For just_muse_me | 15.1.2 Winston Churchill Quote
15.1.2. “If you're going through hell, keep going.” - Winston Churchill
Co-written with agentfraser | Follows THIS
Marc adjusted the strap of his backpack over his shoulder and glanced behind him up the hall of Harri's apartment building. He had a hoodie and sunglasses on, this time not bothering with changing his eyes or hair. He was just too fucking tired and he technically had a few days off anyway. Technically, because it might not actually happen that way. As it was, he wasn't really sure how this was going to go. The last thing he wanted was to be bitched out by Harri again, but he had to apologise to her for trying to dump Jamie on her, even if he wasn't going to dump her and run. Things just couldn't be left like they were. He wasn't dealing well with the tension between them and something more at least had to be said now he wasn't so stressed trying to take care of his niece.
He pushed Harri's buzzer and kept his head stooped a little, looking at his blue Converse shoes. There was no suit this time, no long coat, no expensive jewellery or brief cases. Just trackpants, casual shoes and his hoodie. Maybe it was more metaphorical than anything. No barriers here this time.
Harri trudged out of her bedroom, almost dragging her feet. She pulled her hair back into a loose ponytail as she went. There was no make up, nothing but Harri in her pajama pants and tank top. It was amazing how little she felt like doing anything. Apparently she was 'moping'. Harri couldn't even remember the last time she'd moped, even when her Jimmy Choos had their heels snapped off. She'd just pouted a bit and moved on to a new pair.
Everything with Marc was piling in on top of her though, and she found herself breaking under the pressure. Without even checking to see who it was, Harri opened her door. She blinked, and took in the hoodie and casual appearance. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips. "Come to bust a cap in my arse?"
Marc pulled his lips to the side. "I probably wouldn't be a very accurate shot," he said with a faint smile. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other again. "I just really came to apologise. I shouldn't have just shown up with her without letting you know. It was stupid. I wasn't thinking... plus, I'm feeling a bit crap and didn't really want to hang around my apartment on my own. But I'll go if you don't want to see me. I get it."
Harri reached out to take his hand in hers, sliding her fingers between his as she pulled him inside. "It wasn't you bringing Jamie that bothered me, love. It was just... after being at the hospital I just wasn't in the best of moods, and I really didn't mean to take it out on you. So if anyone is going to apologise it's me." Harri smirked a little. "I've never done so much apologising in all my life between you and seeing Ali earlier." She shut the door behind them, her hand still holding onto his. "And I would like it a lot if you stayed."
Marc pushed the hood off his head and brushed his fingers through his blond hair to make sure it was at least sitting down. He scrunched his nose up in thought. "Wait, hospital? I thought you were just going to the doctor. Why were you at a hospital? And what's Ali got to do with it?" he asked in confusion. He dragged a bag of M&Ms from the pocket of his jumper and tore it open. He took a generous handful and poured them into his mouth. His sugars were low. No better remedy as far as he was concerned than chocolate. He didn't get to indulge this much very often. "You mean, the hospital when Ali was waiting? I didn't see you there."
"No, I mean Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Aiden made me an appointment with Dr Riley Browne. Just as well, because it turns out he had access to certain equipment." Harri watched him and couldn't help but remember Ali's words about a diabetic coma. She started to move towards the sofa, thinking it might be easier if he was at least sitting down. "I wasn't there while Ali was waiting. I didn't even know about her paramedic until you showed up with Jamie. And I went to apologise to Ali for letting her down last night."
Marc sunk down into the sofa and kicked his shoes off. He was kind of glad she wasn't pissed off at him because he wasn't sure he could have been arsed going all the way back to his apartment, even if it wasn't that far away. "As doctors do," he agreed, oblivious, sticking his fingers into the packet to fish out some more of the candy. "I hate hospitals. Even being there when I'm not a patient. But the guy really got the once-over. He's covered in bruises and took a nasty knock to the head. I've had enough concussions in my life to know how they feel and they're a bitch. You didn't need to do that. It was my fault. I told her I was an arse-face. She generally knows that." He rested his head back against the sofa. "So, what did the doctor say? He wasn't a bastard, was he?"
"Poor bloke," she murmured, referring to Andy. "I haven't received any concussions and I'd like to keep it that way." Harri shifted on the sofa and drew her legs up under her as she rest her head near Marc's. She reached out for his hand and took a deep, calming breath. She could do this, right? She could tell him... He asked, so now had to be the right time. "He wasn't a bastard, and I certainly wasn't making it any easier on him, so really he needs a medal. I hate hospitals, too. And doctors. But I didn't hate Riley. He made it all a lot easier... What he found though... there's a--he found this little black speck on an ultrasound. No bigger than a rice grain... Marc, I'm pregnant."
Inevitably, Marc spilled the M&Ms all over his lap and turned to look at her with wide eyes. "W-What?" he said and then laughed, shaking his head. "Good one. This is pay back for Jamie, isn't it? A bit of revenge. But I'll give you that. It's good." He laughed again, but was still watching her intently, waiting for her to laugh too.
Harri didn't laugh. She didn't look like she was going to cry either, which she felt like was a small victory. She'd been on edge for a couple of days, not sure if she was going to fall apart or not. "It's not revenge," she replied quietly.
Marc pulled away in shock like he had been burned. He managed to press himself against the arm rest of the sofa, gaping at her. "N-No..." he whispered, shaking his head. He held up his hand. "No, you told me you were on the pill!" he cried. This couldn't be happening. But not just that, it really couldn't be happening.
Harri flinched, and covered her face with her hand. Ali had at least warned her that Marc wouldn't take it well--or how like Harri imagined. Harri hadn't even taken the time to imagine how he would take it, so it wasn't like her expectations could be shattered. "I had the flu, I was vomiting constantly. It tends to negate the effects of the pill as I found out. My other doctor never warned me of that."
"What kind of incompetent bastard is he?!" Marc stood up and started pacing. Probably not a good idea with low blood sugar, but so what? That was the least of his worries right now. He gave another small laugh but there was no humour behind it. "So this is what fuelled the bitchy comment about not telling me you were pregnant? Because I said I didn't want kids? All the while you knowing you were fucking pregnant?! Thanks very much for that!" He stopped and put his hands over his face in an attempt to stop the avalanche of emotions coming out in a string of expletives and comments he would later regret. That, and a desperate attempt not to cry.
Harri watched him for a long moment before she uncurled from the sofa, and stood up. She came over to him, and rest her hands on his shoulders, needing some kind of contact with him. "I'm sorry... I had every intention of telling you, then you showed up with Jamie and things just seemed to fucking snowball, and before I knew it I was storming off, and then you disappeared and--Look, do you think I'm any happier about this? I honestly didn't know what to fucking think, and part of me still doesn't. But it's the truth, and it's happening, so... there you have it."
"I didn't think you wanted me here after that! That generally is the notion I get when someone pisses the fuck off out of my presence! And I had to get her back to Ali. Someone who knew what they were doing had to take care of her before she gave herself a hernia crying so much! Do you know how much it was killing me to see my niece in such a state? And do you know that the only way I can deal with things I have no control over is to usually get extremely angry?!" Marc waved his hand up and down himself as evidence. He shook his head, tears already forming in his eyes. "I don't think I can do this, Harri. I don't know if I have the time or the energy for a kid in my life. Most days, I don't even have time to shower."
"I was going to fucking hit you if I didn't just walk off and take a moment!" Harri informed him as she raised her voice. "A fucking moment! Do you have any idea how much it hurt me, too? I didn't want Jamie to be crying, and I was really trying to help, but then every time I spoke to you, I just made things worse. I wasn't actually bloody trying to piss you off. I love you, Marc. James. Both of you. And I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for a fucking kid either, but I have a bloody gestational sac of whatever it is inside me, and decisions need to be made." Harri dropped her head down to contemplate her bare feet. "I'm not asking you for anything. Nothing you can't give. If you don't want the kid, fine. If you do, then... that's something that's fine, too. This shouldn't just be my decision. It's also unfair of me to ask you for something now... we still have some time before--before it becomes to late to terminate the baby. If that's what we want."
The words hit Marc like a tonne of bricks and a wave of dizziness washed over him, forcing him to sit down heavily on the end of the sofa. "Oh my god..." he mumbled as the reality started to set in. He had been here before. Late teens, his girlfriend telling him she was pregnant. Right now, his confidence in contraception was zip and it was enough to make a guy want to become celibate. It led to marriage number one when he wanted to do the right thing, but she lost the baby and the marriage lasted all of two months. Then when he found Ali's ultrasound and thought Izzy was pregnant... it hadn't felt any better back then, either. But he had been willing. He would've supported her and helped her raise the baby. This time, though... he wasn't the same person. It wasn't the same life. Saying he didn't want kids had been reactionary to his niece's distress and to his frustration at not being able to help her. He had always wanted to be a father at some point in his life. One day. But now? Just about everything in his life was tied up in his work. He was a single cog in a whole machinery of an investigation. "I... I... don't know what to do," he finally admitted hoarsely with a helpless shrug. It really was as simple as that.
Harri closed the gap between them and stayed standing as she combed her fingers through his blond hair, watching the light strands pass through her fingers. It suited him, it really did. She much preferred his natural colour. And any child they produced would be just as fair haired, fair skinned, and blue-eyed as both of them. For a moment, just a moment, the image tugged at her heart strings. "Neither do I," she whispered. "This was hardly part of plan..."
Marc shook his head and his face was buried in his hands again. "None of this is really new to me," he said, barely loud enough to be heard.
"I'm sorry," Harri murmured. "I never... If I could have stopped it from happening I would have. I didn't want to hurt you, Marc. Not like this." She sat down beside him, still combing her fingers through his hair. "I'd say it's your fault for having such a luscious cock, but you can't be held responsible for genetics."
Marc really wanted to laugh, but he couldn't. Everything seemed to be caught up in a big ball in his throat all of a sudden and he tried to swallow it away, but it just hurt. The bottom line seemed to be that there was just no way he could heap something as huge as a baby on his already overfull plate of a life that he was barely managing to nibble away at the edges of already. He really just felt like he wanted to be sick. "You told Ali," he deduced. It wasn't a hard leap to make. Ali had a way of making people talk, plus she could be wise when she wanted to be. He just had a feeling.
"Not on purpose," Harri responded, but there was no real effort in denying it. "She thought that... Well, you thought that I wasn't coping with your lifestyle, but it's not true. I had one bad day because I'd found out there was a sodding rice grain inside me. I wasn't angry with you, or angry because you'd brought Jamie around. I didn't... Fuck, I wanted to see you so badly. That's why I was leaving fifty voicemail messages." Harri pulled away and rest her head in her hands as she braced her elbows against her knees. "I'm not ready for this."
Every time she called it a 'rice grain', Marc just felt something heavy clench inside him. By this point, he was having difficulty recognising any of the feelings sloshing around in him. When he dragged his hands tiredly away from his face, his eyes were red and wet. "I don't think I can do this, Harri. A kid isn't going to... I don't think my life is any place a kid should be brought in to," he told her, his voice hoarse. He was digging his cell phone out of his pocket and hit a few buttons on the screen. He held her eyes as he put it to his ear waiting for an answer on the other end of the line. "Alex, it's Marc. I can't make our brief tonight. I'm sick. My diabetes. Speak to Paul... yeah... no, I don't need anything. I'll speak to you soon." He ended the call without another word and dropped his phone onto her coffee table to rub his hands over his face again. The last thing he could do was face a case briefing in an oppressive office until the small hours of the morning feeling the way he did.
"Marc..." Harri started, but she honestly didn't know what she was going to ask him, or tell him. She felt selfish for being relieved to have him here. That was if he stayed. She was still waiting for the moment where he decided he couldn't handle her as well. Surely she'd pushed her luck too far? Crossed too many lines, and become something he didn't need anymore. Something that took up too much time. "Does that mean you... do you want me to make an appointment?"
"No, because I don't think I can kill my kid," Marc managed to get out, feeling himself start to shake a little at the blatant admission.
Harri took a deep breath. "I don't think I can either." She reached out to take his hand, and leaned in to brush a kiss against his cheek.
Words: 2817 | All muses referenced with permission
Co-written with agentfraser | Follows THIS
Marc adjusted the strap of his backpack over his shoulder and glanced behind him up the hall of Harri's apartment building. He had a hoodie and sunglasses on, this time not bothering with changing his eyes or hair. He was just too fucking tired and he technically had a few days off anyway. Technically, because it might not actually happen that way. As it was, he wasn't really sure how this was going to go. The last thing he wanted was to be bitched out by Harri again, but he had to apologise to her for trying to dump Jamie on her, even if he wasn't going to dump her and run. Things just couldn't be left like they were. He wasn't dealing well with the tension between them and something more at least had to be said now he wasn't so stressed trying to take care of his niece.
He pushed Harri's buzzer and kept his head stooped a little, looking at his blue Converse shoes. There was no suit this time, no long coat, no expensive jewellery or brief cases. Just trackpants, casual shoes and his hoodie. Maybe it was more metaphorical than anything. No barriers here this time.
Harri trudged out of her bedroom, almost dragging her feet. She pulled her hair back into a loose ponytail as she went. There was no make up, nothing but Harri in her pajama pants and tank top. It was amazing how little she felt like doing anything. Apparently she was 'moping'. Harri couldn't even remember the last time she'd moped, even when her Jimmy Choos had their heels snapped off. She'd just pouted a bit and moved on to a new pair.
Everything with Marc was piling in on top of her though, and she found herself breaking under the pressure. Without even checking to see who it was, Harri opened her door. She blinked, and took in the hoodie and casual appearance. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips. "Come to bust a cap in my arse?"
Marc pulled his lips to the side. "I probably wouldn't be a very accurate shot," he said with a faint smile. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other again. "I just really came to apologise. I shouldn't have just shown up with her without letting you know. It was stupid. I wasn't thinking... plus, I'm feeling a bit crap and didn't really want to hang around my apartment on my own. But I'll go if you don't want to see me. I get it."
Harri reached out to take his hand in hers, sliding her fingers between his as she pulled him inside. "It wasn't you bringing Jamie that bothered me, love. It was just... after being at the hospital I just wasn't in the best of moods, and I really didn't mean to take it out on you. So if anyone is going to apologise it's me." Harri smirked a little. "I've never done so much apologising in all my life between you and seeing Ali earlier." She shut the door behind them, her hand still holding onto his. "And I would like it a lot if you stayed."
Marc pushed the hood off his head and brushed his fingers through his blond hair to make sure it was at least sitting down. He scrunched his nose up in thought. "Wait, hospital? I thought you were just going to the doctor. Why were you at a hospital? And what's Ali got to do with it?" he asked in confusion. He dragged a bag of M&Ms from the pocket of his jumper and tore it open. He took a generous handful and poured them into his mouth. His sugars were low. No better remedy as far as he was concerned than chocolate. He didn't get to indulge this much very often. "You mean, the hospital when Ali was waiting? I didn't see you there."
"No, I mean Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Aiden made me an appointment with Dr Riley Browne. Just as well, because it turns out he had access to certain equipment." Harri watched him and couldn't help but remember Ali's words about a diabetic coma. She started to move towards the sofa, thinking it might be easier if he was at least sitting down. "I wasn't there while Ali was waiting. I didn't even know about her paramedic until you showed up with Jamie. And I went to apologise to Ali for letting her down last night."
Marc sunk down into the sofa and kicked his shoes off. He was kind of glad she wasn't pissed off at him because he wasn't sure he could have been arsed going all the way back to his apartment, even if it wasn't that far away. "As doctors do," he agreed, oblivious, sticking his fingers into the packet to fish out some more of the candy. "I hate hospitals. Even being there when I'm not a patient. But the guy really got the once-over. He's covered in bruises and took a nasty knock to the head. I've had enough concussions in my life to know how they feel and they're a bitch. You didn't need to do that. It was my fault. I told her I was an arse-face. She generally knows that." He rested his head back against the sofa. "So, what did the doctor say? He wasn't a bastard, was he?"
"Poor bloke," she murmured, referring to Andy. "I haven't received any concussions and I'd like to keep it that way." Harri shifted on the sofa and drew her legs up under her as she rest her head near Marc's. She reached out for his hand and took a deep, calming breath. She could do this, right? She could tell him... He asked, so now had to be the right time. "He wasn't a bastard, and I certainly wasn't making it any easier on him, so really he needs a medal. I hate hospitals, too. And doctors. But I didn't hate Riley. He made it all a lot easier... What he found though... there's a--he found this little black speck on an ultrasound. No bigger than a rice grain... Marc, I'm pregnant."
Inevitably, Marc spilled the M&Ms all over his lap and turned to look at her with wide eyes. "W-What?" he said and then laughed, shaking his head. "Good one. This is pay back for Jamie, isn't it? A bit of revenge. But I'll give you that. It's good." He laughed again, but was still watching her intently, waiting for her to laugh too.
Harri didn't laugh. She didn't look like she was going to cry either, which she felt like was a small victory. She'd been on edge for a couple of days, not sure if she was going to fall apart or not. "It's not revenge," she replied quietly.
Marc pulled away in shock like he had been burned. He managed to press himself against the arm rest of the sofa, gaping at her. "N-No..." he whispered, shaking his head. He held up his hand. "No, you told me you were on the pill!" he cried. This couldn't be happening. But not just that, it really couldn't be happening.
Harri flinched, and covered her face with her hand. Ali had at least warned her that Marc wouldn't take it well--or how like Harri imagined. Harri hadn't even taken the time to imagine how he would take it, so it wasn't like her expectations could be shattered. "I had the flu, I was vomiting constantly. It tends to negate the effects of the pill as I found out. My other doctor never warned me of that."
"What kind of incompetent bastard is he?!" Marc stood up and started pacing. Probably not a good idea with low blood sugar, but so what? That was the least of his worries right now. He gave another small laugh but there was no humour behind it. "So this is what fuelled the bitchy comment about not telling me you were pregnant? Because I said I didn't want kids? All the while you knowing you were fucking pregnant?! Thanks very much for that!" He stopped and put his hands over his face in an attempt to stop the avalanche of emotions coming out in a string of expletives and comments he would later regret. That, and a desperate attempt not to cry.
Harri watched him for a long moment before she uncurled from the sofa, and stood up. She came over to him, and rest her hands on his shoulders, needing some kind of contact with him. "I'm sorry... I had every intention of telling you, then you showed up with Jamie and things just seemed to fucking snowball, and before I knew it I was storming off, and then you disappeared and--Look, do you think I'm any happier about this? I honestly didn't know what to fucking think, and part of me still doesn't. But it's the truth, and it's happening, so... there you have it."
"I didn't think you wanted me here after that! That generally is the notion I get when someone pisses the fuck off out of my presence! And I had to get her back to Ali. Someone who knew what they were doing had to take care of her before she gave herself a hernia crying so much! Do you know how much it was killing me to see my niece in such a state? And do you know that the only way I can deal with things I have no control over is to usually get extremely angry?!" Marc waved his hand up and down himself as evidence. He shook his head, tears already forming in his eyes. "I don't think I can do this, Harri. I don't know if I have the time or the energy for a kid in my life. Most days, I don't even have time to shower."
"I was going to fucking hit you if I didn't just walk off and take a moment!" Harri informed him as she raised her voice. "A fucking moment! Do you have any idea how much it hurt me, too? I didn't want Jamie to be crying, and I was really trying to help, but then every time I spoke to you, I just made things worse. I wasn't actually bloody trying to piss you off. I love you, Marc. James. Both of you. And I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for a fucking kid either, but I have a bloody gestational sac of whatever it is inside me, and decisions need to be made." Harri dropped her head down to contemplate her bare feet. "I'm not asking you for anything. Nothing you can't give. If you don't want the kid, fine. If you do, then... that's something that's fine, too. This shouldn't just be my decision. It's also unfair of me to ask you for something now... we still have some time before--before it becomes to late to terminate the baby. If that's what we want."
The words hit Marc like a tonne of bricks and a wave of dizziness washed over him, forcing him to sit down heavily on the end of the sofa. "Oh my god..." he mumbled as the reality started to set in. He had been here before. Late teens, his girlfriend telling him she was pregnant. Right now, his confidence in contraception was zip and it was enough to make a guy want to become celibate. It led to marriage number one when he wanted to do the right thing, but she lost the baby and the marriage lasted all of two months. Then when he found Ali's ultrasound and thought Izzy was pregnant... it hadn't felt any better back then, either. But he had been willing. He would've supported her and helped her raise the baby. This time, though... he wasn't the same person. It wasn't the same life. Saying he didn't want kids had been reactionary to his niece's distress and to his frustration at not being able to help her. He had always wanted to be a father at some point in his life. One day. But now? Just about everything in his life was tied up in his work. He was a single cog in a whole machinery of an investigation. "I... I... don't know what to do," he finally admitted hoarsely with a helpless shrug. It really was as simple as that.
Harri closed the gap between them and stayed standing as she combed her fingers through his blond hair, watching the light strands pass through her fingers. It suited him, it really did. She much preferred his natural colour. And any child they produced would be just as fair haired, fair skinned, and blue-eyed as both of them. For a moment, just a moment, the image tugged at her heart strings. "Neither do I," she whispered. "This was hardly part of plan..."
Marc shook his head and his face was buried in his hands again. "None of this is really new to me," he said, barely loud enough to be heard.
"I'm sorry," Harri murmured. "I never... If I could have stopped it from happening I would have. I didn't want to hurt you, Marc. Not like this." She sat down beside him, still combing her fingers through his hair. "I'd say it's your fault for having such a luscious cock, but you can't be held responsible for genetics."
Marc really wanted to laugh, but he couldn't. Everything seemed to be caught up in a big ball in his throat all of a sudden and he tried to swallow it away, but it just hurt. The bottom line seemed to be that there was just no way he could heap something as huge as a baby on his already overfull plate of a life that he was barely managing to nibble away at the edges of already. He really just felt like he wanted to be sick. "You told Ali," he deduced. It wasn't a hard leap to make. Ali had a way of making people talk, plus she could be wise when she wanted to be. He just had a feeling.
"Not on purpose," Harri responded, but there was no real effort in denying it. "She thought that... Well, you thought that I wasn't coping with your lifestyle, but it's not true. I had one bad day because I'd found out there was a sodding rice grain inside me. I wasn't angry with you, or angry because you'd brought Jamie around. I didn't... Fuck, I wanted to see you so badly. That's why I was leaving fifty voicemail messages." Harri pulled away and rest her head in her hands as she braced her elbows against her knees. "I'm not ready for this."
Every time she called it a 'rice grain', Marc just felt something heavy clench inside him. By this point, he was having difficulty recognising any of the feelings sloshing around in him. When he dragged his hands tiredly away from his face, his eyes were red and wet. "I don't think I can do this, Harri. A kid isn't going to... I don't think my life is any place a kid should be brought in to," he told her, his voice hoarse. He was digging his cell phone out of his pocket and hit a few buttons on the screen. He held her eyes as he put it to his ear waiting for an answer on the other end of the line. "Alex, it's Marc. I can't make our brief tonight. I'm sick. My diabetes. Speak to Paul... yeah... no, I don't need anything. I'll speak to you soon." He ended the call without another word and dropped his phone onto her coffee table to rub his hands over his face again. The last thing he could do was face a case briefing in an oppressive office until the small hours of the morning feeling the way he did.
"Marc..." Harri started, but she honestly didn't know what she was going to ask him, or tell him. She felt selfish for being relieved to have him here. That was if he stayed. She was still waiting for the moment where he decided he couldn't handle her as well. Surely she'd pushed her luck too far? Crossed too many lines, and become something he didn't need anymore. Something that took up too much time. "Does that mean you... do you want me to make an appointment?"
"No, because I don't think I can kill my kid," Marc managed to get out, feeling himself start to shake a little at the blatant admission.
Harri took a deep breath. "I don't think I can either." She reached out to take his hand, and leaned in to brush a kiss against his cheek.
Words: 2817 | All muses referenced with permission