Crisis of Self
I've looked at myself recently, long and hard and finally the wall between me and my pride and stubborn vanity has broken. There's a lot that I've decided I hate about myself. I'm going to list them, so that I can remind myself of my faults:
1.) I am too quick to judge. I need more patience and understanding above all. I find that my beliefs that most people are stupid are justified, but that before today I've excluded myself from the majority. Today I understand that I am no better than anyone else. My temper only allows me so much self-control, but I have to remind myself of my misgivings before I condemn someone else's.
2.) I am very insecure about my love. Jason asked me "Is it enough that I need you because I want you with me?" And while the thought is pretty that he needs me because he wants my company, I found my heart answering, "It used to be, but it's not anymore." I don't particularly like the answer, because I see a lot of selfishness and vanity in it, but I realized that it's true, that I expect our love to grow consistently and constantly more and more. I expect more romance, more happiness, more growth and direction. Instead everything seems stale, and while he is invaluable to my soul and current happiness, I always have to ask him directly why he loves me and I'm pretty convinced there's something wrong with this in me. Either my Sagittarius is screaming for some form of freedom, or this self-humbling period is needed so I can change enough ot understand the depth of his love. I hope he really needs me. He says he loves me because I'm so different from everyone else, even though lately I've been feeling oh-so cookie cutter. I am really upset with this horrible rudeness that's rooted itself to me.
3.) I am getting older and more physically unattractive. Much of it is my fault and not the fault of time. I've been gaining weight due to a bad diet and lack of exercise which I plan on fixing after I move. For now though, I feel very uncomfortable. My goal has always been to aim for "beautiful" and not limit myself to "pretty" but I wonder how much I should care about that and how much more I should care about making sure my outer self reflects in the inner self.
4.) I am grossly uninformed and unintelligent. My education in anything is lacking, and the things I felt proud of myself for learning are basic and based more on opinion than fact. I love the world and nature and understanding the wisdom in life, but I need to learn more of the practical, more of the human and the sciences that we know are law and reliable. I need to learn more about my government and the issues going on, and I need to research more, grow more intelligent so I don't fall behind others. Perhaps when I move I should check out the closest library and become a patron. That sounds like a good goal. I plan on teaching myself more bass guitar too so I can actually play a song with chords instead of just fondling it and plucking random strings.
5.) The few friends I have I end up pushing away. I find that I am about me, and completely so. I can't believe there is so much vanity in me. I'm so self-absorbed, always putting things I need to do first and not being caring or honest enough to communicate the truth. I can't say I'll ever learn how ot phrase things appropriately, but I would like to prove to my friends I'm a good person, that I work hard, and that I am an impressive addition to the other people that they know and they're glad they have me with them because it teaches them something about themselves. I know, I feel pretty bigoted.
6.) I need to quit drifting in my occupations and find a job that teaches me skills I actually want to apply to real life. I want to be educated in something, have some type of forte in whatever it is that I choose. I'm a few years too late for college but god knows I want to try to be useful. I want to do a good job in everything, and I want to provide for myself anf make a better life. Packing up my stuff makes me realize how few things I have and how much I hold that is simple but more precious to me than words. I guess this is why I don't live in Hollywood- I can't seem to carelessly throw stuff away.
For right now I think that's all I'm going to list. It's really hard for me to see the good in myself so while I might seem needy it's just cause it's easy for me to think and hard for me to refect. I know what I should and want to be, but I can never figure out the assets and weaknesses I have at any given time besides issues that are reoccurring. I really, really want to popen myself up and love me, but I'm so damn skeptical and I don't know if I can afford that open of a heart anymore. Yes, that thought is sad.
-K.
1.) I am too quick to judge. I need more patience and understanding above all. I find that my beliefs that most people are stupid are justified, but that before today I've excluded myself from the majority. Today I understand that I am no better than anyone else. My temper only allows me so much self-control, but I have to remind myself of my misgivings before I condemn someone else's.
2.) I am very insecure about my love. Jason asked me "Is it enough that I need you because I want you with me?" And while the thought is pretty that he needs me because he wants my company, I found my heart answering, "It used to be, but it's not anymore." I don't particularly like the answer, because I see a lot of selfishness and vanity in it, but I realized that it's true, that I expect our love to grow consistently and constantly more and more. I expect more romance, more happiness, more growth and direction. Instead everything seems stale, and while he is invaluable to my soul and current happiness, I always have to ask him directly why he loves me and I'm pretty convinced there's something wrong with this in me. Either my Sagittarius is screaming for some form of freedom, or this self-humbling period is needed so I can change enough ot understand the depth of his love. I hope he really needs me. He says he loves me because I'm so different from everyone else, even though lately I've been feeling oh-so cookie cutter. I am really upset with this horrible rudeness that's rooted itself to me.
3.) I am getting older and more physically unattractive. Much of it is my fault and not the fault of time. I've been gaining weight due to a bad diet and lack of exercise which I plan on fixing after I move. For now though, I feel very uncomfortable. My goal has always been to aim for "beautiful" and not limit myself to "pretty" but I wonder how much I should care about that and how much more I should care about making sure my outer self reflects in the inner self.
4.) I am grossly uninformed and unintelligent. My education in anything is lacking, and the things I felt proud of myself for learning are basic and based more on opinion than fact. I love the world and nature and understanding the wisdom in life, but I need to learn more of the practical, more of the human and the sciences that we know are law and reliable. I need to learn more about my government and the issues going on, and I need to research more, grow more intelligent so I don't fall behind others. Perhaps when I move I should check out the closest library and become a patron. That sounds like a good goal. I plan on teaching myself more bass guitar too so I can actually play a song with chords instead of just fondling it and plucking random strings.
5.) The few friends I have I end up pushing away. I find that I am about me, and completely so. I can't believe there is so much vanity in me. I'm so self-absorbed, always putting things I need to do first and not being caring or honest enough to communicate the truth. I can't say I'll ever learn how ot phrase things appropriately, but I would like to prove to my friends I'm a good person, that I work hard, and that I am an impressive addition to the other people that they know and they're glad they have me with them because it teaches them something about themselves. I know, I feel pretty bigoted.
6.) I need to quit drifting in my occupations and find a job that teaches me skills I actually want to apply to real life. I want to be educated in something, have some type of forte in whatever it is that I choose. I'm a few years too late for college but god knows I want to try to be useful. I want to do a good job in everything, and I want to provide for myself anf make a better life. Packing up my stuff makes me realize how few things I have and how much I hold that is simple but more precious to me than words. I guess this is why I don't live in Hollywood- I can't seem to carelessly throw stuff away.
For right now I think that's all I'm going to list. It's really hard for me to see the good in myself so while I might seem needy it's just cause it's easy for me to think and hard for me to refect. I know what I should and want to be, but I can never figure out the assets and weaknesses I have at any given time besides issues that are reoccurring. I really, really want to popen myself up and love me, but I'm so damn skeptical and I don't know if I can afford that open of a heart anymore. Yes, that thought is sad.
-K.