(no subject)
I sit here looking at this screen wondering anymore.
I can't believe how long its been. Just..in general. Some days I feel like I'm still 15 trying to figure everything out where most of the time I feel like I'm 30. I have to think about how old I really am. Its been hard lately the company that bought ours out is having problems so our payments that we live on are becoming inconsistant.
I always feel like if this all fails that its over, and I shouldn't I'm almost turning 21 but I can't shake the feeling.
Been talking to the Army Guard recruiter, despite the Fibro depending they may still take me. Its a last resort since I'd be shipped off for boot out of state I can't remember all the locations but with how wacked out everything is I can't..leave it.
I'm realizing everyone I used to talk to on a regular basis-in person and online-its faded into almost nonexistant. Just grew apart, and its no ones fault it just happens. I miss the days of feeling those bonds though I'll admit.
I miss my mother, I love my father we're a good team or we wouldn't have survived. But I keep remembering how I lost my best friend. Depression and lonliness isn't anything new for me really anymore, it was enough my grandmother decided with my father I needed a project not attached to the horses. So I'm in a training course for service dogs (for me and the barn) with Zeus, he's a rescued 14 month old Mantle Great Dane. He's my baby and on bad days he's been my biggest help.
I know I don't post here often, and part of it is nothings truelly new, in the sense of whats going on other then its gotten so much worse. I'm hanging on by my fingernails to not wallow in depression and I hate making it seem like I am when I write. I just don't have anything positive to really write about anymore that I can think of, I'm lucky if there isn't yelling somewhere in the house or I'm not overdrafted in the bank. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way.
Trying to get back into writing, started watching KR when I end up not able to sleep at night, trying to stay somehow positive. But the due dates looming and I'm not even halfway there.
Love you all and I'm sorry I'm scarce anymore, I just don't know what to do anymore.
I can't believe how long its been. Just..in general. Some days I feel like I'm still 15 trying to figure everything out where most of the time I feel like I'm 30. I have to think about how old I really am. Its been hard lately the company that bought ours out is having problems so our payments that we live on are becoming inconsistant.
I always feel like if this all fails that its over, and I shouldn't I'm almost turning 21 but I can't shake the feeling.
Been talking to the Army Guard recruiter, despite the Fibro depending they may still take me. Its a last resort since I'd be shipped off for boot out of state I can't remember all the locations but with how wacked out everything is I can't..leave it.
I'm realizing everyone I used to talk to on a regular basis-in person and online-its faded into almost nonexistant. Just grew apart, and its no ones fault it just happens. I miss the days of feeling those bonds though I'll admit.
I miss my mother, I love my father we're a good team or we wouldn't have survived. But I keep remembering how I lost my best friend. Depression and lonliness isn't anything new for me really anymore, it was enough my grandmother decided with my father I needed a project not attached to the horses. So I'm in a training course for service dogs (for me and the barn) with Zeus, he's a rescued 14 month old Mantle Great Dane. He's my baby and on bad days he's been my biggest help.
I know I don't post here often, and part of it is nothings truelly new, in the sense of whats going on other then its gotten so much worse. I'm hanging on by my fingernails to not wallow in depression and I hate making it seem like I am when I write. I just don't have anything positive to really write about anymore that I can think of, I'm lucky if there isn't yelling somewhere in the house or I'm not overdrafted in the bank. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way.
Trying to get back into writing, started watching KR when I end up not able to sleep at night, trying to stay somehow positive. But the due dates looming and I'm not even halfway there.
Love you all and I'm sorry I'm scarce anymore, I just don't know what to do anymore.