Stress, Pressure, Relief, Relax.
Let it go...
I'm finding that to be a good mantra for myself these days.
Bring it on...
That's a close second, but it's more my call to answer a challenge than to get into a fight.
It's very strange to me how a physical change, a new set of circumstances, and being really happy can change so much of my outlook.
The physical change I underwent was that my horrible, abused and neglected shoulder finally decided to give way. It's at least a Grade II, maybe even a Grade III ligamentous tear of the acromium of the scapular from the clavicle. A 'separated shoulder'.
So I'll never fight in the UFC, and play wrestling around with friends will be tentative at best.
Meh. If it gets really REALLY bad, I'll get a surgery and fix it.
I now have a job that is very high pressure, high volume, and in state of expansion/revision flux. But its close by where I live, my skill set is being more fully used for the first time in 2 years, my boss is easy going, my coworkers are reliable and kind, plus I may have a chance to own this business some day. It's a wonderful change from all the other places I have worked. And consistent money is nice to have.
My relationships, are doing well for the majority. I love two people. They know it. I know it. But there is conflict, and it's one I don't seem to be able to solve or resolve no matter how much I try, talk, or compromise. The idea of keeping all things 'separate by equal' has historically been shown to be an utter failure. So, I'll adapt, things will change and eventually it will all work out for better or worse. I hope for the better, but I prepare for the worse.
A little over a year ago, I made friends with an entirely new social group. I like them, they seem to like me, and I make more and more friends by the month. Not just people online, not just people all in the same place out of habit, but people I want to talk to and get to know. People I have a kinship with. Not only that, but friends like Rumnera, Blue Chaos, Sean, Jen and Jason are all people I wanted to keep from before, connect with, and not feel ashamed about who I am or what I want. And they are all still here.
It's very nice feeling accepted.
I'm not medicated, I'm not delusional, I'm not dreaming. This is what happiness feels like.
I find that my key for dealing is to talk about it, make jokes, and not let life get too damn serious all the time. If I can joke about something, if I can make my dark thought verbalized into the absurdity that they are then it's not real anymore. I don't always do this successfully, but I'm trying.
The dark places I go to, are just glances from a much better place with a great view of so much more out there. And even in that landscape I do find myself thinking worthless thoughts from time to time.
The thoughts of REVENGE! come out a lot for some reason. Maybe like the dream of climbing a mountain, its something I won't do but I think about it.
And then nothing. Nothing happens.
All the ammo, all the swords, all the knives in the back, all the thermal nuclear weapons... they sit covered in dust. Fading, forgotten, not worth the effort.
I'm learning to let go.
And it feels really good. Just let it slide, it doesn't matter...
It doesn't matter.
My old instinct as a fighter, as a raging bitter depressive, was to lash out at those who try to fuck with what little serenity I could find. To stab the hypocrites and liars not in the back, but in the front.
Now just let someone try and take something from me.
I'll smile and offer them lemonade while they toil away.
My happiness is too big to move.
I'm finding that to be a good mantra for myself these days.
Bring it on...
That's a close second, but it's more my call to answer a challenge than to get into a fight.
It's very strange to me how a physical change, a new set of circumstances, and being really happy can change so much of my outlook.
The physical change I underwent was that my horrible, abused and neglected shoulder finally decided to give way. It's at least a Grade II, maybe even a Grade III ligamentous tear of the acromium of the scapular from the clavicle. A 'separated shoulder'.
So I'll never fight in the UFC, and play wrestling around with friends will be tentative at best.
Meh. If it gets really REALLY bad, I'll get a surgery and fix it.
I now have a job that is very high pressure, high volume, and in state of expansion/revision flux. But its close by where I live, my skill set is being more fully used for the first time in 2 years, my boss is easy going, my coworkers are reliable and kind, plus I may have a chance to own this business some day. It's a wonderful change from all the other places I have worked. And consistent money is nice to have.
My relationships, are doing well for the majority. I love two people. They know it. I know it. But there is conflict, and it's one I don't seem to be able to solve or resolve no matter how much I try, talk, or compromise. The idea of keeping all things 'separate by equal' has historically been shown to be an utter failure. So, I'll adapt, things will change and eventually it will all work out for better or worse. I hope for the better, but I prepare for the worse.
A little over a year ago, I made friends with an entirely new social group. I like them, they seem to like me, and I make more and more friends by the month. Not just people online, not just people all in the same place out of habit, but people I want to talk to and get to know. People I have a kinship with. Not only that, but friends like Rumnera, Blue Chaos, Sean, Jen and Jason are all people I wanted to keep from before, connect with, and not feel ashamed about who I am or what I want. And they are all still here.
It's very nice feeling accepted.
I'm not medicated, I'm not delusional, I'm not dreaming. This is what happiness feels like.
I find that my key for dealing is to talk about it, make jokes, and not let life get too damn serious all the time. If I can joke about something, if I can make my dark thought verbalized into the absurdity that they are then it's not real anymore. I don't always do this successfully, but I'm trying.
The dark places I go to, are just glances from a much better place with a great view of so much more out there. And even in that landscape I do find myself thinking worthless thoughts from time to time.
The thoughts of REVENGE! come out a lot for some reason. Maybe like the dream of climbing a mountain, its something I won't do but I think about it.
And then nothing. Nothing happens.
All the ammo, all the swords, all the knives in the back, all the thermal nuclear weapons... they sit covered in dust. Fading, forgotten, not worth the effort.
I'm learning to let go.
And it feels really good. Just let it slide, it doesn't matter...
It doesn't matter.
My old instinct as a fighter, as a raging bitter depressive, was to lash out at those who try to fuck with what little serenity I could find. To stab the hypocrites and liars not in the back, but in the front.
Now just let someone try and take something from me.
I'll smile and offer them lemonade while they toil away.
My happiness is too big to move.