Fic: Dark (Brittany/Santana, R)
Title: Dark
Pairing: Santana/Brittany
Rating: R, for suggested sexyteims.
Summary: Santana whispers her secrets to the dark, and lately all she’s been whispering is Brittany, Brittany, Brittany.
Spoilers: Up to Sexy.
Word Count: ~7000
Author’s Note: Starts pre-season one, finishes at Nationals but I don’t read spoilers so anything after Sexy is vague and unlikely to be canon.
Ever since she was little, Santana has whispered her secrets to the dark. It started with innocent things - I didn’t eat my broccoli, I pushed Tommy at recess - but recently the only thing she’s been whispering is Brittany Brittany Brittany. Every night she goes to her room, turns off the light and whispers I love Brittany before she falls asleep. It’s like draining an infection from a wound, only it’s not at all because Brittany isn’t an infection. She’s the opposite of an infection because if Brittany ever went away she thinks she’d die, and not in a romantic broken hearted way but in a lashing out at everyone until there was no one left to keep her from self destructing way. She’s like that sometimes on the rare occasions when they’re not speaking, and she knows everyone pretends not to notice.
Still, she has to get rid of Brittany every night before she sleeps so she can face everyone at school, so she can turn up with her mean girl armour in place and be the bitch they expect her to be. She knows everyone has tightly defined roles in high school and hers does not include lesbian or bisexual or in love with a girl or whatever. So she whispers her feelings to the dark.
The first time she kisses someone, it’s Brittany and it’s unexpected. They’re walking home from school discussing the scandal of the day - their friend Quinn had started dating a high school boy - and they come to a stop outside Brittany’s house to carry on their conversation. One minute they’re laughing about the stupid boys in their grade and wondering why they’d ever want to kiss them, and the next Brittany asks if Santana has ever been kissed and after Santana rolls her eyes and says no Brittany presses her lips against Santana’s chastely before running inside.
It takes Santana a full minute to recover, and that night when she goes home she whispers her first secret about Brittany - She kissed me - and falls asleep with a smile on her face.
The first time they made out was also the first time Santana’s parents went away for the weekend and let her stay home alone. She doesn’t need to ask if Brittany can stay over, it’s just assumed by all involved that she will. They spend the night in her parents’ bed watching movies and eating popcorn and snuggling closer and closer together while pretending they don’t notice. Eventually they decide to go to sleep and Santana turns the light off and tucks herself against Brittany’s side in the darkness. After a few moments Brittany rolls on to her side and Santana can feel her friend’s breath tickling her face.
It’s safe in the dark, and somehow over the course of the evening this has become their secret so Santana screws up her courage and leans forward to kiss Brittany. It’s clumsy at first with so little light to see by, but after a moment Brittany’s hand comes up to the side of Santana’s face and guides their lips together again.
In the morning they keep the blinds closed and every room is dark and safe. They get flour everywhere making pancakes but Santana doesn’t even care because Brittany kisses her again while they’re waiting for them to cook and they almost burn while they’re distracted. They’re saved by the phone ringing and when Santana hears her mom’s voice on the end of the line she suddenly feels sick in the pit of her stomach and can’t look Brittany in the eye. An hour later the kitchen is spotless and they’re sitting on opposite ends of the couch with a space that feels as big as a football field between them.
“What did your mom say on the phone?” Brittany finally breaks the silence. There’s hurt in her eyes, but Santana can’t bring herself to meet them.
“Britt, this is just for us, ok?” The words come out in a rush before she can stop them. “No one needs to know about it. It’s our secret, right?”
Brittany shrugs.
The silence stretches, “I-I just… Do you know anyone who kisses girls? We’re supposed to be with boys, Britt.”
Brittany stands up and Santana grabs her hand to stop her but she still can’t meet Brittany’s eyes when Brittany says, quietly but firmly, “But I just want to be with you.”
That night, after Santana thinks Brittany has fallen asleep she whispers her new secret to the dark, “I want to be with you too.”
Brittany swallows and closes her eyes.
Santana isn’t sure how they end up best friends with benefits, which is somehow both better and worse than if they were just girlfriends. After Santana’s parents come home they don’t talk about the kisses for months but there’s always something between them that they can’t ignore even though Santana knows they have to.
On the first day of high school they stand side by side and stare down unfamiliar hallways nervously. Some trick of scheduling has given them almost identical classes and they spend the entire day glued to each other’s side. At lunch a kid they don’t know calls Brittany retarded and Santana hits him in the face with her lunch tray without hesitating. He goes down and she’s about to kick him when a teacher pulls them apart and sends her to Figgins’ office. She reaches for Brittany’s hand and they walk all the way there with their hands clasped tightly between them.
She knows she has to but she can’t let go of Brittany’s hand and when Figgins asks them what happened she grips it tighter, “That boy called Brittany a name.”
“A name?” Figgins’ eyes flick between the two of them.
“He called me a retard,” Brittany says the word listlessly, and Santana knows it’s one she’s heard again and again. Santana never understood why. Brittany isn’t dumb, it’s just she doesn’t filter her thoughts like other people and her brain works in a different way. If they knew Brittany like she did no one would ever call her that name again.
Figgins’ eyes come to rest on their hands. “Why did you hit him with your tray?”
“She’s my best friend,” her voice comes out a lot more defiant than she intended. “And she isn’t what he called her!” She sees Brittany’s shy smile out of the corner of her eye and it sends a warm flush through her. She loves that smile.
“Be that as it may Miss Lopez, fighting is not permitted at this school. Detention.” He hands her a slip of paper and she scowls at it. She’s going to be in so much trouble if her parents find out she’s got detention on the first day of school.
Their last classes of the day are on opposite sides of the school so Santana goes to her detention alone. She sits in silence for the required hour and thinks of Brittany’s shy smile. When she leaves Brittany is leaning against the opposite wall waiting for her and it’s hard to keep the smile off her face.
From then on they’d been Brittany&Santana and they could get away with holding hands and hugging in the hallways. It helps that they’re friends with Quinn. Everyone is so busy paying attention to her that they never notice they’re staring at each other behind her. It’s not enough though. Santana has so many secrets now she isn’t sure the dark can hold them all. The one that she repeats the most often is I want to kiss her again and it’s getting harder and harder to remember why she shouldn’t.
When the kissing starts again, they’re at Quinn’s with a couple of wine coolers Quinn managed to steal from the fridge. Brittany is lying with her head in Santana’s lap and Santana plays at running her fingers through Brittany’s hair while they all laugh and pass the drinks around. Eventually Quinn goes to the bathroom and Brittany sighs contentedly as soon as Quinn disappears, “I love this.”
Santana doesn’t know if Brittany means the drinks or Santana’s fingers in her hair but she leans down and kisses Brittany hard and then rests her forehead against her best friend’s. She keeps her eyes shut and it’s pretty easy to imagine she’s back in her room, “Me too.”
Quinn’s the one who pushes them towards boys. Santana gets the feeling she knows what’s going on between them and she doesn’t want them to get hurt by whatever rumours will start flying once other people figure it out too. Not that Quinn says so in as many words, of course, but her eyes stay on Santana when she points out they’ve never had boyfriends and how it’d help their reputations if they attached themselves to one of the football team. Quinn sets them up with friends of Finn’s and they end up on a double date with Puck and some other guy whose name Santana has already forgotten.
Puck kisses her at the end of the night but all Santana can think of is Brittany and she pushes his hands away as they edge for the bottom of her shirt. “Geez, what are you a lesbian or something?”
Santana just stares at him, trying to add up all the variables in her head and come up with a solution that does not include Puck telling everyone she won’t put out, when Brittany and the other guy appear from wherever they disappeared to. They’re laughing of all things, and Santana feels the anger building inside her.
“I’m just not easy like your usual skank dates, Puckerman,” she hisses and then she steps towards Brittany and asks her if she’s ready to leave.
Brittany turns to her date and kisses him on the cheek without missing a beat, “Bye!”
When Santana drops Brittany off at her house they spend ten minutes making out in the shadow of a tree and Santana tries to forget she ever kissed anyone else.
They join the chastity club. At first it’s just to avoid further dates with boys, but then Santana realises it’s the perfect excuse to date but avoid the end of the night making out and for a while it holds Puck off. It gets round school that she and Puck are dating and Quinn starts to leave them alone. Brittany’s been on a couple of dates with members of the football team and there’s enough evidence now for them to deny that they’ve ever been in love with other. At night Santana whispers things about Brittany over and over again, purging herself of her feelings for her best friend. They still make out, and sometimes Santana hides that in the dark too so no one can find out how much she likes it.
They’re lying on Santana’s bed kissing when it happens. Brittany pulls apart from her, “Santana?”
“Mmm?” Santana opens her eyes and finds Brittany trying to peer into her soul. Brittany has one hand on Santana’s back under her shirt and the other is sliding up and down her arm softly. Santana makes an effort to pay attention.
“You know we’re in the chastity club?”
“Wait… what?” She has no idea what the other girl is trying to say. She holds herself up on an elbow and tries to put a little more distance between them. Brittany being so close is intoxicating, and Santana tries to stop breathing her in.
“We’re in the chastity club.”
“I am aware of this. What’s wrong?”
“But we’re making out… and stuff. And we’re in the chastity club.”
Santana gets it then, “Britt, that stuff’s just for boys and girls, right? So the boys don’t knock the girls up.”
“Oh.” Brittany’s quiet for a moment. “So this is ok?” She presses her hand tighter against Santana’s back and Santana shivers and moves closer involuntarily.
“Of course this is ok, Britt.” It’s not like Brittany is particularly religious, and they only joined that stupid club so Quinn would leave them alone anyway. She forces herself to ask the next question anyway, “Don’t you think it’s ok?”
Brittany smiles, “’Course it is. I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”
Santana kisses her then like she’s never kissed her before, and there’s something desperate and wanting about the kisses. Brittany doesn’t stop her when she tugs her shirt over her head and she lets Brittany do the same to hers, or when she softly lays her hand on Brittany’s stomach and moves it down, slowly, like she’s sure Brittany will stop her at any moment.
It’s the best night of Santana’s life, but it happens in the dark and when she wakes up she isn’t sure if she imagined it or it really happened. It takes her a minute to realise she’s still naked and so is her best friend before everything floods back and then she smiles and wraps her arms around Brittany until she wakes up.
“Hi,” the blonde smiles one of her shy smiles and Santana grins back in answer.
“Hi,” she’s just leaning in to kiss Brittany when her mom knocks on the door and asks them if they want pancakes for breakfast. Santana nearly falls out of bed. She grabs her clothes and throws them on and it takes her several minutes to realise she’s trying to pull her jeans on back to front before she spins them around and succeeds in putting them on. Brittany watches her in silence from the bed, then slowly starts to pull her clothes on.
She knows Puck sees other girls, and it’s not that she cares but people are starting to wonder why she doesn’t. She’s got a reputation as someone you don’t cross and when it becomes common knowledge that Puck has slept with a sophomore Santana knows she has to do something.
She slams the other girl into her locker as Brittany watches sadly from the end of the hallway and when Santana goes to her after Brittany won’t take her arm.
“Britt?”
“Do you really care that he slept with her?” There’s some emotion in her friend’s voice that she can’t place and it takes her about half a beat longer than it should to work out it’s jealousy.
“I-I …I have to care.” It’s as close to a secret as she can get out in the well lit hallway with kids pushing past them on their way to class.
Brittany just nods, sadness etched all over her face. She still won’t meet Santana’s eyes and after a moment she slips off to class without another word. Santana watches her go.
Later she finds Puck under the bleachers and when he kisses her she doesn’t stop him. It’s fine, but it’s nothing like with Brittany. She closes her eyes and tries to stop thinking of her friend.
Afterwards, she pulls on her clothes and she already knows the secret she’ll whisper that night - It’s better with her.
When Coach Sylvester asks them to spy on the glee club, Santana thinks it’ll be a piece of cake but she’s forgotten about the way Brittany dances, and it turns out she’s pretty happy to endure several hours in Rachel Berry’s company as long as she gets to see Brittany move. She’s seen Brittany dance at Cheerio practice, of course, but without Coach Sylvester breathing down their necks Santana forgets she’s not supposed to stare at Brittany with a happy smile on her face. They always manage to find each other during the group numbers and pretty soon no one bats an eyelid when they automatically gravitate towards each other every time they have to dance.
Dancing is an excuse to touch each other, and she loses track of the amount of times that one of them will reach out and find the other’s hand in their own a second later. It’s like the whispered secrets at night: a way of purging the need to be in constant contact with each other.
It’s not that she stops caring what people think, but glee is almost as safe as her room at night, so sometimes she holds Brittany’s hand or rests her arm on the back of Brittany’s chair and doesn’t care who sees it. She forgets sometimes that it’s not the same in the rest of the school. One day, they’re five steps behind Kurt when Karofsky slams him into a locker and when Karofsky’s eyes flicker towards them Santana drops Brittany’s hand like it burns.
There’s always been an unspoken rule that they can be with boys but they’ll always be with each other first so when Santana sees Brittany wheeling Artie down the hallway during the stupid duets competition she gets this awful feeling that everything’s about to change. She curses the things she said the day before in Brittany’s room, and wishes she could take them all back.
She follows them until Brittany ducks into a bathroom and Artie doesn’t bother to wait for her. After a second’s hesitation she pushes the bathroom door open and finds Brittany by the sinks. They stare at each other for a long beat in silence before Brittany moves to leave. Santana reaches for her and they’re kissing before she’s aware that she’s moved. After a second, Brittany pulls back and pushes her away gently.
Santana stares at herself in the mirror for a long while after Brittany has gone, and that afternoon in glee Brittany sits next to Artie and Santana stares holes into the back of her head.
That night she lies in the dark, only now she tries to pull her secrets back. She thinks of all the times she lay awake whispering about the feel of Brittany’s lips on hers and tries to remember the way the blonde looked lying in her bed. She wonders if she’s lying in Artie’s bed now. She can’t get the image of the two of them out of her head so she rolls over and turns on the lamp beside her bed and watches the room flood with light. It’s better with the light on. The Brittany secrets that live in the dark leave her be and eventually she manages to fall asleep.
Brittany avoids being in her immediate vicinity for another week, then they end up next to each other in the pyramid during Cheerios practice and even though they try to avoid touching each other, their pinkies press together of their own accord. The barrier between them disappears immediately.
In the locker room after practice Brittany leans down and presses her forehead to Santana’s ear and whispers “Come home with me.” When they get there Brittany’s parents are out so they drop their backpacks by the door and kiss their way to Brittany’s room.
Santana missed this, and she promises herself to keep this close and never give it to the dark. When they’ve pulled their clothes off and Brittany flops down on her back on the bed, Santana hovers over her for a moment, her eyes taking in every detail in case it’s taken away again, before she presses herself against Brittany and kisses her deeply. The blonde responds immediately, and Santana feels Brittany’s arms wrap around her back in a way that makes her feel safer than anything ever has in the dark.
They pull their clothes on reluctantly, but Brittany’s parents are due home and this is a little more than either of them feels like explaining. Santana is straightening her hair in the mirror when Brittany speaks. “I’m dating Artie.”
At first she shrugs and glances sideways at her, “I’m dating Puck.”
“No,” Brittany insists, “I mean I’m really dating Artie.” Santana blinks at her. “I like him.”
Santana searches for the words. She and Puck may be a lot of things, but they’ve never really liked each other.
Brittany catches Santana’s hand, “I like you too.”
“Well, lucky me.” As always bitchiness is her first line of defence; hurt flashes in Brittany’s eyes but she doesn’t let go of Santana’s hand.
“Santana,” the sound of her name brings her up short. It’s a little bit desperate, and she isn’t sure she’s ever seen Brittany look so serious.
“What?” It’s barely a whisper.
“I love you.” The words hang in the air between them as the silence stretches. The hurt look returns to Brittany’s eyes and eventually she looks away.
Santana feels paralysed. She wants to say the words back but the sun is beaming through the window and she can see Karofsky shoving Kurt into a locker over and over in her head and it’s all too much. She opens her mouth to speak and though her throat works she can’t force any words out.
As she passes behind her, Brittany trails her fingers against the slope of Santana’s bare shoulder and Santana can’t stop shivering long after she’s gone.
She hates the way Brittany sits next to Artie every day in glee. She hates the way she sometimes sits in his lap and he gives her rides around the choir room. She hates the way her eyes follow them wherever they go now that she’s forgotten that she’s not supposed to care. She catches Quinn watching her occasionally, and remembers for a minute to roll her eyes and look at Puck but then Brittany and Artie are laughing and Santana is narrowing her eyes at them from across the room.
The thing that she holds on to is the thing that Artie can never give Brittany: they can dance together. There are a couple of worrying weeks where Brittany just sits next to Artie or dances around him but soon she’s dancing with Santana like when they first joined glee and didn’t care about anyone else. Santana’s pretty sure she sees Artie looking at them sometimes from the edge of the stage but she tries to ignore him and concentrate on the movement. It’s the one thing she has over him, and she enjoys every moment of it.
She loves the way Brittany smiles at her during every dance; Brittany loses herself to the rhythm and Santana gets sucked in with her, reacting to every single movement Brittany makes. The rest of the club disappears and it’s just the two of them on the stage dancing in and out of spotlights. It’s kind of perfect, and for a moment Santana forgets about Artie and the fact that she loves her best friend but doesn’t have her. She feels like their hearts beat in time with the rhythm of the music, and they’re so close now that they might as well be one person. Then the last note fades and Brittany throws her a sad smile before stepping closer to Artie and Santana feels her throat close up in a way that makes her think she might never sing again.
She’s taken to lying on her bed in the half gloom listening to a never ending stream of maudlin love songs, and her mom knocks on the door more than once and asks if she’s ok. Santana nods dumbly each time she asks, and eventually her mom looks at her for a long while and asks why Brittany doesn’t stay over anymore. Santana can’t think of an excuse so she just rolls over with her back to the door and faces the wall. After a while, she hears her mom close the door and she releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She lays there in the dark listening to an oddly prescient itunes playlist and each breath she sucks in feels like it burns her throat until she’s gasping huge jagged sobs as her throat tightens and tears well up in her eyes.
She grabs her cell from the bedside table and she pulls up Brittany’s number and stares at the screen, wanting to call but not knowing what to say. She stares at the screen until the display dims and when she touches the screen with her thumb the light is blinding in the darkness of her room.
Brittany answers on the second ring, and there’s silence for a moment as each waits for the other to speak. Finally, she hears Brittany whisper, “Hi,” and Santana tries to force something out but it feels like her throat is constricted and a choked sob is the best she can manage.
After a moment she hears the bed creak and Brittany sighs contentedly, as though she’s settling down more comfortably, before she says, “I’m here, San.” Brittany’s voice is warm and sure and it works on Santana like a lullaby, calming her down until her sobs feel far away.
Santana falls asleep with her head pillowed on her arms, and her phone on the crook of her elbow, listening to the deep, even sound of Brittany’s breathing.
It’s getting harder and harder to not run to Brittany and throw herself into her arms. They sit at opposite ends of the choir room more often than not, and Artie seems to be permanently attached to Brittany’s side. Santana grinds her teeth and folds her arms and stares at the back of their heads and wishes her and Brittany’s relationship could be that easy. She hasn’t forgotten what happened to Kurt, and wreaking havoc between Finn, Quinn and Sam seems like a good distraction from the fact that Puck would rather follow Lauren around than her. Not that she blames him. It’s a long time since she’s tried to forget her feelings for Brittany with him, and at least Lauren seems vaguely interested. Still it’s not good for her reputation, so breaking up Quinn and Sam serves the dual purpose of giving her a boyfriend and distracting her from the way Brittany smiles at Artie.
Sam’s not really the sharpest tool in the box, so it’s surprisingly easy to wrap him around her little finger. At Rachel’s party, when Sam and Brittany kiss she feels something snap inside her, and she spends the next hour shouting at Sam and eyeing Brittany across the room. She wants more than anything to cross the room and press her face into the curve of Brittany’s neck and smell the shampoo in her hair, but she holds herself back and watches Artie throw money at Brittany. She doesn’t think she’s ever hated him more.
She’s not entirely sure how she and Brittany end up going home together. She remembers shouting at Sam, and then turning and shouting something at Artie and the next thing she knows, she and Brittany are three blocks away fiercely kissing in the shadow of a street lamp. They stumble to Brittany’s because it’s closer and find their way to Brittany’s room in the dark without waking her parents. They stare at each other, breathing as though they’ve run a race, and then Santana takes three steps and pushes Brittany up against the door and kisses her as though they never stopped. Brittany’s hands come up to tangle in Santana’s hair and the blonde walks them backwards until the back of Santana’s knees hit the bed and they fall in a tangle of limbs. Santana spends the entire weekend at Brittany’s house, and then Brittany is ignoring Artie’s calls and staying over on school nights, and it gets harder to remember that Artie exists at all.
When Ms Holiday comes back, Santana lets Brittany talk her into talking about their feelings and she’s so grateful when they end up in the choir room in the dark because it makes it easier, even though it really isn’t. Neither of them is completely honest, but Santana closes her eyes to steady herself and admits that she’s attracted to girls. Brittany’s eyes slide sideways to hers and Santana swallows and looks away quickly.
The next day when they sing Landslide together, Santana feels like her heart has stopped beating. At first she feels everyone’s eyes on them and then, eventually, as she looks at Brittany and Brittany looks at her, she forgets they’re in the choir room and that they have an audience. She feels the tears at the corners of her eyes, and she’s silently grateful that Ms Holiday sings the words where she cannot. There’s a smile dancing around the corners of Brittany’s mouth, and there’s nothing but the sparkle of Brittany’s eyes locked with hers. Afterwards, when Santana crosses the space between them and presses her face into Brittany’s neck she savours the feel of Brittany’s strong arms around her and wishes they’d never let go. It takes about a minute for the world to crash back around them and then they sit at opposite ends of the choir room, staring at each other across the void.
The hardest thing Santana ever does is admit, in a crowded, well-lit corridor, that she loves Brittany. She can’t stop her eyes flicking from side to side and watching the people go by, but she manages to force out the words that she has only ever whispered in the dark of her bedroom. Brittany’s refusal to break up with Artie is like a knife in her gut, and every time she sees them together afterwards the knife twists in a little deeper. She always thought the phantom pain of heartbreak was romantic bullshit, but now she’s not so sure. Brittany’s eyes cut into her soul, and she can’t remember a time before she ever felt the pain of her best friend’s gaze.
Brittany tries to talk to her, but she can’t face the innocent confusion in the blonde’s voice. Santana doesn’t know how Brittany can’t understand how things have changed between them when it’s all she thinks about. She lies awake at night staring at her ceiling, ignoring the vibrations her phone makes as Brittany tries to call her. She grips the edge of her bed until her knuckles turn white and whispers I love Brittany over and over again like a mantra, until the words lose all meaning and she falls asleep.
She dances on her own in glee, and sings her harmony parts listlessly, her eyes fixed on Brittany. At first the other glee clubbers try to talk to her but after she snaps at Quinn one too many times, they learn not to bother. She’s not entirely sure why she keeps going to glee but her feet seem to carry her to the choir room of their own accord and she slumps into her chair on the back row and growls at anyone who gets too close.
She isn’t aware of Brittany sitting next to her until she looks at Artie and realises he’s on his own and surreptitiously watching her out of the corner of his eye. She glances to the side and meets Brittany’s gaze.
“Hi.”
Santana tries to smile, but it looks more like a grimace. She’s grateful that Mr Schue starts to talk then, but she’s aware of Brittany’s eyes on her and after a moment the blonde scoots her chair over and Santana feels the heat of Brittany’s leg against her own. She swallows and clenches her hands into fists.
She’s hyperaware of Brittany next to her, so it takes her a minute to tune into what Mr Schue is talking about, “…share rooms at Nationals. I’ve assigned rooms, and I don’t want to hear any arguments guys.” He runs down the list and of course he’s put her and Brittany together. It’s not like Mr Schue ever keeps up with the ever changing relationships of the glee clubbers, and she’s not entirely sure he even knows there’s anything more than friendship between them.
She’s aware of Quinn’s eyes on them and as they stand up at the end of practice Brittany whispers, “It’ll be like when we went to Cheerio competitions,” and smiles at her so brightly that Santana can’t stand it and has to look away.
Every night of the week before Nationals, Santana lies awake into the early hours of the morning thinking about Brittany. Whenever she falls asleep her traitorous mind keeps showing her images of her and Brittany pressed against each other in the dark in a hotel room in New York and each time she awakens with a jolt, she presses her fists into her eyes to try and keep herself awake and keep the images away.
It’s the worst kind of torture. They haven’t been together since Landslide but all the nights she hid in the dark seem to come back to haunt her, and she feels the weight of her secrets press against her like a physical force. She’s like a zombie at school, and she always seems to be half a beat behind the rest of the glee club when they’re practicing for Nationals. She sees more than one concerned glance aimed in her direction, and eventually Mr Schue asks if he can talk to her privately and she’s so surprised he’s taking an interest that she agrees before she realises it’ll mean talking to someone about Brittany.
She fiddles with her hands in his office, and won’t meet his eyes.
“Santana, I’m worried about you. Is everything alright?”
She shrugs and fastens her eyes on the wall behind him.
“Did something happen with you and Brittany?” His voice is so gentle she can’t stand it.
“Look Mr Schue, it’s nice that you’re taking an interest and all but nothing’s going on. Brittany’s with roller boy, and we don’t hang out any more.”
His eyes narrow when she calls Artie roller boy but he doesn’t say anything. “You know, Santana, high school relationships don’t last forever. And high school crushes last even less.”
She’s not entirely sure if he’s implying that her feelings for Brittany are nothing more than a crush, or if Brittany’s feelings for Artie are. She snorts and rolls her eyes anyway.
“You won’t feel like this forever, Santana.”
“I will as long as she’s with him.” She spits the words out and then stands up, embarrassed by her one moment of honesty. “Can I go now?”
Mr Schue nods mutely and watches her go.
On the day before they’re due to leave for New York, Mr Schue decides they’ve practiced enough for Nationals and lets them take turns singing bits of whatever songs they want. Santana sits slightly apart from everyone else, and watches mutely as they sing song after song, one person starting off and then the others joining in. They cover the usual bases - Broadway from Rachel and Kurt, top 40 from Mercedes and Quinn, classic rock from Finn and Puck - but Santana doesn’t join in once. Brittany, Mike and Tina go off to a corner to dance, and after a moment Brittany glances her way and beckons her over. Santana pointedly looks away.
She’s not sure who starts it off but pretty soon everyone is dancing and singing along to an overenthusiastic rendition of Price Tag with Mercedes and Rachel trying to outdo each other on every line. Santana feels the music tugging at her but she stays in her seat until she looks at Brittany and sees that the blonde’s eyes are fixed on her.
She sees Brittany take a deep breath and then she crosses the room and grabs Santana’s hand and pulls her to her feet. They stay frozen for a minute, joined at the hands, until Santana takes one uncertain step and then another and Brittany wraps her arms around her and makes them sway in time with the beat. Santana leans into the embrace, and her arms come up to press into Brittany’s back. Brittany sings the chorus into her ear and Santana finds herself singing along for the first time.
“I miss you,” it’s so quiet under the noise of the music that Santana isn’t sure if she’s imagined it, but when they pull apart Brittany flushes a little when she meets her gaze. Santana comes back to herself suddenly and realises that everyone’s watching them, and when Artie rolls toward them hesitantly it’s more than she can stand. She takes a step away from Brittany and avoids everyone’s eyes as she leaves.
Out in the hallway she leans her forehead against the cool metal of her locker and jumps when she feels a hand on her back. It’s Brittany, of course, because if there’s one thing her best friend was never good at it’s knowing when to quit.
“Santana,” she hates the way she reacts whenever Brittany says her name; something within her comes to attention, as though the other girl is calling her into being. She feels anger low in her belly but when she spins around to face Brittany it disappears at the look on the blonde’s face. “I miss you.”
Everything goes out of her at the sadness in Brittany’s voice, “I know.” She closes her eyes briefly, “I miss you too.”
Brittany raises her hand, and her fingertips brush against the back of Santana’s hand slowly as though Brittany thinks Santana might startle. A shudder runs through Santana at the touch, and she feels her throat tighten. “Why?” She forces the word out, “Why are you still with him?”
Brittany’s silent for a moment and then she looks away, “Yesterday, he asked me the same thing.”
Hope flares inside her, but she remembers the way Artie looked at them a moment before and tries to kill it quickly. “And what did you say?”
“I said I missed you.”
Santana swallows. “Oh.” It’s not really disappointment, because she didn’t dare to hope in the first place, but it hurts just the same.
Brittany’s fingers close around hers and Brittany takes a step closer. “I said I missed you more than I ever miss him when he goes away. And I said how sometimes my heart feels like it’s about to break when I see you standing across the room and I can’t go and talk to you. And I said that I love you.” She smiles sadly, “I love you. And I like Artie, a lot, but it’s not the same and it never was.”
“Oh.” The hope flares up within her again and this time she forgets to squash it back down. “You said you loved me?” Santana hears the wonder in her own voice, “You’re-you’re not… You broke up with him?”
Brittany nods and Santana grins like she never has before, not even when they performed at Sectionals, or when they won at Regionals, or when she was in the dark with Brittany above her and around her and inside her. She cups Brittany’s face in her hands, one thumb pressing into her cheek and the other brushing Brittany’s bottom lip, and then she pulls the blonde to her and kisses her, right there by the lockers where anyone can see. When they break apart, breathing hard, the world is still turning and no one says anything and they smile at each other like they did when they were little kids sharing a secret in the playground.
Santana goes to Brittany’s after school and they spend several hours reacquainting themselves with how they feel in the dark. At one point, Santana pulls away and crosses the room to the window. She half opens the blinds to let the light in before returning to stand shyly by the bed until Brittany grins and pulls her back down next to her.
Later, they leave the quiet world of Brittany’s room to make themselves a sandwich. When Brittany’s dad comes home and finds them standing so close their shoulders bump together each time Santana wields the knife, he just raises his eyebrows and asks mildly if they’ve made up. They look at each other for a second and then burst out laughing, holding on to each other for support. Brittany’s dad shakes his head and leaves them to it.
The next day they’re the last ones on the bus for Nationals, and Santana takes a deep breath and reaches for Brittany’s hand before they climb the steps and face the rest of the glee club. Artie looks pointedly away as they sit down but Santana is pretty sure everyone else is exchanging secret smiles, and Kurt is positively beaming at them from his place next to Mercedes. She holds Brittany’s hand, and Brittany sinks down in her seat until her head is on Santana’s shoulder. After a while Santana gently slides her hand out of Brittany’s and wraps it around the blonde’s shoulders, pulling her closer. Brittany rests her hand on Santana’s thigh and Santana tries to ignore the warm flush it sends through her.
New York is unlike anything she’s ever seen, and even though they mostly see the competition buildings and the hotel they’re staying in, it’s still exciting. Their hotel room is dark and quiet, and Santana remembers all the things she imaged them doing as she lay awake torturing herself with images of Brittany. It’s hard to believe it was only a week ago. Brittany pulls her close as soon as the door closes behind them and spins them round in a circle happily. Santana presses her face into Brittany’s neck until she can feel Brittany’s pulse point with her nose, and then she kisses Brittany’s neck until her pulse gets irregular and her hands come up and fist in her hair desperately. Santana presses her face closer and tries to breathe her in, and then Brittany is tugging at her until she turns and their lips meet hungrily as they clumsily step backwards towards the bed.
Afterwards, they lay in the dark closer than they’ve ever been, and when Santana tries to think of a secret, she realises she no longer has any. She’s given every secret she ever had to Brittany, writing them over the blonde’s body with her fingers and whispering them each time she gasps at Brittany’s touch. She raises herself up on one elbow and traces the curve of Brittany’s mouth with her finger tip before she looks into blue eyes and whispers, “I love you.”
In the morning, the sun shines through their window and illuminates them in a pool of light. Brittany blinks sleepily as Santana watches her come awake, their limbs tangled and half covered by the sheets. The light shimmers on Brittany’s blonde hair and Santana leans down to kiss her quickly, before the light disappears.
Pairing: Santana/Brittany
Rating: R, for suggested sexyteims.
Summary: Santana whispers her secrets to the dark, and lately all she’s been whispering is Brittany, Brittany, Brittany.
Spoilers: Up to Sexy.
Word Count: ~7000
Author’s Note: Starts pre-season one, finishes at Nationals but I don’t read spoilers so anything after Sexy is vague and unlikely to be canon.
Ever since she was little, Santana has whispered her secrets to the dark. It started with innocent things - I didn’t eat my broccoli, I pushed Tommy at recess - but recently the only thing she’s been whispering is Brittany Brittany Brittany. Every night she goes to her room, turns off the light and whispers I love Brittany before she falls asleep. It’s like draining an infection from a wound, only it’s not at all because Brittany isn’t an infection. She’s the opposite of an infection because if Brittany ever went away she thinks she’d die, and not in a romantic broken hearted way but in a lashing out at everyone until there was no one left to keep her from self destructing way. She’s like that sometimes on the rare occasions when they’re not speaking, and she knows everyone pretends not to notice.
Still, she has to get rid of Brittany every night before she sleeps so she can face everyone at school, so she can turn up with her mean girl armour in place and be the bitch they expect her to be. She knows everyone has tightly defined roles in high school and hers does not include lesbian or bisexual or in love with a girl or whatever. So she whispers her feelings to the dark.
The first time she kisses someone, it’s Brittany and it’s unexpected. They’re walking home from school discussing the scandal of the day - their friend Quinn had started dating a high school boy - and they come to a stop outside Brittany’s house to carry on their conversation. One minute they’re laughing about the stupid boys in their grade and wondering why they’d ever want to kiss them, and the next Brittany asks if Santana has ever been kissed and after Santana rolls her eyes and says no Brittany presses her lips against Santana’s chastely before running inside.
It takes Santana a full minute to recover, and that night when she goes home she whispers her first secret about Brittany - She kissed me - and falls asleep with a smile on her face.
The first time they made out was also the first time Santana’s parents went away for the weekend and let her stay home alone. She doesn’t need to ask if Brittany can stay over, it’s just assumed by all involved that she will. They spend the night in her parents’ bed watching movies and eating popcorn and snuggling closer and closer together while pretending they don’t notice. Eventually they decide to go to sleep and Santana turns the light off and tucks herself against Brittany’s side in the darkness. After a few moments Brittany rolls on to her side and Santana can feel her friend’s breath tickling her face.
It’s safe in the dark, and somehow over the course of the evening this has become their secret so Santana screws up her courage and leans forward to kiss Brittany. It’s clumsy at first with so little light to see by, but after a moment Brittany’s hand comes up to the side of Santana’s face and guides their lips together again.
In the morning they keep the blinds closed and every room is dark and safe. They get flour everywhere making pancakes but Santana doesn’t even care because Brittany kisses her again while they’re waiting for them to cook and they almost burn while they’re distracted. They’re saved by the phone ringing and when Santana hears her mom’s voice on the end of the line she suddenly feels sick in the pit of her stomach and can’t look Brittany in the eye. An hour later the kitchen is spotless and they’re sitting on opposite ends of the couch with a space that feels as big as a football field between them.
“What did your mom say on the phone?” Brittany finally breaks the silence. There’s hurt in her eyes, but Santana can’t bring herself to meet them.
“Britt, this is just for us, ok?” The words come out in a rush before she can stop them. “No one needs to know about it. It’s our secret, right?”
Brittany shrugs.
The silence stretches, “I-I just… Do you know anyone who kisses girls? We’re supposed to be with boys, Britt.”
Brittany stands up and Santana grabs her hand to stop her but she still can’t meet Brittany’s eyes when Brittany says, quietly but firmly, “But I just want to be with you.”
That night, after Santana thinks Brittany has fallen asleep she whispers her new secret to the dark, “I want to be with you too.”
Brittany swallows and closes her eyes.
Santana isn’t sure how they end up best friends with benefits, which is somehow both better and worse than if they were just girlfriends. After Santana’s parents come home they don’t talk about the kisses for months but there’s always something between them that they can’t ignore even though Santana knows they have to.
On the first day of high school they stand side by side and stare down unfamiliar hallways nervously. Some trick of scheduling has given them almost identical classes and they spend the entire day glued to each other’s side. At lunch a kid they don’t know calls Brittany retarded and Santana hits him in the face with her lunch tray without hesitating. He goes down and she’s about to kick him when a teacher pulls them apart and sends her to Figgins’ office. She reaches for Brittany’s hand and they walk all the way there with their hands clasped tightly between them.
She knows she has to but she can’t let go of Brittany’s hand and when Figgins asks them what happened she grips it tighter, “That boy called Brittany a name.”
“A name?” Figgins’ eyes flick between the two of them.
“He called me a retard,” Brittany says the word listlessly, and Santana knows it’s one she’s heard again and again. Santana never understood why. Brittany isn’t dumb, it’s just she doesn’t filter her thoughts like other people and her brain works in a different way. If they knew Brittany like she did no one would ever call her that name again.
Figgins’ eyes come to rest on their hands. “Why did you hit him with your tray?”
“She’s my best friend,” her voice comes out a lot more defiant than she intended. “And she isn’t what he called her!” She sees Brittany’s shy smile out of the corner of her eye and it sends a warm flush through her. She loves that smile.
“Be that as it may Miss Lopez, fighting is not permitted at this school. Detention.” He hands her a slip of paper and she scowls at it. She’s going to be in so much trouble if her parents find out she’s got detention on the first day of school.
Their last classes of the day are on opposite sides of the school so Santana goes to her detention alone. She sits in silence for the required hour and thinks of Brittany’s shy smile. When she leaves Brittany is leaning against the opposite wall waiting for her and it’s hard to keep the smile off her face.
From then on they’d been Brittany&Santana and they could get away with holding hands and hugging in the hallways. It helps that they’re friends with Quinn. Everyone is so busy paying attention to her that they never notice they’re staring at each other behind her. It’s not enough though. Santana has so many secrets now she isn’t sure the dark can hold them all. The one that she repeats the most often is I want to kiss her again and it’s getting harder and harder to remember why she shouldn’t.
When the kissing starts again, they’re at Quinn’s with a couple of wine coolers Quinn managed to steal from the fridge. Brittany is lying with her head in Santana’s lap and Santana plays at running her fingers through Brittany’s hair while they all laugh and pass the drinks around. Eventually Quinn goes to the bathroom and Brittany sighs contentedly as soon as Quinn disappears, “I love this.”
Santana doesn’t know if Brittany means the drinks or Santana’s fingers in her hair but she leans down and kisses Brittany hard and then rests her forehead against her best friend’s. She keeps her eyes shut and it’s pretty easy to imagine she’s back in her room, “Me too.”
Quinn’s the one who pushes them towards boys. Santana gets the feeling she knows what’s going on between them and she doesn’t want them to get hurt by whatever rumours will start flying once other people figure it out too. Not that Quinn says so in as many words, of course, but her eyes stay on Santana when she points out they’ve never had boyfriends and how it’d help their reputations if they attached themselves to one of the football team. Quinn sets them up with friends of Finn’s and they end up on a double date with Puck and some other guy whose name Santana has already forgotten.
Puck kisses her at the end of the night but all Santana can think of is Brittany and she pushes his hands away as they edge for the bottom of her shirt. “Geez, what are you a lesbian or something?”
Santana just stares at him, trying to add up all the variables in her head and come up with a solution that does not include Puck telling everyone she won’t put out, when Brittany and the other guy appear from wherever they disappeared to. They’re laughing of all things, and Santana feels the anger building inside her.
“I’m just not easy like your usual skank dates, Puckerman,” she hisses and then she steps towards Brittany and asks her if she’s ready to leave.
Brittany turns to her date and kisses him on the cheek without missing a beat, “Bye!”
When Santana drops Brittany off at her house they spend ten minutes making out in the shadow of a tree and Santana tries to forget she ever kissed anyone else.
They join the chastity club. At first it’s just to avoid further dates with boys, but then Santana realises it’s the perfect excuse to date but avoid the end of the night making out and for a while it holds Puck off. It gets round school that she and Puck are dating and Quinn starts to leave them alone. Brittany’s been on a couple of dates with members of the football team and there’s enough evidence now for them to deny that they’ve ever been in love with other. At night Santana whispers things about Brittany over and over again, purging herself of her feelings for her best friend. They still make out, and sometimes Santana hides that in the dark too so no one can find out how much she likes it.
They’re lying on Santana’s bed kissing when it happens. Brittany pulls apart from her, “Santana?”
“Mmm?” Santana opens her eyes and finds Brittany trying to peer into her soul. Brittany has one hand on Santana’s back under her shirt and the other is sliding up and down her arm softly. Santana makes an effort to pay attention.
“You know we’re in the chastity club?”
“Wait… what?” She has no idea what the other girl is trying to say. She holds herself up on an elbow and tries to put a little more distance between them. Brittany being so close is intoxicating, and Santana tries to stop breathing her in.
“We’re in the chastity club.”
“I am aware of this. What’s wrong?”
“But we’re making out… and stuff. And we’re in the chastity club.”
Santana gets it then, “Britt, that stuff’s just for boys and girls, right? So the boys don’t knock the girls up.”
“Oh.” Brittany’s quiet for a moment. “So this is ok?” She presses her hand tighter against Santana’s back and Santana shivers and moves closer involuntarily.
“Of course this is ok, Britt.” It’s not like Brittany is particularly religious, and they only joined that stupid club so Quinn would leave them alone anyway. She forces herself to ask the next question anyway, “Don’t you think it’s ok?”
Brittany smiles, “’Course it is. I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”
Santana kisses her then like she’s never kissed her before, and there’s something desperate and wanting about the kisses. Brittany doesn’t stop her when she tugs her shirt over her head and she lets Brittany do the same to hers, or when she softly lays her hand on Brittany’s stomach and moves it down, slowly, like she’s sure Brittany will stop her at any moment.
It’s the best night of Santana’s life, but it happens in the dark and when she wakes up she isn’t sure if she imagined it or it really happened. It takes her a minute to realise she’s still naked and so is her best friend before everything floods back and then she smiles and wraps her arms around Brittany until she wakes up.
“Hi,” the blonde smiles one of her shy smiles and Santana grins back in answer.
“Hi,” she’s just leaning in to kiss Brittany when her mom knocks on the door and asks them if they want pancakes for breakfast. Santana nearly falls out of bed. She grabs her clothes and throws them on and it takes her several minutes to realise she’s trying to pull her jeans on back to front before she spins them around and succeeds in putting them on. Brittany watches her in silence from the bed, then slowly starts to pull her clothes on.
She knows Puck sees other girls, and it’s not that she cares but people are starting to wonder why she doesn’t. She’s got a reputation as someone you don’t cross and when it becomes common knowledge that Puck has slept with a sophomore Santana knows she has to do something.
She slams the other girl into her locker as Brittany watches sadly from the end of the hallway and when Santana goes to her after Brittany won’t take her arm.
“Britt?”
“Do you really care that he slept with her?” There’s some emotion in her friend’s voice that she can’t place and it takes her about half a beat longer than it should to work out it’s jealousy.
“I-I …I have to care.” It’s as close to a secret as she can get out in the well lit hallway with kids pushing past them on their way to class.
Brittany just nods, sadness etched all over her face. She still won’t meet Santana’s eyes and after a moment she slips off to class without another word. Santana watches her go.
Later she finds Puck under the bleachers and when he kisses her she doesn’t stop him. It’s fine, but it’s nothing like with Brittany. She closes her eyes and tries to stop thinking of her friend.
Afterwards, she pulls on her clothes and she already knows the secret she’ll whisper that night - It’s better with her.
When Coach Sylvester asks them to spy on the glee club, Santana thinks it’ll be a piece of cake but she’s forgotten about the way Brittany dances, and it turns out she’s pretty happy to endure several hours in Rachel Berry’s company as long as she gets to see Brittany move. She’s seen Brittany dance at Cheerio practice, of course, but without Coach Sylvester breathing down their necks Santana forgets she’s not supposed to stare at Brittany with a happy smile on her face. They always manage to find each other during the group numbers and pretty soon no one bats an eyelid when they automatically gravitate towards each other every time they have to dance.
Dancing is an excuse to touch each other, and she loses track of the amount of times that one of them will reach out and find the other’s hand in their own a second later. It’s like the whispered secrets at night: a way of purging the need to be in constant contact with each other.
It’s not that she stops caring what people think, but glee is almost as safe as her room at night, so sometimes she holds Brittany’s hand or rests her arm on the back of Brittany’s chair and doesn’t care who sees it. She forgets sometimes that it’s not the same in the rest of the school. One day, they’re five steps behind Kurt when Karofsky slams him into a locker and when Karofsky’s eyes flicker towards them Santana drops Brittany’s hand like it burns.
There’s always been an unspoken rule that they can be with boys but they’ll always be with each other first so when Santana sees Brittany wheeling Artie down the hallway during the stupid duets competition she gets this awful feeling that everything’s about to change. She curses the things she said the day before in Brittany’s room, and wishes she could take them all back.
She follows them until Brittany ducks into a bathroom and Artie doesn’t bother to wait for her. After a second’s hesitation she pushes the bathroom door open and finds Brittany by the sinks. They stare at each other for a long beat in silence before Brittany moves to leave. Santana reaches for her and they’re kissing before she’s aware that she’s moved. After a second, Brittany pulls back and pushes her away gently.
Santana stares at herself in the mirror for a long while after Brittany has gone, and that afternoon in glee Brittany sits next to Artie and Santana stares holes into the back of her head.
That night she lies in the dark, only now she tries to pull her secrets back. She thinks of all the times she lay awake whispering about the feel of Brittany’s lips on hers and tries to remember the way the blonde looked lying in her bed. She wonders if she’s lying in Artie’s bed now. She can’t get the image of the two of them out of her head so she rolls over and turns on the lamp beside her bed and watches the room flood with light. It’s better with the light on. The Brittany secrets that live in the dark leave her be and eventually she manages to fall asleep.
Brittany avoids being in her immediate vicinity for another week, then they end up next to each other in the pyramid during Cheerios practice and even though they try to avoid touching each other, their pinkies press together of their own accord. The barrier between them disappears immediately.
In the locker room after practice Brittany leans down and presses her forehead to Santana’s ear and whispers “Come home with me.” When they get there Brittany’s parents are out so they drop their backpacks by the door and kiss their way to Brittany’s room.
Santana missed this, and she promises herself to keep this close and never give it to the dark. When they’ve pulled their clothes off and Brittany flops down on her back on the bed, Santana hovers over her for a moment, her eyes taking in every detail in case it’s taken away again, before she presses herself against Brittany and kisses her deeply. The blonde responds immediately, and Santana feels Brittany’s arms wrap around her back in a way that makes her feel safer than anything ever has in the dark.
They pull their clothes on reluctantly, but Brittany’s parents are due home and this is a little more than either of them feels like explaining. Santana is straightening her hair in the mirror when Brittany speaks. “I’m dating Artie.”
At first she shrugs and glances sideways at her, “I’m dating Puck.”
“No,” Brittany insists, “I mean I’m really dating Artie.” Santana blinks at her. “I like him.”
Santana searches for the words. She and Puck may be a lot of things, but they’ve never really liked each other.
Brittany catches Santana’s hand, “I like you too.”
“Well, lucky me.” As always bitchiness is her first line of defence; hurt flashes in Brittany’s eyes but she doesn’t let go of Santana’s hand.
“Santana,” the sound of her name brings her up short. It’s a little bit desperate, and she isn’t sure she’s ever seen Brittany look so serious.
“What?” It’s barely a whisper.
“I love you.” The words hang in the air between them as the silence stretches. The hurt look returns to Brittany’s eyes and eventually she looks away.
Santana feels paralysed. She wants to say the words back but the sun is beaming through the window and she can see Karofsky shoving Kurt into a locker over and over in her head and it’s all too much. She opens her mouth to speak and though her throat works she can’t force any words out.
As she passes behind her, Brittany trails her fingers against the slope of Santana’s bare shoulder and Santana can’t stop shivering long after she’s gone.
She hates the way Brittany sits next to Artie every day in glee. She hates the way she sometimes sits in his lap and he gives her rides around the choir room. She hates the way her eyes follow them wherever they go now that she’s forgotten that she’s not supposed to care. She catches Quinn watching her occasionally, and remembers for a minute to roll her eyes and look at Puck but then Brittany and Artie are laughing and Santana is narrowing her eyes at them from across the room.
The thing that she holds on to is the thing that Artie can never give Brittany: they can dance together. There are a couple of worrying weeks where Brittany just sits next to Artie or dances around him but soon she’s dancing with Santana like when they first joined glee and didn’t care about anyone else. Santana’s pretty sure she sees Artie looking at them sometimes from the edge of the stage but she tries to ignore him and concentrate on the movement. It’s the one thing she has over him, and she enjoys every moment of it.
She loves the way Brittany smiles at her during every dance; Brittany loses herself to the rhythm and Santana gets sucked in with her, reacting to every single movement Brittany makes. The rest of the club disappears and it’s just the two of them on the stage dancing in and out of spotlights. It’s kind of perfect, and for a moment Santana forgets about Artie and the fact that she loves her best friend but doesn’t have her. She feels like their hearts beat in time with the rhythm of the music, and they’re so close now that they might as well be one person. Then the last note fades and Brittany throws her a sad smile before stepping closer to Artie and Santana feels her throat close up in a way that makes her think she might never sing again.
She’s taken to lying on her bed in the half gloom listening to a never ending stream of maudlin love songs, and her mom knocks on the door more than once and asks if she’s ok. Santana nods dumbly each time she asks, and eventually her mom looks at her for a long while and asks why Brittany doesn’t stay over anymore. Santana can’t think of an excuse so she just rolls over with her back to the door and faces the wall. After a while, she hears her mom close the door and she releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She lays there in the dark listening to an oddly prescient itunes playlist and each breath she sucks in feels like it burns her throat until she’s gasping huge jagged sobs as her throat tightens and tears well up in her eyes.
She grabs her cell from the bedside table and she pulls up Brittany’s number and stares at the screen, wanting to call but not knowing what to say. She stares at the screen until the display dims and when she touches the screen with her thumb the light is blinding in the darkness of her room.
Brittany answers on the second ring, and there’s silence for a moment as each waits for the other to speak. Finally, she hears Brittany whisper, “Hi,” and Santana tries to force something out but it feels like her throat is constricted and a choked sob is the best she can manage.
After a moment she hears the bed creak and Brittany sighs contentedly, as though she’s settling down more comfortably, before she says, “I’m here, San.” Brittany’s voice is warm and sure and it works on Santana like a lullaby, calming her down until her sobs feel far away.
Santana falls asleep with her head pillowed on her arms, and her phone on the crook of her elbow, listening to the deep, even sound of Brittany’s breathing.
It’s getting harder and harder to not run to Brittany and throw herself into her arms. They sit at opposite ends of the choir room more often than not, and Artie seems to be permanently attached to Brittany’s side. Santana grinds her teeth and folds her arms and stares at the back of their heads and wishes her and Brittany’s relationship could be that easy. She hasn’t forgotten what happened to Kurt, and wreaking havoc between Finn, Quinn and Sam seems like a good distraction from the fact that Puck would rather follow Lauren around than her. Not that she blames him. It’s a long time since she’s tried to forget her feelings for Brittany with him, and at least Lauren seems vaguely interested. Still it’s not good for her reputation, so breaking up Quinn and Sam serves the dual purpose of giving her a boyfriend and distracting her from the way Brittany smiles at Artie.
Sam’s not really the sharpest tool in the box, so it’s surprisingly easy to wrap him around her little finger. At Rachel’s party, when Sam and Brittany kiss she feels something snap inside her, and she spends the next hour shouting at Sam and eyeing Brittany across the room. She wants more than anything to cross the room and press her face into the curve of Brittany’s neck and smell the shampoo in her hair, but she holds herself back and watches Artie throw money at Brittany. She doesn’t think she’s ever hated him more.
She’s not entirely sure how she and Brittany end up going home together. She remembers shouting at Sam, and then turning and shouting something at Artie and the next thing she knows, she and Brittany are three blocks away fiercely kissing in the shadow of a street lamp. They stumble to Brittany’s because it’s closer and find their way to Brittany’s room in the dark without waking her parents. They stare at each other, breathing as though they’ve run a race, and then Santana takes three steps and pushes Brittany up against the door and kisses her as though they never stopped. Brittany’s hands come up to tangle in Santana’s hair and the blonde walks them backwards until the back of Santana’s knees hit the bed and they fall in a tangle of limbs. Santana spends the entire weekend at Brittany’s house, and then Brittany is ignoring Artie’s calls and staying over on school nights, and it gets harder to remember that Artie exists at all.
When Ms Holiday comes back, Santana lets Brittany talk her into talking about their feelings and she’s so grateful when they end up in the choir room in the dark because it makes it easier, even though it really isn’t. Neither of them is completely honest, but Santana closes her eyes to steady herself and admits that she’s attracted to girls. Brittany’s eyes slide sideways to hers and Santana swallows and looks away quickly.
The next day when they sing Landslide together, Santana feels like her heart has stopped beating. At first she feels everyone’s eyes on them and then, eventually, as she looks at Brittany and Brittany looks at her, she forgets they’re in the choir room and that they have an audience. She feels the tears at the corners of her eyes, and she’s silently grateful that Ms Holiday sings the words where she cannot. There’s a smile dancing around the corners of Brittany’s mouth, and there’s nothing but the sparkle of Brittany’s eyes locked with hers. Afterwards, when Santana crosses the space between them and presses her face into Brittany’s neck she savours the feel of Brittany’s strong arms around her and wishes they’d never let go. It takes about a minute for the world to crash back around them and then they sit at opposite ends of the choir room, staring at each other across the void.
The hardest thing Santana ever does is admit, in a crowded, well-lit corridor, that she loves Brittany. She can’t stop her eyes flicking from side to side and watching the people go by, but she manages to force out the words that she has only ever whispered in the dark of her bedroom. Brittany’s refusal to break up with Artie is like a knife in her gut, and every time she sees them together afterwards the knife twists in a little deeper. She always thought the phantom pain of heartbreak was romantic bullshit, but now she’s not so sure. Brittany’s eyes cut into her soul, and she can’t remember a time before she ever felt the pain of her best friend’s gaze.
Brittany tries to talk to her, but she can’t face the innocent confusion in the blonde’s voice. Santana doesn’t know how Brittany can’t understand how things have changed between them when it’s all she thinks about. She lies awake at night staring at her ceiling, ignoring the vibrations her phone makes as Brittany tries to call her. She grips the edge of her bed until her knuckles turn white and whispers I love Brittany over and over again like a mantra, until the words lose all meaning and she falls asleep.
She dances on her own in glee, and sings her harmony parts listlessly, her eyes fixed on Brittany. At first the other glee clubbers try to talk to her but after she snaps at Quinn one too many times, they learn not to bother. She’s not entirely sure why she keeps going to glee but her feet seem to carry her to the choir room of their own accord and she slumps into her chair on the back row and growls at anyone who gets too close.
She isn’t aware of Brittany sitting next to her until she looks at Artie and realises he’s on his own and surreptitiously watching her out of the corner of his eye. She glances to the side and meets Brittany’s gaze.
“Hi.”
Santana tries to smile, but it looks more like a grimace. She’s grateful that Mr Schue starts to talk then, but she’s aware of Brittany’s eyes on her and after a moment the blonde scoots her chair over and Santana feels the heat of Brittany’s leg against her own. She swallows and clenches her hands into fists.
She’s hyperaware of Brittany next to her, so it takes her a minute to tune into what Mr Schue is talking about, “…share rooms at Nationals. I’ve assigned rooms, and I don’t want to hear any arguments guys.” He runs down the list and of course he’s put her and Brittany together. It’s not like Mr Schue ever keeps up with the ever changing relationships of the glee clubbers, and she’s not entirely sure he even knows there’s anything more than friendship between them.
She’s aware of Quinn’s eyes on them and as they stand up at the end of practice Brittany whispers, “It’ll be like when we went to Cheerio competitions,” and smiles at her so brightly that Santana can’t stand it and has to look away.
Every night of the week before Nationals, Santana lies awake into the early hours of the morning thinking about Brittany. Whenever she falls asleep her traitorous mind keeps showing her images of her and Brittany pressed against each other in the dark in a hotel room in New York and each time she awakens with a jolt, she presses her fists into her eyes to try and keep herself awake and keep the images away.
It’s the worst kind of torture. They haven’t been together since Landslide but all the nights she hid in the dark seem to come back to haunt her, and she feels the weight of her secrets press against her like a physical force. She’s like a zombie at school, and she always seems to be half a beat behind the rest of the glee club when they’re practicing for Nationals. She sees more than one concerned glance aimed in her direction, and eventually Mr Schue asks if he can talk to her privately and she’s so surprised he’s taking an interest that she agrees before she realises it’ll mean talking to someone about Brittany.
She fiddles with her hands in his office, and won’t meet his eyes.
“Santana, I’m worried about you. Is everything alright?”
She shrugs and fastens her eyes on the wall behind him.
“Did something happen with you and Brittany?” His voice is so gentle she can’t stand it.
“Look Mr Schue, it’s nice that you’re taking an interest and all but nothing’s going on. Brittany’s with roller boy, and we don’t hang out any more.”
His eyes narrow when she calls Artie roller boy but he doesn’t say anything. “You know, Santana, high school relationships don’t last forever. And high school crushes last even less.”
She’s not entirely sure if he’s implying that her feelings for Brittany are nothing more than a crush, or if Brittany’s feelings for Artie are. She snorts and rolls her eyes anyway.
“You won’t feel like this forever, Santana.”
“I will as long as she’s with him.” She spits the words out and then stands up, embarrassed by her one moment of honesty. “Can I go now?”
Mr Schue nods mutely and watches her go.
On the day before they’re due to leave for New York, Mr Schue decides they’ve practiced enough for Nationals and lets them take turns singing bits of whatever songs they want. Santana sits slightly apart from everyone else, and watches mutely as they sing song after song, one person starting off and then the others joining in. They cover the usual bases - Broadway from Rachel and Kurt, top 40 from Mercedes and Quinn, classic rock from Finn and Puck - but Santana doesn’t join in once. Brittany, Mike and Tina go off to a corner to dance, and after a moment Brittany glances her way and beckons her over. Santana pointedly looks away.
She’s not sure who starts it off but pretty soon everyone is dancing and singing along to an overenthusiastic rendition of Price Tag with Mercedes and Rachel trying to outdo each other on every line. Santana feels the music tugging at her but she stays in her seat until she looks at Brittany and sees that the blonde’s eyes are fixed on her.
She sees Brittany take a deep breath and then she crosses the room and grabs Santana’s hand and pulls her to her feet. They stay frozen for a minute, joined at the hands, until Santana takes one uncertain step and then another and Brittany wraps her arms around her and makes them sway in time with the beat. Santana leans into the embrace, and her arms come up to press into Brittany’s back. Brittany sings the chorus into her ear and Santana finds herself singing along for the first time.
“I miss you,” it’s so quiet under the noise of the music that Santana isn’t sure if she’s imagined it, but when they pull apart Brittany flushes a little when she meets her gaze. Santana comes back to herself suddenly and realises that everyone’s watching them, and when Artie rolls toward them hesitantly it’s more than she can stand. She takes a step away from Brittany and avoids everyone’s eyes as she leaves.
Out in the hallway she leans her forehead against the cool metal of her locker and jumps when she feels a hand on her back. It’s Brittany, of course, because if there’s one thing her best friend was never good at it’s knowing when to quit.
“Santana,” she hates the way she reacts whenever Brittany says her name; something within her comes to attention, as though the other girl is calling her into being. She feels anger low in her belly but when she spins around to face Brittany it disappears at the look on the blonde’s face. “I miss you.”
Everything goes out of her at the sadness in Brittany’s voice, “I know.” She closes her eyes briefly, “I miss you too.”
Brittany raises her hand, and her fingertips brush against the back of Santana’s hand slowly as though Brittany thinks Santana might startle. A shudder runs through Santana at the touch, and she feels her throat tighten. “Why?” She forces the word out, “Why are you still with him?”
Brittany’s silent for a moment and then she looks away, “Yesterday, he asked me the same thing.”
Hope flares inside her, but she remembers the way Artie looked at them a moment before and tries to kill it quickly. “And what did you say?”
“I said I missed you.”
Santana swallows. “Oh.” It’s not really disappointment, because she didn’t dare to hope in the first place, but it hurts just the same.
Brittany’s fingers close around hers and Brittany takes a step closer. “I said I missed you more than I ever miss him when he goes away. And I said how sometimes my heart feels like it’s about to break when I see you standing across the room and I can’t go and talk to you. And I said that I love you.” She smiles sadly, “I love you. And I like Artie, a lot, but it’s not the same and it never was.”
“Oh.” The hope flares up within her again and this time she forgets to squash it back down. “You said you loved me?” Santana hears the wonder in her own voice, “You’re-you’re not… You broke up with him?”
Brittany nods and Santana grins like she never has before, not even when they performed at Sectionals, or when they won at Regionals, or when she was in the dark with Brittany above her and around her and inside her. She cups Brittany’s face in her hands, one thumb pressing into her cheek and the other brushing Brittany’s bottom lip, and then she pulls the blonde to her and kisses her, right there by the lockers where anyone can see. When they break apart, breathing hard, the world is still turning and no one says anything and they smile at each other like they did when they were little kids sharing a secret in the playground.
Santana goes to Brittany’s after school and they spend several hours reacquainting themselves with how they feel in the dark. At one point, Santana pulls away and crosses the room to the window. She half opens the blinds to let the light in before returning to stand shyly by the bed until Brittany grins and pulls her back down next to her.
Later, they leave the quiet world of Brittany’s room to make themselves a sandwich. When Brittany’s dad comes home and finds them standing so close their shoulders bump together each time Santana wields the knife, he just raises his eyebrows and asks mildly if they’ve made up. They look at each other for a second and then burst out laughing, holding on to each other for support. Brittany’s dad shakes his head and leaves them to it.
The next day they’re the last ones on the bus for Nationals, and Santana takes a deep breath and reaches for Brittany’s hand before they climb the steps and face the rest of the glee club. Artie looks pointedly away as they sit down but Santana is pretty sure everyone else is exchanging secret smiles, and Kurt is positively beaming at them from his place next to Mercedes. She holds Brittany’s hand, and Brittany sinks down in her seat until her head is on Santana’s shoulder. After a while Santana gently slides her hand out of Brittany’s and wraps it around the blonde’s shoulders, pulling her closer. Brittany rests her hand on Santana’s thigh and Santana tries to ignore the warm flush it sends through her.
New York is unlike anything she’s ever seen, and even though they mostly see the competition buildings and the hotel they’re staying in, it’s still exciting. Their hotel room is dark and quiet, and Santana remembers all the things she imaged them doing as she lay awake torturing herself with images of Brittany. It’s hard to believe it was only a week ago. Brittany pulls her close as soon as the door closes behind them and spins them round in a circle happily. Santana presses her face into Brittany’s neck until she can feel Brittany’s pulse point with her nose, and then she kisses Brittany’s neck until her pulse gets irregular and her hands come up and fist in her hair desperately. Santana presses her face closer and tries to breathe her in, and then Brittany is tugging at her until she turns and their lips meet hungrily as they clumsily step backwards towards the bed.
Afterwards, they lay in the dark closer than they’ve ever been, and when Santana tries to think of a secret, she realises she no longer has any. She’s given every secret she ever had to Brittany, writing them over the blonde’s body with her fingers and whispering them each time she gasps at Brittany’s touch. She raises herself up on one elbow and traces the curve of Brittany’s mouth with her finger tip before she looks into blue eyes and whispers, “I love you.”
In the morning, the sun shines through their window and illuminates them in a pool of light. Brittany blinks sleepily as Santana watches her come awake, their limbs tangled and half covered by the sheets. The light shimmers on Brittany’s blonde hair and Santana leans down to kiss her quickly, before the light disappears.