(no subject)
yeah so i know i havent written in a while but w/e i just kinda need to wirte, you dont have to bother reading. but i am goning to try to update more often to avoid these really long updates but reading it and helping me would be nice
- so my sister has a really amazing boyfriend. he is the sweetest boyfriend ever. and to everyone. while hse was doing my hair for semiformal freshamn year, he made me dinner because she wouldnt let me move to eat. and they wernt even dating yet. and he has had cancer for about three and a half years. he recently underwent immunotherapy treatment, which was a last resort. well, it only half worked. one of his tumors is fine, the other one is spreading liek crazy. they said that they dont think he has that much longer left to live. hes only 21. so know there faced with the decision of whether or not to get married, knowing that uinless what there trying again now works, hell be dead, and this is his last christmas. its a really scary thought, because he was diagnosed his freshman year of college, thats NEXT YEAR for me. this time next year, i could be in his position, and it scares me. i dont think i could ever ahndel those kinds of ideas, or decisions. andi dont want to have to. he had to grow up so fast, i want to take my time, enjoy life and college, i dont want it rushed. im really scared that is going to be
- so now onto bio. why do i have to like teachers so much? i meen, dr. cavar is one of my favorite teachers. so, of course, i cant talk to her. but she knows something up. she told my mom on confrence night, of course i did the standard cassie smile and say everythings fine. the same vacant smile thats on my face all thorughout biology. when i sit away from everyone else (theres only 6 people in the class, and its rare that were all there), actually pay attention to what were learning, and rarely say anything at all suring class, and literally. most classes i barely talk but say SOMETHING. but since dr. cavar is nice, she cant really control the other bimbo's that are in my class, so they get off on side tangents alot. and sometimes there somewhat bio realted and dr. cavar gets into them to so they last even longer. or she gives up trying to control them (and really, who can blame her? i give her props for just trying) and joins in so that theres some teacher/ student involovement. and its not that we dont do all bio all the time that bothers me, its the topics of the tangents. most of them are cancer related. about immuno therapy. read the above dot. im usually crying (but not like bawling) by the end of class, just not loudly enough or talking at all to draw attention to myself so no one sees. and every day before class its all about food all the time. and weve gotten off on one really serious lasting all class side tangent on anorexia/bulimia and people who have it, and how much they suck and how wierd they are. okay, so you think this doesnt bother me? if you knew me 7th grade- part of sophmore yeare, and well, you can imagine why. and then i go and its lunch, and im basically standin there in the library like "now what?" it was a while ago, if i put it out of my mind im okay, but i meen, bring it up that much, that consistantly, and its going to bother me. even just the constant mention of food. for me, food is a necesity. i do it because i have to. i dont think about it. so when you make me, it bothers me LIKE NO OTHER. i dont want to go back to the class. but can you really imagine me talking to dr. cavar? and telling her this? i like her. i want her to like me. i dont want her to know this. i want her to see me as the person ive become, not who i was. for the most part ive put this all behind me, i dont want it overtaking my life. i dont want her knowing this. but not doing anything about it and the whole cancer thing is driving me bonkers and making me think about it even more. so im stuck between a rock and a hard place. but i cant get out so im stuck there untill may.
- okay so my last problem that im venting about today. that would be boys. subdues for a while, boy problems are back, and with a vengence. so theres a boy. and i really like him. but i feel like hes just using me. weve been talking for wahile, he made me his number one on myspace,( i know, corny, but i liked it.) and everything, but every time we were going to hang out something just happened to come up. and im now number 2, and another girls number one. and i guy i work with is tryingt o pick me up, literally and figuratevely. but he has multi colored facial hair, is really big (a 60 inch pants like wow) and hes just egghhhh. so not the guy i want to treat me like a princess and let me love him for it. like i think the other guy would
so i have way more issues, but i think thats enough for now. help me if you want. cause i kinda need it