*cough*
I don't get it...I just don't fucking get it...Why is it that everytime I finally get happy w/ my life or something finally goes right for me someone always brings me down...and makes me realize that I hate my life! The only things that I like about my life.... are...my family and my friends.....Anything else is just fucking crap...I mean the day after my birthday...when I was getting ready to go to work...my ma all spazed out on me saying that I don't do shit for her and that I don't pay for anything....I was so pissed off @ her I just blew up...I am paying for everything right now...the apt..her car...the bills...food EVERYTHING! It's NOT my damn fault that she can't go to work...I can't do anything about that...I wish that I could b/c that would make things a hella lot easier on me....but I can't she needs to get over it...I can't do anything to make her go back to work any sooner than she can...And I know that she was pissed off @ me b/c I didn't stay home on my b-day...but you know what that is my day.....my ONLY day that I have total control and free range of...I know that Jamie died on MY day...but I was only 3....and I can't help that either...does she not think that I hate my b-day b/c that's the day my brother was taken from me...and what hurts so much is that I can't remember him....But alas I guess thats my fault too...seems like everything is my damn fault and I can't do anything right...i don't know what the hell to do anymore....She gets so mad @ me when I want to spend time away from here and be w/ my friends and have fun....I don't get to do that all the time and it's b/c I usually busting my ass @ work making sure that we have the things that we need to survive....I can't do anything to make her happy...Fuck it! I'm not even gonna try anymore...I'm gonna work...pay HER bills..until she can do it...then I'm GONE! I'm going to move out...b/c I can't stand it anymore...I feel like I'm a meal ticket for the intire fucking world...but NO I'm just her meal ticket...I don't have money for my needs...that's bad enough...but when she goes off and says that I don't help her w/ anything that's where I draw the line...I could not pay any of HER bills and go off and spend MY money on things that I want...but I don't b/c I know that she needs the stuff payed so I do it out of the kindness of my heart to help her when she really needs it the most...But I feel like its nothing to her...she brushes me off her shoulder like I'm a mosquito that's bugging her...I'm TIRED of it..and I think it's time that she knows that I'm tired of it....I don't even have a love life b/c I'm always @ work...I have NO time to do anything...and she gets pissed off @ me when I get days off and I go out...I don't fucking care anymore...This is MY life NOT hers...and NOBODY is going to tell me how to live my life...if ya want to guide me then thats different...But NOBODY is going to run MY life but me! I think its about time that I took contorl of MY life and stop letting everyone else steer...its my turn and I'm going to make something out of myself and not have anyone tear me down anymore....whether it be family...or a past love...NOTHING...I'm SICK of it!!! NO MORE!!!! GOD NO MORE!!!! I won't let it happen to me again...no more abuse...whether it be verbal...or physical...I won't take anything from anybody anymore...I feel like I need to see Nancy when she gets out so that I know that I will be okay...but I don't think that I can look @ her....I have so many horrific memories of my birth mother.the one person who is suppose to love me more than life itself...but how can she when she is nothing but a monster...I don't want her to get out...I don't think that I can deal w/ her being back out in the world...and hurting ppl all over again...and hurting me all over again....she knows not to come looking for me or my family...she knows better than to do that....But I'm so afraid...When it comes to Nancy I feel like I'm a lil' 6 year old hiding from the boogy man...but only the boogy man is my mother and I'm not 6 years old anymore....I'm still afraid of her...and I thought that I wasn't anymore b/c she was in jail...but now that I found out she's getting out...I'm So afraid that she will find me....There is so much pent up anger than I have towards her...that I don't know what I would do...Man I feel like I'm all kinds of fucked up b/c of all the shit that has happend in my life....I don't know what to do w/ all of these memories...I try to forget them...but they won't leave me...how do you get rid of memories that don't want to get rid of you? And I have such a hard time letting go of some memories of a loved one...but I'm getting better @ that one...b/c I'm moving on and I'm okay w/ it...and I slowly but surely getting happier...from letting go...But believe you me it is the hardest thing that I've gone through and still going through...its hard to let go when your heart says no...and won't let you let go...but I'm coping and I feel better:) I know that this is just a bunch of my rambling...sorry bout that...but hey...It's gotta come out one way or another....Nobody wants to be alone...and nobody should be alone...There is a person for everybody...Love may be blind...but once you have it don't let it go....it's the greatest thing that you will ever experience... I know:) well guys I gotta get ready for work...kk MUAH...I love you all bunches and bunches!!!!!!!
love,
!~me~!
love,
!~me~!