Lost in Desperation (PG) - Hunger Games
Title: Lost In Desperation
Author: TommyGirl
Rating: PG
Fandom: Hunger Games series - through first book
Summary: Prim is only certain of one thing - Katniss.
A/N: This was my main entry for yuletide. Much love to my sister for the edits and listening to me fret about getting Prim's voice. Even more love to wanderlustlover, who made the request and challenged me - I hope you enjoyed it.
In the beginning, there was Katniss and there was Prim. That was always how the stories began. Her father would gather Prim and Katniss up in his arms and tell wonderful stories of two sisters who loved one another so much that it helped them conquer the world. Prim would giggle and Katniss would lean in closer to their father as he sent them on great adventures in a world far away from Panem.
One night, not long after his death when everything had fallen apart, Katniss, who was quiet and strong and there, patted the empty spot on the bed next to her. Prim slipped under the sheets and curled up against her sister as Katniss began telling her own versions of the stories. There was one story where they were princesses with an evil stepfather trying to tear them apart. There was another that involved far off lands where every day was full of presents and laughter. But her favorite story was about a farm where Prim cared for animals and Katniss roamed free in the woods, and no one went hungry and there was no reaping.
That didn't matter much, really, so long as it started the same. And it always did.
In the beginning, there was Katniss and Prim.
**
"You're the most beautiful girl in the world," Prim said, coming up behind Katniss as she stared at herself in the mirror. She hugged her sister from behind and said, "One day a prince will come and take you away to live happily ever after."
Katniss turned and spun Prim around in a circle as she replied, "Only if he whisks you away too, Little Duck."
Prim giggled. "Don't forget Buttercup."
"Who could forget that foul little beast?"
Prim let go of Katniss' hand and said, "Be nice."
"Only for you, Prim," Katniss replied. She pulled affectionately on Prim's braid and ran her hand over Prim's shirt, evening it out. She said, "Besides, no prince in his right mind would choose me over you."
**
The only moment of Prim's life where she ever truly hated her sister was when Katniss volunteered to be the tribute in Prim's place. It wasn't that Prim wanted to be a tribute or to face the Hunger Games. She couldn't stand the idea of hurting someone else when she spent so much of her time trying to help her mother save people, but she couldn't imagine losing her sister. She had always had a big sister there to watch out for her. Katniss was safety and strength. Katniss was hers. There had to be another way.
Prim tried to think clearly, but when that didn't work, she screamed and clawed at her sister. She told Katniss to stop, her sister who rarely denied her anything but was now ignoring her. Prim cried and held onto her sister tighter, hoping sheer force of will could keep her in place. She should've known better. No one had a stronger will than Katniss.
Prim was making a scene. She was aware of that, could see Katniss putting up her walls to protect them both, but Prim couldn't stop herself from trying to hold onto her sister. If there was only some prince to whisk them away, if only she was strong like her sister and could face this herself.
Prim felt arms wrap around her and a hand tried to quiet her. Prim squirmed against Gale as he carried her off to her mother, who was wearing the blank expression Prim was so used to seeing. She finally understood why her sister had hated their mother so much for so long because, right then, Prim was capable of a hate she never expected. She hated her sister for taking her place and hated Gale for prying her away and hated everyone for letting it happen.
"Prim, you need to stop," Gale whispered. When she ignored him, he added, "It just makes it worse for her."
Prim went limp and hated herself more than everyone else. This was her fault. She wasn't strong and brave like her sister, everyone was well aware of that, and it had cost her the most precious thing to her - Katniss.
**
Prim had made Katniss promise to try to win. As Prim laid in her bed and stared at the ceiling, she repeated it like a mantra. Katniss promised to try very hard. She promised. Katniss promised and she always kept her promises. Prim heard her mother moving around in her room and shut her eyes, mindlessly stroking Buttercup. Prim wanted to help her mother, to be fearless the way Katniss would have been, but she felt so alone. Prim closed her eyes and immediately drew up an image of her sister looking perfect in the blue dress. She imagined her sister's laugh as she told her not to worry about anything, that she would always protect Prim, no matter what.
Prim felt the tears welling up again and yelled at herself for being such a cry baby. Katniss had given her a list of things to do. Katniss expected her to be strong and that meant Prim had to stop crying and get on with things.
Prim tried to stand up, to eat like her mother had tried to get her to do earlier, but it hurt to move. Losing her father had been the worst moment of Prim's life. She remembered how she refused to believe he was gone even though Katniss looked like the world was falling apart around them and her mother had refused to leave her room, clutching a photograph. Prim had been convinced he would show up one day, completely fine, and explain that he found a way out. It didn't really sink in until months later, when she was so hungry she could barely open her eyes, let alone laugh at one of Katniss' jokes, that she realized her father was really gone. She was empty and it spared her from crying, but nothing was ever the same.
Having the Peacekeepers usher her away from her sister made losing her father feel like nothing. Prim couldn't accept the idea of this. Her sister was so big, better than anyone, and she was paying the price for something rebels did before she was even alive.
Prim just wanted her sister back. If that meant wearing a smile when she was being filmed or lying to herself and everyone around her that she was certain Katniss would win, Prim would do it. She wasn't nearly as amazing as her sister, but she could try. She would do anything for Katniss.
Katniss promised, she thought again, turning onto her side and curling into Katniss' pillow. She inhaled the smell of her sister and felt a momentarily calm. She thought of one of their many stories. Katniss was not gone; she was on a great adventure and would be home soon.
Prim owed it to her sister to believe it enough for both of them.
**
The Girl on Fire and the great doomed romance of Katniss and Peeta were the talk of the town. Unless Prim was around. Suddenly a silence would fall upon the place and linger in the air, thick like fog. It almost made Prim smile. She wanted to giggle and rush home to tell Katniss how the entire District thought she was in love.
Except Katniss was far away.
**
Except when the cameras were around to film family reactions, Prim didn't watch the Games. Both her mother and Gale thought it would be best if she stayed away from the television and the news. If she had wanted to, they wouldn't have stopped her, but there was no point to any of it. Cruelty and pain and loss of hope were all that she could gain from being a part of things.
She tried to live her life. She took care of Buttercup, sold Lady's milk at the Hob, and went to school. She helped her mother create her herbal remedies. Prim pretended to be fine, holding onto the promise her sister had made, and ignored the huge hole in her life that had always been filled by Katniss.
It was the smallest things that Prim missed the most. The early morning grumblings between Katniss and Buttercup. The way Katniss' hands reverently grazed over their father's jacket every day. The soft hum of Katniss' breath on her neck when they slept.
When she was asked on television what she missed most, she simply said, "Everything." It was easier that way.
**
There was no avoiding the end of the Games. Panem came to a halt, everyone gathered around big screens, in anticipation of the crowning of the newest tribute to gain fame and fortune. District 12 was buzzing that not just one, but both their tributes were still alive. There was a strange, hopeful energy in the air, especially in the Seam. Prim wanted to be able to capture the moments into her memory so that she could properly share them with Katniss when she returned. She would hug her sister tightly and say, "Look what you did, Katniss!"
Prim could barely stand to watch the television, but the cameras were on her, keeping track of her every move and she owed it to her sister to be brave. Or at least pretend to be. It wasn't the first time since this whole mess started that she thought of how Katniss would behave and tried to copy it. She doubted it would be the last time she tried to be like her sister.
Time slowed down during the moments between Katniss and Peeta lifting the berries to their lips - no, no, no - and the announcement of the winners. The room was filled with tension that turned to excitement and pride. The press pulled on her mother's arm, asking her stupid questions, before turning to Prim.
Prim smiled brightly, but said nothing, when a camera was shoved into her face. Her mind was racing with a million different things, but Prim kept coming back to the best news she had ever received - Katniss was coming home. Someone stepped between her and the camera, shielding her, and she scooped Buttercup up into her arms and said, "You will need to be patient with her."
Buttercup let out a soft meow and curled into Prim's arms. Prim giggled as she pictured a return to some semblance of normal.
Her sister had kept her promise and Prim couldn't wait to say, "Told you so."
Soon. Soon enough.
**
While knowing her sister was coming home had energized the town, it wasn't until Katniss had smiled at her and had her wrapped up in a hug that Prim could squeal with delight and let go of the nagging feeling that something wasn't right. She didn't care about the big show of things or the money. They wouldn't go hungry, but it was one weight lifted off Katniss' shoulders only to make room for other ones. Prim could see it in the her sister's eyes and the set stance she moved with. Her sister had survived, but she would never be free of the Games.
Katniss held onto Prim with one hand and Peeta with the other. Prim studied him up close and immediately decided that she liked him. She knew her sister liked him too and couldn't wait to tease her about him later.
People were pulling and pushing to get closer to the Victors, but Katniss' grip remained strong on Prim. She said, "I'm sorry about all of this, Prim."
"You don't ever have to be sorry about anything, Katniss. You came home," Prim replied. She squeezed her sister's hand and was grateful when Peacekeepers cleared out the area. Both Katniss and Peeta looked so tired. Prim let go of her sister's hand and stepped in front of the two of them. She said, "You were both very brave."
"I had a promise to keep, didn't I?" Katniss replied, reaching out and brushing a strand of Prim's hair back off her face. "Peeta was nice enough to help me out."
Prim nodded and hugged Peeta. He seemed taken aback for a moment, but his arms wrapped around her and held on for a moment. She kissed his cheek and said, "Thank you."
**
"You don't have to sleep with me anymore," Katniss said, all the while moving over to make room for Prim next to her. Their new home was lovely and Prim knew how hard Katniss had fought for it, but it was too big for Prim's liking and Prim liked to be there to help Katniss after one of her nightmares. Prim slipped into the bed next to her sister without a word and wrapped her arms around Katniss. "I thought I was finally free of that damn cat."
Prim giggled into her sister's shoulder and said, "The Girl on Fire is afraid of an innocent little kitten. I bet that would make headlines around the country."
"The only innocent thing in this room is you, my Little Duck."
Prim sighed. It was impossible to be innocent when her happiness had been given to her at the cost of other people's lives. She didn't say that. Instead, she said, "You should tell me a story. Maybe of how you and Peeta fell in love."
Katniss laughed, not quite what it used to be, but a start. "That is a very boring story."
There was nothing boring about her sister. One day Prim hoped Katniss would see that.
Prim had a lifetime to make her sister see how amazing she was. Tonight it didn't matter. Prim pulled the blanket up tight against them, patting the bottom for Buttercup to curl up, and rested against her sister. She said, "In the beginning, there was Katniss and there was Prim..."
"Oh, I like this story," Katniss interrupted.
"Quiet or I'll feed you to the evil dungeon cat," Prim replied. Buttercup growled on cue and Prim laughed.
Katniss stared at Prim for a moment. Her eyes misting and going off to somewhere else for a flicker of time before she smiled and prompted, "You were saying?"
Prim snuggled in closer. She stroked her sister's head and said, "In the beginning, there was Katniss and there was Prim and nothing could tear them a part."
{Fin}
Author: TommyGirl
Rating: PG
Fandom: Hunger Games series - through first book
Summary: Prim is only certain of one thing - Katniss.
A/N: This was my main entry for yuletide. Much love to my sister for the edits and listening to me fret about getting Prim's voice. Even more love to wanderlustlover, who made the request and challenged me - I hope you enjoyed it.
In the beginning, there was Katniss and there was Prim. That was always how the stories began. Her father would gather Prim and Katniss up in his arms and tell wonderful stories of two sisters who loved one another so much that it helped them conquer the world. Prim would giggle and Katniss would lean in closer to their father as he sent them on great adventures in a world far away from Panem.
One night, not long after his death when everything had fallen apart, Katniss, who was quiet and strong and there, patted the empty spot on the bed next to her. Prim slipped under the sheets and curled up against her sister as Katniss began telling her own versions of the stories. There was one story where they were princesses with an evil stepfather trying to tear them apart. There was another that involved far off lands where every day was full of presents and laughter. But her favorite story was about a farm where Prim cared for animals and Katniss roamed free in the woods, and no one went hungry and there was no reaping.
That didn't matter much, really, so long as it started the same. And it always did.
In the beginning, there was Katniss and Prim.
**
"You're the most beautiful girl in the world," Prim said, coming up behind Katniss as she stared at herself in the mirror. She hugged her sister from behind and said, "One day a prince will come and take you away to live happily ever after."
Katniss turned and spun Prim around in a circle as she replied, "Only if he whisks you away too, Little Duck."
Prim giggled. "Don't forget Buttercup."
"Who could forget that foul little beast?"
Prim let go of Katniss' hand and said, "Be nice."
"Only for you, Prim," Katniss replied. She pulled affectionately on Prim's braid and ran her hand over Prim's shirt, evening it out. She said, "Besides, no prince in his right mind would choose me over you."
**
The only moment of Prim's life where she ever truly hated her sister was when Katniss volunteered to be the tribute in Prim's place. It wasn't that Prim wanted to be a tribute or to face the Hunger Games. She couldn't stand the idea of hurting someone else when she spent so much of her time trying to help her mother save people, but she couldn't imagine losing her sister. She had always had a big sister there to watch out for her. Katniss was safety and strength. Katniss was hers. There had to be another way.
Prim tried to think clearly, but when that didn't work, she screamed and clawed at her sister. She told Katniss to stop, her sister who rarely denied her anything but was now ignoring her. Prim cried and held onto her sister tighter, hoping sheer force of will could keep her in place. She should've known better. No one had a stronger will than Katniss.
Prim was making a scene. She was aware of that, could see Katniss putting up her walls to protect them both, but Prim couldn't stop herself from trying to hold onto her sister. If there was only some prince to whisk them away, if only she was strong like her sister and could face this herself.
Prim felt arms wrap around her and a hand tried to quiet her. Prim squirmed against Gale as he carried her off to her mother, who was wearing the blank expression Prim was so used to seeing. She finally understood why her sister had hated their mother so much for so long because, right then, Prim was capable of a hate she never expected. She hated her sister for taking her place and hated Gale for prying her away and hated everyone for letting it happen.
"Prim, you need to stop," Gale whispered. When she ignored him, he added, "It just makes it worse for her."
Prim went limp and hated herself more than everyone else. This was her fault. She wasn't strong and brave like her sister, everyone was well aware of that, and it had cost her the most precious thing to her - Katniss.
**
Prim had made Katniss promise to try to win. As Prim laid in her bed and stared at the ceiling, she repeated it like a mantra. Katniss promised to try very hard. She promised. Katniss promised and she always kept her promises. Prim heard her mother moving around in her room and shut her eyes, mindlessly stroking Buttercup. Prim wanted to help her mother, to be fearless the way Katniss would have been, but she felt so alone. Prim closed her eyes and immediately drew up an image of her sister looking perfect in the blue dress. She imagined her sister's laugh as she told her not to worry about anything, that she would always protect Prim, no matter what.
Prim felt the tears welling up again and yelled at herself for being such a cry baby. Katniss had given her a list of things to do. Katniss expected her to be strong and that meant Prim had to stop crying and get on with things.
Prim tried to stand up, to eat like her mother had tried to get her to do earlier, but it hurt to move. Losing her father had been the worst moment of Prim's life. She remembered how she refused to believe he was gone even though Katniss looked like the world was falling apart around them and her mother had refused to leave her room, clutching a photograph. Prim had been convinced he would show up one day, completely fine, and explain that he found a way out. It didn't really sink in until months later, when she was so hungry she could barely open her eyes, let alone laugh at one of Katniss' jokes, that she realized her father was really gone. She was empty and it spared her from crying, but nothing was ever the same.
Having the Peacekeepers usher her away from her sister made losing her father feel like nothing. Prim couldn't accept the idea of this. Her sister was so big, better than anyone, and she was paying the price for something rebels did before she was even alive.
Prim just wanted her sister back. If that meant wearing a smile when she was being filmed or lying to herself and everyone around her that she was certain Katniss would win, Prim would do it. She wasn't nearly as amazing as her sister, but she could try. She would do anything for Katniss.
Katniss promised, she thought again, turning onto her side and curling into Katniss' pillow. She inhaled the smell of her sister and felt a momentarily calm. She thought of one of their many stories. Katniss was not gone; she was on a great adventure and would be home soon.
Prim owed it to her sister to believe it enough for both of them.
**
The Girl on Fire and the great doomed romance of Katniss and Peeta were the talk of the town. Unless Prim was around. Suddenly a silence would fall upon the place and linger in the air, thick like fog. It almost made Prim smile. She wanted to giggle and rush home to tell Katniss how the entire District thought she was in love.
Except Katniss was far away.
**
Except when the cameras were around to film family reactions, Prim didn't watch the Games. Both her mother and Gale thought it would be best if she stayed away from the television and the news. If she had wanted to, they wouldn't have stopped her, but there was no point to any of it. Cruelty and pain and loss of hope were all that she could gain from being a part of things.
She tried to live her life. She took care of Buttercup, sold Lady's milk at the Hob, and went to school. She helped her mother create her herbal remedies. Prim pretended to be fine, holding onto the promise her sister had made, and ignored the huge hole in her life that had always been filled by Katniss.
It was the smallest things that Prim missed the most. The early morning grumblings between Katniss and Buttercup. The way Katniss' hands reverently grazed over their father's jacket every day. The soft hum of Katniss' breath on her neck when they slept.
When she was asked on television what she missed most, she simply said, "Everything." It was easier that way.
**
There was no avoiding the end of the Games. Panem came to a halt, everyone gathered around big screens, in anticipation of the crowning of the newest tribute to gain fame and fortune. District 12 was buzzing that not just one, but both their tributes were still alive. There was a strange, hopeful energy in the air, especially in the Seam. Prim wanted to be able to capture the moments into her memory so that she could properly share them with Katniss when she returned. She would hug her sister tightly and say, "Look what you did, Katniss!"
Prim could barely stand to watch the television, but the cameras were on her, keeping track of her every move and she owed it to her sister to be brave. Or at least pretend to be. It wasn't the first time since this whole mess started that she thought of how Katniss would behave and tried to copy it. She doubted it would be the last time she tried to be like her sister.
Time slowed down during the moments between Katniss and Peeta lifting the berries to their lips - no, no, no - and the announcement of the winners. The room was filled with tension that turned to excitement and pride. The press pulled on her mother's arm, asking her stupid questions, before turning to Prim.
Prim smiled brightly, but said nothing, when a camera was shoved into her face. Her mind was racing with a million different things, but Prim kept coming back to the best news she had ever received - Katniss was coming home. Someone stepped between her and the camera, shielding her, and she scooped Buttercup up into her arms and said, "You will need to be patient with her."
Buttercup let out a soft meow and curled into Prim's arms. Prim giggled as she pictured a return to some semblance of normal.
Her sister had kept her promise and Prim couldn't wait to say, "Told you so."
Soon. Soon enough.
**
While knowing her sister was coming home had energized the town, it wasn't until Katniss had smiled at her and had her wrapped up in a hug that Prim could squeal with delight and let go of the nagging feeling that something wasn't right. She didn't care about the big show of things or the money. They wouldn't go hungry, but it was one weight lifted off Katniss' shoulders only to make room for other ones. Prim could see it in the her sister's eyes and the set stance she moved with. Her sister had survived, but she would never be free of the Games.
Katniss held onto Prim with one hand and Peeta with the other. Prim studied him up close and immediately decided that she liked him. She knew her sister liked him too and couldn't wait to tease her about him later.
People were pulling and pushing to get closer to the Victors, but Katniss' grip remained strong on Prim. She said, "I'm sorry about all of this, Prim."
"You don't ever have to be sorry about anything, Katniss. You came home," Prim replied. She squeezed her sister's hand and was grateful when Peacekeepers cleared out the area. Both Katniss and Peeta looked so tired. Prim let go of her sister's hand and stepped in front of the two of them. She said, "You were both very brave."
"I had a promise to keep, didn't I?" Katniss replied, reaching out and brushing a strand of Prim's hair back off her face. "Peeta was nice enough to help me out."
Prim nodded and hugged Peeta. He seemed taken aback for a moment, but his arms wrapped around her and held on for a moment. She kissed his cheek and said, "Thank you."
**
"You don't have to sleep with me anymore," Katniss said, all the while moving over to make room for Prim next to her. Their new home was lovely and Prim knew how hard Katniss had fought for it, but it was too big for Prim's liking and Prim liked to be there to help Katniss after one of her nightmares. Prim slipped into the bed next to her sister without a word and wrapped her arms around Katniss. "I thought I was finally free of that damn cat."
Prim giggled into her sister's shoulder and said, "The Girl on Fire is afraid of an innocent little kitten. I bet that would make headlines around the country."
"The only innocent thing in this room is you, my Little Duck."
Prim sighed. It was impossible to be innocent when her happiness had been given to her at the cost of other people's lives. She didn't say that. Instead, she said, "You should tell me a story. Maybe of how you and Peeta fell in love."
Katniss laughed, not quite what it used to be, but a start. "That is a very boring story."
There was nothing boring about her sister. One day Prim hoped Katniss would see that.
Prim had a lifetime to make her sister see how amazing she was. Tonight it didn't matter. Prim pulled the blanket up tight against them, patting the bottom for Buttercup to curl up, and rested against her sister. She said, "In the beginning, there was Katniss and there was Prim..."
"Oh, I like this story," Katniss interrupted.
"Quiet or I'll feed you to the evil dungeon cat," Prim replied. Buttercup growled on cue and Prim laughed.
Katniss stared at Prim for a moment. Her eyes misting and going off to somewhere else for a flicker of time before she smiled and prompted, "You were saying?"
Prim snuggled in closer. She stroked her sister's head and said, "In the beginning, there was Katniss and there was Prim and nothing could tear them a part."
{Fin}