"Baby there's something wrong with me..."
I'm having a harder and harder time motivating myself to engage in the business of life. I'm just kind of disenchanted it seems, and I'm having a hard time enjoying myself. I'm not really sure what the issue is, or if it's anything I should be worried about or not. It's not that I can't be distracted, it's more that... that's all anything feels like anymore. A distraction. Somehow the pettyness of existence is the story as a whole these days, and other things are just side plots. I suppose that's alright really, I do have side plots. But I feel like the underlying fun of life is a little elusive anymore. I'd guess this is something that has to do with something else, I'm built that way anyway. And I have been busy. I mean, I had a nice comfortable simple life two years ago, and the life I live today resembles that life only superficially. So many new things... The vast majority of them are good, but still. It's kind of a lot I guess. Maybe I just need to get out more though, I have been cooped up here an awful lot lately.
...could it be fear? It almost feels like fear. That would make a certain amount of sense too. Maybe it's fear. I'm planning on moving in with my girlfriend in May when my lease runs out, and it's quite possible that I'm actually frightened out of my mind and haven't really noticed yet. Not quite sure how to address that either. Maybe I should talk to her about this. I'm also applying for a full time teaching position, which would be a bit of an adjustment. But I don't think I'll get it. And if I don't, I've made the decision to leave this town entirely, at least for a few years, and seek more education. Which is also scary I guess. Probably is. If I go that route, that's the next five years of my life most likely, and I honestly don't even know if I can do it, though I suspect I can. And after that, then what? Come back here? Maybe. Man, I hate worrying about the future, maybe that's the problem. It's not something I did much before now. The irony is, the only thing I'm really afraid of is being unhappy, and I think that fear may be making me a little unhappy. Stupid brain.
...could it be fear? It almost feels like fear. That would make a certain amount of sense too. Maybe it's fear. I'm planning on moving in with my girlfriend in May when my lease runs out, and it's quite possible that I'm actually frightened out of my mind and haven't really noticed yet. Not quite sure how to address that either. Maybe I should talk to her about this. I'm also applying for a full time teaching position, which would be a bit of an adjustment. But I don't think I'll get it. And if I don't, I've made the decision to leave this town entirely, at least for a few years, and seek more education. Which is also scary I guess. Probably is. If I go that route, that's the next five years of my life most likely, and I honestly don't even know if I can do it, though I suspect I can. And after that, then what? Come back here? Maybe. Man, I hate worrying about the future, maybe that's the problem. It's not something I did much before now. The irony is, the only thing I'm really afraid of is being unhappy, and I think that fear may be making me a little unhappy. Stupid brain.