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[stormandshadows]

I went by Kinko's & got 200 flyers done, was going around & posting them on doors tonight. Had wanted to try & get this whole side of the complex done tonight, since I have a feeling I'm not supposed to put flyers anywhere but the posting board in the mailrooms. "oh, you mean I wasn't supposed to do that? I'm sorry, I told you I was doing flyers

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[stormandshadows]

I talked to an old guy yesterday, who sits a lot in front of the next building. He claimed to have seen her the day before & petted her. I did sit with him for a while & watch the neighborhood, just chitchatting. At first I thought his story was for real. Now, I'm not so sure. His time sense seems wonky, & at one point he saw this other cat & took off after her on his motor scooter, trying to get her for me. It was this other cat that's been roaming the complex, not my baby. I asked him if it was the cat he'd seen yesterday, he said no. But if he COULD think it was the same cat enough to take off after it, I have to wonder if he just said no because he was embarrassed to think he was mistaken.

It seems to vary how well I'm holding up. I took advantage of having Columbus Day off today to go to some more shelters & vets to drop off flyers. Was doing ok during the day. But after dark, when I usually get home & watch TV with my baby, that's when it gets bad. Had already been having something of a meltdown before she disappeared, although that mood had improved when I got an apology for a lot of the crap that happened last summer. Just sometimes, it feels like the universe is intent on kicking me while I'm down, making sure I stay down. I shouldn't delude myself that I matter, etc etc etc.

I don't know. One lady I talked to on Friday, said something about how Sera needs me to not give up on her. That she could still be outside. Which if the old guy's story is true, it could be. I've been setting my alarm to go out several times a night to look for her, since cats are nocturnal. The apartment office staff said that a lot of the animals in the complex congregate by the hot tub at night, for the warmth. So I've been checking that too. But I haven't gone out at all tonight. Was crying a lot about the old stuff that I'd been having come up recently, then spent some time crying about Sera, that I'd let her down.

Had actually gone to one of my friends this evening for a massage. He'd just passed the certification test last week, which I understand is very tough to do. I was feeling decent for a while after I got home, then the downward spiral started all over again.

I will try to get up in a few hours to check the hot tub again, I just can't face doing it right now.