Honestly, sit her down and try to explain it so she can cope. Going in behind his back is taking away his autonomy and ability to do what he wants or deal with it in his own way. (My answer might be different were he a child, but since he's not...)
As an adoptee, my parents were very specific about my own right to my things, boundaries, etc. I didn't come from an abusive position, but they have always said that they would help me find my parents or not as I chose. They have some information I could use, but they have not offered it and I haven't asked for it.
I'm not particularly that curious about it and I don't particularly need to find anything out about them. To force me into a position where I was, for example, handed contact information or (heaven forbid) they found her and invited her over without my knowing, would be horrid.
Mom has had some boundary issues, in the past, that I've had to stand firm on. I understand her need to protect her baby, even though I'm pushing 40, but at the same time, I don't bend on my boundaries. Really, that's what it boils down to with your wife. It's not her decision, she obviously doesn't agree with his...but she has to sit down and be quiet about it because it's, ultimately, his issue to deal with.
Yeah, I have kept track of all James blood kin, and all the information is availible to him, and has been since he was seven. When he was seven before we adopted him there was a bonding assesment done because his parents contested the adoption. I was leaning against the wall adjoining the room he had his private interview in, resting my eyes and of course I could hear every word. When asked what the best thing about living with his parents was, he replied nothing in a small cold voice, it was chilling, he has not moved much past there with regard to his parents. Hacking his account is cheap and sleazy solution, the problem does not really rise to this level of interference.
As an adoptee, my parents were very specific about my own right to my things, boundaries, etc. I didn't come from an abusive position, but they have always said that they would help me find my parents or not as I chose. They have some information I could use, but they have not offered it and I haven't asked for it.
I'm not particularly that curious about it and I don't particularly need to find anything out about them. To force me into a position where I was, for example, handed contact information or (heaven forbid) they found her and invited her over without my knowing, would be horrid.
Mom has had some boundary issues, in the past, that I've had to stand firm on. I understand her need to protect her baby, even though I'm pushing 40, but at the same time, I don't bend on my boundaries. Really, that's what it boils down to with your wife. It's not her decision, she obviously doesn't agree with his...but she has to sit down and be quiet about it because it's, ultimately, his issue to deal with.
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Hard on my wife though.
Be well.
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