Headache
I was talking to my mom earlier, and she mentioned something from when she was little. She said when she used to go to the park there would be a girl there of about 9 with no arms. My mother was probably 5 or 6 at the time, and once she saw the girl crying, so she asked her what was wrong. The girl said that no one wanted to play with her because she had no arms, they just made fun of her. My mom said, "I'll play with you," and so everyday when she went to the park she used to sit next to the girl that was born with no arms and keep her company. To be honest, if it wasn't for my own mother, I would have no faith in humanity. Sometimes I worry because I know she'll sacrifice her own life for a stranger, without even thinking about it. It makes me worry about her. People are so cruel. Many of them probably don't deserve to be saved.
Sometimes I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach out of no where that makes me want to just bend over and puke. It's raw emotion, and I realize that it is an intense and concentrated form of shame and embarrassment, that I usually repress. When this happens, I try to think of something, anything to make it go away, but it just has to fade with time. I try to figure out why it happens, and the thought will arise in my mind that I'm just ashamed to be human. It's like a sudden and awful burst of self awareness. I'll start to feel very alone and get this strange fear, and an urge to just crawl away and die somewhere, just be unseen. Human beings may be complex, but that does not make them good or God-like. I don't consider myself a "bad person," but I'll ever be able to fulfill my desire to bring myself to a higher level, more worthy of life. Don't get me wrong though, I don't see anyone as being above me, or below me either.
I watched The Happening at Magnolia with my parents today. It wasn't so bad. What I found interesting is how it mentioned that honey bees are disappearing off the face of the earth and they're not even finding bodies, which is true. Albert Einstein said “If the bee disappears off the surface of the globe, then man would only have four years of life left.” It was written on the board in the movie, and I happened to catch it. I wanted to see if he had actually said that, and he did. Honeybees are actually responsible for a lot. I read that the french government said, I believe last year(?), that the existence of honeybees have declined 60%. If for some crazy reason bees ended up disappearing soon, I noticed in 4 years it would be 2012, the infamous year they say the world is going to end. You know, December 21, 2012. If you don't know about it I'm surprised, because I've heard it mentioned a million different times. You should look it up. I'm not superstitious, but I think it's pretty cool.
I guess that's basically all I felt the need to write, except that I've been having some very long and vivid dreams lately. I can remember everything, colors and feelings and words. It's pretty cool. Unless of course it's a shitty dream, then it's not cool.