7s_prompts 3.3.3. Accept
He never meant to care.
Carter was sinking, and he knew it. It had started in school, hell, he'd started traditions at St. Jude's that were still followed every year, even if strengthened by Chuck Bass, who hated the guts of him. Mainly because Carter had taught him so much, it didn't matter. They were rich boys. The world was theirs to fight it out. They had it all - and the world did at times stop to admire them, where they showed up. At least the glittery part of it that was interesting.
Except. Carter decided not to go to college; he didn't want to. It didn't seem important to him he had as much education as he wanted; he didn't need to find and hold a job, after all. His weakness were cards; no, his weakness was risk. Gambling on poker was one way in which he got his fix about that. Once his family exploded on him about his choice he disowned them for not getting it and... tried other ways. Other places.
It was dizzying. And, being able to run away, when things got too tight, he dared more, and more.
And then Serena showed up in Santorini, and it was just another thing. Just another item stolen, just another mischief managed - or almost managed, since they were caught; just another gamble (sometimes you win, sometimes you lose), just another fling. Until he woke up in the morning and she was gone. And there was a sting, he'd say, but there was actually hurt, and he wouldn't admit it to himself, because women were never supposed to be able to cause hurt. She was just another blonde. Just another rich blonde that would call him for help looking for daddy, and then get frightened when the game became more serious and ditch it all. Except the thought of it would come back at weird times. Looking out the window on a plane. Catching a scent like the perfume she used and knowing it was so.
Knowing he was an idiot for that.
When he went back to New York, he didn't even look her up. He did know it had been a mess, on the island, and she had been only sixteen, if barely that. He was actually back there to talk with his family... and to see if he could augment his income, in case that didn't work out. The talks had eventually worked out and his family had given him another chance; his plans for making money off Chuck Bass and Nate Archibald had been only partially successful, but he'd take what was going on. He took his family's offer and settled. Or... as close to it as he could. Still took small gambles, where he couldn't resist them, but more or less, played by the rules. As those went, in this strata.
And then came CeCe Rose's call about escorting Serena to the freaking Cotillion, which surprised him... a lot. That got answered easily, though, as soon as Serena showed up with her boyfriend that her grandmother had neglected to mention and that the blonde seemed very much taken with. (It suited her.) Carter supposed that Serena had neglected to mention to anyone about what had happened in Santorini. And maybe they'd get a chance to talk about it. Boyfriend or not. At the cost of a decent punch, he got that conversation. And some good, old-fashioned glamorous dancing. Rebelling against his family he might be... and into the wild life? Some things were good, and he would always appreciate them.
That was one thing. One time. Well, a couple of days, spent in the - certainly amusing, in is way - company his former underclassmen. But other than that... he was slipping. Sliding out of control again. Some of his former poker friends had showed up, and introduced him to new people. The stakes were high, and while he did win some of the time, his losses were... far beyond his granted allowance. And he didn't know how to not do it. How to stop, how to pull back. How to not be bold.
And then it got really bad, and there was Beth, and the chance to get away from the depths made his head spin and his reflexes grab for the opportunity. Gamble, again, this time with a whole family, and he got to know them pretty well. But they weren't what scared him off. It was how much Beth was in love with him. Loved him. He could play on that, and did, it was so easy it was frightening. But she did not deserve it. The more he got to know her, the more he knew it would be a bad thing, to tie her to himself. The life, he could lead, hell, the Buckleys would give him way more leeway than his parents and their trusts. But what he would - and that wasn't a case of might, he would trample her heart, one day - do to her, that was bad. And he couldn't just tell her... couldn't stop the entire damn circus.
So he did something almost as bad as eating away her happiness until the bare skeleton of the hope for it was crumbling to dust, and instead dashed the whole thing to the ground. It was still the worst thing he had ever done, and he knew it.
More than ever before, he accepted that he was a bad man, and there was no walking away from that. Darkness in himself which would break anything weak enough to bow before it.
He ran. He wandered. His family cut him off again, this time for good; he found alternative sources of income. Less risky than the cards; now he sort of preyed on women. Not on women like Beth, no. Faking kidnappings. Toying with rich girls who wanted to revenge themselves on their, ah, sometime partners. Like Blair. Blair wasn't going to fall in love with him. But she did mean to keep him around, and that, that was something.
Until Chuck decided to strike back... and brought Serena in for it.
Carter could have refused the offer. Carter could have refused the ticket, the offer to say in the clear - hell, he hadn't been in the clear for a long, long time - and brought up things about Serena that would make her regret she'd tried to bring him down. But...
But there had been steel in her eyes that glinted in a way that matched the rot in him. And for the first time in a very, very long time, he discovered the rot wasn't all that was left inside.
He didn't want to bring Serena van der Woodsen down. He wanted to... well, to fulfill her promise to her, for one. Make the mess up.
He wanted her to help him up. Which was ridiculous.
He traded his ticket for something else, anyway. And left on his search her father. And on the trail of the worst thing he had done, he tried to do the best. And when he succeeded, but it wasn't good enough because - well, because chances were Serena's father was cut from the same cloth as himself? He tried to make it up in another way. And somewhere along the way, despite himself, despite knowing that it was a bad idea, because there was a hole in him that could swallow anything good, he accepted that he did have feelings for her. And would fight for them. Against Serena's self-destructiveness. Against his own darkness.
It seemed possible. Until his sins caught up with him in the form of a charming, sassy, too-nice-seeming redhead in a limo.
Letting go was the last thing he wanted to do. After knowing, deep down, what could be... But the inevitable was coming. It was a question of time. And he'd stopped running, and that included... This.
His words to Serena were simple. He laid out the situation. He told her what he did - no embellishments, no self-justifications. Not even details that would distract her from the essence of it by worrying her about him. Just the stark truth.
And that it was different, and he did care for her. So much.
She'd told him that she wouldn't be looking for excuses to distrust him again. He believed her.
But as she drew her fingers away from his hold, Carter had to accept that he'd shattered her trust, her respect, and there was no going back.
What followed, what would follow... It didn't get anywhere near as crushing as that.
Carter was sinking, and he knew it. It had started in school, hell, he'd started traditions at St. Jude's that were still followed every year, even if strengthened by Chuck Bass, who hated the guts of him. Mainly because Carter had taught him so much, it didn't matter. They were rich boys. The world was theirs to fight it out. They had it all - and the world did at times stop to admire them, where they showed up. At least the glittery part of it that was interesting.
Except. Carter decided not to go to college; he didn't want to. It didn't seem important to him he had as much education as he wanted; he didn't need to find and hold a job, after all. His weakness were cards; no, his weakness was risk. Gambling on poker was one way in which he got his fix about that. Once his family exploded on him about his choice he disowned them for not getting it and... tried other ways. Other places.
It was dizzying. And, being able to run away, when things got too tight, he dared more, and more.
And then Serena showed up in Santorini, and it was just another thing. Just another item stolen, just another mischief managed - or almost managed, since they were caught; just another gamble (sometimes you win, sometimes you lose), just another fling. Until he woke up in the morning and she was gone. And there was a sting, he'd say, but there was actually hurt, and he wouldn't admit it to himself, because women were never supposed to be able to cause hurt. She was just another blonde. Just another rich blonde that would call him for help looking for daddy, and then get frightened when the game became more serious and ditch it all. Except the thought of it would come back at weird times. Looking out the window on a plane. Catching a scent like the perfume she used and knowing it was so.
Knowing he was an idiot for that.
When he went back to New York, he didn't even look her up. He did know it had been a mess, on the island, and she had been only sixteen, if barely that. He was actually back there to talk with his family... and to see if he could augment his income, in case that didn't work out. The talks had eventually worked out and his family had given him another chance; his plans for making money off Chuck Bass and Nate Archibald had been only partially successful, but he'd take what was going on. He took his family's offer and settled. Or... as close to it as he could. Still took small gambles, where he couldn't resist them, but more or less, played by the rules. As those went, in this strata.
And then came CeCe Rose's call about escorting Serena to the freaking Cotillion, which surprised him... a lot. That got answered easily, though, as soon as Serena showed up with her boyfriend that her grandmother had neglected to mention and that the blonde seemed very much taken with. (It suited her.) Carter supposed that Serena had neglected to mention to anyone about what had happened in Santorini. And maybe they'd get a chance to talk about it. Boyfriend or not. At the cost of a decent punch, he got that conversation. And some good, old-fashioned glamorous dancing. Rebelling against his family he might be... and into the wild life? Some things were good, and he would always appreciate them.
That was one thing. One time. Well, a couple of days, spent in the - certainly amusing, in is way - company his former underclassmen. But other than that... he was slipping. Sliding out of control again. Some of his former poker friends had showed up, and introduced him to new people. The stakes were high, and while he did win some of the time, his losses were... far beyond his granted allowance. And he didn't know how to not do it. How to stop, how to pull back. How to not be bold.
And then it got really bad, and there was Beth, and the chance to get away from the depths made his head spin and his reflexes grab for the opportunity. Gamble, again, this time with a whole family, and he got to know them pretty well. But they weren't what scared him off. It was how much Beth was in love with him. Loved him. He could play on that, and did, it was so easy it was frightening. But she did not deserve it. The more he got to know her, the more he knew it would be a bad thing, to tie her to himself. The life, he could lead, hell, the Buckleys would give him way more leeway than his parents and their trusts. But what he would - and that wasn't a case of might, he would trample her heart, one day - do to her, that was bad. And he couldn't just tell her... couldn't stop the entire damn circus.
So he did something almost as bad as eating away her happiness until the bare skeleton of the hope for it was crumbling to dust, and instead dashed the whole thing to the ground. It was still the worst thing he had ever done, and he knew it.
More than ever before, he accepted that he was a bad man, and there was no walking away from that. Darkness in himself which would break anything weak enough to bow before it.
He ran. He wandered. His family cut him off again, this time for good; he found alternative sources of income. Less risky than the cards; now he sort of preyed on women. Not on women like Beth, no. Faking kidnappings. Toying with rich girls who wanted to revenge themselves on their, ah, sometime partners. Like Blair. Blair wasn't going to fall in love with him. But she did mean to keep him around, and that, that was something.
Until Chuck decided to strike back... and brought Serena in for it.
Carter could have refused the offer. Carter could have refused the ticket, the offer to say in the clear - hell, he hadn't been in the clear for a long, long time - and brought up things about Serena that would make her regret she'd tried to bring him down. But...
But there had been steel in her eyes that glinted in a way that matched the rot in him. And for the first time in a very, very long time, he discovered the rot wasn't all that was left inside.
He didn't want to bring Serena van der Woodsen down. He wanted to... well, to fulfill her promise to her, for one. Make the mess up.
He wanted her to help him up. Which was ridiculous.
He traded his ticket for something else, anyway. And left on his search her father. And on the trail of the worst thing he had done, he tried to do the best. And when he succeeded, but it wasn't good enough because - well, because chances were Serena's father was cut from the same cloth as himself? He tried to make it up in another way. And somewhere along the way, despite himself, despite knowing that it was a bad idea, because there was a hole in him that could swallow anything good, he accepted that he did have feelings for her. And would fight for them. Against Serena's self-destructiveness. Against his own darkness.
It seemed possible. Until his sins caught up with him in the form of a charming, sassy, too-nice-seeming redhead in a limo.
Letting go was the last thing he wanted to do. After knowing, deep down, what could be... But the inevitable was coming. It was a question of time. And he'd stopped running, and that included... This.
His words to Serena were simple. He laid out the situation. He told her what he did - no embellishments, no self-justifications. Not even details that would distract her from the essence of it by worrying her about him. Just the stark truth.
And that it was different, and he did care for her. So much.
She'd told him that she wouldn't be looking for excuses to distrust him again. He believed her.
But as she drew her fingers away from his hold, Carter had to accept that he'd shattered her trust, her respect, and there was no going back.
What followed, what would follow... It didn't get anywhere near as crushing as that.