Time changes all things
I found this from a year or two ago. I had logged into my journal sometime in 2016 or so, starting an entry but never finishing it. I was at such a different place in my life then, yet these words still echo true.
A year can do a lot to a person, a few years can do even more. I look back at old entries and it is as though I do not recognize the person I used to be. I had a lot of growing up to do and learned a great deal the hard way. As a child I was fiercely stubborn, much to the dismay of my mother I am sure. I have struggled to do something myself, even when I desperately needed help, just to prove I could do some menial task. Unfortunately that hasn't made me many friends in life, if anything the opposite could be said. I have isolated myself from others and at times took great pride in this seclusion. I have had an "I can do it myself and I don't need anyone else" attitude my whole life. In part it was a survival mechanism in my family. I was certainly never going to find the love and acceptance I needed at home. I built walls because hiding behind them was safe. But that kind of attitude does not translate well to love. B and I have struggled during our marriage. There were those random times we would connect but it was usually not for long before we were both hiding behind our walls again.
Time does change many things. In many ways I feel my marriage is better than it ever has been. I think there is a mutual respect and closeness there that we did not have before. Unfortunately, I feel as though we had to go through hell to get there. I did some things for which I am greatly ashamed. Sad to say but I did not realize the depths of B's love until you can see someone's faults and mistakes, choosing to love them anyway. Things are not perfect but they are in a good place.
We have been thrown a curve ball. We are expecting a new baby girl in April, only three months away. In some ways I am still reeling from the news. Life has a funny way of dealing with things. It was at a pre-op appointment to have laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis and a D and C that I found out I was pregnant. I had been having a great deal of issues with my cycle and finally decided it was time to have the surgery again. The last experience was so bad I put it off for as long as I could stand it. I had decided on the way home from the pre-op appointment, before finding out about being pregnant, it was time to have my tubes tied. I even called B to discuss the issue. Of course he takes a non-committal attitude telling me he supports me in whatever I decide. The past two pregnancies had been really tough and I did not really want to go through that again. Not to mention our two girls were 9 and 11 years old at this point. Things had finally reached the point were they were relatively easy. I certainly did not want to start all over again. But life had other plans. ha ha. I have never been so shocked as when I found out I was pregnant this 3rd time. There are times where I still feel stunned.
Life feels so chaotic. I am full-time in grad school taking two classes each term. I am scheduled to finish up in about eight months in August 2019. I honestly never thought I would get there. Grad school is something I have wanted to do for years but did not think I actually could do it. Having a baby has thrown a curveball into my plans. But I am determined to finish on time. As if that was not enough stress I hate my job. I am working full-time and taking classes. If that was not enough I have to spend 15 hours a week at the hospital psychiatric unit for my graduate level practicum. I keep telling myself I just have to make it through these next few months and things will be fine. If I do not lose my sanity before I get there. B has been really great and is stepping it up at home. He helps out so much with the kids and the housework. To be honest I rarely cook anymore because he does it all. If I had to sum up life in one sentence it would be "blessed but stressed."
A year can do a lot to a person, a few years can do even more. I look back at old entries and it is as though I do not recognize the person I used to be. I had a lot of growing up to do and learned a great deal the hard way. As a child I was fiercely stubborn, much to the dismay of my mother I am sure. I have struggled to do something myself, even when I desperately needed help, just to prove I could do some menial task. Unfortunately that hasn't made me many friends in life, if anything the opposite could be said. I have isolated myself from others and at times took great pride in this seclusion. I have had an "I can do it myself and I don't need anyone else" attitude my whole life. In part it was a survival mechanism in my family. I was certainly never going to find the love and acceptance I needed at home. I built walls because hiding behind them was safe. But that kind of attitude does not translate well to love. B and I have struggled during our marriage. There were those random times we would connect but it was usually not for long before we were both hiding behind our walls again.
Time does change many things. In many ways I feel my marriage is better than it ever has been. I think there is a mutual respect and closeness there that we did not have before. Unfortunately, I feel as though we had to go through hell to get there. I did some things for which I am greatly ashamed. Sad to say but I did not realize the depths of B's love until you can see someone's faults and mistakes, choosing to love them anyway. Things are not perfect but they are in a good place.
We have been thrown a curve ball. We are expecting a new baby girl in April, only three months away. In some ways I am still reeling from the news. Life has a funny way of dealing with things. It was at a pre-op appointment to have laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis and a D and C that I found out I was pregnant. I had been having a great deal of issues with my cycle and finally decided it was time to have the surgery again. The last experience was so bad I put it off for as long as I could stand it. I had decided on the way home from the pre-op appointment, before finding out about being pregnant, it was time to have my tubes tied. I even called B to discuss the issue. Of course he takes a non-committal attitude telling me he supports me in whatever I decide. The past two pregnancies had been really tough and I did not really want to go through that again. Not to mention our two girls were 9 and 11 years old at this point. Things had finally reached the point were they were relatively easy. I certainly did not want to start all over again. But life had other plans. ha ha. I have never been so shocked as when I found out I was pregnant this 3rd time. There are times where I still feel stunned.
Life feels so chaotic. I am full-time in grad school taking two classes each term. I am scheduled to finish up in about eight months in August 2019. I honestly never thought I would get there. Grad school is something I have wanted to do for years but did not think I actually could do it. Having a baby has thrown a curveball into my plans. But I am determined to finish on time. As if that was not enough stress I hate my job. I am working full-time and taking classes. If that was not enough I have to spend 15 hours a week at the hospital psychiatric unit for my graduate level practicum. I keep telling myself I just have to make it through these next few months and things will be fine. If I do not lose my sanity before I get there. B has been really great and is stepping it up at home. He helps out so much with the kids and the housework. To be honest I rarely cook anymore because he does it all. If I had to sum up life in one sentence it would be "blessed but stressed."