"Bad Things"
Why do we grown-ups make things so hard? More to the point, when do we lose the ability to draw the line? As toddlers, not a single one of us had a problem with telling the entire world "NO!", or with making it well and truly known when we were mad, or when we'd had more than we could take. Somehow, most of us as adults have developed the mindset that we can't refuse to help, that we can't turn down that extra work, that we can't pass on a single PTA meeting, or "Bad Things" will happen. What are these "Bad Things"? Who inflicts them? The truth is, most "Bad Things" are in our mind, and we inflict them upon ourselves with constant worry.
"There's always room for one more," my subconscious will tell me. "It's just one more hour/mile/dollar, what does it matter in the end?" I guess if it was truly JUST ONE more, it wouldn't. I frequently tell myself I can sleep when I'm dead, and that money is just a material possession which too shall pass, and that's also true. The problem comes when "just one more" happens every day, sometimes several times a day. Before I know it, "just one more" has taken over my life, and left me with no time for myself, or any of the things I love to do. This is where I find myself.
I struggle with a good deal of guilt where helping out is concerned. I have a very difficult time with the idea that someone else is struggling when I could lighten the load, and to refuse to assist eats at me so badly that I am virtually unable to enjoy myself in the free time I created with my refusal. My friends have always known they can come to me any time, day or night, if they have a problem or need help. Similarly with work, my bosses on the whole would tell you that if they ask me to do something, they can count on it getting done. Largely, this is internally driven...to be otherwise would be to completely change my personality from the ground up. In other words, I don't do it with a reward in mind, I do it because I feel that it is the right thing to do. If I were not available, or dependable, or whatever you want to call it, my own disappointment in myself would consume me. To a certain extent, I believe that feeling that way is healthy, a driving force to keep people decent and productive members of society. My trouble is, I have that feeling in spades. Any refusal to help, or provide support, or spend time, or take on another project, will immediately trigger a cascade of worry about "Bad Things".
"What if my boss fires me for refusing to work after-hours? What if my friends think I'm being selfish for not answering the phone? Who will take care of my family if I go on a weekend retreat?" Those thoughts and many more similar ones keep me working long past the point where I could gladly have stopped. At times, long past the point of utter physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. Logically, I can look at those situations and know that my boss is highly unlikely to fire me, my friends understand that I have a life (or ought to), and that my family is completely capable of taking care of themselves for a few days. Why then do these "Bad Things" continue to plague me? Or more accurately, why do I allow them to plague me? Why do I allow people to make demands of me that would never be met were I to demand them of someone else?
Very often, I wish I could take this enormous load I carry and dump it off a cliff. I wish I could finally just say "NO" to every demand made of me. I wish I knew where to draw the line between reasonable and unreasonable requests. I wish I could shrug off any worry of "Bad Things", real or imagined. If I had any idea how to do any of that, I would.
"There's always room for one more," my subconscious will tell me. "It's just one more hour/mile/dollar, what does it matter in the end?" I guess if it was truly JUST ONE more, it wouldn't. I frequently tell myself I can sleep when I'm dead, and that money is just a material possession which too shall pass, and that's also true. The problem comes when "just one more" happens every day, sometimes several times a day. Before I know it, "just one more" has taken over my life, and left me with no time for myself, or any of the things I love to do. This is where I find myself.
I struggle with a good deal of guilt where helping out is concerned. I have a very difficult time with the idea that someone else is struggling when I could lighten the load, and to refuse to assist eats at me so badly that I am virtually unable to enjoy myself in the free time I created with my refusal. My friends have always known they can come to me any time, day or night, if they have a problem or need help. Similarly with work, my bosses on the whole would tell you that if they ask me to do something, they can count on it getting done. Largely, this is internally driven...to be otherwise would be to completely change my personality from the ground up. In other words, I don't do it with a reward in mind, I do it because I feel that it is the right thing to do. If I were not available, or dependable, or whatever you want to call it, my own disappointment in myself would consume me. To a certain extent, I believe that feeling that way is healthy, a driving force to keep people decent and productive members of society. My trouble is, I have that feeling in spades. Any refusal to help, or provide support, or spend time, or take on another project, will immediately trigger a cascade of worry about "Bad Things".
"What if my boss fires me for refusing to work after-hours? What if my friends think I'm being selfish for not answering the phone? Who will take care of my family if I go on a weekend retreat?" Those thoughts and many more similar ones keep me working long past the point where I could gladly have stopped. At times, long past the point of utter physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. Logically, I can look at those situations and know that my boss is highly unlikely to fire me, my friends understand that I have a life (or ought to), and that my family is completely capable of taking care of themselves for a few days. Why then do these "Bad Things" continue to plague me? Or more accurately, why do I allow them to plague me? Why do I allow people to make demands of me that would never be met were I to demand them of someone else?
Very often, I wish I could take this enormous load I carry and dump it off a cliff. I wish I could finally just say "NO" to every demand made of me. I wish I knew where to draw the line between reasonable and unreasonable requests. I wish I could shrug off any worry of "Bad Things", real or imagined. If I had any idea how to do any of that, I would.