Health
I've never had any severe health problems in my life. Aside from long term crippling depression that I got a strong handle on after I got out of college. I still have my week, or even my months where I'm not good in my own head, but even those are getting manageable.
This week though I got a nice trip through the health care system. My parotid glands swelled up like tennis balls. Open my mouth was hard, eating was murder, and several days I woke up with my throat dangerously close to swelled shut and lacking the ability to swallow.
I tried to keep calm, took days off of work to see doctor, make trips to the emergency room, and I'm happy I have decent insurance. I didn't like missing work, but that's what I had to do. Now that I'm on prednisone, anti biotics, ibuprofen, and the occasional vicodin I'm feeling better. Not well, not healed, just better.
The doctors had lots of theories of what it could have been. Tumors, abscesses, bacterial infection, Mono, strep, the mumps (unlikely but the had to check), amylase overload.. and all of them ended up with a red check in the Negative box. All that medical treatment, still no idea of what caused this sudden painful annoying swelling. No other real symptoms either.
So now it's being treated a bit like an allergy and bacterial infection, which I hope clears it up. My face looked like I had gained 50 lbs, or had been through a fight with Mike Tyson. Either way, I kept away from people, and out of sight. I didn't like doing a Chris Farley impression, and I didn't know if was possibly contagious. So no Berry Girl, No SunShine, No Rasta Fairy, No ConCord, No party at Nate G's, No photoshoots, No Griffin, NOTHING... I became a nice anti social troll this week.
It did allow me to catch up on my reading, if not my sleep. Every time I slept the swelling got worse and I awoke feeling like someone was choking me. So, no eating, no sleeping. What's a guy to do.
I realized something as I was reading books, blogs, and emails. I realized that while I dislike stupid people, it's really a certain kind of stupidity that just chafes me like no other. People who walk in circles. That's what I dislike.
I dislike liars. I fucking despise hypocrites with a passion. And people who walk in circles just make me want to give up on the planet at times. I know I shouldn't care, but when people whom I love fall into this category it's hard not to care.
Not only that, I've learned to recognize that kind of behavior and avoid it. It's a big reason as to why I'm finally happy, and healthier mentally than I've ever been. I stopped walking my circle. I stopped treating every relationship the same way, with the same outcomes, the same patronage, stopped dating the same sort of person who just fed off attention and victim hood. I stopped finding the kind of person who never moved past a certain point in their life and hated time moving past them.
Sadly I had to go through one good relationship with my head still fucked up. Therapy helped in clearing that up. More than just going and talking, I went and listened. I finally found a good therapist, someone who will let me go all out, but can remind me where my feet rest. I'm lucky to have her.
Someone reminded me that Hatred takes up too much energy, and wastes time. So while I don't hate people, save a select few who go out of their way to directly fuck with my life, I do react in a very negative way to liars, hypocrites, and circle walkers. I do not tolerate them well, if at all.
And I'm happy I'm none of those things anymore. I know those actions were part of the reason I didn't like myself for a long time, and wasn't happy with myself. I lied to myself. I didn't follow the advice I gave others myself. I went back to bad situations.
Not any more.
And it feels so good.
I'm not wasting anymore life being unhappy when I don't have to be.
This week though I got a nice trip through the health care system. My parotid glands swelled up like tennis balls. Open my mouth was hard, eating was murder, and several days I woke up with my throat dangerously close to swelled shut and lacking the ability to swallow.
I tried to keep calm, took days off of work to see doctor, make trips to the emergency room, and I'm happy I have decent insurance. I didn't like missing work, but that's what I had to do. Now that I'm on prednisone, anti biotics, ibuprofen, and the occasional vicodin I'm feeling better. Not well, not healed, just better.
The doctors had lots of theories of what it could have been. Tumors, abscesses, bacterial infection, Mono, strep, the mumps (unlikely but the had to check), amylase overload.. and all of them ended up with a red check in the Negative box. All that medical treatment, still no idea of what caused this sudden painful annoying swelling. No other real symptoms either.
So now it's being treated a bit like an allergy and bacterial infection, which I hope clears it up. My face looked like I had gained 50 lbs, or had been through a fight with Mike Tyson. Either way, I kept away from people, and out of sight. I didn't like doing a Chris Farley impression, and I didn't know if was possibly contagious. So no Berry Girl, No SunShine, No Rasta Fairy, No ConCord, No party at Nate G's, No photoshoots, No Griffin, NOTHING... I became a nice anti social troll this week.
It did allow me to catch up on my reading, if not my sleep. Every time I slept the swelling got worse and I awoke feeling like someone was choking me. So, no eating, no sleeping. What's a guy to do.
I realized something as I was reading books, blogs, and emails. I realized that while I dislike stupid people, it's really a certain kind of stupidity that just chafes me like no other. People who walk in circles. That's what I dislike.
I dislike liars. I fucking despise hypocrites with a passion. And people who walk in circles just make me want to give up on the planet at times. I know I shouldn't care, but when people whom I love fall into this category it's hard not to care.
Not only that, I've learned to recognize that kind of behavior and avoid it. It's a big reason as to why I'm finally happy, and healthier mentally than I've ever been. I stopped walking my circle. I stopped treating every relationship the same way, with the same outcomes, the same patronage, stopped dating the same sort of person who just fed off attention and victim hood. I stopped finding the kind of person who never moved past a certain point in their life and hated time moving past them.
Sadly I had to go through one good relationship with my head still fucked up. Therapy helped in clearing that up. More than just going and talking, I went and listened. I finally found a good therapist, someone who will let me go all out, but can remind me where my feet rest. I'm lucky to have her.
Someone reminded me that Hatred takes up too much energy, and wastes time. So while I don't hate people, save a select few who go out of their way to directly fuck with my life, I do react in a very negative way to liars, hypocrites, and circle walkers. I do not tolerate them well, if at all.
And I'm happy I'm none of those things anymore. I know those actions were part of the reason I didn't like myself for a long time, and wasn't happy with myself. I lied to myself. I didn't follow the advice I gave others myself. I went back to bad situations.
Not any more.
And it feels so good.
I'm not wasting anymore life being unhappy when I don't have to be.