Past and Future
Today I went through my LJ history. Assuming the archive is complete, it's now been just over five years since I first started posting. I noticed that several of my posts were redundant, indicating I have a tendency to forget when I've written and think a remembered idea is new. No wonder I get Deja Vu so often. But that's not the most important thing I noticed.
Just under five years ago, it seems, I first became aware of Her.
I've spent much of that time working on this drawing. This is very close to the image I see when I close my eyes, that is never far from my mind, and that I'm always seeking in the corner of my vision wherever I go. The image now is so close to perfect that looking at it hurts my eyes. It's like looking into the face of God.
When I first saw this dream, I never dared to believe that five years later, I would have made no progress in searching for Her. At the least, I expected to have the means to search more thoroughly. I assumed that, soon enough, I would have new dreams with concrete information, that She would whisper in my ear again, that I would have some clues as to where to look. I don't.
I've tried. I went to freaking Ireland on a hint. I routinely delve futile internet searches. I drag myself to public events because, what the hell, She might be there. I'm left without clues, torn. I want to travel the world searching, yet at the same time I fear She might come looking for me.
Ultimately, I feel like I've made little progress. My journal is full of the same ideas couched in different ways. I've done a little writing, but I haven't published any of it. And I still have no idea what I mean to do, or where to go.
Just under five years ago, it seems, I first became aware of Her.
I've spent much of that time working on this drawing. This is very close to the image I see when I close my eyes, that is never far from my mind, and that I'm always seeking in the corner of my vision wherever I go. The image now is so close to perfect that looking at it hurts my eyes. It's like looking into the face of God.
When I first saw this dream, I never dared to believe that five years later, I would have made no progress in searching for Her. At the least, I expected to have the means to search more thoroughly. I assumed that, soon enough, I would have new dreams with concrete information, that She would whisper in my ear again, that I would have some clues as to where to look. I don't.
I've tried. I went to freaking Ireland on a hint. I routinely delve futile internet searches. I drag myself to public events because, what the hell, She might be there. I'm left without clues, torn. I want to travel the world searching, yet at the same time I fear She might come looking for me.
Ultimately, I feel like I've made little progress. My journal is full of the same ideas couched in different ways. I've done a little writing, but I haven't published any of it. And I still have no idea what I mean to do, or where to go.