For muses_w_remotes | 12.6. Will & Grace quote
12.6. “Women, can't live with them... end of sentence.”
| Will & Grace
Co-written with agentsullivan | Occurs a few days before THIS & THIS
Ali came through from the kitchen with an arm load of things which she dumped onto the coffee table with a smirk. She had everything from four different flavours of Ben & Jerry's, dark, milk and white chocolate along with Belgian truffles, Twinkies, M&Ms, Jelly Bellys, chocolate cupcakes, Nutty Buddy bars, a bottle of Hershey chocolate sauce, and half a caramel cheesecake. Then she went back for a second trip and returned with a large thermos of double hot chocolate, a packet of marshmallows, chocolate biscuits, and sprinkles. Then she started pulling some things out of her pockets that included a pink filly baby bib, two pacifiers, a couple of nappy pins, a pair of tiny pink socks and a small hand towel. "Time to learn how to really be pregnant," she said with a smile.
She didn't take a seat yet, though, instead going over to the portable crib by the piano and lifted her now four month old baby daughter into her arms and pressing some small kissed over her little face. "Are you hungry, Sunshine. I bet you are. No one fills a nappy like that without making room for something else." She finally took her seat and settled into it so she could feed Jamie, covering the baby and the top of her chest with a small light blanket so Harri didn't have to cop an eyeful.
Harri raised her eyebrows. "How to really be pregnant? I didn't realise it included having enough to stock my own sweet shop." She smiled as she looked over the array of goodies again, hesitating only a moment before she reached out for the Belgian truffles. "Did it really take you all pregnancy to be okay with it?"
Ali just smirked knowingly. "You're only in your early days. This will seem like a mere snack by the time you hit your second trimester," she predicted. She sighed softly and glanced down at her daughter trying to fight away from the feed. She was starting to get her own little mind and they were planning on trying her on half breastfeeding half formula soon so Andrew could have a bit more hands-on involvement. "And all through the labour, and maybe the whole hospital stay, and about a week or two after I got home. It wasn't even denial. I just hated being pregnant. I was scared. Kids were never on the agenda."
Harri watched Ali and the bundle under the blanket before she looked down at her own stomach. Truth was she hadn't had much of a chance to talk to anyone but Marc about the pregnancy. She'd even been hesitant to talk to Aiden about how she felt, and she had no idea why. It wasn't like Aiden would ever judge her. "I think maybe I like it more than I thought, but I'm not sure if it's just because I'm post-shock and think I'm okay, but I'm really about to freak out. Calm before the storm, you know? Even managed to think of a name... I was never the baby type, and never wanted to be."
"I don't know," Ali said thoughtfully. "You'd probably know deep down somewhere if you were headed for a freak out. There would probably be more than one reason for you not to be happy about it eventually too. If you're feeling okay about it, then it can only grow on you. You would have something to worry about if you didn't. In saying that, I never felt okay about it. Not until I held her in my arms and realised she had come out of me and it was just me and her against the world. See, I'd... I'd had an abortion in the past. I couldn't go through with it a second time around."
Harri pressed her lips together as she held one of the chocolates in her fingers. "Why not? I'm sorry, I know that's a blunt question, but... why not this time?"
Ali shook her head slowly. "I wish I had a straight answer for you, but I really, really don't know. I went. I was all ready to have the procedure. Hell, I even had my legs up in those god fucking awful stirrup things and I just freaked out. Totally and utterly freaked out. I couldn't go through with it. It was a kid in there and it was half my kid. I have never been anti-abortion or anything. I'm into the whole pro-choice thing, but I wasn't a spring chicken anymore. Plus I was alone with zero romantic prospects on the horizon. I was never overly lucky in love. Had a lot of sex, but not a lot of meaning, you know? I just decided not to terminate. Which, at the time you have to realise was a very very different thing to decided to keep it because that enormity hadn't quite set in at that point. I never bonded with her during the whole pregnancy, not even when I saw the ultrasound or heard the heartbeart."
"I still can't believe this," Harri pointed at her flat stomach, "becomes that." She nodded towards Jamie and sighed. "I feel like I fucked up, but I don't know... it almost feels like a mistake I'm okay making. Does that make any sense? I swear pregnancy just has me thinking and talking utter bollocks. I asked Marc about termination, but he didn't want to. He also didn't know how he was supposed to raise a kid. I said I'd be okay doing the majority of it on my own, but I think it's only because I know that I won't really be on my own." Harri shrugged before popping the chocolate into her mouth. "The Ice Queen is finally learning to be dependent... And also considering that maybe she's completely fucking mad."
Ali laughed. "Oh, you'll believe it when it's coming out of you. Thirty fucking six hours labour for this one. All on my own." She shook her head. "You fucking handcuff James to that bed next to you if you have to. Hell, use a friggen straightjacket. He values family too much to think about termination. He'll be a good dad, you can be rest assured in that. He just doesn't realise it. I'm not sure if he told you, but kids were his speciality in the FBI. And you do just cope, love. You do. It seems like a huge fucking thing, but you get there. Each day melts into the next and before you know it you're flat on your back in an ambulance with a fucking gorgeous paramedic leaning over you while you're threatening to tear off his manhood. And... it turns out to be the best fucking mistake of your life."
"I think maybe Marc would tear off his manhood if I was worried about the fucking gorgeous paramedic more than him," Harri laughed. "I can see he'd be a good dad, I really can. But I think he thinks this is going to mess with his SS stuff. Put a wrench in things he's worked hard for and given up so much for..." Harri swallowed the rich chocolate down and looked at Ali. "I never meant to fuck with his grand plan. I don't just mean the pregnancy."
Ali adjusted Jamie in her arms a little. "You just need to realise you don't come in second to the job. You'll come in equal to it. Some chicks would hate that and wouldn't want to deal with it. He has worked hard. He's worked so hard. He was nearly the Vice of his team on the FBI before the SS thing went down. If you could see him on the job, you would know what I mean. If you guys can find a way to make this work and him to still exist in his new life as he needs to for the investigation, you'll be fine. I know it might feel like that's laying a lot on your shoulders and it probably is, but he will always take care of you, Harri. The mere fact he's still with you is a miracle. Because of him, not you. I think it means he's ready to have something beyond his job that means the world to him too." She shifted the blanket away and tucked her shirt down so she could try to burp her daughter a little, rubbing her back softly. "This all looks like it could really cramp your professional and amazing life you've made yourself, but speaking from first hand experience, it's better than any new season Manolos."
Harri looked down at the simple flats she wore. Simple, but still expensive. "I don't think I'm going to miss heels completely. They're making my feet hurt right now... I spent about five minutes crying about it before spending the rest of the day walking barefoot around the office. I'm sure they've decided I've joined a cult," Harri said with a smirk. "I love him... I really do, and no one's really more suprised by the admission than me. I'm still not sure Marc accepted it, and maybe he hasn't. I did kind of throw it in there in amongst the pregnancy stuff, but it felt the right time to say it. Although sometimes I think he did take it in, but he's not as scared as he used to be to just let it happen. He's going to meet Aiden finally... That's going to be, well, interesting. I'd hate to think it'll make or break this more than the pregnancy, but I'm not sure I could deal with my two guys hating each other. Selfish, huh?" She crossed her legs over and slid down a little lower. "I want him to have his new life. I want him to have this as well. Just lke I want to be able to have my magazine, him, and this new family thing. I might be asking too much, though."
"James doesn't miss anything. He's as observant as all fuck, even when he seems like he's not taking notice. He is. Just getting those words in return... don't worry if they don't come too soon. When he was with Izzy - and it took two years for him to even take it further than friends - it took him ages to admit his feelings. It doesn't mean they aren't there, he just protects them in this little place of his heart until he knows it's safe to let it out. He's been very burned in the past. He needs to know the good, the bad, and the ugly of a relatiosnhip before he admits to himself his whole feelings." Ali laughed a little. "You probably get what I'm on about here. You probably know your BFF better than you do yourself some days. Even with him going away and becoming a new person, he didn't change in the parts that matter. And no, it's not selfish. It's not selfish to want things to stay the same as much as they possibly can. But they won't. Just keep that in mind and when things change, it won't come as such a shock. You'll deal better. Because the pregnancy hormones? Rationally dealing with anything is near impossible. I used to cry at toilet paper ads. I would cry when the toothpaste fell off the brush, I would cry when the doorman told me there might be rain. And when I wasn't crying, I was biting innocent people's heads off. It's not a pretty mix."
"I bite innocent people's heads off anyway," Harri laughed. "I think I'm becoming more mellow with these stupid bloody hormones. Any second I'm going to just give strangers hugs and walk around with flowers in my hair while singing about puppies and rainbows. I don't think I was ever any better at relationships than he is. Was. Maybe it's why I've been alright with him. I know we're both working it out as we go."
Ali laughed. "You drew the long straw then. I was a bitch before I started and turned into Bitchzilla when I was pregnant." She wiped Jamie's little face and then moved on to try and feed her a second time. "That's how it's best. To find your feet together. It's not going to be easy. Relationships never are, let alone without the added stress of being pregnant. Being pregnant sucks physically. Everything goes haywire and you go from feeling nice and healthy to feeling like a bloated, sore, cranky, teary whale. Your clothes don't fit and you want to eat weird things, even when they make you throw up. How some people think this is an enlightening experience is beyond me."
"I'm already eating mashed potato and strawberries," Harri admitted with a sheepish look. "I'm still really only on morning sickness, and my breasts are starting to hurt, and I'm already wondering why people willingly put themselves in this condition. How is your paramedic, anyway?"
Ali shook her head with a smirk. "When I think of what I put in my mouth back then now, I could puke. The morning sickness went right through the second trimester for me. I pray to all the pregnancy gods that doesn't happen for you. It's your feet that are bad. They swell up for no reason and stop even looking like feet. You sleep all night and wake up tired, too. There was just nothing fun about it at all." She smiled as Jamie lost interest in the feed and she went to try and burp her again before the wailing started. "He's amazing. He's at my brother's place for a couple of hours for some Playstation male bonding thing. Which is saying something considering my brother should have been born with a vagina and boobs. He's just moved in here..." She shook her head. "Seriously, that was a shot out of the left field for me. He swept me off my feet. I nearly had a stroke when I got the call to say he'd been hurt."
"So you're brother's gay, then? Nothing wrong with that at all, but I don't think Aiden would give his cock up for all the world. Not sure he'd want Pat to give up his, either. He's taken him up to Canada to meet the family." Harri smirked a little. "I think it's the things out of left field that stick. You spend so long wondering how the fuck it happened, and before you know it you're in so deep you can't escape it, and by then you don't want to."
"Screaming," Ali laughed. "He's the epitome of a flamboyant gay actor. I love every inch of him. He was there for me when no one else was. Even packed up his life in LA to come here so he could help me with Sunshine. But he could only do so much. He still works weird hours. Ohhhhhh, meet the parents, huh? That's a big deal. How do you think that will go?" She nodded in agreement. "You're so right there. And you're everything hurts when they're hurting. I never pegged myself as much of a nurse, but I literally sat next to him in that whole first night making sure he was still breathing." She shifted Jamie in her arms, cleaning up her little face again. "Would you like to have a test run?" she asked, nodding down at the baby.
"I remembered not to wear white, so I think a test run should be alright," Harri replied as she straightened back up so she wasn't slouching. "Aiden said it was going fine. Apparently his mum's already redecorating because Pat told her blue brought out her eyes. His family will welcome Pat with open arms. Anyone who makes their son happy will probably get treated like a god. Your brother sounds like a good man... Even if he should have been a woman." Harri looked at Ali, and grinned a little. "Guess those belated nurturing instincts kicked in just in time to make you a good nurse. Bet Andrew enjoyed the attention."
Ali laughed and carefully shifted Jamie into Harri's arm, handing her the towel and the bib just in case. "It's dark colours you need to be careful with. Baby sick is white and a bitch to get out of suits," she advised. "Your BFF sounds like a sweetheart. If Marc fucks him over, I'll kick him up the arse. He has a tendency to get all up himself when he's nervous. Stoic is probably the right word. His Agent skills... if he doesn't like someone, he doesn't avoid them, he sticks to them like glue and gets under their skin. Not that I'm saying he will do that with Aiden, but if he starts acting weird, call him on it. It's just nerves." She grinned. "He did once I showed him that one could very much still get laid when their leg is in a cast."
Harri was more comfortable holding Jamie this time, especially since she wasn't also trying to have a screaming match with Marc. "Maybe I should just wear a plastic Hasmat suit, or something," Harri laughed. "Aiden's very special. Definitely no one like him. He really is like the brother I never had. Even if we call each other our soul sisters. I'll remember that about Marc... And I will definitely call him on it. If he hurts Aiden, he won't be getting my understanding. He'll be getting my fist in his face. No gentle angry slaps." Harri smirked knowlingly, her blue eyes on the little girl's face. "Lucky, lucky man. I keep meaning to ask Marc to leave his cock behind so I can use it while he's at work..."
"You can borrow my gun if you like. I think I traumatised him for life with that. Bastard fucking deserved if though showing up all alive on my doorstep. I cried my eyes out through Amazing Grace for him. Totally ruined my makeup." Ali paused a little. That was probably one of the first times she could joke about losing James and it felt cathartic. "He's a gigantic shit head, but I love him. The bastard. He doesn't want to fuck you over, Harri. He's probably terrified about meeting Aiden." She laughed. "And he won't? What a shit. I told Andrew I wanted to celebrate him feeling better by face-planting in his nether regions and he turned the same colour as those red M&Ms there."
"I wouldn't even know how to use it. He still talks about that, actually. You really did scare the shit out of him, but he doesnt blame you for it... He does understand. And said if he could change it, he would." Harri wet her lips and smiled as Jamie gurgled and smiled. "Of course it would mean we probably wouldn't have met, and I wouldn't be pregnant. You might not have met your paramedic..." She glanced at Ali. "Hard to imagine Marc blushing about anything sexual. He is very obliging when he's home, though. First night he let me have my way while he passed out. I'm not proud of it, but I was horny out of my mind."
Ali laughed, shaking her head. "I'm astounded he still manages to get it up passed out. That's our James," she said fondly. "He can be half dead and still get it up. Andrew is like his polar opposite. He is the polar opposite of James' brother... my ex. I never thought I deserved to be with someone like Andrew but we just seem to fit. He's so shy and chivalrous. He always offers to do things for me, run me baths, cook. At least, he did before he got hurt. Now he just gets bored and irritated that he's bored, understandably."
"Maybe he should learn to knit booties?" Harri suggested, probably unhelpfully. "Or fold diapers while he's laying there. I have no idea, I'm rubbish at being bedridden."
"He's been trying, poor guy. I just keep him entertained when I can. We have fun, plus we're thinking of starting Sunshine on some formula feeds so he can start bonding with her that way too." Ali grinned. "You wait until you get James after a hospital stay. He's the worst patient ever."
"He's warned me about that... keeps talking like he's going to fall into a coma at any moment." Harri rubbed her finger against Jamie's cheek. "I asked him to teach me how to do his injections."
Ali just smiled and nodded. "You'll have warning if he's going to have problems. He gets really sick, shaky, pale. He won't just fall over and not wake up. How are you getting on with the injections?"
"Better than I thought I would be," Harri admitted. "I was worried at first, but it's scary how easy it to stick him with a needle once you're used to it."
"And very tempting to smack him with it too, sometimes," Ali sniggered as she reflexively adjusted her daughter's little dress and brushed her soft blonde hair down. "I wouldn't wish that whole coma thing on you any time soon, though. It's very scary. When I say he won't fall over and not wake up, it's just not an immediate process. But if he's ill to that point, it's a very rapid descent and when he passes out, you always worry he might not wake right up again. Most of the times he's gotten ill in my presence though he has warned me to call an ambulance. He knows what needs doing and he'll try to direct you while he can. That's one reason he's gone and convinced himself that he's scared to be left alone with this one. It's an irrational fear. He has warning if he's ill to call for help, but he needs to spend more time with her. I really want them to have a relationship and she's getting to an age where she's learning and taking everything in. I know it's hard for him to swallow that I want Andy to be her daddy, but he'll get used to it. It would just be the same if I fell pregnant to some faceless, nameless cock rather than his brother."
"I don't think it's as hard as you think," Harri replied quietly. "He's accepted that Andrew is going to be a part of your and Jamie's life, as the father. I think it was more just an eye-opener that his brother wasn't the best man for you. He just wants you happy."
Ali shook her head a little. "He knows his brother wasn't. There's a lot of bad blood there. James hated Mark's wife with a passion. I'm talking he used to have screaming fights with her at family get-togethers. They hated each other. I just hoped Mark would step up a little more with Jamie, but he doesn't want anything to do with her beyond hitting the enter key to make sure the maintenance payments are sent to her bank account on the same day, at the same time every month." She glanced up at Harri. "It's why I'm going to contact him and ask him to sign his parental rights over to me. I'm just so glad that James won't ever do anything like that to you. He'll always be there for the baby, no matter what. And you, too, if your relationship keeps going strong."
Harri shrugged. She wasn't going to assume anything about what Marc was thinking, but she was grateful for Ali's reassurances. The tough thing was trying to convince Marc that Harri herself would always be there. She had this feeling he would just expect her to cut him off without a word. She leaned forward to pick up some chocolate, carefully holding Jamie against her chest. "If you need anything, please just ask. I like you, Ali. A lot. And if things to manage to keep going strong then you're pretty much family."
Ali tucked one of Jamie's lacy booties back on that was slipping off and smiled at Harri. "I'm glad. I'm hoping one day I might need a Maid of Honour with fantastic fashion sense," she joked, though there was much more behind her words than needed to be verbalised.
Words: 4062 | All muses referred to with permission
| Will & Grace
Co-written with agentsullivan | Occurs a few days before THIS & THIS
Ali came through from the kitchen with an arm load of things which she dumped onto the coffee table with a smirk. She had everything from four different flavours of Ben & Jerry's, dark, milk and white chocolate along with Belgian truffles, Twinkies, M&Ms, Jelly Bellys, chocolate cupcakes, Nutty Buddy bars, a bottle of Hershey chocolate sauce, and half a caramel cheesecake. Then she went back for a second trip and returned with a large thermos of double hot chocolate, a packet of marshmallows, chocolate biscuits, and sprinkles. Then she started pulling some things out of her pockets that included a pink filly baby bib, two pacifiers, a couple of nappy pins, a pair of tiny pink socks and a small hand towel. "Time to learn how to really be pregnant," she said with a smile.
She didn't take a seat yet, though, instead going over to the portable crib by the piano and lifted her now four month old baby daughter into her arms and pressing some small kissed over her little face. "Are you hungry, Sunshine. I bet you are. No one fills a nappy like that without making room for something else." She finally took her seat and settled into it so she could feed Jamie, covering the baby and the top of her chest with a small light blanket so Harri didn't have to cop an eyeful.
Harri raised her eyebrows. "How to really be pregnant? I didn't realise it included having enough to stock my own sweet shop." She smiled as she looked over the array of goodies again, hesitating only a moment before she reached out for the Belgian truffles. "Did it really take you all pregnancy to be okay with it?"
Ali just smirked knowingly. "You're only in your early days. This will seem like a mere snack by the time you hit your second trimester," she predicted. She sighed softly and glanced down at her daughter trying to fight away from the feed. She was starting to get her own little mind and they were planning on trying her on half breastfeeding half formula soon so Andrew could have a bit more hands-on involvement. "And all through the labour, and maybe the whole hospital stay, and about a week or two after I got home. It wasn't even denial. I just hated being pregnant. I was scared. Kids were never on the agenda."
Harri watched Ali and the bundle under the blanket before she looked down at her own stomach. Truth was she hadn't had much of a chance to talk to anyone but Marc about the pregnancy. She'd even been hesitant to talk to Aiden about how she felt, and she had no idea why. It wasn't like Aiden would ever judge her. "I think maybe I like it more than I thought, but I'm not sure if it's just because I'm post-shock and think I'm okay, but I'm really about to freak out. Calm before the storm, you know? Even managed to think of a name... I was never the baby type, and never wanted to be."
"I don't know," Ali said thoughtfully. "You'd probably know deep down somewhere if you were headed for a freak out. There would probably be more than one reason for you not to be happy about it eventually too. If you're feeling okay about it, then it can only grow on you. You would have something to worry about if you didn't. In saying that, I never felt okay about it. Not until I held her in my arms and realised she had come out of me and it was just me and her against the world. See, I'd... I'd had an abortion in the past. I couldn't go through with it a second time around."
Harri pressed her lips together as she held one of the chocolates in her fingers. "Why not? I'm sorry, I know that's a blunt question, but... why not this time?"
Ali shook her head slowly. "I wish I had a straight answer for you, but I really, really don't know. I went. I was all ready to have the procedure. Hell, I even had my legs up in those god fucking awful stirrup things and I just freaked out. Totally and utterly freaked out. I couldn't go through with it. It was a kid in there and it was half my kid. I have never been anti-abortion or anything. I'm into the whole pro-choice thing, but I wasn't a spring chicken anymore. Plus I was alone with zero romantic prospects on the horizon. I was never overly lucky in love. Had a lot of sex, but not a lot of meaning, you know? I just decided not to terminate. Which, at the time you have to realise was a very very different thing to decided to keep it because that enormity hadn't quite set in at that point. I never bonded with her during the whole pregnancy, not even when I saw the ultrasound or heard the heartbeart."
"I still can't believe this," Harri pointed at her flat stomach, "becomes that." She nodded towards Jamie and sighed. "I feel like I fucked up, but I don't know... it almost feels like a mistake I'm okay making. Does that make any sense? I swear pregnancy just has me thinking and talking utter bollocks. I asked Marc about termination, but he didn't want to. He also didn't know how he was supposed to raise a kid. I said I'd be okay doing the majority of it on my own, but I think it's only because I know that I won't really be on my own." Harri shrugged before popping the chocolate into her mouth. "The Ice Queen is finally learning to be dependent... And also considering that maybe she's completely fucking mad."
Ali laughed. "Oh, you'll believe it when it's coming out of you. Thirty fucking six hours labour for this one. All on my own." She shook her head. "You fucking handcuff James to that bed next to you if you have to. Hell, use a friggen straightjacket. He values family too much to think about termination. He'll be a good dad, you can be rest assured in that. He just doesn't realise it. I'm not sure if he told you, but kids were his speciality in the FBI. And you do just cope, love. You do. It seems like a huge fucking thing, but you get there. Each day melts into the next and before you know it you're flat on your back in an ambulance with a fucking gorgeous paramedic leaning over you while you're threatening to tear off his manhood. And... it turns out to be the best fucking mistake of your life."
"I think maybe Marc would tear off his manhood if I was worried about the fucking gorgeous paramedic more than him," Harri laughed. "I can see he'd be a good dad, I really can. But I think he thinks this is going to mess with his SS stuff. Put a wrench in things he's worked hard for and given up so much for..." Harri swallowed the rich chocolate down and looked at Ali. "I never meant to fuck with his grand plan. I don't just mean the pregnancy."
Ali adjusted Jamie in her arms a little. "You just need to realise you don't come in second to the job. You'll come in equal to it. Some chicks would hate that and wouldn't want to deal with it. He has worked hard. He's worked so hard. He was nearly the Vice of his team on the FBI before the SS thing went down. If you could see him on the job, you would know what I mean. If you guys can find a way to make this work and him to still exist in his new life as he needs to for the investigation, you'll be fine. I know it might feel like that's laying a lot on your shoulders and it probably is, but he will always take care of you, Harri. The mere fact he's still with you is a miracle. Because of him, not you. I think it means he's ready to have something beyond his job that means the world to him too." She shifted the blanket away and tucked her shirt down so she could try to burp her daughter a little, rubbing her back softly. "This all looks like it could really cramp your professional and amazing life you've made yourself, but speaking from first hand experience, it's better than any new season Manolos."
Harri looked down at the simple flats she wore. Simple, but still expensive. "I don't think I'm going to miss heels completely. They're making my feet hurt right now... I spent about five minutes crying about it before spending the rest of the day walking barefoot around the office. I'm sure they've decided I've joined a cult," Harri said with a smirk. "I love him... I really do, and no one's really more suprised by the admission than me. I'm still not sure Marc accepted it, and maybe he hasn't. I did kind of throw it in there in amongst the pregnancy stuff, but it felt the right time to say it. Although sometimes I think he did take it in, but he's not as scared as he used to be to just let it happen. He's going to meet Aiden finally... That's going to be, well, interesting. I'd hate to think it'll make or break this more than the pregnancy, but I'm not sure I could deal with my two guys hating each other. Selfish, huh?" She crossed her legs over and slid down a little lower. "I want him to have his new life. I want him to have this as well. Just lke I want to be able to have my magazine, him, and this new family thing. I might be asking too much, though."
"James doesn't miss anything. He's as observant as all fuck, even when he seems like he's not taking notice. He is. Just getting those words in return... don't worry if they don't come too soon. When he was with Izzy - and it took two years for him to even take it further than friends - it took him ages to admit his feelings. It doesn't mean they aren't there, he just protects them in this little place of his heart until he knows it's safe to let it out. He's been very burned in the past. He needs to know the good, the bad, and the ugly of a relatiosnhip before he admits to himself his whole feelings." Ali laughed a little. "You probably get what I'm on about here. You probably know your BFF better than you do yourself some days. Even with him going away and becoming a new person, he didn't change in the parts that matter. And no, it's not selfish. It's not selfish to want things to stay the same as much as they possibly can. But they won't. Just keep that in mind and when things change, it won't come as such a shock. You'll deal better. Because the pregnancy hormones? Rationally dealing with anything is near impossible. I used to cry at toilet paper ads. I would cry when the toothpaste fell off the brush, I would cry when the doorman told me there might be rain. And when I wasn't crying, I was biting innocent people's heads off. It's not a pretty mix."
"I bite innocent people's heads off anyway," Harri laughed. "I think I'm becoming more mellow with these stupid bloody hormones. Any second I'm going to just give strangers hugs and walk around with flowers in my hair while singing about puppies and rainbows. I don't think I was ever any better at relationships than he is. Was. Maybe it's why I've been alright with him. I know we're both working it out as we go."
Ali laughed. "You drew the long straw then. I was a bitch before I started and turned into Bitchzilla when I was pregnant." She wiped Jamie's little face and then moved on to try and feed her a second time. "That's how it's best. To find your feet together. It's not going to be easy. Relationships never are, let alone without the added stress of being pregnant. Being pregnant sucks physically. Everything goes haywire and you go from feeling nice and healthy to feeling like a bloated, sore, cranky, teary whale. Your clothes don't fit and you want to eat weird things, even when they make you throw up. How some people think this is an enlightening experience is beyond me."
"I'm already eating mashed potato and strawberries," Harri admitted with a sheepish look. "I'm still really only on morning sickness, and my breasts are starting to hurt, and I'm already wondering why people willingly put themselves in this condition. How is your paramedic, anyway?"
Ali shook her head with a smirk. "When I think of what I put in my mouth back then now, I could puke. The morning sickness went right through the second trimester for me. I pray to all the pregnancy gods that doesn't happen for you. It's your feet that are bad. They swell up for no reason and stop even looking like feet. You sleep all night and wake up tired, too. There was just nothing fun about it at all." She smiled as Jamie lost interest in the feed and she went to try and burp her again before the wailing started. "He's amazing. He's at my brother's place for a couple of hours for some Playstation male bonding thing. Which is saying something considering my brother should have been born with a vagina and boobs. He's just moved in here..." She shook her head. "Seriously, that was a shot out of the left field for me. He swept me off my feet. I nearly had a stroke when I got the call to say he'd been hurt."
"So you're brother's gay, then? Nothing wrong with that at all, but I don't think Aiden would give his cock up for all the world. Not sure he'd want Pat to give up his, either. He's taken him up to Canada to meet the family." Harri smirked a little. "I think it's the things out of left field that stick. You spend so long wondering how the fuck it happened, and before you know it you're in so deep you can't escape it, and by then you don't want to."
"Screaming," Ali laughed. "He's the epitome of a flamboyant gay actor. I love every inch of him. He was there for me when no one else was. Even packed up his life in LA to come here so he could help me with Sunshine. But he could only do so much. He still works weird hours. Ohhhhhh, meet the parents, huh? That's a big deal. How do you think that will go?" She nodded in agreement. "You're so right there. And you're everything hurts when they're hurting. I never pegged myself as much of a nurse, but I literally sat next to him in that whole first night making sure he was still breathing." She shifted Jamie in her arms, cleaning up her little face again. "Would you like to have a test run?" she asked, nodding down at the baby.
"I remembered not to wear white, so I think a test run should be alright," Harri replied as she straightened back up so she wasn't slouching. "Aiden said it was going fine. Apparently his mum's already redecorating because Pat told her blue brought out her eyes. His family will welcome Pat with open arms. Anyone who makes their son happy will probably get treated like a god. Your brother sounds like a good man... Even if he should have been a woman." Harri looked at Ali, and grinned a little. "Guess those belated nurturing instincts kicked in just in time to make you a good nurse. Bet Andrew enjoyed the attention."
Ali laughed and carefully shifted Jamie into Harri's arm, handing her the towel and the bib just in case. "It's dark colours you need to be careful with. Baby sick is white and a bitch to get out of suits," she advised. "Your BFF sounds like a sweetheart. If Marc fucks him over, I'll kick him up the arse. He has a tendency to get all up himself when he's nervous. Stoic is probably the right word. His Agent skills... if he doesn't like someone, he doesn't avoid them, he sticks to them like glue and gets under their skin. Not that I'm saying he will do that with Aiden, but if he starts acting weird, call him on it. It's just nerves." She grinned. "He did once I showed him that one could very much still get laid when their leg is in a cast."
Harri was more comfortable holding Jamie this time, especially since she wasn't also trying to have a screaming match with Marc. "Maybe I should just wear a plastic Hasmat suit, or something," Harri laughed. "Aiden's very special. Definitely no one like him. He really is like the brother I never had. Even if we call each other our soul sisters. I'll remember that about Marc... And I will definitely call him on it. If he hurts Aiden, he won't be getting my understanding. He'll be getting my fist in his face. No gentle angry slaps." Harri smirked knowlingly, her blue eyes on the little girl's face. "Lucky, lucky man. I keep meaning to ask Marc to leave his cock behind so I can use it while he's at work..."
"You can borrow my gun if you like. I think I traumatised him for life with that. Bastard fucking deserved if though showing up all alive on my doorstep. I cried my eyes out through Amazing Grace for him. Totally ruined my makeup." Ali paused a little. That was probably one of the first times she could joke about losing James and it felt cathartic. "He's a gigantic shit head, but I love him. The bastard. He doesn't want to fuck you over, Harri. He's probably terrified about meeting Aiden." She laughed. "And he won't? What a shit. I told Andrew I wanted to celebrate him feeling better by face-planting in his nether regions and he turned the same colour as those red M&Ms there."
"I wouldn't even know how to use it. He still talks about that, actually. You really did scare the shit out of him, but he doesnt blame you for it... He does understand. And said if he could change it, he would." Harri wet her lips and smiled as Jamie gurgled and smiled. "Of course it would mean we probably wouldn't have met, and I wouldn't be pregnant. You might not have met your paramedic..." She glanced at Ali. "Hard to imagine Marc blushing about anything sexual. He is very obliging when he's home, though. First night he let me have my way while he passed out. I'm not proud of it, but I was horny out of my mind."
Ali laughed, shaking her head. "I'm astounded he still manages to get it up passed out. That's our James," she said fondly. "He can be half dead and still get it up. Andrew is like his polar opposite. He is the polar opposite of James' brother... my ex. I never thought I deserved to be with someone like Andrew but we just seem to fit. He's so shy and chivalrous. He always offers to do things for me, run me baths, cook. At least, he did before he got hurt. Now he just gets bored and irritated that he's bored, understandably."
"Maybe he should learn to knit booties?" Harri suggested, probably unhelpfully. "Or fold diapers while he's laying there. I have no idea, I'm rubbish at being bedridden."
"He's been trying, poor guy. I just keep him entertained when I can. We have fun, plus we're thinking of starting Sunshine on some formula feeds so he can start bonding with her that way too." Ali grinned. "You wait until you get James after a hospital stay. He's the worst patient ever."
"He's warned me about that... keeps talking like he's going to fall into a coma at any moment." Harri rubbed her finger against Jamie's cheek. "I asked him to teach me how to do his injections."
Ali just smiled and nodded. "You'll have warning if he's going to have problems. He gets really sick, shaky, pale. He won't just fall over and not wake up. How are you getting on with the injections?"
"Better than I thought I would be," Harri admitted. "I was worried at first, but it's scary how easy it to stick him with a needle once you're used to it."
"And very tempting to smack him with it too, sometimes," Ali sniggered as she reflexively adjusted her daughter's little dress and brushed her soft blonde hair down. "I wouldn't wish that whole coma thing on you any time soon, though. It's very scary. When I say he won't fall over and not wake up, it's just not an immediate process. But if he's ill to that point, it's a very rapid descent and when he passes out, you always worry he might not wake right up again. Most of the times he's gotten ill in my presence though he has warned me to call an ambulance. He knows what needs doing and he'll try to direct you while he can. That's one reason he's gone and convinced himself that he's scared to be left alone with this one. It's an irrational fear. He has warning if he's ill to call for help, but he needs to spend more time with her. I really want them to have a relationship and she's getting to an age where she's learning and taking everything in. I know it's hard for him to swallow that I want Andy to be her daddy, but he'll get used to it. It would just be the same if I fell pregnant to some faceless, nameless cock rather than his brother."
"I don't think it's as hard as you think," Harri replied quietly. "He's accepted that Andrew is going to be a part of your and Jamie's life, as the father. I think it was more just an eye-opener that his brother wasn't the best man for you. He just wants you happy."
Ali shook her head a little. "He knows his brother wasn't. There's a lot of bad blood there. James hated Mark's wife with a passion. I'm talking he used to have screaming fights with her at family get-togethers. They hated each other. I just hoped Mark would step up a little more with Jamie, but he doesn't want anything to do with her beyond hitting the enter key to make sure the maintenance payments are sent to her bank account on the same day, at the same time every month." She glanced up at Harri. "It's why I'm going to contact him and ask him to sign his parental rights over to me. I'm just so glad that James won't ever do anything like that to you. He'll always be there for the baby, no matter what. And you, too, if your relationship keeps going strong."
Harri shrugged. She wasn't going to assume anything about what Marc was thinking, but she was grateful for Ali's reassurances. The tough thing was trying to convince Marc that Harri herself would always be there. She had this feeling he would just expect her to cut him off without a word. She leaned forward to pick up some chocolate, carefully holding Jamie against her chest. "If you need anything, please just ask. I like you, Ali. A lot. And if things to manage to keep going strong then you're pretty much family."
Ali tucked one of Jamie's lacy booties back on that was slipping off and smiled at Harri. "I'm glad. I'm hoping one day I might need a Maid of Honour with fantastic fashion sense," she joked, though there was much more behind her words than needed to be verbalised.
Words: 4062 | All muses referred to with permission