Hmm
Anytime I come to write in my journal I always read the last post and I am intrigued about how far I have come along with how I was feeling.
I read about how uncertain I was about my relationship with my girlfriend.
The fight night went great and she understood how important it was to me. We shared a great night with one another as well as my other friends. Minus the attention my girlfriend got from one guy. I don't mind when they hit on her...but he was being very forceful and creepy.
This weekend she surprised me by taking me to a boxing match. So many things I notice about her these days. We're getting closer together and communicating more. Of course with two people getting to know each other some moments are better than others but I'm glad that I'm sharing this experience with her. I'm glad that we are in each others lives and we are both impacting them in positive ways.
Next weekend I have a week off. She is taking me out again and we will be able to share private time with one another. Unfortunately with our living arrangements we don't get to share much privacy.
I love to see the moments when I can tell how she feels about me. I remember when I told her in a letter that I may feel that I am falling in love with her, I told her not to feel obligated to say it bc I am. She did tell me she loved me, but was not in love with me at that time. Although I did understand it did concern me. I know realistically that people may not share the same feelings mutually at the same time.
I remember I think it was about a week or two ago, her and I were walking in NYC and she stopped and told me that she thinks she's falling in love with me. As I write that, it made me smile and tear up for a few reasons...1, I was glad that she was opening up to me, and gave me some reassurance that we are continuing to grow closer to one another. 2, I believe that may have been the first time that I felt I was entitled to the feeling of love. Sometimes I fight with what I deserve emotionally. (I'm currently speaking to a therapist about this issue) I felt sooooo good when she told me this. I stopped and hugged her so tight, and I believe we kissed. Something about NYC that I love is that I do not second guess when I am affectionate towards her like when I'm on Long Island.
The other day, when we were in bed with each other, was the first time..that I saw her express the emotion of tears. I loved that..the tears shared mixed feelings and although positive I knew there was some concern. I know that when we are intimate I'm so use to pleasing myself that I rather do that than share certain moments of pleasure with her. To look deeper into this...its about letting go, and not having control. This is something I have struggled with, and I am working towards allowing her to please me, and to not feel that I should not deserve this type of closeness with her, and that bc she may bring me to orgasm, it does not mean that she has "control" over me.
I look forward to being more open with her but I know it is going to take time. What I appreciate about her, is that she is giving me a chance, she is patient with me. She is one of the most loving and compassionate people I know or have ever been with. I like that she brings attention to parts of me or us where she knows can be improved. She believes in me. Something I did not experience a lot of.
Right now I am worried about her. She drinks sometimes and just, in my opinion gets irresponsible. Sometimes I want to "save" her but, that would not help the situation. Nor can one help someone that does not need to be saved. I called her a moment ago and she didn't answer. I did get a text from her that I knew was not geared towards me so at least I got something.
Ergh, I should be in bed but...then again I was in bed until 4pm earlier..back to work tomorrow and I cannot wait for this week to be over so I can enjoy my week off!!
I'll get to spend some time with my girl, I'd like to reconnect with some friends and I will be going to my jobs company party. The department I haven't worked in for a few months. It'll be good to see some people that I haven't seen in awhile. Crazy thing is my girlfriend still works there and I am her guest. It sucks a bit that..I am nervous about this bc...although I want to be by her side that night..I am worried about people knowing her and I are together and out so to speak. Part of me writing this right now does not care about it but I know when I see some people, I'm going to get nervous..
I just want to enjoy a positive time, playing games and say enjoying the evening..
More later as it happens...should get situated for bed..
I read about how uncertain I was about my relationship with my girlfriend.
The fight night went great and she understood how important it was to me. We shared a great night with one another as well as my other friends. Minus the attention my girlfriend got from one guy. I don't mind when they hit on her...but he was being very forceful and creepy.
This weekend she surprised me by taking me to a boxing match. So many things I notice about her these days. We're getting closer together and communicating more. Of course with two people getting to know each other some moments are better than others but I'm glad that I'm sharing this experience with her. I'm glad that we are in each others lives and we are both impacting them in positive ways.
Next weekend I have a week off. She is taking me out again and we will be able to share private time with one another. Unfortunately with our living arrangements we don't get to share much privacy.
I love to see the moments when I can tell how she feels about me. I remember when I told her in a letter that I may feel that I am falling in love with her, I told her not to feel obligated to say it bc I am. She did tell me she loved me, but was not in love with me at that time. Although I did understand it did concern me. I know realistically that people may not share the same feelings mutually at the same time.
I remember I think it was about a week or two ago, her and I were walking in NYC and she stopped and told me that she thinks she's falling in love with me. As I write that, it made me smile and tear up for a few reasons...1, I was glad that she was opening up to me, and gave me some reassurance that we are continuing to grow closer to one another. 2, I believe that may have been the first time that I felt I was entitled to the feeling of love. Sometimes I fight with what I deserve emotionally. (I'm currently speaking to a therapist about this issue) I felt sooooo good when she told me this. I stopped and hugged her so tight, and I believe we kissed. Something about NYC that I love is that I do not second guess when I am affectionate towards her like when I'm on Long Island.
The other day, when we were in bed with each other, was the first time..that I saw her express the emotion of tears. I loved that..the tears shared mixed feelings and although positive I knew there was some concern. I know that when we are intimate I'm so use to pleasing myself that I rather do that than share certain moments of pleasure with her. To look deeper into this...its about letting go, and not having control. This is something I have struggled with, and I am working towards allowing her to please me, and to not feel that I should not deserve this type of closeness with her, and that bc she may bring me to orgasm, it does not mean that she has "control" over me.
I look forward to being more open with her but I know it is going to take time. What I appreciate about her, is that she is giving me a chance, she is patient with me. She is one of the most loving and compassionate people I know or have ever been with. I like that she brings attention to parts of me or us where she knows can be improved. She believes in me. Something I did not experience a lot of.
Right now I am worried about her. She drinks sometimes and just, in my opinion gets irresponsible. Sometimes I want to "save" her but, that would not help the situation. Nor can one help someone that does not need to be saved. I called her a moment ago and she didn't answer. I did get a text from her that I knew was not geared towards me so at least I got something.
Ergh, I should be in bed but...then again I was in bed until 4pm earlier..back to work tomorrow and I cannot wait for this week to be over so I can enjoy my week off!!
I'll get to spend some time with my girl, I'd like to reconnect with some friends and I will be going to my jobs company party. The department I haven't worked in for a few months. It'll be good to see some people that I haven't seen in awhile. Crazy thing is my girlfriend still works there and I am her guest. It sucks a bit that..I am nervous about this bc...although I want to be by her side that night..I am worried about people knowing her and I are together and out so to speak. Part of me writing this right now does not care about it but I know when I see some people, I'm going to get nervous..
I just want to enjoy a positive time, playing games and say enjoying the evening..
More later as it happens...should get situated for bed..