Fic: i-80 west, part five c (Brittany/Santana, R)
Title: i-80 west, part five c
Characters: Brittany/Santana (w/ Quinn, Sam)
Length: 20k
Rating: R
Summary: Brittany and Santana graduate high school and spend one last summer in Lima before leaving for college.
It’s seven hours to Salt Lake, only it feels more like a hundred, and she gets more and more upset the longer she thinks about the ring and Brittany handing it back like it means nothing.
She forgets the part about how it had meant nothing, just ten minutes before.
She sort of knows that she’s being irrational but she can’t seem to make the thought stick, no matter how many times she thinks it, and she feels her stomach churn the longer she thinks about what happened, from the guy to the ring and back again, wondering what made Brittany say it in the first place.
For the third time in her life she feels like she isn’t good enough, and she answers the few questions Brittany asks her in gruff, terse sentences because she can’t bring herself to say anything else, until Brittany turns to stare at her, wondering what’s wrong.
Santana keeps her eyes on the road and turns the music up, until Brittany gives up and shifts round to look out the window instead, frown tugging at her features.
She’s getting better at asking for what she wants but she doesn’t know how to ask for this.
+
She’s starting to think that the mountains are worse than the fucking fields.
+
She thinks that Brittany nods off again as they’re crossing Wyoming, but she doesn’t mind, content enough to be alone with her thoughts as they pass town after town, wondering where all the cities went.
It seems to go on forever, the same way Iowa went on forever, and she keeps glancing at her GPS, wondering why the time remaining doesn’t seem to be going down as fast as she’d like.
They’re nearly at the border and into Utah when she gets to the tunnel at Evanston and she thinks she must make some kind of noise because Brittany wakes up with a sleepy sounding, “What’s wrong?” and then sits up a little straighter in her seat as she takes in the rapidly approaching hole in the mountain in front of them.
Brittany whistles out a breath, low and impressed sounding, and Santana’s glad she does because she thinks it covers the whimper she makes in the back of her throat.
“I wonder how long it goes on for?” Brittany asks, and Santana can hear the excitement in her voice, wondering at how the hell it got there.
“Too long,” Santana mutters under her breath and waits for it to swallow them whole.
+
Brittany reaches for her hand when they’ve been inside for a minute or so, glancing at her with soft eyes and the kind of expression that mean she’s being stupid as she laces their fingers together.
Brittany squeezes her hand and Santana squeezes back, and it’s not until they’re out the other side that Santana remembers about the ring, and then she lets go, bringing her hand back up to grip the wheel as the road starts to curve away from them.
+
There is something worse than mountains and fields and tunnels as it turns out, and that thing is canyons.
She’s never driven anywhere like this before and Brittany’s jaw drops next to her as she reaches for her camera and twists the lens cap off quickly. She follows the bends in the road carefully, slowing down more than she probably needs to as she swallows nervously, hearing Brittany gasp as they turn corners and reveal some new rock formation, pretty in a weird sort of way.
Brittany keeps taking pictures as Santana gets more and more anxious, feeling her stomach drop every time the road twists, and she wants to ask Brittany to stop because even though she doesn’t have the flash on the sound is distracting, and she does not need to be distracted right now.
She feels like she should be dizzy with the way the road turns, and she doesn’t feel like they’re going in the same direction they were a moment ago, like the road’s turned them round so completely that they’re no longer going west but heading south or maybe back east instead.
She glances at her GPS more than once, even though the rational part of her brain knows there’s no way they could have been turned around because they’re still on i-80 west, no matter how many times it twists.
Brittany drops the lens cap she’s been holding into the cupholder along with her ring, and the noise jolts her from her thoughts. Santana squeezes her hands around the steering wheel, so hard that her knuckles turn white, as she swallows the words that try to force their way out.
+
“Ow, Jesus,” Santana mutters through gritted teeth. It feels like her ears are trying to remove themselves from her skull, like there’s all the pressure in the world bearing down on them, and she opens and closes her jaw hoping it will help.
Brittany turns to look at her and reaches into her pocket to pull out a packet of gum, plucking a stick from the shredded paper and offering it to Santana across the console wordlessly.
Santana doesn’t want to take it, but her ears give a sharp throb, and she figures she should take the hint.
She doesn’t say thank you, and Brittany looks at her for a long moment before she goes back to taking pictures.
+
As if canyons and tunnels and mountains weren’t bad enough they drive through a stretch of road covered with construction, so that they have to slow down and inch along behind the other cars, praying that it will end.
Brittany peers out the window like there’s something worth looking at, but Santana keeps her eyes on the road, feeling what’s left of her patience rapidly start to run out.
+
She sees the deer jump out into the road in her rearview mirror, and keeps stealing glances, watching the car behind her slam on its breaks and narrowly avoid missing it. She had no idea she had to add deer onto the list of hazards and she wonders briefly why they ever thought driving to California was a good idea.
She feels like her heart is in her throat every time they round a corner, and she hates the fluttery anxious feeling in the pit of her stomach, the way her breathing is just a little too shallow so it never feels like she’s getting enough air.
“I think we’re nearly out the other side,” Brittany says, like that’ll calm her down and Santana just nods and concentrates on the road.
+
She never thought she’d be so happy to see fields again, and she breathes out a sigh of relief as everything starts to turn a little bit greener, the mountains off in the distance suddenly looking a lot prettier now she knows she doesn’t have to drive through them.
+
She follows her GPS to the motel without really seeing anything, just glad that they’ve found a city at last and a road that behaves the way a road should, without construction or deer or tunnels. She keeps hearing Brittany gasp and snap more pictures, but she feels so suddenly tired that she can’t even see anything past the road, all the adrenaline from the canyons leaving her so quickly it feels like she’s gone hollow.
She picked out the motel months ago and she practically has the route memorised anyway, so that it doesn’t feel like long until she’s pulling into the parking lot and turning the engine off, hands still gripping the wheel as tight as they can.
Brittany looks at her for a full minute before reaching over and pulling her hands away with a little half laugh, like she isn’t sure if that should be funny or not.
She still can’t bring herself to find something to say, so she pulls the keys from the ignition and reaches for the door handle instead, waiting for Brittany to follow her lead, which she does, after half a second’s delay.
“I’ll get the bags,” she says quietly when Santana remains silent, and Santana nods, waiting for her to follow as she heads for the front desk.
She checks in on autopilot, the motel blurring into the one in Lexington and the one in Davenport, and she’s half sure the man who takes their money has the features of people she’s seen before, like there’s some standard way all motel employees look, only that’s ridiculous and she pushes the thought away. She nods silent confirmation to his questions or shakes her head no, Brittany shifting a little on her feet next to sneaking glances out of the corners of her eyes like she’s starting to realise something’s wrong.
She’s pretty sure she’s been running on adrenaline for the last few hours and now that it’s over she just wants to collapse and sleep for a week, ignoring the ring and college and the rest of the journey they still have to take.
She shakes her head to clear it and takes the key he offers her, heading off in the direction he points without waiting to see if Brittany is following.
“Hey, wait up,” Brittany laughs, and Santana hears her jog to catch up. “Wait!” Brittany says again, reaching for her hand as they climb the stairs, but Santana side steps her, quickening her pace so that they can get to their room.
As soon as the door’s open she drops her bag and flops onto the bed, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. She hears Brittany go into the bathroom and closes her eyes against the suddenly too bright fluorescent motel lights.
She wishes the room was dark enough to hide in, dark enough that Brittany would just let her sleep. She pulls her glasses off and drops them onto the little table next to the bed, squeezing her eyes shut again and willing herself to fall asleep.
“Do you want to go out to eat?” Brittany asks when she comes back, sitting at the edge of the bed and reaching a hand out to stroke against her back.
Santana scrunches herself up smaller and shakes her head. “Not hungry,” she says. She holds herself perfectly still, waiting to see what Brittany will do next..
“Well, wanna come with me to get something?” Brittany says after a moment, hand still warm on her back.
Santana rolls away a little and shakes her head again. “I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.”
Brittany’s silent for a long moment and then she says, “Are you okay? Did the mountains freak you out?”
Santana shakes her head again. “I’m just tired,” she says and hopes Brittany will believe it.
“Well you shouldn’t sleep in your clothes,” Brittany says and Santana feels her hand finally move from her back. “I’m gonna go find a vending machine, I’ll be back in a second.”
She hears the door open and close.
+
She’s still in exactly the same position when she comes back, only Santana keeps her eyes shut and pretends to be asleep, and she hears Brittany lock the door and then crunch her way through a bag of whatever she got out of the vending machine, though she doesn’t sit on the bed.
“San?” she says after Santana’s heard her go into the bathroom and come out again, presumably to change into her sleep clothes though she hasn’t seen her do it. “Are you awake?”
She doesn’t say anything, and after another moment Brittany turns out the light and crawls into bed next to her. She doesn’t kiss her or hug her or try to touch her in any way, and Santana lies awake for a long time after she hears Brittany’s breathing even out, wondering what’s she’s done.
+
She wakes up to sun streaming through the blinds and the dull ache of hunger in her stomach, and she rolls onto her back and stretches, trying to get the kinks out from sleeping screwed up in a ball. It takes her a moment to realise she’s alone in the bed, and then she opens her eyes and blinks a couple of times, wondering where Brittany could be.
She rubs the sleep from her eyes and climbs out of bed, climbing to her feet slowly and stretching again as she reaches her full height, rolling her shoulders out until she feels like they’re about to pop.
“Britt?” she calls, expecting an answer from the bathroom, and when she doesn’t get one she blinks and crosses the room quickly, her stomach tightening at the sight of the open bathroom door.
Brittany isn’t there, and she turns back to the bed stupidly, like she might be there even though she wasn’t a moment before.
She isn’t.
She spins slowly, eyes taking in every surface, the panic rising up her throat until she feels like she wants to scream. She swallows it back and bites her lip, so hard she’s sure she’s going to draw blood, and it takes her brain a long time to catch on to what her eyes are telling her.
Brittany isn’t there.
Part Six
Characters: Brittany/Santana (w/ Quinn, Sam)
Length: 20k
Rating: R
Summary: Brittany and Santana graduate high school and spend one last summer in Lima before leaving for college.
It’s seven hours to Salt Lake, only it feels more like a hundred, and she gets more and more upset the longer she thinks about the ring and Brittany handing it back like it means nothing.
She forgets the part about how it had meant nothing, just ten minutes before.
She sort of knows that she’s being irrational but she can’t seem to make the thought stick, no matter how many times she thinks it, and she feels her stomach churn the longer she thinks about what happened, from the guy to the ring and back again, wondering what made Brittany say it in the first place.
For the third time in her life she feels like she isn’t good enough, and she answers the few questions Brittany asks her in gruff, terse sentences because she can’t bring herself to say anything else, until Brittany turns to stare at her, wondering what’s wrong.
Santana keeps her eyes on the road and turns the music up, until Brittany gives up and shifts round to look out the window instead, frown tugging at her features.
She’s getting better at asking for what she wants but she doesn’t know how to ask for this.
+
She’s starting to think that the mountains are worse than the fucking fields.
+
She thinks that Brittany nods off again as they’re crossing Wyoming, but she doesn’t mind, content enough to be alone with her thoughts as they pass town after town, wondering where all the cities went.
It seems to go on forever, the same way Iowa went on forever, and she keeps glancing at her GPS, wondering why the time remaining doesn’t seem to be going down as fast as she’d like.
They’re nearly at the border and into Utah when she gets to the tunnel at Evanston and she thinks she must make some kind of noise because Brittany wakes up with a sleepy sounding, “What’s wrong?” and then sits up a little straighter in her seat as she takes in the rapidly approaching hole in the mountain in front of them.
Brittany whistles out a breath, low and impressed sounding, and Santana’s glad she does because she thinks it covers the whimper she makes in the back of her throat.
“I wonder how long it goes on for?” Brittany asks, and Santana can hear the excitement in her voice, wondering at how the hell it got there.
“Too long,” Santana mutters under her breath and waits for it to swallow them whole.
+
Brittany reaches for her hand when they’ve been inside for a minute or so, glancing at her with soft eyes and the kind of expression that mean she’s being stupid as she laces their fingers together.
Brittany squeezes her hand and Santana squeezes back, and it’s not until they’re out the other side that Santana remembers about the ring, and then she lets go, bringing her hand back up to grip the wheel as the road starts to curve away from them.
+
There is something worse than mountains and fields and tunnels as it turns out, and that thing is canyons.
She’s never driven anywhere like this before and Brittany’s jaw drops next to her as she reaches for her camera and twists the lens cap off quickly. She follows the bends in the road carefully, slowing down more than she probably needs to as she swallows nervously, hearing Brittany gasp as they turn corners and reveal some new rock formation, pretty in a weird sort of way.
Brittany keeps taking pictures as Santana gets more and more anxious, feeling her stomach drop every time the road twists, and she wants to ask Brittany to stop because even though she doesn’t have the flash on the sound is distracting, and she does not need to be distracted right now.
She feels like she should be dizzy with the way the road turns, and she doesn’t feel like they’re going in the same direction they were a moment ago, like the road’s turned them round so completely that they’re no longer going west but heading south or maybe back east instead.
She glances at her GPS more than once, even though the rational part of her brain knows there’s no way they could have been turned around because they’re still on i-80 west, no matter how many times it twists.
Brittany drops the lens cap she’s been holding into the cupholder along with her ring, and the noise jolts her from her thoughts. Santana squeezes her hands around the steering wheel, so hard that her knuckles turn white, as she swallows the words that try to force their way out.
+
“Ow, Jesus,” Santana mutters through gritted teeth. It feels like her ears are trying to remove themselves from her skull, like there’s all the pressure in the world bearing down on them, and she opens and closes her jaw hoping it will help.
Brittany turns to look at her and reaches into her pocket to pull out a packet of gum, plucking a stick from the shredded paper and offering it to Santana across the console wordlessly.
Santana doesn’t want to take it, but her ears give a sharp throb, and she figures she should take the hint.
She doesn’t say thank you, and Brittany looks at her for a long moment before she goes back to taking pictures.
+
As if canyons and tunnels and mountains weren’t bad enough they drive through a stretch of road covered with construction, so that they have to slow down and inch along behind the other cars, praying that it will end.
Brittany peers out the window like there’s something worth looking at, but Santana keeps her eyes on the road, feeling what’s left of her patience rapidly start to run out.
+
She sees the deer jump out into the road in her rearview mirror, and keeps stealing glances, watching the car behind her slam on its breaks and narrowly avoid missing it. She had no idea she had to add deer onto the list of hazards and she wonders briefly why they ever thought driving to California was a good idea.
She feels like her heart is in her throat every time they round a corner, and she hates the fluttery anxious feeling in the pit of her stomach, the way her breathing is just a little too shallow so it never feels like she’s getting enough air.
“I think we’re nearly out the other side,” Brittany says, like that’ll calm her down and Santana just nods and concentrates on the road.
+
She never thought she’d be so happy to see fields again, and she breathes out a sigh of relief as everything starts to turn a little bit greener, the mountains off in the distance suddenly looking a lot prettier now she knows she doesn’t have to drive through them.
+
She follows her GPS to the motel without really seeing anything, just glad that they’ve found a city at last and a road that behaves the way a road should, without construction or deer or tunnels. She keeps hearing Brittany gasp and snap more pictures, but she feels so suddenly tired that she can’t even see anything past the road, all the adrenaline from the canyons leaving her so quickly it feels like she’s gone hollow.
She picked out the motel months ago and she practically has the route memorised anyway, so that it doesn’t feel like long until she’s pulling into the parking lot and turning the engine off, hands still gripping the wheel as tight as they can.
Brittany looks at her for a full minute before reaching over and pulling her hands away with a little half laugh, like she isn’t sure if that should be funny or not.
She still can’t bring herself to find something to say, so she pulls the keys from the ignition and reaches for the door handle instead, waiting for Brittany to follow her lead, which she does, after half a second’s delay.
“I’ll get the bags,” she says quietly when Santana remains silent, and Santana nods, waiting for her to follow as she heads for the front desk.
She checks in on autopilot, the motel blurring into the one in Lexington and the one in Davenport, and she’s half sure the man who takes their money has the features of people she’s seen before, like there’s some standard way all motel employees look, only that’s ridiculous and she pushes the thought away. She nods silent confirmation to his questions or shakes her head no, Brittany shifting a little on her feet next to sneaking glances out of the corners of her eyes like she’s starting to realise something’s wrong.
She’s pretty sure she’s been running on adrenaline for the last few hours and now that it’s over she just wants to collapse and sleep for a week, ignoring the ring and college and the rest of the journey they still have to take.
She shakes her head to clear it and takes the key he offers her, heading off in the direction he points without waiting to see if Brittany is following.
“Hey, wait up,” Brittany laughs, and Santana hears her jog to catch up. “Wait!” Brittany says again, reaching for her hand as they climb the stairs, but Santana side steps her, quickening her pace so that they can get to their room.
As soon as the door’s open she drops her bag and flops onto the bed, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. She hears Brittany go into the bathroom and closes her eyes against the suddenly too bright fluorescent motel lights.
She wishes the room was dark enough to hide in, dark enough that Brittany would just let her sleep. She pulls her glasses off and drops them onto the little table next to the bed, squeezing her eyes shut again and willing herself to fall asleep.
“Do you want to go out to eat?” Brittany asks when she comes back, sitting at the edge of the bed and reaching a hand out to stroke against her back.
Santana scrunches herself up smaller and shakes her head. “Not hungry,” she says. She holds herself perfectly still, waiting to see what Brittany will do next..
“Well, wanna come with me to get something?” Brittany says after a moment, hand still warm on her back.
Santana rolls away a little and shakes her head again. “I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.”
Brittany’s silent for a long moment and then she says, “Are you okay? Did the mountains freak you out?”
Santana shakes her head again. “I’m just tired,” she says and hopes Brittany will believe it.
“Well you shouldn’t sleep in your clothes,” Brittany says and Santana feels her hand finally move from her back. “I’m gonna go find a vending machine, I’ll be back in a second.”
She hears the door open and close.
+
She’s still in exactly the same position when she comes back, only Santana keeps her eyes shut and pretends to be asleep, and she hears Brittany lock the door and then crunch her way through a bag of whatever she got out of the vending machine, though she doesn’t sit on the bed.
“San?” she says after Santana’s heard her go into the bathroom and come out again, presumably to change into her sleep clothes though she hasn’t seen her do it. “Are you awake?”
She doesn’t say anything, and after another moment Brittany turns out the light and crawls into bed next to her. She doesn’t kiss her or hug her or try to touch her in any way, and Santana lies awake for a long time after she hears Brittany’s breathing even out, wondering what’s she’s done.
+
She wakes up to sun streaming through the blinds and the dull ache of hunger in her stomach, and she rolls onto her back and stretches, trying to get the kinks out from sleeping screwed up in a ball. It takes her a moment to realise she’s alone in the bed, and then she opens her eyes and blinks a couple of times, wondering where Brittany could be.
She rubs the sleep from her eyes and climbs out of bed, climbing to her feet slowly and stretching again as she reaches her full height, rolling her shoulders out until she feels like they’re about to pop.
“Britt?” she calls, expecting an answer from the bathroom, and when she doesn’t get one she blinks and crosses the room quickly, her stomach tightening at the sight of the open bathroom door.
Brittany isn’t there, and she turns back to the bed stupidly, like she might be there even though she wasn’t a moment before.
She isn’t.
She spins slowly, eyes taking in every surface, the panic rising up her throat until she feels like she wants to scream. She swallows it back and bites her lip, so hard she’s sure she’s going to draw blood, and it takes her brain a long time to catch on to what her eyes are telling her.
Brittany isn’t there.
Part Six