Back Again Part 7/??
Title: Back Again
Authors Website: http://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30
Pairing: Kris Allen/Adam Lambert
Rating: Slight R
Summary: After a tragic accident Kris must make some decisions about his life.
Authors Note: All mistakes are mine and this is unbeta’d.
Disclaimer: I don't know them. I have no idea of their sexual orientation. These are just stories that the muses in my head force me to write.
“Maybe I should go check on him” Adam said nearly a week later as he and Derek sat in the back of a rented car, watching Kris as he stood before Roberto’s grave marker.
“He asked us to leave him alone. He’ll let us know when he is ready to leave” Derek assured his husband, taking his hand and holding it gently within his own.
Adam knew that he was right, but it still made him worry for his friend. He was happy that Kris had finally made the decision to give up the apartment and go back to California with them, but he still had a huge nagging doubt that maybe that wasn't the best decision for any of them. Kris hadn’t said much the entire week that they stayed in the apartment he had shared with Roberto, mostly sleeping off and on and when he wasn’t sleeping he was giving directions on what needed to be packed for their move to California and what needed to go into storage. He and Derek had tried several times to engage Kris in conversation, anything to keep his mind off of his sadness, but it never worked. With each day that passed Kris seemed to pull deeper and deeper into himself and they both feared that if something didn’t change Kris might lose a little bit of his sanity.
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for the funeral” Kris began speaking to the marker, reaching out and running his hands over the ornate piece. He knew that Roberto would have hated it since he had always been a simple man, angry that his mother didn’t know anything about her only son. “I’m so sorry about everything” He went on, his eyes heavy and painful at the amount of tears that were waiting to roll from his eyes. “This is all my fault. If I had only listened to you and we had stayed home and made love like you wanted then you wouldn’t be dead” The tears finally won as they poured like waterfalls down his face. “I had to be the stubborn one, had to have everything my way and because of it you are gone from my life forever. I’m so sorry Bertie…so sorry” He fell to his knees harrowing sobs of pain erupting from his lips as he continued to hold onto the piece of granite. “I hope that one day you can forgive me for being so fucking stubborn. You always let me get away with everything” He screamed out, hitting his hands on the hard marker. “Why…why didn’t you just tell me no because then you would still be with me today”
“Adam…no” Derek stopped his lover as he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him back into the car. “He needs this. He needs to release this anger. Leave him be”
“Fuck you…let me go” Adam cried out, struggling like hell to get out of Derek’s grasp, but failing each time that he tried. “He needs me” He sobbed, his heart breaking at the scene playing out a little ways from them. “He needs me” He repeated, crying so hard the he found it almost impossible to breathe.
“He needs this baby” Derek spoke softly as he continued to hold Adam, hating how this was affecting the man that he loved, but knowing that it truly was what Kris needed to help him move towards the healing process.
Kris was exhausted as he continued to kneel before the grave stone, his entire body sore, his hands wet with blood. “Adam came for me” He whispered, leaning forward and resting his forehead on the stone. “He was the first one there despite the fact that we haven’t spoken to each other in so long. I know you know how important he is to me and how much it means that he’s here, but I want you to know that it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I was such a fool to wait so long to tell you that, because I love you so much. I’m always going to love you” The tears began to dwindle down, his eyes growing heavy from the exhaustion weighing down upon him. “I just need to leave. I can’t stay here in New York without you. Adam asked me to move back to California. He says that there are specialists there who may be able to help get my sight back, but honestly I’m not hoping for much. I can’t help but wonder if this all happened because I was so selfish when it came to you. I don’t know” He sighed, running his hand over the grass he was kneeling on. “I’ve sold the apartment and took the things that meant the most to me. The rest is in storage for right now until I decide what to do with my life. I’m so scared and confused and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now. I wish you were here right now. I wish we had our old life” The tears began again because he knew that it was time to move forward and figure out some things about his life. “I’ve got to go Bertie” He croaked, hating that he had to leave, but knowing that his time was coming to a close at the crunching of leaves and twigs he heard behind him. “Always know that I love you and that I miss you and we will be together soon”
“I’m not trying to rush you Kris but I just wanted to make sure that you were ok” Adam spoke softly, ignoring the angry looks he knew Derek was shooting his way after he had escaped from the car.
“I’m fine” He lied, swallowing hard at the pain as he pulled himself upwards. “I was just saying goodbye” He instantly leaned into Adam’s side as his arms came around him, assisting him off of the ground. “I’m just so tired” He leaned in further, his feet dragging some as Adam led him towards the waiting car.
“You can sleep on the plane” Adam replied, helping Kris into the car, still ignoring the smoldering looks his husband was sending his way. “To the airport please” He told the driver of the car, lying his head atop Kris’s as he continued to hold him in his arms. Finally risking a glance over at his husband he was filled with an enormous amount of guilt at the amount of pain, anger and uncertainty he saw staring back at him.
“Are you going to talk to me at all tonight?” Adam asked Derek as they prepared for bed six months later after returning back to California. Since they had returned it had been one hardship and disappointment after another and the marriage between the two of them was suffering because of it. Adam refused to leave Kris’s side for a moment, going everywhere from appointments to see the specialists to Kris’s weekly appointments with a home care giver who specialized in helping the blind move forward with theirs lives. Derek felt alone and hurt that Adam never seemed to have the time for him any longer and the small amounts of time that they did have together, Kris somehow managed to impede on it.
“What’s the point when everything that I tell you, you do the opposite of” Derek ground out, throwing a decorative pillow on the floor.
“You act like this is easy for me” Adam defended, rushing around the bed picking the pillow up, tossing it on a nearby arm chair. “He’s lost and scared and I can’t help but be protective of him”
“Being protective is one thing, you act as if you are obsessed” Derek countered, brushing past Adam because he needed to get away from him.
“He’s my best friend Derek” Adam shouted in anger, unable to understand why his husband just didn’t seem to be getting it.
“No…he’s not” Derek yelled back. “Not that long ago you weren’t even speaking to him and now he’s your best friend?”
“You don’t understand” Adam growled, not really sure if he understood what he was trying to say as well, but unwilling to let Derek know that.
“Your right. I don’t” He agreed, kicking the bottom of the bed with his leather boot. “I don’t get any of this. You want to help him, fine I get that, but this is more then just helping him. It’s like maybe you want more and you think that if you are there for him that you just might get it”
“I can’t believe you just said that” Adam cried out, his mouth open in shock but his mind telling him that Derek was closer to the truth then he wanted to admit.
“Believe it” He yelled back, crossing his arms over his chest. “All I’ve ever heard from you idol friends since I’ve met you is how you and Kris were star crossed lovers. I’ve heard about how much you loved each other and yet because Kris was married you weren’t able to be together. I watched American Idol that season Adam so you have to know that I saw it with my own eyes as well. I didn’t need them to tell me how you felt about him because all of America saw it when you looked at him. I knew when I started to date you that there was always the possibility that you would leave me for him, but then when you asked me to marry you and…” He cut himself off, thinking back to the time when Adam had proposed to him. “You asked me to marry you in order to get back at him” He shot out, tears blurring his eyes because the words hurt so much to say.
“Derek…you’re being ridicules” Adam replied loudly, rushing across the room, attempting to pull his husband into his arms, even though he knew his words were one hundred percent true. The fact was that he loved Derek, but the wedding had only been a way to alert Kris that he was no longer going to wait for him.
“No…I don’t think that I am” He pushed Adam away, sitting down heavily on the bed. “Oh my god I’ve been such a fool”
“Derek, please just listen to me” Adam begged softly, sitting down next to his husband, but not touching him.
“Just tell me the truth Adam” Derek asked, his throat raw and heavy with emotion as he looked up at the man that he loved, his always expressive eyes telling him more then he needed to know.
“It’s partly true” Adam surrendered, his own eyes glistening with tears as he stared down at the carpet trying to explain without hurting his husband more then he already had. “When I asked you to marry me part of the reason was to let Kris know that I was moving on, but I’ve never lied to you about how much I loved you” He assured, but he could tell by the look of horror on Derek’s face that the sentiment was anything but helpful.
“We were together for over a year before you asked me to marry you” Derek’s voice sounded pained and it killed Adam to hear as he closed his eyes and allowed his tears to fall silently. “So during that time you were just waiting for him to let you know that he was ready to be with you”
“Derek…please” Adam begged softly, his heart breaking because he knew that no matter how he tried to explain it, nothing was going to be the same after that night.
“If he had told you that he wanted to be together would you have left me to be with him?” He asked, looking at Adam as he found fascination with the floor once again.
“Please Derek” He begged again, refusing to look up from the carpet at his feet because he knew if he did that Derek would see it all in his eyes.
“Just answer the question” He demanded, his voice getting louder.
“I love you and I love our marriage, isn’t that enough” Adam asked, eyes still locked on the floor.
“Just answer the question?” Adam finally lost focus on the floor as he felt Derek get up and pace in front of him. “Don’t even bother because I already know the answer” He turned to face Adam, hand on the doorknob of the bedroom door. “I need to get out of here for awhile. I need to think”
Think about what?’ Adam cried out in fear as he jumped up, wrapping his arms around Derek in an attempt to crush him to his body. “Please don’t go. We can talk about this. I love you dammit. I’m not lying when I say that to you” He sobbed, grabbing Derek’s hand and cradling it to his chest. “Look in my eyes and see the truth” He switched tactics, cupping both sides of his face and forcing him to look into his eyes. “I love you”
“You love me now, but it doesn’t make it any less painful to know that I was just holding his place” Derek cried right along with Adam, wanting desperately to pull him into his arms and forget about everything that had just happened, but he knew that couldn’t happen as he pushed him away and ran from the room.
“Derek wait…” Adam cried out, chasing after him. “Where are you going? Don’t do this, please”
“I can’t be here right now. I need some time to think, some time to process everything. I’m going to go and stay with my brother for a while and then….” He trailed off because he didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
“Then what?” Adam sobbed as he grabbed onto his arm, forcing Derek to turn around before he reached the door. “Don’t leave. We just need to talk and we can work things though together. I love you”
“I can’t hear that right now” He responded, pulling Adam’s hands off of him as he grabbed his keys off of the hallway table and rushed out of their home.
TBC...
Authors Website: http://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30
Pairing: Kris Allen/Adam Lambert
Rating: Slight R
Summary: After a tragic accident Kris must make some decisions about his life.
Authors Note: All mistakes are mine and this is unbeta’d.
Disclaimer: I don't know them. I have no idea of their sexual orientation. These are just stories that the muses in my head force me to write.
“Maybe I should go check on him” Adam said nearly a week later as he and Derek sat in the back of a rented car, watching Kris as he stood before Roberto’s grave marker.
“He asked us to leave him alone. He’ll let us know when he is ready to leave” Derek assured his husband, taking his hand and holding it gently within his own.
Adam knew that he was right, but it still made him worry for his friend. He was happy that Kris had finally made the decision to give up the apartment and go back to California with them, but he still had a huge nagging doubt that maybe that wasn't the best decision for any of them. Kris hadn’t said much the entire week that they stayed in the apartment he had shared with Roberto, mostly sleeping off and on and when he wasn’t sleeping he was giving directions on what needed to be packed for their move to California and what needed to go into storage. He and Derek had tried several times to engage Kris in conversation, anything to keep his mind off of his sadness, but it never worked. With each day that passed Kris seemed to pull deeper and deeper into himself and they both feared that if something didn’t change Kris might lose a little bit of his sanity.
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for the funeral” Kris began speaking to the marker, reaching out and running his hands over the ornate piece. He knew that Roberto would have hated it since he had always been a simple man, angry that his mother didn’t know anything about her only son. “I’m so sorry about everything” He went on, his eyes heavy and painful at the amount of tears that were waiting to roll from his eyes. “This is all my fault. If I had only listened to you and we had stayed home and made love like you wanted then you wouldn’t be dead” The tears finally won as they poured like waterfalls down his face. “I had to be the stubborn one, had to have everything my way and because of it you are gone from my life forever. I’m so sorry Bertie…so sorry” He fell to his knees harrowing sobs of pain erupting from his lips as he continued to hold onto the piece of granite. “I hope that one day you can forgive me for being so fucking stubborn. You always let me get away with everything” He screamed out, hitting his hands on the hard marker. “Why…why didn’t you just tell me no because then you would still be with me today”
“Adam…no” Derek stopped his lover as he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him back into the car. “He needs this. He needs to release this anger. Leave him be”
“Fuck you…let me go” Adam cried out, struggling like hell to get out of Derek’s grasp, but failing each time that he tried. “He needs me” He sobbed, his heart breaking at the scene playing out a little ways from them. “He needs me” He repeated, crying so hard the he found it almost impossible to breathe.
“He needs this baby” Derek spoke softly as he continued to hold Adam, hating how this was affecting the man that he loved, but knowing that it truly was what Kris needed to help him move towards the healing process.
Kris was exhausted as he continued to kneel before the grave stone, his entire body sore, his hands wet with blood. “Adam came for me” He whispered, leaning forward and resting his forehead on the stone. “He was the first one there despite the fact that we haven’t spoken to each other in so long. I know you know how important he is to me and how much it means that he’s here, but I want you to know that it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I was such a fool to wait so long to tell you that, because I love you so much. I’m always going to love you” The tears began to dwindle down, his eyes growing heavy from the exhaustion weighing down upon him. “I just need to leave. I can’t stay here in New York without you. Adam asked me to move back to California. He says that there are specialists there who may be able to help get my sight back, but honestly I’m not hoping for much. I can’t help but wonder if this all happened because I was so selfish when it came to you. I don’t know” He sighed, running his hand over the grass he was kneeling on. “I’ve sold the apartment and took the things that meant the most to me. The rest is in storage for right now until I decide what to do with my life. I’m so scared and confused and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now. I wish you were here right now. I wish we had our old life” The tears began again because he knew that it was time to move forward and figure out some things about his life. “I’ve got to go Bertie” He croaked, hating that he had to leave, but knowing that his time was coming to a close at the crunching of leaves and twigs he heard behind him. “Always know that I love you and that I miss you and we will be together soon”
“I’m not trying to rush you Kris but I just wanted to make sure that you were ok” Adam spoke softly, ignoring the angry looks he knew Derek was shooting his way after he had escaped from the car.
“I’m fine” He lied, swallowing hard at the pain as he pulled himself upwards. “I was just saying goodbye” He instantly leaned into Adam’s side as his arms came around him, assisting him off of the ground. “I’m just so tired” He leaned in further, his feet dragging some as Adam led him towards the waiting car.
“You can sleep on the plane” Adam replied, helping Kris into the car, still ignoring the smoldering looks his husband was sending his way. “To the airport please” He told the driver of the car, lying his head atop Kris’s as he continued to hold him in his arms. Finally risking a glance over at his husband he was filled with an enormous amount of guilt at the amount of pain, anger and uncertainty he saw staring back at him.
“Are you going to talk to me at all tonight?” Adam asked Derek as they prepared for bed six months later after returning back to California. Since they had returned it had been one hardship and disappointment after another and the marriage between the two of them was suffering because of it. Adam refused to leave Kris’s side for a moment, going everywhere from appointments to see the specialists to Kris’s weekly appointments with a home care giver who specialized in helping the blind move forward with theirs lives. Derek felt alone and hurt that Adam never seemed to have the time for him any longer and the small amounts of time that they did have together, Kris somehow managed to impede on it.
“What’s the point when everything that I tell you, you do the opposite of” Derek ground out, throwing a decorative pillow on the floor.
“You act like this is easy for me” Adam defended, rushing around the bed picking the pillow up, tossing it on a nearby arm chair. “He’s lost and scared and I can’t help but be protective of him”
“Being protective is one thing, you act as if you are obsessed” Derek countered, brushing past Adam because he needed to get away from him.
“He’s my best friend Derek” Adam shouted in anger, unable to understand why his husband just didn’t seem to be getting it.
“No…he’s not” Derek yelled back. “Not that long ago you weren’t even speaking to him and now he’s your best friend?”
“You don’t understand” Adam growled, not really sure if he understood what he was trying to say as well, but unwilling to let Derek know that.
“Your right. I don’t” He agreed, kicking the bottom of the bed with his leather boot. “I don’t get any of this. You want to help him, fine I get that, but this is more then just helping him. It’s like maybe you want more and you think that if you are there for him that you just might get it”
“I can’t believe you just said that” Adam cried out, his mouth open in shock but his mind telling him that Derek was closer to the truth then he wanted to admit.
“Believe it” He yelled back, crossing his arms over his chest. “All I’ve ever heard from you idol friends since I’ve met you is how you and Kris were star crossed lovers. I’ve heard about how much you loved each other and yet because Kris was married you weren’t able to be together. I watched American Idol that season Adam so you have to know that I saw it with my own eyes as well. I didn’t need them to tell me how you felt about him because all of America saw it when you looked at him. I knew when I started to date you that there was always the possibility that you would leave me for him, but then when you asked me to marry you and…” He cut himself off, thinking back to the time when Adam had proposed to him. “You asked me to marry you in order to get back at him” He shot out, tears blurring his eyes because the words hurt so much to say.
“Derek…you’re being ridicules” Adam replied loudly, rushing across the room, attempting to pull his husband into his arms, even though he knew his words were one hundred percent true. The fact was that he loved Derek, but the wedding had only been a way to alert Kris that he was no longer going to wait for him.
“No…I don’t think that I am” He pushed Adam away, sitting down heavily on the bed. “Oh my god I’ve been such a fool”
“Derek, please just listen to me” Adam begged softly, sitting down next to his husband, but not touching him.
“Just tell me the truth Adam” Derek asked, his throat raw and heavy with emotion as he looked up at the man that he loved, his always expressive eyes telling him more then he needed to know.
“It’s partly true” Adam surrendered, his own eyes glistening with tears as he stared down at the carpet trying to explain without hurting his husband more then he already had. “When I asked you to marry me part of the reason was to let Kris know that I was moving on, but I’ve never lied to you about how much I loved you” He assured, but he could tell by the look of horror on Derek’s face that the sentiment was anything but helpful.
“We were together for over a year before you asked me to marry you” Derek’s voice sounded pained and it killed Adam to hear as he closed his eyes and allowed his tears to fall silently. “So during that time you were just waiting for him to let you know that he was ready to be with you”
“Derek…please” Adam begged softly, his heart breaking because he knew that no matter how he tried to explain it, nothing was going to be the same after that night.
“If he had told you that he wanted to be together would you have left me to be with him?” He asked, looking at Adam as he found fascination with the floor once again.
“Please Derek” He begged again, refusing to look up from the carpet at his feet because he knew if he did that Derek would see it all in his eyes.
“Just answer the question” He demanded, his voice getting louder.
“I love you and I love our marriage, isn’t that enough” Adam asked, eyes still locked on the floor.
“Just answer the question?” Adam finally lost focus on the floor as he felt Derek get up and pace in front of him. “Don’t even bother because I already know the answer” He turned to face Adam, hand on the doorknob of the bedroom door. “I need to get out of here for awhile. I need to think”
Think about what?’ Adam cried out in fear as he jumped up, wrapping his arms around Derek in an attempt to crush him to his body. “Please don’t go. We can talk about this. I love you dammit. I’m not lying when I say that to you” He sobbed, grabbing Derek’s hand and cradling it to his chest. “Look in my eyes and see the truth” He switched tactics, cupping both sides of his face and forcing him to look into his eyes. “I love you”
“You love me now, but it doesn’t make it any less painful to know that I was just holding his place” Derek cried right along with Adam, wanting desperately to pull him into his arms and forget about everything that had just happened, but he knew that couldn’t happen as he pushed him away and ran from the room.
“Derek wait…” Adam cried out, chasing after him. “Where are you going? Don’t do this, please”
“I can’t be here right now. I need some time to think, some time to process everything. I’m going to go and stay with my brother for a while and then….” He trailed off because he didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
“Then what?” Adam sobbed as he grabbed onto his arm, forcing Derek to turn around before he reached the door. “Don’t leave. We just need to talk and we can work things though together. I love you”
“I can’t hear that right now” He responded, pulling Adam’s hands off of him as he grabbed his keys off of the hallway table and rushed out of their home.
TBC...