Fic: it's a feeling i guess that i'll get used to (Santana, PG-13) (2/2)
Title: it’s a feeling i guess that i’ll get used to
Characters: Santana, (Brittany/Santana, Sam/Santana)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Brittany goes away with her parents for the first month of the summer, and Santana finds a friend she wasn’t expecting.
Sam’s brother and sister actually aren’t that much of a pain, and they end up all sitting on the bed watching cartoons that Sam had downloaded onto Kurt’s laptop, Sam on one side with the two kids between them and Santana on the other, Stacy’s feet kicked over her lap. Sam keeps glancing at her and smiling over the top of the kids’ heads and after a while Santana starts to smile back despite herself, and okay, this isn’t the worst way to spend an afternoon.
Sam queues up a bunch of episodes so they don’t have to move when one ends, and Stevie and Stacy stare at the screen happily, and even Santana gets into it, snorting under her breath at some of the jokes that go over the kids heads, Sam catching her eye and smirking every time she does.
“I don’t think they should be watching this,” she mouths to him a few episodes later, under the cover of Stevie’s laughter, and Sam actually looks surprised that she’s that concerned.
“I didn’t know you cared,” he whispers back and she just folds her arms over her chest and huffs, staring at the screen again until he gets the hint and goes back to watching too.
It’s only later when she hisses, “Okay, but they just made a joke about how that kid jacks off to a piece of that pink girl’s hair,” that he reaches to clamp a hand over her mouth before his brother and sister hear her, bumping past them both in the process. They both spin round to look at them, owl eyed and Santana pulls Sam’s hand away.
“Look the vampire chick is singing,” she says, and they give her one last look before they go back to watching the show.
Sam just glares at her and she shrugs, pushing him back onto his own side of the bed. “This show is messed up,” she whispers, and doesn’t wait for him to reply.
+
It’s only when they get to the end of the season that Santana realises how long she’s been there and stretches her legs, trying to get the kinks out as she shifts to the edge of the bed. “I should go home,” she says, and Sam nods, untangling himself from his brother and following her to the door.
“So,” she says at the same time he says, “Thanks for helping out,” and they just stare at each other, waiting for the other one to say something.
“This wasn’t a date or anything,” she says, because she doesn’t think it’s just the lighting in here that’s making his eyes look soft, and watches his eyes bug out in alarm.
“Of course it wasn’t,” he says and he actually looks offended, like he’s bothered that she thought he thought it was. She feels herself blush a little and rolls her eyes.
“I’m just saying now I’m not with Karofsky, I don’t want to get back with you,” and she doesn’t know what makes her say it but he just shakes his head and gives her a nudge towards the door.
“Obviously,” is all he says, voice a little bit sad, as he closes the door behind her.
+
She feels like crap all the way home, and she can’t shake the feeling that she’s blown the only good thing she has going on right now, and then she feels even worse because Sam Evans is the only good thing she has and they’re not even really friends.
“Did you have a good time?” her mom asks when she gets home, which makes it all worse, and she just grunts a non-committal answer and retreats to her room.
She sinks on to her bed and kicks her shoes off, running a hand through her hair while her stomach twists with guilt, and then she crosses the room to her computer and waits for it to turn on. Sam isn’t online when Skype opens but Quinn is, and after a second’s hesitation she types hey q, sorry i missed ur calls and then tries to think of an excuse that doesn’t involve Brittany.
She waits for a reply, and after a moment it says that Quinn is typing, and she feels something like relief flood her stomach.
Her phone buzzes against the desk while she waits for Quinn’s reply, and she opens the message from Brittany quickly, hey bb i’m taking ash and my cousin to the pool today. wish you were here to share my lounger :) x
She stares at it for a second before she texts back sounds like fun :) and she looks up just in time to see the quinn is typing message disappear. No more words appear, and after a second the little indicator to show that she’s online disappears too.
“Shit,” she mutters, and snaps the lid of her computer shut a little harder than she has to.
+
She’s asleep when Brittany calls and wakes her up, and she reaches for her phone blindly and hits answer without really stopping to consider it.
“Hey,” Brittany says, “Did I wake you up?”
“Um, yeah,” Santana mumbles, rubbing a hand over her face to try force the tiredness away. “Different time zone, Britt.”
“I’m sorry,” Brittany says, and sounds like she means it too. “I just wanted to hear your voice, and everyone finally went to bed and left me alone, so.”
“Are you-are you having a good time?” Santana asks after a moment, trying to ignore the hopeful part of her that sits up at Brittany’s words.
“It’d be better if you were here,” Brittany says, and Santana can hear the pout in her voice. She tries to ignore it. “Do you miss me too?”
Santana wants to say of course she does, but she just about manages a strangled, “Yes,” her voice coming out hoarse.
“I’ll be back soon,” Brittany says once she’s realised Santana isn’t going to say anything else. “It’s won’t be much longer.”
It’s two and a half weeks, Santana wants to say, it might as well be all the time in the world.
“Have you been having fun without me?” Brittany asks, trying to keep the moment light, and Santana wants to say no, but.
“I’ve been hanging out with Sam,” she says hesitantly, wondering how Brittany will interpret that.
“Cool,” Brittany says immediately, “I’m glad he has a friend right now,” only it doesn’t sound like she’s just talking about Sam.
“Yeah,” Santana says softly, and she’s glad Brittany can’t see the way she buries her head a little further into her pillow.
+
She stays in her room for most of the day checking Skype kind of obsessively, but Sam and Quinn aren’t there, and she flicks through the college brochures half heartedly, wishing she had more of an idea of what it was she wanted to do with the rest of her life.
Whenever she used to think about the future she used to see Brittany and her together, because she always thought somewhere in the back of her head that if they could just make it out of high school and this stupid town then everything would be easier in college and she wouldn’t have to feel so scared all of the time, only things didn’t work out that way and even though she still sees Brittany she doesn’t see herself anymore and doesn’t know where she fits in.
Her phone buzzes and she wishes she’d just sang the damn duet all those months ago and laughed it all off, and then it buzzes again and she hates herself for the thought because even though this is harder and awful and she doesn’t know if things are going to work out it has to be better than before because otherwise why bother?
At least she feels like she can breathe sometimes, the way she never could before, even if it looks like everything is closing in on her some days and she just doesn’t know what to do.
(The message from Brittany just says hi! xxxx and she smiles at it and lets herself breathe for just a moment before she hits reply.)
+
She takes the route to Sam’s motel when she goes for a run later and finds him sitting on the little patch of grass by the parking lot, flicking through a pitifully small stack of comic books and sorting them into piles with a look of determination look on his face.
She comes to a stop and jogs over to him, tugging her earphones out and dropping them around her neck as he looks up and spots her.
“Hey,” he says, as she sinks down beside him, stretching her legs out in front of her and feeling her muscles pull a little. “You look better than before.”
“It’s getting easier,” she says with a shrug, and she doesn’t know if she means the running, or.
“Look Sam, I just wanted to say sorry about the other day,” she continues when he doesn’t say anything, and he glances up at her, a little surprised. “It’s just-” she cuts off and laughs this weird not-funny laugh as she glances down at her knees, “I guess that I forgot what it’s like having a friend. Or being a friend.” She squints up at him for just a second, gauging his reaction.
“You don’t have to-” he starts to say, and he actually looks sort of alarmed now but she just pushes on because if she doesn’t say it then she never will.
“And even though you’ve still got the biggest lips I’ve ever seen and I’m kind of afraid that you might unhinge your jaw and eat me one day, I-I’d like to be friends,” she shrugs, waiting for him to say something, and he just looks incredulous for a moment before he starts to laugh.
“You’re the weirdest friend I ever had, Santana,” he says, and she just shrugs, feeling a smile tug at her lips.
“I like you too, Sammy,” she says, and watches him laugh harder.
+
When she gets out of the shower later, her abuela is there for dinner, and she tuts when she sees her come padding in in cotton pajamas with her wet hair trailing down your back.
“This is how you spend your summer?” she says when Santana comes over to kiss her cheek. “You’re supposed to be out with your friends! Not ready for bed at 7pm. You’re still young, Santana, don’t let it go to waste.”
“I’m good, abuela,” she says, and it’s the first time in however long she’s come close to meaning it.
“She’s been out with Sam today,” her mom calls through from the kitchen and Santana watches her abuela’s eyes light up.
“We’re just friends,” Santana says quickly, and she still stumbles a little over the word. Her abuela looks sceptical for a moment, and Santana’s isn’t sure what makes her say it but she says, “Really, abuela. We’re not dating, and we never will, okay?” It’s as close as she’s ever come to telling someone other than Brittany, and even though she doesn’t tell her why, she feels relief that she managed to get the words out at all. She swallows and waits for her abuela to say something.
“Friendship is an important foundation for a relationship,” her abuela says, and Santana can’t help but think of Brittany and hopes it doesn’t show on her face. “As long as you have that there is always hope.” She smiles kindly, and Santana wants to shout that she doesn’t need the hope because Sam is just her friend and will always be just her friend but all she can see in her head is Brittany so she just smiles in a way that doesn’t really reach her eyes, until her abuela gives her knee a squeeze and climbs off the sofa to go help her mom in the kitchen.
+
That night, she reaches for her phone as she climbs into bed and stares at it for a moment before her fingers tap over the screen.
goodnight britty xx she types, and the reply comes back almost at once.
goodnight bb. sweet dreams! xxxx
She smiles at her phone and falls asleep dreaming of Brittany. She wakes up in the night, confused as to why she isn’t there beside her. She rolls onto the side of the bed Brittany always used to sleep on and wraps her arms around the pillow as she presses her face into it, imagining that it still smells of Brittany’s perfume as she pulls it closer and wishes it could hold her back.
+
A couple of days later, Sam skypes her to ask if she’ll give him and his comics a ride again, and she types back do i look like ur chauffeur quickly, rolling her eyes even though he can’t see.
yes, he types back, then, i got some more stuff to sell to artie. i can’t carry it all. pls?
She fidgets for a second, staring at Artie’s name. do i have to she sends back, just to give herself some more time, and wonders if she could maybe drop him at the end of the street or something and avoid the situation all together. She knows he knows about her and Brittany, and wonders what he’d say if she turned up on his doorstep with Sam like nothing had happened.
She’s not an asshole, she knows that what she and Brittany did when Brittany was with Artie was wrong, and knows that Brittany knows it too, but it had been easy to forget because at least it meant she got Brittany for a little while even if Artie had her in all the ways it mattered, like at school and at the movies where people could see.
santana???
She stares at her name for a second and then sighs out heavily in the silence of her room, okay she says, and hopes she hasn’t made a mistake.
+
She pulls up outside the motel an hour and a half later, after she’d spent twenty minutes talking herself into it in the mirror in her room which is so pathetic she doesn’t even want to think about it, and watches him come running out of his room with another box of comics in his arms as his mom shouts something at him from the doorway.
He puts the box on the backseat and then climbs into the passenger seat, and offers her a grimace as his mom shouts something again, only they can’t tell what it is over the noise of the engine.
“What’s up with your mom?” Santana asks, and Sam shrugs, looking away as she pulls out of the lot.
“She wants me to sell all of my comics, and there’s some I was holding on to until I, like, had to sell them,” he shrugs like it’s no big deal, but after a moment he says, “I know it’s selfish...” and then trails off and she glances across at him with a shake of her head.
He sees it and nods down at his lap where he’s twisting his hands into fists and letting them go. “Sorry, we don’t have to talk about it.” He swallows and looks up from his hands, “Have you spoken to Brittany?”
“Yeah, she’s having fun in the sun,” she says, and catches him smile out of the corner of her eye.
“I bet she’s like super tan right now,” he says, and she grins for half a second imagine the way Brittany looks in a bikini in the summer, before she catches herself and manages to stop.
“She sent me a picture from the pool,” she says after a moment and she’s not sure if she’s imagining it but Sam’s grin turns into a smirk for just a second.
“Cool,” he says innocently, and Santana frowns and then laughs a little when his expression doesn’t change, unsure if he’s mocking her or not.
+
Sam gets out first when they get to Artie’s and Santana twists her hands around the wheel for a minute and takes a deep breath before she follows him.
“You don’t have to come with me,” Sam says when he sees the look on her face, and she looks away, scuffing her foot against the sidewalk.
“I’ll give you a ride back afterwards,” is what she says and Sam stares at her all confused before he heads for Artie’s door and she follows a couple of steps behind. She doesn’t tell him that part of her has to do this, and that she feels like whatever Artie says to her is probably deserved, just clutches her keys in her hand and waits behind him for the door to open.
“Hey man,” Artie says when he sees him, and then Santana steps out from behind Sam and a weird expression flashes over his features for a moment, somewhere between pissed off and alarmed and he says, “Santana?” his eyes flashing to Sam like he’ll explain.
“Santana gave me a ride over, it’s cool if she comes in, right?” Sam says with his happy boy scout smile, and takes a step closer so Artie has to roll backwards a little.
“Um,” he says at the same time Santana says, “I can just wait in the car,” with a shrug like she isn’t bothered by the way Artie’s looking at her, and Sam looks between them in confusion.
“Come on, Artie,” Sam says, jostling his way past him, “I bought the rest of the Marvel stuff,” and in the end, Artie shrugs at her and rolls after Sam without closing the door, so Santana can follow if she wants to.
She takes another breath before she follows them inside and shuts the door, trailing after the boys as they head further into the house and towards a room at the back that quickly reveals itself to be Artie’s bedroom, even though it’s on the ground floor. She tries not to look at the rails fixed into the wall by his bed, and how there isn’t a chair by the desk, just an empty space big enough for him to wheel himself into, and her breath hitches in her throat a little when she sees the bed, because she knows that Brittany has been here with him, and that’s more than she can stand.
Artie catches her staring and his eyes narrow but he doesn’t say anything, and Santana’s never been more grateful for Sam, who drops the box he’s carrying on the bed and gestures at it, drawing Artie’s gaze. “I bought the rest of the Marvel stuff I had, and there’s some other stuff in there too. Cover price, and it’s yours.” It sounds like it actually pains him to say that part, and he steps back when Artie rolls over to search through the box and pull stuff out that he wants.
Sam peers over his shoulder at what he’s got while Santana shifts from foot to foot by the door, wishing she’d stayed in the car. She has no idea what she was thinking, coming here, and she just wants to leave.
It feels like forever before Sam says, “That’s all you want?” with disappointment in his voice.
“Sorry, man,” Artie says, flipping through the box one last time before pulling out a thicker looking book and holding it up, “These are chick comics though, or DC.”
“I have all of 52! That’s worth taking a chance on DC, right?” Sam says sort of desperately, and Santana’s only half following, but she watches Artie drop the book he was holding back into the box and shake his head with a shrug, rolling over to his desk to get his wallet and shove some money at Sam.
“Thanks,” Sam says listlessly, and tucks the money into his pocket carefully, like he’s afraid he might lose it. “You’re sure you don’t want anymore of these?”
Artie just shakes his head and Santana relaxes a little, thankful that they can finally go. “Thanks again, man. C’mon, Santana. We’ll get out of your hair.” Sam says and picks up the mostly empty box and heads for the door, and Santana’s taken half a step to follow him when Artie speaks behind her.
“How’s Brittany?” he says, and there’s an edge in his voice she doesn’t think she’s ever heard before.
“She’s in New Mexico,” she says, turning round to face him uncomfortably. “She left when school finished.”
Artie twists his hands round the grips on his wheels for a second before he says, “Are you and she-”
“Artie,” Santana cuts him off and he exhales noisily and looks away, and he looks angrier now than he did before.
“God, Santana, you’re such an idiot,” he says, and she just stares at him, confused. “She loves you,” he says, “You get that right?”
“I-”
“Don’t,” he snaps, pushing his glasses up his nose, frustration evident in his movement. “It was always you, even when she was with me.”
They stare at each other for a second, Artie angry and defiant, Santana twisting her hands together nervously. She wants to tell him to shut up about things he doesn’t understand but can’t find the words, because she just keeps thinking there must have been a reason Brittany stayed with him and ignores the part of her mind telling her there was a reason why she left too.
She’s angry at everything; at herself and her stupid fears, and the fact that Artie of all people is sitting there telling her what she should be doing, and at the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes the same way they do whenever she gets so frustrated she doesn’t know what to do.
“I don’t-” she starts to say, and then Sam reappears behind her with a confused expression on his face, asking why she isn’t following him, and she huffs out a breath and pushes past him towards the front door without looking back.
+
Santana’s quiet on the car ride back to Sam’s motel, and it’s only when they pull into the parking lot and Santana sits staring at the wheel that Sam asks, “Are you okay?” quietly.
Santana opens her mouth but no words come out, and when she finally looks up and over at him, biting her lip to try to stop it from trembling as the first tear starts to fall, he just pulls her into his arms and holds her until she stops shaking without asking what’s wrong.
She doesn’t know how long she stays there but she feels guilty about that too, like she doesn’t have any right to take comfort from him but she can’t make herself pull away. He has one arm around her and one arm on the back of her head, and he feels so solid against her that she lets him hold her like that until her tears dry and her breathing goes back to normal, and then she pushes herself away and rubs at her face self-consciously while he pointedly looks the other way and waits for her to say something.
“Thanks,” she says once she trusts herself to speak, and Sam nods, giving her a nudge on her shoulder with his fist, and she huffs out a laugh and looks down into her lap while he grins.
“You’ll be okay getting home?” he asks as his hand hovers on the door handle.
“Yeah, I’m good,” Santana says, and it’s the first time in however long that she’s actually meant it.
Sam grins his stupid boy scout grin as he climbs out and then reaches into the backseat to get his comics, “My mom’s gonna be pissed I didn’t get rid of these yet,” he mutters sadly and Santana suddenly gets an idea.
“I’ll take them,” she says, and Sam’s eyes snap around to stare at her. “I can give you money if you need it. I could just, like, rent them until you get back on your feet and can buy them back. I have like $40 in my purse.”
“Do you know how much comics cost,” is all he says, and Santana laughs trying to peer into the box.
“You can’t have many left,” she says, trying to see and he angles the box better so she can.
“52 has 52 issues, Santana. That’s why it’s called 52. $3 a comic makes it, what? $150?”
Santana’s eyes bug out of her head, “$150 for comics?” she says, as Sam rolls his eyes.
Santana just huffs and searches through her purse for a minute, “46.24,” she says, “Take it or leave it.” She holds the cash out to him, pennies included, and waves it from side to side.
Sam glances back towards the door of his room and into the box again, “Ugh, just take them, but you owe me,” he says with a sigh.
“I’ll take care of them,” she smiles sweetly, and watches him glance into the box one final time before he slams the door.
+
When she gets home, she pulls her phone out and texts Brittany without stopping to think about it, her fingers tapping out the message quickly, i can’t wait for you to come home. i miss you so much :( xxx
It’s barely five minutes before Brittany’s reply comes through, :( don’t be sad! i’ll b back soon xxx. She’s just smiling at the message when her phone vibrates in her hand again, +stop frowning!! ur too pretty to frown :) xxxxx
She sinks down on to her bed to read the message again, smiling wider than she has all summer, before she hits reply.
+
She doesn’t even look in the box Sam gave her for two days, just drops it under her desk and forgets about it completely, and it’s only when she drops an earring and crouches down to retrieve it that she sees it again. She doesn’t know what makes her pull the box out into the light or what make her pull out a random issue of 52 and flick through it, but she stops when she sees two women kissing with a larger picture underneath of them snuggled up on a couch.
She just blinks at it, dumbfounded, and then flicks back a few pages looking for more pictures of the two of them, because she had no idea this kind of thing existed in comics, or at least, not in some way that wasn’t hideously offensive.
She reaches for another issue at random when she’s gone through the first, and gasps a little when she realises one of the women is Batgirl or Batwoman or Batsomebody, and the other is some kind of superhero as well, and then she glances at the door as though to check she’s definitely alone before she reaches for issue one.
+
She definitely did not spend an entire afternoon reading comic books, and she definitely absolutely did not spend an entire afternoon falling in love with a fictional character, but when Sam sends her a message on skype later asking what she’s up to, she types, u asshole why didn’t u tell me about renee montoya before and waits for his reply.
wait, u read the comics??? he says and she rolls her eyes.
yeah that’s the important part here, she sends back. She’s willing to bet almost anything that Sam is laughing at her right now.
Skype chirps, and the message just says, nerd.
asshole, she types with a grin.
+
She texts Brittany back more often than she doesn’t now, so they end up texting all kinds of boring things that they’re doing without talking about it, in a way that Santana actually loves because it feels like they’re starting to share things things with each other in this weirdly significant way that she doesn’t know how to explain even though Brittany is just telling her what she had for lunch.
It’s only when Brittany texts to ask if she’s heard from Quinn because she’s texted her a couple of times and she hasn’t replied that Santana remembers that she still hasn’t heard from her either.
i’m sure she’s ok x, she sends back, only she’s not entirely sure she believes it.
+
The next time she goes out for a run she heads for Quinn’s house, because she hasn’t been able to shake the feeling of worry in the pit of her stomach, and she runs faster and faster the closer she gets so she has to double over when she gets there and pant to get her breath back.
She walks up to Quinn’s door and knocks, and it feels like forever until the door opens to Quinn’s mom blinking at her. She pulls her hood down and smiles brightly, “Hi Mrs Fabray, is Quinn home?” she says, and hopes she won’t question why she’s coming around now when she hasn’t been here in so long.
“She’s not here,” she says, her eyes sad, and Santana blinks, surprised.
“Oh,” she says, “Do you know when she’ll be back?”
Quinn’s mom just shakes her head, and Santana’s even more confused now than before. “Well can you tell her I’ll call her?” she asks, and Quinn’s mom nods before she shuts the door.
She jogs back to her house slowly, feeling the sick, worrying feeling in her stomach intensify. She tries to call Quinn when she gets home, and again after she gets out of the shower but there’s no answer, and in the end she just leaves a voicemail that says, “Hey Q, give me a call when you get this so we can get coffee or something,” in this falsely bright voice that doesn’t quite disguise the worry she feels.
+
“Again?” her mom says, when she tells her she’s going to help Sam babysit his little brother and sister, and Santana just nods.
“He’s my friend, mom,” she says, crossing her arms across her chest. “And they outnumber him.”
Her mom just looks at him for a minute, and Santana meets her gaze steadily, waiting for her to ask the question she knows she will. “Are you two dating again? Because I don’t know how I feel about you spending all day in his motel room.”
“Mom,” Santana says, feeling the heat rise into her cheeks. “He’s my friend,” she stresses the word a little harder than she probably has to. “And that’s all he’ll ever be. I was... confused before when we dated, but I’m not anymore, okay?”
She’s never come closer to admitting the truth, and she stands there defiantly, waiting for her mom to say something. It’s not what she expects.
“Okay,” her mom says, and she gives her arm a squeeze as she walks past her, smiling warmly. “ I think it’s nice that you have a friend.”
“Mom,” Santana says again, gaping a little because the last time she checked she wasn’t in kindergarten anymore, and her mom just laughs as she disappears out the door.
+
Sam’s sitting on the patch of grass by the parking lot with his computer on his knees while Stacy and Stevie run around chasing each other when she gets there, and she comes over to sink down next to him and give him a nudge with her shoulder.
“Hey,” he says, looking up from his screen and flashing a grin, and she just smiles back. They sit in silence for a while, Santana settling with her head against his legs as she stretches out and sunbathes and watches the kids, and it’s a while before Sam says, “Can you keep an eye on them if I go get them a juicebox or something?” and she nods, grumbling when he stands and dislodges her.
He sets his laptop down next to her without bothering to close the lid, and she wouldn’t even look at it except for the fact that his Skype notification goes off before he comes back. She rolls onto her belly and nudges the trackpad to get the screen to light up, and then glances at it, seeing the message from Mike and making a note to tell Sam when he comes back. She’s about to close her eyes and go back to sunbathing when she catches sight of her name in his contact list, and she doesn’t know what makes her think of it, but her eyes flick up to the top of the list, where it says artie a!, before her eyes scan back down to her name so much further down.
When Sam gets back she shoves the laptop over to him and tells him that Mike is after him, and waits for him to read the message and reply before she says, “So you were looking for Artie at the start of the summer, huh?” and he looks confused for a minute, while she sneaks glances at him. “When you skyped me, you were looking for Artie.”
He glances at his screen and she’s not sure if she imagines it, but a faint blush colours his cheeks, “Yeah,” he says, only it doesn’t sound quite like the truth.
“Okay,” she says, and settles a little more comfortably against him.
After a second, he huffs and tries to move, but she catches onto his hand and pulls him back. “Do I look like your pillow,” he says, and she just laughs and leans on him more heavily.
+
There’s only four days until Brittany comes home, and she keeps texting Santana every couple of hours to say exactly how many minutes it is until they’ll see each other again. It’s kind of cute, especially because Santana’s actually starting to expect the messages now but Brittany still finds ways to surprise her, like how she texts a picture of herself holding up three fingers and grinning dorkily when there are three days left just before Santana goes to bed and Santana texts her a picture back of her bed that says i’ll just sleep until you get here xxx without giving her time to think about it, and then grins and blushes when Brittany sends back i wish i was there already xxxx.
She thinks she gets it now, because Brittany just seems to be Brittany and she just seems to be Santana, and it isn’t hard to reply to messages when she remembers that. Sam laughs every time her phone vibrates with a message from Brittany and teases her every time he sees the smile on her face, but it doesn’t matter that it’s Brittany texting her and not some guy, because Sam never treats her any differently, even if she’s never told him why she grins the way she does.
(He probably sees it on her face.)
She taps the screen quickly and sends Brittany one last message before she pulls her glasses off and sets them down on the night stand with her phone, i wish you were here too xxxx
+
Sam comes over the next day, and shifts nervously when she opens the door, a package tucked under his arm and his eyes downcast.
“What’s wrong?” she says immediately, as she steps aside to let him in.
“My dad got a job,” he says, only he doesn’t sound happy about it all.
“That’s awesome?” Santana says, confused, and watches him shuffle on his feet a little.
“It’s in Kentucky,” he says after a moment, and then looks at her so helplessly she doesn’t know what to do.
“Kentucky,” she echoes, and he just nods sadly.
“We leave tomorrow. We’re going to stay with my Aunt and get settled.”
Santana feels like the ground has suddenly gone uneven under her feet, and she didn’t know just how much he meant to her until this moment, when he’s standing in her hallway looking as sad as she’s ever seen him. He’s the only good thing she’s had this summer, and she doesn’t really want to imagine the rest of it without him, just the thought of it making her eyes sting with unshed tears.
“I’ll miss you,” she says, because it’s the only thing she can think to, and he sniffs and nods before taking a step forward and pulling her into a hug. She hugs him back tightly, her fingers digging into his back, and when he steps back and pushes the package into her hands she stares down at it in confusion for a second.
“I wanted you to have those,” he says, and takes a step towards the door, “I have to go help my parents pack up what we have left, so.”
“Let me give you my number,” Santana says quickly, reaching for his hand and a pen from the table by the door. “So you can call me when you get there, okay?”
Sam smiles down at his hand and the numbers she writes on it, flipping his hand over to squeeze her fingers before he lets go. “It’ll be the first thing I do,” she says, and she believes him too.
“Take care, Sammy,” she mumbles, blinking furiously against the tears in her eyes, and he turns at the door to smile this sad smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.
“You too, Santana,” he says earnestly, and ducks through the door.
+
She doesn’t tell Brittany that Sam’s leaving, but she thinks her sadness must creep into her text messages because after a while Brittany sends a message that says, whats wrong honey??? xxx, and Santana searches for the words to tell her.
When she does, feeling stupid because she doesn’t quite know how to explain exactly what Sam’s come to mean to her this summer, Brittany just texts back, I’m rly sorry :( i’ll hug it all better the day after tomorrow xxx and even that doesn’t seem to help.
+
It’s not until the next day that she pulls the books Sam gave her out of the newspaper he’d wrapped them in and stares at the covers, wondering what they are. There are four volumes of something called Strangers In Paradise, and she flicks through the pages before going back to the beginning and reading a few pages.
It’s a lot different to the superhero stuff she read before, but she figures out why he gave it to her soon enough when Katchoo starts to look at Francine the same way she thinks she maybe looked at Brittany for the last few months.
She keeps reading it, burning through the pocket books quickly because she has nothing better to do, and that night, when Sam calls from Kentucky to say he’s fine, she doesn’t bother to say hello, just says, “Where the hell are the next two volumes you asshole? Francine turned Katchoo down at the wedding and got married to Brad!” and Sam laughs for so long that he eventually starts gasping for breath and tells her that he missed her too.
+
She knows she shouldn’t but her feet carry her to Sam’s motel when she goes running that night, but she can’t stand the way the lights are off and the room is so obviously empty, so she just keeps running, further than she’s gone before without caring, so she does a big loop past Quinn’s house too, Quinns bedroom window dark once again. She squeezes her eyes shut as she runs past and tries to block it out, hating the sight of the dark room staring down at her and wishing she knew how to make it better.
Her route home takes her past Brittany’s house, and she can’t stand the dark windows there too, only she knows they’ll be full of light tomorrow when Brittany and her family get home, and the thought consoles her, somehow, even though it doesn’t help her with missing Sam or make her worry about Quinn any less.
She tries to block it all out and concentrates on her feet hitting the pavement and the sound of her own breathing in her ears, and it doesn’t feel like long before she gets home, the lights bright in her windows, and collapses on her porch, breathing hard as she waits for her heartbeat to return to normal.
+
Brittany texts her with updates about how close they are to Lima, and Santana answers each one quickly, feeling the nerves in the bottom of her stomach. She keeps getting changed and staring at herself in the mirror, even though she’s not entirely sure if she’s going to see Brittany tonight or if she’ll have to wait until tomorrow.
She nearly trips over Sam’s box of comics, and then panics a little, wondering what Brittany would think if she saw her with them and stuffs them in the back of her closet, dropping an old dress over the top of them for good measure.
She feels like she has all this energy, and she goes for her run early and showers before she gets changed again, only it doesn’t really help. All she can think is that Brittany will be back soon, which means Brittany could be in her arms soon, or maybe she’d be kissing her soon, and even though she knows they shouldn’t she thinks that maybe they could and it would be okay.
She thinks she knows how to make it okay, now.
She goes downstairs to get a sandwich for lunch, and her mom peers at her over the top of the newspaper she’s reading for a long moment before she asks if she’s okay.
“Brittany’s home today,” Santana says, trying to keep some of the excitement out of her voice, and watches her mom just about fail to stop herself from rolling her eyes.
+
Brittany calls at exactly 5.04pm and all she says when Santana answers is, “Open your window.”
She takes a breath before she shoves her window up and sticks her head out to see, and sure enough there’s Brittany grinning up at her, much more tanned than before, her blonde hair a little lighter, and even from up here she can see the freckles across the bridge of Brittany’s nose, the ones she always gets in the summer, and feels her breath hitch in her throat.
“Hey,” Brittany calls, dropping her phone from her ear, and Santana mimics her, tossing her phone onto her dresser blindly.
“Hi,” she says, and she doesn’t think she’s ever smiled so hard in her life.
“I’ll come down,” Santana calls and almost runs through her house and down the stairs, pulling the front door open without bothering to put her shoes on.
Brittany takes two steps to meet her and wraps her arms around her, holding them close together as Santana presses her face into her hair. “I missed you,” she mumbles and Brittany hears her and squeezes her a little tighter.
“I missed you too,” she says and pulls back to grin at her, perfect and beautiful and Brittany, right there in her front yard.
They grin at each other, for a minute, both of them smiling wide and easy, and Brittany reaches over to tangle their pinky fingers together and give it a tug and Santana thinks her grin gets even bigger.
She knows they're not there yet, but they're getting closer, and she just breathes for a moment, taking it all in.
“So do you want to hang out,” she says and holds her breath until Brittany bites her lip and nods, and lets herself be pulled inside.
Characters: Santana, (Brittany/Santana, Sam/Santana)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Brittany goes away with her parents for the first month of the summer, and Santana finds a friend she wasn’t expecting.
Sam’s brother and sister actually aren’t that much of a pain, and they end up all sitting on the bed watching cartoons that Sam had downloaded onto Kurt’s laptop, Sam on one side with the two kids between them and Santana on the other, Stacy’s feet kicked over her lap. Sam keeps glancing at her and smiling over the top of the kids’ heads and after a while Santana starts to smile back despite herself, and okay, this isn’t the worst way to spend an afternoon.
Sam queues up a bunch of episodes so they don’t have to move when one ends, and Stevie and Stacy stare at the screen happily, and even Santana gets into it, snorting under her breath at some of the jokes that go over the kids heads, Sam catching her eye and smirking every time she does.
“I don’t think they should be watching this,” she mouths to him a few episodes later, under the cover of Stevie’s laughter, and Sam actually looks surprised that she’s that concerned.
“I didn’t know you cared,” he whispers back and she just folds her arms over her chest and huffs, staring at the screen again until he gets the hint and goes back to watching too.
It’s only later when she hisses, “Okay, but they just made a joke about how that kid jacks off to a piece of that pink girl’s hair,” that he reaches to clamp a hand over her mouth before his brother and sister hear her, bumping past them both in the process. They both spin round to look at them, owl eyed and Santana pulls Sam’s hand away.
“Look the vampire chick is singing,” she says, and they give her one last look before they go back to watching the show.
Sam just glares at her and she shrugs, pushing him back onto his own side of the bed. “This show is messed up,” she whispers, and doesn’t wait for him to reply.
+
It’s only when they get to the end of the season that Santana realises how long she’s been there and stretches her legs, trying to get the kinks out as she shifts to the edge of the bed. “I should go home,” she says, and Sam nods, untangling himself from his brother and following her to the door.
“So,” she says at the same time he says, “Thanks for helping out,” and they just stare at each other, waiting for the other one to say something.
“This wasn’t a date or anything,” she says, because she doesn’t think it’s just the lighting in here that’s making his eyes look soft, and watches his eyes bug out in alarm.
“Of course it wasn’t,” he says and he actually looks offended, like he’s bothered that she thought he thought it was. She feels herself blush a little and rolls her eyes.
“I’m just saying now I’m not with Karofsky, I don’t want to get back with you,” and she doesn’t know what makes her say it but he just shakes his head and gives her a nudge towards the door.
“Obviously,” is all he says, voice a little bit sad, as he closes the door behind her.
+
She feels like crap all the way home, and she can’t shake the feeling that she’s blown the only good thing she has going on right now, and then she feels even worse because Sam Evans is the only good thing she has and they’re not even really friends.
“Did you have a good time?” her mom asks when she gets home, which makes it all worse, and she just grunts a non-committal answer and retreats to her room.
She sinks on to her bed and kicks her shoes off, running a hand through her hair while her stomach twists with guilt, and then she crosses the room to her computer and waits for it to turn on. Sam isn’t online when Skype opens but Quinn is, and after a second’s hesitation she types hey q, sorry i missed ur calls and then tries to think of an excuse that doesn’t involve Brittany.
She waits for a reply, and after a moment it says that Quinn is typing, and she feels something like relief flood her stomach.
Her phone buzzes against the desk while she waits for Quinn’s reply, and she opens the message from Brittany quickly, hey bb i’m taking ash and my cousin to the pool today. wish you were here to share my lounger :) x
She stares at it for a second before she texts back sounds like fun :) and she looks up just in time to see the quinn is typing message disappear. No more words appear, and after a second the little indicator to show that she’s online disappears too.
“Shit,” she mutters, and snaps the lid of her computer shut a little harder than she has to.
+
She’s asleep when Brittany calls and wakes her up, and she reaches for her phone blindly and hits answer without really stopping to consider it.
“Hey,” Brittany says, “Did I wake you up?”
“Um, yeah,” Santana mumbles, rubbing a hand over her face to try force the tiredness away. “Different time zone, Britt.”
“I’m sorry,” Brittany says, and sounds like she means it too. “I just wanted to hear your voice, and everyone finally went to bed and left me alone, so.”
“Are you-are you having a good time?” Santana asks after a moment, trying to ignore the hopeful part of her that sits up at Brittany’s words.
“It’d be better if you were here,” Brittany says, and Santana can hear the pout in her voice. She tries to ignore it. “Do you miss me too?”
Santana wants to say of course she does, but she just about manages a strangled, “Yes,” her voice coming out hoarse.
“I’ll be back soon,” Brittany says once she’s realised Santana isn’t going to say anything else. “It’s won’t be much longer.”
It’s two and a half weeks, Santana wants to say, it might as well be all the time in the world.
“Have you been having fun without me?” Brittany asks, trying to keep the moment light, and Santana wants to say no, but.
“I’ve been hanging out with Sam,” she says hesitantly, wondering how Brittany will interpret that.
“Cool,” Brittany says immediately, “I’m glad he has a friend right now,” only it doesn’t sound like she’s just talking about Sam.
“Yeah,” Santana says softly, and she’s glad Brittany can’t see the way she buries her head a little further into her pillow.
+
She stays in her room for most of the day checking Skype kind of obsessively, but Sam and Quinn aren’t there, and she flicks through the college brochures half heartedly, wishing she had more of an idea of what it was she wanted to do with the rest of her life.
Whenever she used to think about the future she used to see Brittany and her together, because she always thought somewhere in the back of her head that if they could just make it out of high school and this stupid town then everything would be easier in college and she wouldn’t have to feel so scared all of the time, only things didn’t work out that way and even though she still sees Brittany she doesn’t see herself anymore and doesn’t know where she fits in.
Her phone buzzes and she wishes she’d just sang the damn duet all those months ago and laughed it all off, and then it buzzes again and she hates herself for the thought because even though this is harder and awful and she doesn’t know if things are going to work out it has to be better than before because otherwise why bother?
At least she feels like she can breathe sometimes, the way she never could before, even if it looks like everything is closing in on her some days and she just doesn’t know what to do.
(The message from Brittany just says hi! xxxx and she smiles at it and lets herself breathe for just a moment before she hits reply.)
+
She takes the route to Sam’s motel when she goes for a run later and finds him sitting on the little patch of grass by the parking lot, flicking through a pitifully small stack of comic books and sorting them into piles with a look of determination look on his face.
She comes to a stop and jogs over to him, tugging her earphones out and dropping them around her neck as he looks up and spots her.
“Hey,” he says, as she sinks down beside him, stretching her legs out in front of her and feeling her muscles pull a little. “You look better than before.”
“It’s getting easier,” she says with a shrug, and she doesn’t know if she means the running, or.
“Look Sam, I just wanted to say sorry about the other day,” she continues when he doesn’t say anything, and he glances up at her, a little surprised. “It’s just-” she cuts off and laughs this weird not-funny laugh as she glances down at her knees, “I guess that I forgot what it’s like having a friend. Or being a friend.” She squints up at him for just a second, gauging his reaction.
“You don’t have to-” he starts to say, and he actually looks sort of alarmed now but she just pushes on because if she doesn’t say it then she never will.
“And even though you’ve still got the biggest lips I’ve ever seen and I’m kind of afraid that you might unhinge your jaw and eat me one day, I-I’d like to be friends,” she shrugs, waiting for him to say something, and he just looks incredulous for a moment before he starts to laugh.
“You’re the weirdest friend I ever had, Santana,” he says, and she just shrugs, feeling a smile tug at her lips.
“I like you too, Sammy,” she says, and watches him laugh harder.
+
When she gets out of the shower later, her abuela is there for dinner, and she tuts when she sees her come padding in in cotton pajamas with her wet hair trailing down your back.
“This is how you spend your summer?” she says when Santana comes over to kiss her cheek. “You’re supposed to be out with your friends! Not ready for bed at 7pm. You’re still young, Santana, don’t let it go to waste.”
“I’m good, abuela,” she says, and it’s the first time in however long she’s come close to meaning it.
“She’s been out with Sam today,” her mom calls through from the kitchen and Santana watches her abuela’s eyes light up.
“We’re just friends,” Santana says quickly, and she still stumbles a little over the word. Her abuela looks sceptical for a moment, and Santana’s isn’t sure what makes her say it but she says, “Really, abuela. We’re not dating, and we never will, okay?” It’s as close as she’s ever come to telling someone other than Brittany, and even though she doesn’t tell her why, she feels relief that she managed to get the words out at all. She swallows and waits for her abuela to say something.
“Friendship is an important foundation for a relationship,” her abuela says, and Santana can’t help but think of Brittany and hopes it doesn’t show on her face. “As long as you have that there is always hope.” She smiles kindly, and Santana wants to shout that she doesn’t need the hope because Sam is just her friend and will always be just her friend but all she can see in her head is Brittany so she just smiles in a way that doesn’t really reach her eyes, until her abuela gives her knee a squeeze and climbs off the sofa to go help her mom in the kitchen.
+
That night, she reaches for her phone as she climbs into bed and stares at it for a moment before her fingers tap over the screen.
goodnight britty xx she types, and the reply comes back almost at once.
goodnight bb. sweet dreams! xxxx
She smiles at her phone and falls asleep dreaming of Brittany. She wakes up in the night, confused as to why she isn’t there beside her. She rolls onto the side of the bed Brittany always used to sleep on and wraps her arms around the pillow as she presses her face into it, imagining that it still smells of Brittany’s perfume as she pulls it closer and wishes it could hold her back.
+
A couple of days later, Sam skypes her to ask if she’ll give him and his comics a ride again, and she types back do i look like ur chauffeur quickly, rolling her eyes even though he can’t see.
yes, he types back, then, i got some more stuff to sell to artie. i can’t carry it all. pls?
She fidgets for a second, staring at Artie’s name. do i have to she sends back, just to give herself some more time, and wonders if she could maybe drop him at the end of the street or something and avoid the situation all together. She knows he knows about her and Brittany, and wonders what he’d say if she turned up on his doorstep with Sam like nothing had happened.
She’s not an asshole, she knows that what she and Brittany did when Brittany was with Artie was wrong, and knows that Brittany knows it too, but it had been easy to forget because at least it meant she got Brittany for a little while even if Artie had her in all the ways it mattered, like at school and at the movies where people could see.
santana???
She stares at her name for a second and then sighs out heavily in the silence of her room, okay she says, and hopes she hasn’t made a mistake.
+
She pulls up outside the motel an hour and a half later, after she’d spent twenty minutes talking herself into it in the mirror in her room which is so pathetic she doesn’t even want to think about it, and watches him come running out of his room with another box of comics in his arms as his mom shouts something at him from the doorway.
He puts the box on the backseat and then climbs into the passenger seat, and offers her a grimace as his mom shouts something again, only they can’t tell what it is over the noise of the engine.
“What’s up with your mom?” Santana asks, and Sam shrugs, looking away as she pulls out of the lot.
“She wants me to sell all of my comics, and there’s some I was holding on to until I, like, had to sell them,” he shrugs like it’s no big deal, but after a moment he says, “I know it’s selfish...” and then trails off and she glances across at him with a shake of her head.
He sees it and nods down at his lap where he’s twisting his hands into fists and letting them go. “Sorry, we don’t have to talk about it.” He swallows and looks up from his hands, “Have you spoken to Brittany?”
“Yeah, she’s having fun in the sun,” she says, and catches him smile out of the corner of her eye.
“I bet she’s like super tan right now,” he says, and she grins for half a second imagine the way Brittany looks in a bikini in the summer, before she catches herself and manages to stop.
“She sent me a picture from the pool,” she says after a moment and she’s not sure if she’s imagining it but Sam’s grin turns into a smirk for just a second.
“Cool,” he says innocently, and Santana frowns and then laughs a little when his expression doesn’t change, unsure if he’s mocking her or not.
+
Sam gets out first when they get to Artie’s and Santana twists her hands around the wheel for a minute and takes a deep breath before she follows him.
“You don’t have to come with me,” Sam says when he sees the look on her face, and she looks away, scuffing her foot against the sidewalk.
“I’ll give you a ride back afterwards,” is what she says and Sam stares at her all confused before he heads for Artie’s door and she follows a couple of steps behind. She doesn’t tell him that part of her has to do this, and that she feels like whatever Artie says to her is probably deserved, just clutches her keys in her hand and waits behind him for the door to open.
“Hey man,” Artie says when he sees him, and then Santana steps out from behind Sam and a weird expression flashes over his features for a moment, somewhere between pissed off and alarmed and he says, “Santana?” his eyes flashing to Sam like he’ll explain.
“Santana gave me a ride over, it’s cool if she comes in, right?” Sam says with his happy boy scout smile, and takes a step closer so Artie has to roll backwards a little.
“Um,” he says at the same time Santana says, “I can just wait in the car,” with a shrug like she isn’t bothered by the way Artie’s looking at her, and Sam looks between them in confusion.
“Come on, Artie,” Sam says, jostling his way past him, “I bought the rest of the Marvel stuff,” and in the end, Artie shrugs at her and rolls after Sam without closing the door, so Santana can follow if she wants to.
She takes another breath before she follows them inside and shuts the door, trailing after the boys as they head further into the house and towards a room at the back that quickly reveals itself to be Artie’s bedroom, even though it’s on the ground floor. She tries not to look at the rails fixed into the wall by his bed, and how there isn’t a chair by the desk, just an empty space big enough for him to wheel himself into, and her breath hitches in her throat a little when she sees the bed, because she knows that Brittany has been here with him, and that’s more than she can stand.
Artie catches her staring and his eyes narrow but he doesn’t say anything, and Santana’s never been more grateful for Sam, who drops the box he’s carrying on the bed and gestures at it, drawing Artie’s gaze. “I bought the rest of the Marvel stuff I had, and there’s some other stuff in there too. Cover price, and it’s yours.” It sounds like it actually pains him to say that part, and he steps back when Artie rolls over to search through the box and pull stuff out that he wants.
Sam peers over his shoulder at what he’s got while Santana shifts from foot to foot by the door, wishing she’d stayed in the car. She has no idea what she was thinking, coming here, and she just wants to leave.
It feels like forever before Sam says, “That’s all you want?” with disappointment in his voice.
“Sorry, man,” Artie says, flipping through the box one last time before pulling out a thicker looking book and holding it up, “These are chick comics though, or DC.”
“I have all of 52! That’s worth taking a chance on DC, right?” Sam says sort of desperately, and Santana’s only half following, but she watches Artie drop the book he was holding back into the box and shake his head with a shrug, rolling over to his desk to get his wallet and shove some money at Sam.
“Thanks,” Sam says listlessly, and tucks the money into his pocket carefully, like he’s afraid he might lose it. “You’re sure you don’t want anymore of these?”
Artie just shakes his head and Santana relaxes a little, thankful that they can finally go. “Thanks again, man. C’mon, Santana. We’ll get out of your hair.” Sam says and picks up the mostly empty box and heads for the door, and Santana’s taken half a step to follow him when Artie speaks behind her.
“How’s Brittany?” he says, and there’s an edge in his voice she doesn’t think she’s ever heard before.
“She’s in New Mexico,” she says, turning round to face him uncomfortably. “She left when school finished.”
Artie twists his hands round the grips on his wheels for a second before he says, “Are you and she-”
“Artie,” Santana cuts him off and he exhales noisily and looks away, and he looks angrier now than he did before.
“God, Santana, you’re such an idiot,” he says, and she just stares at him, confused. “She loves you,” he says, “You get that right?”
“I-”
“Don’t,” he snaps, pushing his glasses up his nose, frustration evident in his movement. “It was always you, even when she was with me.”
They stare at each other for a second, Artie angry and defiant, Santana twisting her hands together nervously. She wants to tell him to shut up about things he doesn’t understand but can’t find the words, because she just keeps thinking there must have been a reason Brittany stayed with him and ignores the part of her mind telling her there was a reason why she left too.
She’s angry at everything; at herself and her stupid fears, and the fact that Artie of all people is sitting there telling her what she should be doing, and at the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes the same way they do whenever she gets so frustrated she doesn’t know what to do.
“I don’t-” she starts to say, and then Sam reappears behind her with a confused expression on his face, asking why she isn’t following him, and she huffs out a breath and pushes past him towards the front door without looking back.
+
Santana’s quiet on the car ride back to Sam’s motel, and it’s only when they pull into the parking lot and Santana sits staring at the wheel that Sam asks, “Are you okay?” quietly.
Santana opens her mouth but no words come out, and when she finally looks up and over at him, biting her lip to try to stop it from trembling as the first tear starts to fall, he just pulls her into his arms and holds her until she stops shaking without asking what’s wrong.
She doesn’t know how long she stays there but she feels guilty about that too, like she doesn’t have any right to take comfort from him but she can’t make herself pull away. He has one arm around her and one arm on the back of her head, and he feels so solid against her that she lets him hold her like that until her tears dry and her breathing goes back to normal, and then she pushes herself away and rubs at her face self-consciously while he pointedly looks the other way and waits for her to say something.
“Thanks,” she says once she trusts herself to speak, and Sam nods, giving her a nudge on her shoulder with his fist, and she huffs out a laugh and looks down into her lap while he grins.
“You’ll be okay getting home?” he asks as his hand hovers on the door handle.
“Yeah, I’m good,” Santana says, and it’s the first time in however long that she’s actually meant it.
Sam grins his stupid boy scout grin as he climbs out and then reaches into the backseat to get his comics, “My mom’s gonna be pissed I didn’t get rid of these yet,” he mutters sadly and Santana suddenly gets an idea.
“I’ll take them,” she says, and Sam’s eyes snap around to stare at her. “I can give you money if you need it. I could just, like, rent them until you get back on your feet and can buy them back. I have like $40 in my purse.”
“Do you know how much comics cost,” is all he says, and Santana laughs trying to peer into the box.
“You can’t have many left,” she says, trying to see and he angles the box better so she can.
“52 has 52 issues, Santana. That’s why it’s called 52. $3 a comic makes it, what? $150?”
Santana’s eyes bug out of her head, “$150 for comics?” she says, as Sam rolls his eyes.
Santana just huffs and searches through her purse for a minute, “46.24,” she says, “Take it or leave it.” She holds the cash out to him, pennies included, and waves it from side to side.
Sam glances back towards the door of his room and into the box again, “Ugh, just take them, but you owe me,” he says with a sigh.
“I’ll take care of them,” she smiles sweetly, and watches him glance into the box one final time before he slams the door.
+
When she gets home, she pulls her phone out and texts Brittany without stopping to think about it, her fingers tapping out the message quickly, i can’t wait for you to come home. i miss you so much :( xxx
It’s barely five minutes before Brittany’s reply comes through, :( don’t be sad! i’ll b back soon xxx. She’s just smiling at the message when her phone vibrates in her hand again, +stop frowning!! ur too pretty to frown :) xxxxx
She sinks down on to her bed to read the message again, smiling wider than she has all summer, before she hits reply.
+
She doesn’t even look in the box Sam gave her for two days, just drops it under her desk and forgets about it completely, and it’s only when she drops an earring and crouches down to retrieve it that she sees it again. She doesn’t know what makes her pull the box out into the light or what make her pull out a random issue of 52 and flick through it, but she stops when she sees two women kissing with a larger picture underneath of them snuggled up on a couch.
She just blinks at it, dumbfounded, and then flicks back a few pages looking for more pictures of the two of them, because she had no idea this kind of thing existed in comics, or at least, not in some way that wasn’t hideously offensive.
She reaches for another issue at random when she’s gone through the first, and gasps a little when she realises one of the women is Batgirl or Batwoman or Batsomebody, and the other is some kind of superhero as well, and then she glances at the door as though to check she’s definitely alone before she reaches for issue one.
+
She definitely did not spend an entire afternoon reading comic books, and she definitely absolutely did not spend an entire afternoon falling in love with a fictional character, but when Sam sends her a message on skype later asking what she’s up to, she types, u asshole why didn’t u tell me about renee montoya before and waits for his reply.
wait, u read the comics??? he says and she rolls her eyes.
yeah that’s the important part here, she sends back. She’s willing to bet almost anything that Sam is laughing at her right now.
Skype chirps, and the message just says, nerd.
asshole, she types with a grin.
+
She texts Brittany back more often than she doesn’t now, so they end up texting all kinds of boring things that they’re doing without talking about it, in a way that Santana actually loves because it feels like they’re starting to share things things with each other in this weirdly significant way that she doesn’t know how to explain even though Brittany is just telling her what she had for lunch.
It’s only when Brittany texts to ask if she’s heard from Quinn because she’s texted her a couple of times and she hasn’t replied that Santana remembers that she still hasn’t heard from her either.
i’m sure she’s ok x, she sends back, only she’s not entirely sure she believes it.
+
The next time she goes out for a run she heads for Quinn’s house, because she hasn’t been able to shake the feeling of worry in the pit of her stomach, and she runs faster and faster the closer she gets so she has to double over when she gets there and pant to get her breath back.
She walks up to Quinn’s door and knocks, and it feels like forever until the door opens to Quinn’s mom blinking at her. She pulls her hood down and smiles brightly, “Hi Mrs Fabray, is Quinn home?” she says, and hopes she won’t question why she’s coming around now when she hasn’t been here in so long.
“She’s not here,” she says, her eyes sad, and Santana blinks, surprised.
“Oh,” she says, “Do you know when she’ll be back?”
Quinn’s mom just shakes her head, and Santana’s even more confused now than before. “Well can you tell her I’ll call her?” she asks, and Quinn’s mom nods before she shuts the door.
She jogs back to her house slowly, feeling the sick, worrying feeling in her stomach intensify. She tries to call Quinn when she gets home, and again after she gets out of the shower but there’s no answer, and in the end she just leaves a voicemail that says, “Hey Q, give me a call when you get this so we can get coffee or something,” in this falsely bright voice that doesn’t quite disguise the worry she feels.
+
“Again?” her mom says, when she tells her she’s going to help Sam babysit his little brother and sister, and Santana just nods.
“He’s my friend, mom,” she says, crossing her arms across her chest. “And they outnumber him.”
Her mom just looks at him for a minute, and Santana meets her gaze steadily, waiting for her to ask the question she knows she will. “Are you two dating again? Because I don’t know how I feel about you spending all day in his motel room.”
“Mom,” Santana says, feeling the heat rise into her cheeks. “He’s my friend,” she stresses the word a little harder than she probably has to. “And that’s all he’ll ever be. I was... confused before when we dated, but I’m not anymore, okay?”
She’s never come closer to admitting the truth, and she stands there defiantly, waiting for her mom to say something. It’s not what she expects.
“Okay,” her mom says, and she gives her arm a squeeze as she walks past her, smiling warmly. “ I think it’s nice that you have a friend.”
“Mom,” Santana says again, gaping a little because the last time she checked she wasn’t in kindergarten anymore, and her mom just laughs as she disappears out the door.
+
Sam’s sitting on the patch of grass by the parking lot with his computer on his knees while Stacy and Stevie run around chasing each other when she gets there, and she comes over to sink down next to him and give him a nudge with her shoulder.
“Hey,” he says, looking up from his screen and flashing a grin, and she just smiles back. They sit in silence for a while, Santana settling with her head against his legs as she stretches out and sunbathes and watches the kids, and it’s a while before Sam says, “Can you keep an eye on them if I go get them a juicebox or something?” and she nods, grumbling when he stands and dislodges her.
He sets his laptop down next to her without bothering to close the lid, and she wouldn’t even look at it except for the fact that his Skype notification goes off before he comes back. She rolls onto her belly and nudges the trackpad to get the screen to light up, and then glances at it, seeing the message from Mike and making a note to tell Sam when he comes back. She’s about to close her eyes and go back to sunbathing when she catches sight of her name in his contact list, and she doesn’t know what makes her think of it, but her eyes flick up to the top of the list, where it says artie a!, before her eyes scan back down to her name so much further down.
When Sam gets back she shoves the laptop over to him and tells him that Mike is after him, and waits for him to read the message and reply before she says, “So you were looking for Artie at the start of the summer, huh?” and he looks confused for a minute, while she sneaks glances at him. “When you skyped me, you were looking for Artie.”
He glances at his screen and she’s not sure if she imagines it, but a faint blush colours his cheeks, “Yeah,” he says, only it doesn’t sound quite like the truth.
“Okay,” she says, and settles a little more comfortably against him.
After a second, he huffs and tries to move, but she catches onto his hand and pulls him back. “Do I look like your pillow,” he says, and she just laughs and leans on him more heavily.
+
There’s only four days until Brittany comes home, and she keeps texting Santana every couple of hours to say exactly how many minutes it is until they’ll see each other again. It’s kind of cute, especially because Santana’s actually starting to expect the messages now but Brittany still finds ways to surprise her, like how she texts a picture of herself holding up three fingers and grinning dorkily when there are three days left just before Santana goes to bed and Santana texts her a picture back of her bed that says i’ll just sleep until you get here xxx without giving her time to think about it, and then grins and blushes when Brittany sends back i wish i was there already xxxx.
She thinks she gets it now, because Brittany just seems to be Brittany and she just seems to be Santana, and it isn’t hard to reply to messages when she remembers that. Sam laughs every time her phone vibrates with a message from Brittany and teases her every time he sees the smile on her face, but it doesn’t matter that it’s Brittany texting her and not some guy, because Sam never treats her any differently, even if she’s never told him why she grins the way she does.
(He probably sees it on her face.)
She taps the screen quickly and sends Brittany one last message before she pulls her glasses off and sets them down on the night stand with her phone, i wish you were here too xxxx
+
Sam comes over the next day, and shifts nervously when she opens the door, a package tucked under his arm and his eyes downcast.
“What’s wrong?” she says immediately, as she steps aside to let him in.
“My dad got a job,” he says, only he doesn’t sound happy about it all.
“That’s awesome?” Santana says, confused, and watches him shuffle on his feet a little.
“It’s in Kentucky,” he says after a moment, and then looks at her so helplessly she doesn’t know what to do.
“Kentucky,” she echoes, and he just nods sadly.
“We leave tomorrow. We’re going to stay with my Aunt and get settled.”
Santana feels like the ground has suddenly gone uneven under her feet, and she didn’t know just how much he meant to her until this moment, when he’s standing in her hallway looking as sad as she’s ever seen him. He’s the only good thing she’s had this summer, and she doesn’t really want to imagine the rest of it without him, just the thought of it making her eyes sting with unshed tears.
“I’ll miss you,” she says, because it’s the only thing she can think to, and he sniffs and nods before taking a step forward and pulling her into a hug. She hugs him back tightly, her fingers digging into his back, and when he steps back and pushes the package into her hands she stares down at it in confusion for a second.
“I wanted you to have those,” he says, and takes a step towards the door, “I have to go help my parents pack up what we have left, so.”
“Let me give you my number,” Santana says quickly, reaching for his hand and a pen from the table by the door. “So you can call me when you get there, okay?”
Sam smiles down at his hand and the numbers she writes on it, flipping his hand over to squeeze her fingers before he lets go. “It’ll be the first thing I do,” she says, and she believes him too.
“Take care, Sammy,” she mumbles, blinking furiously against the tears in her eyes, and he turns at the door to smile this sad smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.
“You too, Santana,” he says earnestly, and ducks through the door.
+
She doesn’t tell Brittany that Sam’s leaving, but she thinks her sadness must creep into her text messages because after a while Brittany sends a message that says, whats wrong honey??? xxx, and Santana searches for the words to tell her.
When she does, feeling stupid because she doesn’t quite know how to explain exactly what Sam’s come to mean to her this summer, Brittany just texts back, I’m rly sorry :( i’ll hug it all better the day after tomorrow xxx and even that doesn’t seem to help.
+
It’s not until the next day that she pulls the books Sam gave her out of the newspaper he’d wrapped them in and stares at the covers, wondering what they are. There are four volumes of something called Strangers In Paradise, and she flicks through the pages before going back to the beginning and reading a few pages.
It’s a lot different to the superhero stuff she read before, but she figures out why he gave it to her soon enough when Katchoo starts to look at Francine the same way she thinks she maybe looked at Brittany for the last few months.
She keeps reading it, burning through the pocket books quickly because she has nothing better to do, and that night, when Sam calls from Kentucky to say he’s fine, she doesn’t bother to say hello, just says, “Where the hell are the next two volumes you asshole? Francine turned Katchoo down at the wedding and got married to Brad!” and Sam laughs for so long that he eventually starts gasping for breath and tells her that he missed her too.
+
She knows she shouldn’t but her feet carry her to Sam’s motel when she goes running that night, but she can’t stand the way the lights are off and the room is so obviously empty, so she just keeps running, further than she’s gone before without caring, so she does a big loop past Quinn’s house too, Quinns bedroom window dark once again. She squeezes her eyes shut as she runs past and tries to block it out, hating the sight of the dark room staring down at her and wishing she knew how to make it better.
Her route home takes her past Brittany’s house, and she can’t stand the dark windows there too, only she knows they’ll be full of light tomorrow when Brittany and her family get home, and the thought consoles her, somehow, even though it doesn’t help her with missing Sam or make her worry about Quinn any less.
She tries to block it all out and concentrates on her feet hitting the pavement and the sound of her own breathing in her ears, and it doesn’t feel like long before she gets home, the lights bright in her windows, and collapses on her porch, breathing hard as she waits for her heartbeat to return to normal.
+
Brittany texts her with updates about how close they are to Lima, and Santana answers each one quickly, feeling the nerves in the bottom of her stomach. She keeps getting changed and staring at herself in the mirror, even though she’s not entirely sure if she’s going to see Brittany tonight or if she’ll have to wait until tomorrow.
She nearly trips over Sam’s box of comics, and then panics a little, wondering what Brittany would think if she saw her with them and stuffs them in the back of her closet, dropping an old dress over the top of them for good measure.
She feels like she has all this energy, and she goes for her run early and showers before she gets changed again, only it doesn’t really help. All she can think is that Brittany will be back soon, which means Brittany could be in her arms soon, or maybe she’d be kissing her soon, and even though she knows they shouldn’t she thinks that maybe they could and it would be okay.
She thinks she knows how to make it okay, now.
She goes downstairs to get a sandwich for lunch, and her mom peers at her over the top of the newspaper she’s reading for a long moment before she asks if she’s okay.
“Brittany’s home today,” Santana says, trying to keep some of the excitement out of her voice, and watches her mom just about fail to stop herself from rolling her eyes.
+
Brittany calls at exactly 5.04pm and all she says when Santana answers is, “Open your window.”
She takes a breath before she shoves her window up and sticks her head out to see, and sure enough there’s Brittany grinning up at her, much more tanned than before, her blonde hair a little lighter, and even from up here she can see the freckles across the bridge of Brittany’s nose, the ones she always gets in the summer, and feels her breath hitch in her throat.
“Hey,” Brittany calls, dropping her phone from her ear, and Santana mimics her, tossing her phone onto her dresser blindly.
“Hi,” she says, and she doesn’t think she’s ever smiled so hard in her life.
“I’ll come down,” Santana calls and almost runs through her house and down the stairs, pulling the front door open without bothering to put her shoes on.
Brittany takes two steps to meet her and wraps her arms around her, holding them close together as Santana presses her face into her hair. “I missed you,” she mumbles and Brittany hears her and squeezes her a little tighter.
“I missed you too,” she says and pulls back to grin at her, perfect and beautiful and Brittany, right there in her front yard.
They grin at each other, for a minute, both of them smiling wide and easy, and Brittany reaches over to tangle their pinky fingers together and give it a tug and Santana thinks her grin gets even bigger.
She knows they're not there yet, but they're getting closer, and she just breathes for a moment, taking it all in.
“So do you want to hang out,” she says and holds her breath until Brittany bites her lip and nods, and lets herself be pulled inside.