Is there such a thing as a healthy adversion to society?
I can't help but wonder if the reason I constantly feel uncomfortable in a strictly social setting is because I'm secretly hurting beyond understanding. I mean, I don't really feel "lonely". I feel like I could be missing something, but only because most other people seem to like it and crave it so much. It is, after all, natural instinct. I feel quite content getting human contact through more indirect and isolated means. Chorus, books, anime, Drew, my sisters, and my two friends. Two. One of them is really Drew's friend anyway. Maybe two and a half. I have a sickening feeling that there is a deep imbeded reason why I max out at two people (besides my sisters and occasionally more extended members of my family and pseudo families). Not sickening with certainty, but with worry. Worry that it might be a problem.
Generally speaking I think I am quite happy. I just... worry. Is their such a thing as a healthy adversion to social contact? I mean, I look at people and I just don't care. I have no interest in talking to them unless it will be productive (like, needed information... even then its slightly painful). I'll talk back, be civil and friendly, but unless they ask for it, I'll just leave after. It's always kind of been like that. I don't know if its fear of rejection or just self sufficiently. I know it started as fear of rejection, but have I lost the need? Am I like a social vegetarian, so not used to engaging in purely social relations that I can no longer stomach them? If that was the case, I would be quite content to stay that way. I can handle professional interactions, I rather enjoy them a lot.
I get comfort from the fact that my dad is a little like that. He absolutly abhors the thought of something like a party. And my dad is about as sane as it gets. Sort of. (He's something of an adrenaline juncky, but he's the healthiest forty-something I've ever met)
Ah well. Such is life. I just hope it dosen't crash down on me in some cosmic meltdown. I really can't see it happeneing, which is why I'm afraid it might, if that makes any sence.
In other news, I've been riding the high of realizing that being human is being able to do anything ever. The only thing that could ever limit us is our own imagination and our conviction. Its not that we can't, but that we don't want to. I could fly out of my chair right now and turn the sky into a bowl of chocolate pudding, I'm quite certain, but the effort and time it would have taken to figure out how to do it simply would not have been worth it. So I don't really want to. We can do anything so long as we are willing to pay for it. That is our only limit. Other than not realizing this., but that's just tragic.
In summation, I will state the only thought I have ever had that I never had any doubt was true:
We are, in and of ourselves, all we will ever know and all that it is possible to be
Generally speaking I think I am quite happy. I just... worry. Is their such a thing as a healthy adversion to social contact? I mean, I look at people and I just don't care. I have no interest in talking to them unless it will be productive (like, needed information... even then its slightly painful). I'll talk back, be civil and friendly, but unless they ask for it, I'll just leave after. It's always kind of been like that. I don't know if its fear of rejection or just self sufficiently. I know it started as fear of rejection, but have I lost the need? Am I like a social vegetarian, so not used to engaging in purely social relations that I can no longer stomach them? If that was the case, I would be quite content to stay that way. I can handle professional interactions, I rather enjoy them a lot.
I get comfort from the fact that my dad is a little like that. He absolutly abhors the thought of something like a party. And my dad is about as sane as it gets. Sort of. (He's something of an adrenaline juncky, but he's the healthiest forty-something I've ever met)
Ah well. Such is life. I just hope it dosen't crash down on me in some cosmic meltdown. I really can't see it happeneing, which is why I'm afraid it might, if that makes any sence.
In other news, I've been riding the high of realizing that being human is being able to do anything ever. The only thing that could ever limit us is our own imagination and our conviction. Its not that we can't, but that we don't want to. I could fly out of my chair right now and turn the sky into a bowl of chocolate pudding, I'm quite certain, but the effort and time it would have taken to figure out how to do it simply would not have been worth it. So I don't really want to. We can do anything so long as we are willing to pay for it. That is our only limit. Other than not realizing this., but that's just tragic.
In summation, I will state the only thought I have ever had that I never had any doubt was true:
We are, in and of ourselves, all we will ever know and all that it is possible to be