(no subject)
For as long as I can remeber things have always been so difficult for me..........
Heres a lil bit about my life story for anyone who really cares....
My childhood is really blurry. I know I was picked on alot because I lived in a trailer and didn't have alot of money. I was raped at a very young age by my cuzin... yea gross....When I think about my childhood all I can seem to think about are the things that I would love to forget. I watched my real dad come in and out of my life for as long as I can remember. It hurt me alot and has alot to do with all the problems that I have. I was young and didn't understand how he could just not be apart of my life like that. I thought that he didn't want nothing to do with me because I was a girl or was it because I wasn't good enough for him to love me?..... I felt a big part of me was missing.
My step dad has always been around and said that I would always be his kid but I still felt as if I wasn't loved as much as my sisters and brother. Still till this day I feel like that. I'll never forget the day my mom told me and Krystyn that there was going to be an addition to our family, I was 7. We lived in rudgate, and that trailer was deffinetly not big enough for all of us. They picked us up from the bus stop in a red car and when we got in the car they said to us "your gonna have a lil brother or sister". Then a few months into my moms pregnancy she found out that she was having twins..
I was jelous of them at first because tehy were getting all of the attention and every free moment was spent with them. Soon after that my mom and dad began to fight all the time and I dont mean arguing they were full blown out punches being thrown. It was happening everynight. I heard and seen so many fucked up things that they did to one another. All I could do was listen and watch and think to myself that no one in his world should see their parents fight the way they did. I tried to limit my sisters and brother from seeing the things that I seen but even then I still couldnt keep them from all of it. The police were at our house frequently. The fights that I remeber the most would be when my mom pushed my dad into our glass table in the living room. There was shatterd glass and blood all over. I can still hear him saying "can somone help me pick this fucking glass out of my legs and my back?" and for some reason I remeber being affraid. Not even a year later my mom met this guy named Chuck. Chuck gave my mom a job and started taking her to canada to play bingo with him. She would go almost everynight it seemed like. When she was off playing bingo we were left home with dad, I didn't get along with him I hated him. He gave me a black eye twice and from then on I was deathly affraid of him.
A year passed and I was in 4th grade still gettin picked on. I came home from school dreading to ever go back. Then it Happend my mom was sittin outside when I came home from school and broke the bad new to me that she was filing for divorce. At that instant I felt relived, relived that finally all the physical, mental and emotional abuse would stop. Thats just it, it never stopped and still hasn't till this day. My dad hasn't physically abused me in a few years but emotionally and mentally it still happens and always will. Thats where I get my negativity from. In 6th grade things all fell apart. Mom had a job to keep and I had to play the role as mom to my younger siblings, it was hard for me. My dad would pick the kids up on the weekends and I can remember crying everytime I had to go with him, cause I didnt feel like I belonged when I was with him. I felt excludded from everything and everyone. My best friend was my mom I could talk to her about anything, but no one really understands what is going on in my life. Life went on and so did I.
In 8th grade things got even better then what they were. I moved to Tennessee to live with my aunt.. It was for the better for me and I miss it there so damn much. If I could go back there I would be gone and never look back.......... I have anger issues up the wazoo because of all this and I cant control them very well... I need help and I need to get medicine for my problem with concentration too i guess Im just one fucked up lil girl........... wow i think i wrote enough and if anyone wants to know more fill free to ask...........