(no subject)
Ok. so here is the long ass post i promised.
So the last 2-3 weeks have been sucking majorly. And because all of you people that read this know that i've been having some really bad days of late, and want to konw, and because i probably wont start to feel better until i get this out of me and onto paper (im copying off my notebook). here it is.
(during math 099)
Most of my problems originated at Jack Camp. It was basically Fresmen Orientation pt. 2. but more social and fun. Social indeed. I neleive it lasted from Thursday to Monday. So a weekend. That saturday we had a "casino" night. First time i'd had a cold DP in a few days. man did it taste good. yeah i know its pitiful. so while everyone was playing cards and stuff, they had a DJ person playing music, so naturally there were people dancing. So i was trying to get this girl that i had been talking to that week to start dancing with me, but she just wouldnt. So i asked another girl that was hangin with them. Rachel. and she agreed. so we danced. now this wasent slow crap or stuff. it was Yeah or Get Low kinda stuff. good dancing music. And i know it was just one dance, but. you konw when you can tell something is clicking? It was. i asked her if she'd go to the real dance on sunday night with me. and she said yeah. so i was happy. so during the free time we had that day we hung out on this little wooden porch thing outside her cabin(the camp took place in a state park). and we really started filrting there. she was really ticklish on her sides, which for some odd reason i like in girls. but whenever id grab her sided or poke her, she'd reach around and take my hand and move it away. but. it was different. it wasent like she didnt like it and was annoyed, she....she kinda lingerd in holding my hand. but it wasent a full hand holding. it was more like just fingers touching. and slowly drawing away. That night was really fun. We danced and that was all there was to it. When i was walking her back to her cabin, we said good night and she kissed me. no tongue or anything, but it was on the lips. you know, between a dry kiss and making out? if your a girl, and up to it just ask me and ill show you. and she held it for a second longer than normal. so i definitely knew that something was going on between us.
(English 131)
Even though i was already in a relationship. Me and Stephanie had been going out(officially) for about....3 days. I dont know why i even started this with Rachel. I guess it was to fulfill the physical aspects.....no...that wasent it. There was something different about Rachel. Something i dont pick up in most other girls. We got to college and she still wanted to keep it up. We talked one day and we decided that we were never going out, more like...exclusively seeing eachother. friends with benefits ive heard it called.(remind me never to do that kinda relationship again) She came over to my room for about an hour and we layed next to eachother on the floor and watched tv. my room mate was in the room, so i wasent going to do anything. few days later, after labor day weekend, i went over to her room 'cause i missed her alot over the weekend because she left to go see her ex graduate from Basic Training. Luckly her roomate wasent there. We started to...flirt i guess. we were both lying on the floor, again, and we were really close to eachother. and i kinda turned her around, she was laying next to me with her head on my shoulder, my arm around her, and hers over me. i turned her over and we caught eachother's eyes. (btw, she had told me that mine were really pretty back at that porch thing) and....i kissed her. kissed like we did that night, but longer. and multiple times. almost to the point of making out. but in order to continue, i have to tell you this. she's got this weird reaction from her childhood where when you poke her cheek, she pokes her tongue out. its funny. but weird as well. so for some really. REALLY odd reason right as we were about to get into it, i poked her cheek. killing the moment. killing the passionant kiss we held. little to know that it would be our last.
We got off the floor and i lifted her onto her bed. its lofted up so her legs were about low chest region to me. i was kinda leaning into her, with my hands on her legs. holding her. and then her room mate entered. and...that negative energy/adrenaline rush/wave coursed through me. she put her stuff down and then went to the bathroom. we immediately left. rachel was telling me that her room mate would be pissed at her when she went back up, because she knew something.
(lunch time)
She didnt tell me what it was, but after a few tries, i figured out that her ex boyfriend(who still had really strong feelings for her) proposed to her when she went to Ft. Jackson in South Carolina on Labor Day weekend. Like a ton of bricks it hit me. for the next hour, we sat talking about what she would do. and what she should decide upon because she was having problems saying yes, because she was a fresmen in college and he was fresh out of BT. I told her later that night that i was calling off whatever it was that we had so that she could think clearly on what she wanted. and what would make her happy. about 2 days later she said that she couldnt say yes to him, because it'd be too much stress right now. we "made up" and decided that when we were ready, we'd try to pick it up again and start over. So for the past week, ive been trying to instigate something...get the snowball rolling. but every single time i tried to get her to go to to dinner. or go do something. she was a brick wall. always busy. always studying. always something! i was trying! to no avail...
She left last weekend (17th-19th) to go home and see friends. I kinda left on a sour note with her. I was trying to get her to come to dinner with me before she left. i kept trying and i got the idea that she was gonna make it for dinner in awile. so i asked her to meet me in about 30 down in the cafeteria. she said that was if she could. i got so fed up with dealing with it i said "fine. cya." and from me it was like fine! good bye! all rude like. i wasent happy.
Sunday she comes back. she starts to talk to me and says this. "Ive got some bad news. you ready?"...."I dont know how to say this" and from that moment on i knew what was wrong. i knew what had happend that weekend. she accepted his proposal. "I now have a ring around my finger."
I sat in silence for 3 minutes. staring. wondering. disparing. wishing this had never happened. I came back and said "well. congratulations...i guess. but uh...i have to go" then signed off before she could reply.
After that i went to my car. did i have somewhere to go? no. did i have something to do? no. did i really gotta go? yes. cause i couldnt stand it right there. i was just so pissed off. and doubly depressed. i found my linkin park cd. blasted my music at who the fuck cares o clock at night and floored it out of there. i didnt know where i was going. just somewhere. away. trying to channel all this....emotion out of me. trying to get it out. but not wanting it. i wanted it to stay. so i could stay pissed at her forever. i never want to forgive this. i never want to see her again. but this after noon i was standing with some friends outside of e. college cafeteria when i saw her leaving steen hall. all of a sudden i just said i got to go. i didnt want to confront her. i didnt want to talk to her. i didnt want see her. i didnt want her. i just...i dont ever want to interact with her any more. never. this has cut too deep for me. too deep too soon into my college career.
I have been living by Linkin Parks-In the End....cause it doesnt really matter. no matter how hard i tried.
So the last 2-3 weeks have been sucking majorly. And because all of you people that read this know that i've been having some really bad days of late, and want to konw, and because i probably wont start to feel better until i get this out of me and onto paper (im copying off my notebook). here it is.
(during math 099)
Most of my problems originated at Jack Camp. It was basically Fresmen Orientation pt. 2. but more social and fun. Social indeed. I neleive it lasted from Thursday to Monday. So a weekend. That saturday we had a "casino" night. First time i'd had a cold DP in a few days. man did it taste good. yeah i know its pitiful. so while everyone was playing cards and stuff, they had a DJ person playing music, so naturally there were people dancing. So i was trying to get this girl that i had been talking to that week to start dancing with me, but she just wouldnt. So i asked another girl that was hangin with them. Rachel. and she agreed. so we danced. now this wasent slow crap or stuff. it was Yeah or Get Low kinda stuff. good dancing music. And i know it was just one dance, but. you konw when you can tell something is clicking? It was. i asked her if she'd go to the real dance on sunday night with me. and she said yeah. so i was happy. so during the free time we had that day we hung out on this little wooden porch thing outside her cabin(the camp took place in a state park). and we really started filrting there. she was really ticklish on her sides, which for some odd reason i like in girls. but whenever id grab her sided or poke her, she'd reach around and take my hand and move it away. but. it was different. it wasent like she didnt like it and was annoyed, she....she kinda lingerd in holding my hand. but it wasent a full hand holding. it was more like just fingers touching. and slowly drawing away. That night was really fun. We danced and that was all there was to it. When i was walking her back to her cabin, we said good night and she kissed me. no tongue or anything, but it was on the lips. you know, between a dry kiss and making out? if your a girl, and up to it just ask me and ill show you. and she held it for a second longer than normal. so i definitely knew that something was going on between us.
(English 131)
Even though i was already in a relationship. Me and Stephanie had been going out(officially) for about....3 days. I dont know why i even started this with Rachel. I guess it was to fulfill the physical aspects.....no...that wasent it. There was something different about Rachel. Something i dont pick up in most other girls. We got to college and she still wanted to keep it up. We talked one day and we decided that we were never going out, more like...exclusively seeing eachother. friends with benefits ive heard it called.(remind me never to do that kinda relationship again) She came over to my room for about an hour and we layed next to eachother on the floor and watched tv. my room mate was in the room, so i wasent going to do anything. few days later, after labor day weekend, i went over to her room 'cause i missed her alot over the weekend because she left to go see her ex graduate from Basic Training. Luckly her roomate wasent there. We started to...flirt i guess. we were both lying on the floor, again, and we were really close to eachother. and i kinda turned her around, she was laying next to me with her head on my shoulder, my arm around her, and hers over me. i turned her over and we caught eachother's eyes. (btw, she had told me that mine were really pretty back at that porch thing) and....i kissed her. kissed like we did that night, but longer. and multiple times. almost to the point of making out. but in order to continue, i have to tell you this. she's got this weird reaction from her childhood where when you poke her cheek, she pokes her tongue out. its funny. but weird as well. so for some really. REALLY odd reason right as we were about to get into it, i poked her cheek. killing the moment. killing the passionant kiss we held. little to know that it would be our last.
We got off the floor and i lifted her onto her bed. its lofted up so her legs were about low chest region to me. i was kinda leaning into her, with my hands on her legs. holding her. and then her room mate entered. and...that negative energy/adrenaline rush/wave coursed through me. she put her stuff down and then went to the bathroom. we immediately left. rachel was telling me that her room mate would be pissed at her when she went back up, because she knew something.
(lunch time)
She didnt tell me what it was, but after a few tries, i figured out that her ex boyfriend(who still had really strong feelings for her) proposed to her when she went to Ft. Jackson in South Carolina on Labor Day weekend. Like a ton of bricks it hit me. for the next hour, we sat talking about what she would do. and what she should decide upon because she was having problems saying yes, because she was a fresmen in college and he was fresh out of BT. I told her later that night that i was calling off whatever it was that we had so that she could think clearly on what she wanted. and what would make her happy. about 2 days later she said that she couldnt say yes to him, because it'd be too much stress right now. we "made up" and decided that when we were ready, we'd try to pick it up again and start over. So for the past week, ive been trying to instigate something...get the snowball rolling. but every single time i tried to get her to go to to dinner. or go do something. she was a brick wall. always busy. always studying. always something! i was trying! to no avail...
She left last weekend (17th-19th) to go home and see friends. I kinda left on a sour note with her. I was trying to get her to come to dinner with me before she left. i kept trying and i got the idea that she was gonna make it for dinner in awile. so i asked her to meet me in about 30 down in the cafeteria. she said that was if she could. i got so fed up with dealing with it i said "fine. cya." and from me it was like fine! good bye! all rude like. i wasent happy.
Sunday she comes back. she starts to talk to me and says this. "Ive got some bad news. you ready?"...."I dont know how to say this" and from that moment on i knew what was wrong. i knew what had happend that weekend. she accepted his proposal. "I now have a ring around my finger."
I sat in silence for 3 minutes. staring. wondering. disparing. wishing this had never happened. I came back and said "well. congratulations...i guess. but uh...i have to go" then signed off before she could reply.
After that i went to my car. did i have somewhere to go? no. did i have something to do? no. did i really gotta go? yes. cause i couldnt stand it right there. i was just so pissed off. and doubly depressed. i found my linkin park cd. blasted my music at who the fuck cares o clock at night and floored it out of there. i didnt know where i was going. just somewhere. away. trying to channel all this....emotion out of me. trying to get it out. but not wanting it. i wanted it to stay. so i could stay pissed at her forever. i never want to forgive this. i never want to see her again. but this after noon i was standing with some friends outside of e. college cafeteria when i saw her leaving steen hall. all of a sudden i just said i got to go. i didnt want to confront her. i didnt want to talk to her. i didnt want see her. i didnt want her. i just...i dont ever want to interact with her any more. never. this has cut too deep for me. too deep too soon into my college career.
I have been living by Linkin Parks-In the End....cause it doesnt really matter. no matter how hard i tried.