"Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble · But I've got a war in my mind..."
My favorite thing in the world is researching and looking for things. I love investigating, and poking around places I probably have no business looking. I have quite a few people who like to give up information to me without me ever asking. Bless these random messengers. They always seem to show up when I most need them.
But sometimes this will kick start my paranoia. I can indulge myself in it, which I do sometimes(ok a lot). Or hold to back as much as I can, which makes me overwhelmed and manic feeling. Or, try to distract myself and laugh it off.
Having access to different perspectives is also a great blessing. I rarely ask for them except when I'm hung up on something I cannot figure out myself or I don't want to admit to.
I let myself feel emotions, however irrational they may be. I only try to talk myself down, or rationalize with myself when I start obsessing. Because it is better to feel something than to feel numb, dead, and cold. (Which is during one of those times I gave myself the name ZombieJerk, I remember the moment too clearly).
When I talk about the ups and downs of them, I'm not complaining per say. It's just a snap shot of my head space. Like when people instagram. People comment, They move on to the next moment. It also helps me to release things out in the open. It makes me feel better to have other people read it, and comment. But no pity, please. I don't need or want anyone to feel sorry for me. It angers me as it is that they feel that my situation in life is less than their own, thus you feel bad for me.
Fuck off.
But..
Most people couldn't careless less of other people's emotional and mental states. Or even are annoyed people speak of it. I don't think people should isolate themselves and to be more readily open. But at the same times I know why they don't share. They think other humans don't care. Don't want to hear it. And it's true, even when other people say "you can talk to me", "you can tell me things". Majority don't care. Actions prove otherwise. Tones in the voice, drifting of eyes, awkward laugh and downward gaze. Complete change of subject when things get too deep. People feel obligated to try to comfort or ask as it's "the nice thing to do". Niceties like this are offensive.
Of course there are those who care. Even strangers who care more than any person that had known you for years.
Sincerity is a huge problem in humans. Be it benign social situations or important personal matters. Positive and negative.
As far as the perspectives I sought out and the answered that I received is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. On the outside I'm perceived as wild and crazy and out going. Most the time I'd rather be watching documentaries, making art, planning a project, listening to beautiful Lilith Fair women sign till I cry, writing, learning new things in the quiet of the night.
I'm an introvert with extrovert tendencies within the proper company.
There were other things, haha, but that's not for public consumption.
Going out lately has been an experiment. It's been nice. Learning things and interacting with people, which I do desire. It has resurrected old interests that I previously was not inspired, nor did I have the energy to do. I'm thankful for that because it wasn't something I expected. Wanted, yes. So badly.
That includes going back to my witchy-poo shit. My work area is so baren and without trinkets and fun things. Because I previously threw them all away(that will make for a long journal entry). :c It's going to take a while to get it fun again. I'm thinking I need a bunny shrine with a lot of sparkles. :3 How retarded is that.
I mourned my loss to focus. Now I have enough of it back to play with fire and doodle on paper.
Like conspiracy theories of the absurd. It's fun to think about and get wrapped up in. Aesthetics and wonderment. Use of the imagination. It's a mind experiement. It's fun.
My life in a gif:
But sometimes this will kick start my paranoia. I can indulge myself in it, which I do sometimes(ok a lot). Or hold to back as much as I can, which makes me overwhelmed and manic feeling. Or, try to distract myself and laugh it off.
Having access to different perspectives is also a great blessing. I rarely ask for them except when I'm hung up on something I cannot figure out myself or I don't want to admit to.
I let myself feel emotions, however irrational they may be. I only try to talk myself down, or rationalize with myself when I start obsessing. Because it is better to feel something than to feel numb, dead, and cold. (Which is during one of those times I gave myself the name ZombieJerk, I remember the moment too clearly).
When I talk about the ups and downs of them, I'm not complaining per say. It's just a snap shot of my head space. Like when people instagram. People comment, They move on to the next moment. It also helps me to release things out in the open. It makes me feel better to have other people read it, and comment. But no pity, please. I don't need or want anyone to feel sorry for me. It angers me as it is that they feel that my situation in life is less than their own, thus you feel bad for me.
Fuck off.
But..
Most people couldn't careless less of other people's emotional and mental states. Or even are annoyed people speak of it. I don't think people should isolate themselves and to be more readily open. But at the same times I know why they don't share. They think other humans don't care. Don't want to hear it. And it's true, even when other people say "you can talk to me", "you can tell me things". Majority don't care. Actions prove otherwise. Tones in the voice, drifting of eyes, awkward laugh and downward gaze. Complete change of subject when things get too deep. People feel obligated to try to comfort or ask as it's "the nice thing to do". Niceties like this are offensive.
Of course there are those who care. Even strangers who care more than any person that had known you for years.
Sincerity is a huge problem in humans. Be it benign social situations or important personal matters. Positive and negative.
As far as the perspectives I sought out and the answered that I received is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. On the outside I'm perceived as wild and crazy and out going. Most the time I'd rather be watching documentaries, making art, planning a project, listening to beautiful Lilith Fair women sign till I cry, writing, learning new things in the quiet of the night.
I'm an introvert with extrovert tendencies within the proper company.
There were other things, haha, but that's not for public consumption.
Going out lately has been an experiment. It's been nice. Learning things and interacting with people, which I do desire. It has resurrected old interests that I previously was not inspired, nor did I have the energy to do. I'm thankful for that because it wasn't something I expected. Wanted, yes. So badly.
That includes going back to my witchy-poo shit. My work area is so baren and without trinkets and fun things. Because I previously threw them all away(that will make for a long journal entry). :c It's going to take a while to get it fun again. I'm thinking I need a bunny shrine with a lot of sparkles. :3 How retarded is that.
I mourned my loss to focus. Now I have enough of it back to play with fire and doodle on paper.
Like conspiracy theories of the absurd. It's fun to think about and get wrapped up in. Aesthetics and wonderment. Use of the imagination. It's a mind experiement. It's fun.
My life in a gif: