(no subject)
i don't know when i realized it, but i don't like myself anymore. i've changed so much in this past year. maybe it coems from the fact of feeling like my entire freshman year was a waste. i hear people talk about all the cool new friends they've made, all the new "best" friends they have. and i find myself trying to keep connections with people i used to know because they remind me of who i used to be. somewhere along the line this year i became depressed. not the suicidal kind, necessarily, but the "why bother" kind. nothing's important to me anymore. i dont take the time to get out of bed, get dressed or call anyone. i don't try and make plans with people, and when people call and make plans with me, i blow them off or find trivial excuses not to go. i blow off parties and invitations to things i might actually want to do.
i'm meaner now too. i can hear it when i talk and i can tell when people get pissed off at me because im always in such a bad mood. i sit around and wallow in my self-pity and self-loathing, and then call people and bitch because i feel sorry for myself.
and i've become so much more needy. i used to not care what people thought about me, but now i feel like i don't love me and no one else does either, so i need validation of it. i cry when people don't tell me they love me when i get off the phone with someone.
and i lie more too. not about important stuff and not to really important people, just about stupid things. and if it's a lie, i'll tell you flat out. sometimes i hear stuff come out of my mouth and i'm just like "wow, that wasn't even remotely true". maybe i just like pretending. i pretend that i am someone. and that i matter. because i sure as hell don't feel that way anymore. maybe pretending is just easier than accepting the fact that i suck. i used to think i was really cool. i had the best "best friend" ever. i had friends. i had a good boyfriend. i thought i was pretty. i thought i was funny. and if other people didn't think the same- fuck 'em, i still did. when i look back on last year i think about how awesome it was. but the truth is- it wasn't even all that awesome anyway. now i guess im just looking for something that wasnt tehre anyway. but it feels like it was, because the person i was last year was so much better than the person i am this year. i used to think i could make a difference. as a matter of fact, people even told me that i made a difference to them. i used to be one of those annoyingly happy people. now i have mood swings like a bitch. i have no work ethic, no drive to succeed, no drive to do anything really.
i used to think i was lucky to have friends that really knew me. i dont think anyone knows the real me anymore, not even me. i used to be lucky that i had a real, live best friend. who i cared about more than anyone. who meant more to me than anyone. who knew me and brought out the best in me. but im not the person i used to be and im not worth it any more. and i can tell and she can tell and it kills me.
and i don't know how i got this way.
and i don't know when i stopped caring.
and i don't know when i stopped liking myself.
or when i realized people stopped liking me as much.
and i honestly have no idea when i became so goddamn pathetic.
i'm meaner now too. i can hear it when i talk and i can tell when people get pissed off at me because im always in such a bad mood. i sit around and wallow in my self-pity and self-loathing, and then call people and bitch because i feel sorry for myself.
and i've become so much more needy. i used to not care what people thought about me, but now i feel like i don't love me and no one else does either, so i need validation of it. i cry when people don't tell me they love me when i get off the phone with someone.
and i lie more too. not about important stuff and not to really important people, just about stupid things. and if it's a lie, i'll tell you flat out. sometimes i hear stuff come out of my mouth and i'm just like "wow, that wasn't even remotely true". maybe i just like pretending. i pretend that i am someone. and that i matter. because i sure as hell don't feel that way anymore. maybe pretending is just easier than accepting the fact that i suck. i used to think i was really cool. i had the best "best friend" ever. i had friends. i had a good boyfriend. i thought i was pretty. i thought i was funny. and if other people didn't think the same- fuck 'em, i still did. when i look back on last year i think about how awesome it was. but the truth is- it wasn't even all that awesome anyway. now i guess im just looking for something that wasnt tehre anyway. but it feels like it was, because the person i was last year was so much better than the person i am this year. i used to think i could make a difference. as a matter of fact, people even told me that i made a difference to them. i used to be one of those annoyingly happy people. now i have mood swings like a bitch. i have no work ethic, no drive to succeed, no drive to do anything really.
i used to think i was lucky to have friends that really knew me. i dont think anyone knows the real me anymore, not even me. i used to be lucky that i had a real, live best friend. who i cared about more than anyone. who meant more to me than anyone. who knew me and brought out the best in me. but im not the person i used to be and im not worth it any more. and i can tell and she can tell and it kills me.
and i don't know how i got this way.
and i don't know when i stopped caring.
and i don't know when i stopped liking myself.
or when i realized people stopped liking me as much.
and i honestly have no idea when i became so goddamn pathetic.