We Interrupt this Program...
I would like to interrupt this broadcast with an urgent PSA. I have noticed a disturbing trend lately. The first time, I thought it was a fluke, a blip. The second, I began to worry, as it was clearly different parties involved. But the third time has come, and I can no longer remain silent.
The candy ravers are back.
The long, layered strings of rainbow beads. The pacifiers. The glow in the dark band-aids.
Not the originals, though, mind you. New ones. Approximately 12-13 years old, all tiny and squeaky and shit.
According to the well-established laws of Retro Return, this can mean only one thing: enough time has elapsed since the peak of the original candy rave movement that the original parties have grown old enough to have spawned pubescent progeny. My first instinct was to blame The X, but of course, that's not it- this is the first wave. That means that the CR' wave must have been spawned by those other than ravers- and now their children are mocking them by ironically donning the uniform of those kids that were cooler than their parents in *ahem* HIGH *ahem* school.
But if this pattern continues- then, if they actually exist, the children of the original ravers will be drawn in too. They will crawl into attics, boxes under beds, yearbooks, old Geocities websites... and then, tragedy will ensue.
They will think that their parents were pretty cool to have been into this- all the way Back Then.
And the death knell will ring.
People. PLEASE. I beg of you- do not let this happen! If you have children, and anything in your home that could speed this epidemic- photographs, pacifiers, beads, bubbles, DayGlo, even the still valuable black-lights and Manic Panic, I beg of you- throw them out NOW.
Please- won't you think of the children?
The candy ravers are back.
The long, layered strings of rainbow beads. The pacifiers. The glow in the dark band-aids.
Not the originals, though, mind you. New ones. Approximately 12-13 years old, all tiny and squeaky and shit.
According to the well-established laws of Retro Return, this can mean only one thing: enough time has elapsed since the peak of the original candy rave movement that the original parties have grown old enough to have spawned pubescent progeny. My first instinct was to blame The X, but of course, that's not it- this is the first wave. That means that the CR' wave must have been spawned by those other than ravers- and now their children are mocking them by ironically donning the uniform of those kids that were cooler than their parents in *ahem* HIGH *ahem* school.
But if this pattern continues- then, if they actually exist, the children of the original ravers will be drawn in too. They will crawl into attics, boxes under beds, yearbooks, old Geocities websites... and then, tragedy will ensue.
They will think that their parents were pretty cool to have been into this- all the way Back Then.
And the death knell will ring.
People. PLEASE. I beg of you- do not let this happen! If you have children, and anything in your home that could speed this epidemic- photographs, pacifiers, beads, bubbles, DayGlo, even the still valuable black-lights and Manic Panic, I beg of you- throw them out NOW.
Please- won't you think of the children?