I get this so hard. I've been meaning to comment since you posted this, but wasn't quite sure how to put it into words. But the lack of feeling, was something I went through when my grandma was dying. I've written about it a little bit in my journal, and how I've struggled with denying myself the natural emotions that go with grief. But I literally just could not deal with that in real time. I was stone-cold for a good portion of her passing and the time leading up to it. There was too much emotion flying around among my family and to be honest, it made me squeamish. I just couldn't deal with them and their emotional baggage. It just seemed so fucking typical at the time. For me, it was like "can we not with the crying and the tragedy of the situation? Yes it's fucking sad. The saddest thing I've been through in a long time. Can we not dwell on that for the love of Christ? Can we just not?!" My mom has always been one to compound her grief by sharing it and spreading it around to others. I think that her modeling as a kid made me overly sensitive and as I've gotten older and gone through life as that kind of person, I've begun to develop a sort of hatred for it, even if it is what is natural for me. So I have pushed it back and pushed it away, until I've reached a point where I have to effort to cry in many situations where I once would have cried easily. I chalk it up to years of being called overly sensitive and treated as such. Since so many people see it as a negative thing, I began to as well.
Unfortunately, a side effect of this, for me at least, is I don't always have the opposite high, happy energy that I had when I allowed myself to emote in the traditional way. Like it's all just too much energy. I function mostly as a prolonged exasperation. Everything is a balance so if I don't have the highs I don't have the lows and vice versa. Unfortunately, it can make me a little bit robotic, and when I DO act out of accordance with that, I tend to feel used up for days after. For example, I had to turn it on at the Halloween party and for days after I just could not stand to be around people, to answer simple questions, to be bothered with normal communication. I just wanted to not talk, not be seen, not deal with people and things and emotions and social pleasantries.
The other unfortunate part of all this for me has been that I functioned for a long time as someone I am not so now that I'm trying to reign things back in, and try to find a happy medium, I am getting questioned and picked apart by the people who love me b/c I'm "not acting like myself" according to them.
And also, I never realized how perfect this song is for the situation you're describing and that I too have experienced. I really read the lyrics with fresh eyes so thank you for that. I heart Ani so fucking much.
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Unfortunately, a side effect of this, for me at least, is I don't always have the opposite high, happy energy that I had when I allowed myself to emote in the traditional way. Like it's all just too much energy. I function mostly as a prolonged exasperation. Everything is a balance so if I don't have the highs I don't have the lows and vice versa. Unfortunately, it can make me a little bit robotic, and when I DO act out of accordance with that, I tend to feel used up for days after. For example, I had to turn it on at the Halloween party and for days after I just could not stand to be around people, to answer simple questions, to be bothered with normal communication. I just wanted to not talk, not be seen, not deal with people and things and emotions and social pleasantries.
The other unfortunate part of all this for me has been that I functioned for a long time as someone I am not so now that I'm trying to reign things back in, and try to find a happy medium, I am getting questioned and picked apart by the people who love me b/c I'm "not acting like myself" according to them.
And also, I never realized how perfect this song is for the situation you're describing and that I too have experienced. I really read the lyrics with fresh eyes so thank you for that. I heart Ani so fucking much.
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