The Identity Crisis
Remember Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken? Where Mr. Frost stood at a crossroad and chose the road less trodden? I'm standing at that very crossroad now, except that mine has more roads, some beautifully paved, some with thickets and bushes. Lucky Mr. Frost had only two choices, I have so many choices with new ones popping any time.
This is what happens when you have too much time to consider things. You start wavering, you start considering, you start hesitating, you start doubting, you start worrying. All those not-suppose-to-appear suggestions and opinions make their ghostly appearances and haunt you throughout your free time. You become lazy and idle, and you might even lose track of your goal and ambition. Wait, I don't even have an ambition in the first place. I just lose track of my childhood dreams.
I wonder how people make those important decisions in their lives. How did they reason and weigh the consequences when these can be barely seen with the naked eye? Did they have experienced grannies and grandpas to advice them? Or they met inspiring people who encouraged them to make that very life-changing decision? Maybe they just have a clear mind and a clear goal and a clear skill. Unlike me, the female Jack of all trades. I can do almost anything and everything is fine for me. I can like anything and then hate it after a few minutes. My passion is like a burning candle, one day, it will extinguish.
Sometimes, I hate this side of me. I don't have an opinion in most things, and tend to listen to the opinion of others. I'm lazy when it comes to things I don't really care about. I don't dare to voice my own opinions in front of my parents, lest they misunderstood me. Then I have to explain everything again, lose my temper, raise my voice and be an unfilial, disrespectful child. Now my weaknesses are grabbing me by the neck and suffocating me. Worst of all, I don't know what I want now.
Am I worrying too much? Am I shouldering unnecessary burdens? Am I being a Tess? Am I being too idealistic? I think about all these when I made my decision, and sometimes they render me unhappy. Is this part of becoming an adult? Or is this the laments of the naive child pretending to be mature?
Who I am anyway? The eldest child with the burden of supporting the family? The idealistic and naive girl with wild dreams? The inconsiderate and rash lady with too much money to spend? The ordinary person with an unforeseen future? The negotiator who tries to achieve the ideal win win situation? The captain with no compass? I know I'm the architecture of my life. But architectures must consider the rationality of their designs too! They can't possibly design structures with no hope of being constructed, or with the risk of collapsing. They need to consult engineers, don't they? That's what I am doing. Now I am facing rejections here and there and criticisms everywhere.
Where's my wise and unbiased granny when I need one?
This is what happens when you have too much time to consider things. You start wavering, you start considering, you start hesitating, you start doubting, you start worrying. All those not-suppose-to-appear suggestions and opinions make their ghostly appearances and haunt you throughout your free time. You become lazy and idle, and you might even lose track of your goal and ambition. Wait, I don't even have an ambition in the first place. I just lose track of my childhood dreams.
I wonder how people make those important decisions in their lives. How did they reason and weigh the consequences when these can be barely seen with the naked eye? Did they have experienced grannies and grandpas to advice them? Or they met inspiring people who encouraged them to make that very life-changing decision? Maybe they just have a clear mind and a clear goal and a clear skill. Unlike me, the female Jack of all trades. I can do almost anything and everything is fine for me. I can like anything and then hate it after a few minutes. My passion is like a burning candle, one day, it will extinguish.
Sometimes, I hate this side of me. I don't have an opinion in most things, and tend to listen to the opinion of others. I'm lazy when it comes to things I don't really care about. I don't dare to voice my own opinions in front of my parents, lest they misunderstood me. Then I have to explain everything again, lose my temper, raise my voice and be an unfilial, disrespectful child. Now my weaknesses are grabbing me by the neck and suffocating me. Worst of all, I don't know what I want now.
Am I worrying too much? Am I shouldering unnecessary burdens? Am I being a Tess? Am I being too idealistic? I think about all these when I made my decision, and sometimes they render me unhappy. Is this part of becoming an adult? Or is this the laments of the naive child pretending to be mature?
Who I am anyway? The eldest child with the burden of supporting the family? The idealistic and naive girl with wild dreams? The inconsiderate and rash lady with too much money to spend? The ordinary person with an unforeseen future? The negotiator who tries to achieve the ideal win win situation? The captain with no compass? I know I'm the architecture of my life. But architectures must consider the rationality of their designs too! They can't possibly design structures with no hope of being constructed, or with the risk of collapsing. They need to consult engineers, don't they? That's what I am doing. Now I am facing rejections here and there and criticisms everywhere.
Where's my wise and unbiased granny when I need one?