ugh
there are so many things running through me head. I need to vent. i just do not know what to think anymore. i know i say that alot but i'm so confused. Ok i thought saturday spending the day with jenny would be a good idea. Hell sunday i thought it was. I didn't want to ruin anything that day so i didn't talk about getting back together or try to make any physical contact like i usually do(hugs, arm around her etc) The day was so great and yeah i really makes me wish we were back together. Today she was all i could think about. I wanted to talk to her so bad. but i knew i couldn't. She's so happy at ISU now. She's changing into the girl i wanted her to be when we were dating. The one that goes out and has fun. She's going out and partying now which is awesome, i wish she would have wanted to do that this summer. She tells me she misses us. but she cant come back to me. I've done some personal thinking and reading in psychology. The events this summer i feel had some psychological aspects. I really have grown to dislike Kewanee. In psyk some believe that enviroment affects behavior. And i really think being in Kewanee changes how i act. I didn't want to be there at all this summer so that already gave me a kind of negative way of thinking. Then all the shit started. First it was with my parents. The separation really took its toll on me. so that made even more of an impact on my attitude. Then troubles with my friends made it even worse. I wish i would have done more positive things like work out or go for runs. Something to relief the stress instead of just sitting in my room thinking bout everything. Then when i drank all my emotions bottled up inside came out. And my stupid ass took it out on the wrong person.
I never meant to hurt her, but i did. I wish i could take my time more than anything. I've made alot of mistakes and some people say hey thats how you learn. then again its a distructive way to learn. I've not only hurt myself with my actions but i've hurt other people. I really just want to make people happy. I try to do things for other people when i can. I really dont feel like i'm a bad person. bad because of some of the things people do see they think i am. Thats why i love it here at school. No one judges me. I really dont have to deal with anything i dont want to here. I have alot of good friends that think i'm awesome. i appreciate it and i'm thankful for it when people are actually glad to see or talk to me. i'm sure none of this makes sense but i'm just getting it all out. back to the jenny stuff. i kinda wish we would have never met sometimes but then again she's been my best friend for a long time and if it wasn't for her i would have never experience what true love is. i just have this feeling she's gonna be moving on soon(i'm sure she has already started) and that's going to hurt alot but there is really nothing i can do. My friends say i need to move on. i know i need to but honestly before this summer when all the shit started me and jenny were so in love and it was perfect. i could try to move on but i dont want think there is a girl on this campus that i could ever build a relationship like me and jenny had. All the girls, i'm remotely attracted to her wouldn't give me the time of day to get to know them. whatever happened to nice girls? girls that want to know how things in ur life are going. care about how you're feeling? that's something i took advantage of. i had that and i fucked it up. just like i'm sure i'm going to fuck up alot more in my life, that's something i'm not looking foreword to. I just want my life to be complete again.i need to go to bed because i'm making myself depressed.
I never meant to hurt her, but i did. I wish i could take my time more than anything. I've made alot of mistakes and some people say hey thats how you learn. then again its a distructive way to learn. I've not only hurt myself with my actions but i've hurt other people. I really just want to make people happy. I try to do things for other people when i can. I really dont feel like i'm a bad person. bad because of some of the things people do see they think i am. Thats why i love it here at school. No one judges me. I really dont have to deal with anything i dont want to here. I have alot of good friends that think i'm awesome. i appreciate it and i'm thankful for it when people are actually glad to see or talk to me. i'm sure none of this makes sense but i'm just getting it all out. back to the jenny stuff. i kinda wish we would have never met sometimes but then again she's been my best friend for a long time and if it wasn't for her i would have never experience what true love is. i just have this feeling she's gonna be moving on soon(i'm sure she has already started) and that's going to hurt alot but there is really nothing i can do. My friends say i need to move on. i know i need to but honestly before this summer when all the shit started me and jenny were so in love and it was perfect. i could try to move on but i dont want think there is a girl on this campus that i could ever build a relationship like me and jenny had. All the girls, i'm remotely attracted to her wouldn't give me the time of day to get to know them. whatever happened to nice girls? girls that want to know how things in ur life are going. care about how you're feeling? that's something i took advantage of. i had that and i fucked it up. just like i'm sure i'm going to fuck up alot more in my life, that's something i'm not looking foreword to. I just want my life to be complete again.i need to go to bed because i'm making myself depressed.