I have heard how God sings...

[strange_venus]

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Against my will
It hurts me still.
It really stings.
They clipped my wings.

What could I do?
Everything's new.
How my knees lock.
How will I walk?

Now that they're gone
I feel strong.
I say Oooh...
They did get in my way
I will learn to walk today

I cast aside
My downy pride.
All heaven's things
They clipped my wings.

I have heard how God sings.
Ooo, they clipped my wings.

Oh, the sadness that it brings.
I will try to act like it's ok.
Oh, they clipped my wings.

So, I must learn to walk today.
Oh, they clipped my wings.

I had a great idea for journaling tonight. I got side tracked. Meh. Pfft. Stream of conscienceness I guess it is.

I've noticed since my anxiety has lowered I can feel emotions a lot more clearer.

Which is good. It's constant. It's not like break through emotions where I'm dead depressed or boiling angry.

But because I feel so much all the time, it drives me insane. I can feel built up energy perminating off my fucking skin. It doesn't help that my hip has been fucked up, so no dancing to release this shit and make me feel better.

I'm still self conscience about dancing to music at events without drinking. I need to work on that in my head. I know why. And I know the specific situations that make me uncomfortable.

My obsessive thoughts and actions are back. Paranoia is back. But not as bad. But bad enough that it's hard to work sometimes.

I love torturing myself. Always have. More uncomfortable the better. The constant mind fight between being a monster and being human. The fight between reality and psychosis. Always loved that line. Being unbearable, frightening, yet orgasmic with glee.

Asking for a thing. Getting thing. Being perplexed by said thing because I have it and didn't think I'd get it by way of asking. Wondering what to do with it. Setting it down. Stepping away from it. Watching it. Poking it. Poking it. Poking it. No squeak yet. Should I shake it? Might make it angry. Circle it. Stare at it. Smell it. Poke it again. Hm. Still have no clue what I'm doing with it. Why did I ask for this? Oh. Well, it's not doing what I want. Do I even need this? Of course not. That's stupid. Maybe if I shake it? No, no, no. Not a snow globe. Seems breakable. Doesn't make too much noise. Why? I could take it apart and see what's in there. Not sure if I could get it back together. Plus if I want to destroy it later, it wouldn't be much fun if it's in pieces. Be gentle or destroy. No, no, no destroying yet. No reason for that. It has a purpose. I just have to figure out what the exact purpose is. THEN I can decide to destroy it and then best method to do so. But why isn't it doing what I wanted in the first place? Did something fizzle? I was specific enough for intention when asking, but general enough to allow it be open ended to fit the situation. What the fuck did I do wrong here? Okay, stop focusing on that, and back to the puzzle. Perhaps this is the reason for this thing. It's a fucking puzzle to figure out. Questions. Something new to learn. Maybe it's not even real. Maybe a figment of my imagination. Maybe I'm imagining all of this. Maybe I'm dead. Spooky. Fuck, back to reality as I know it. Let's try again.

Real question is... What the fuck even is it?

I'm still not satisfied. At all. Ever. I'll never be. This is why I do so much stuff and I don't stick with one thing ever. I crave so much stimulation from different sources. In different ways. In different enviroments. I hate doing the same thing. I get bored so quickly. How can someone be so idle. I can't. I tried. Reflecting is rough not to do. I don't feel like I do that. I just seek out things I want. It's easier for me to learn from others. It's not copying persay. It's ingesting and digesting and learning. If I have a consistant feedings, I'm fine. But I feel like I'm fucking starving. ALL THE TIME. Letting my hunger come to the top instead of letting it eat me alive is liberating. BUT NOT SATISFYING.