Beach&stuff
I've often considered writing my thoughts over the past few days, but then the desire usually passes quickly, although it seems the things I'm thinking about keep forming into a larger and larger mass and it becomes harder to avoid them. The thought that I may be going insane comes to mind a lot more often. I've realized I'm becoming more and more anxious and I can't find the source of the problem. I fear it's just a part of getting older, but I can't except that trait. The repercussions of being wrong about anything keep getting over exaggerated in my mind. I'm starting to feel that everyday I'm being fed information that I can't quite handle. I'm becoming more aware of everyone around me and sometimes I feel that I can pick up on their thoughts, desires, fears, and intentions like radio waves. If people could know what I was thinking most of the time, no one would ever want to be around me. I find myself analyzing and judging the people more often and to avoid that I try and pull that concentration inside, and find my own faults to keep my mind busy. I think I'm starting to find things about myself I've been repressing. I fear that the next person I'm close to that makes me angry is going to cause me to throw everything I see that they've been hiding from themselves in their faces and the consequences of that are very serious. I don't know if what I'm picking up on from others is anything reflecting reality. It could quite possibly be creating itself from my need to find connections through everything. I'm starting to feel like I have some huge moral obligation towards mankind in general and I don't know what it would even be, but it has a lot to do with patience. Lately interaction with many people seems like such a difficult task. It can be exhausting. It makes me feel like I'm becoming like my parents who can't handle people at all and so they only have each other. Other days I feel very social and I can strike up a conversation with anyone and feel good about it. I feel like there are two halves of myself just at constant battle with each other. Even in my head I talk to myself as if there were two minds at work when I have conflicting thoughts, which is often, and that is something I have done since birth. There are so many things I don't tell anyone and it makes me feel very heavy but grounded. When I share too much I feel like I'm going to blow away. I've become very hostile with my the way that I am, as crazy as that sounds. People that make an effort to be more like me or anyone else annoy me very badly. There are so many people that don't know who they are, and lie about what they like. I know that there are. And they're probably not conscious of it at all. So many things annoy me. Relationship dependent people, people that argue for the sake of arguing, people that think they're so artistic and don't realize that everyone in the world was born with creativity. I always want to tell people that boast, "anyone can do what you can do, with practice." People that talk about how good they look irritate me as well. People will do all things to get themselves envied. And I am not perfect. I know this very well. It does not seem to change these things that cross my mind, but it does make me attempt to be very tolerant and keep very quiet about them. I do not think I am a good person much of the time, but I am not, under any circumstances, a bad person. I don't even know if "bad" people even exist. I don't think they do. I think some are just confused. I can go so much further with all this pointless bullshit but I think I should stop here, it's not like most people are going to read this anyway. I kind of hope they don't.
On a much more sane note, things with Jason are going extremely smoothly. It's been about 10 months since we've been back together now. We've both gotten so much wiser when it comes to our relationship. I feel that he is trusting me more with each passing day and is in turn willing to share more of his life with me. The time when we were apart was very long and very confusing, and I don't think either of us should be held accountable for the things that were said that may have been damaging.
And finally, I am just going to briefly mention that my future seems extremely hazy and incredibly unpredictable in all aspects at this point in my life. And despite me trying desperately to understand my thoughts and raise my level of consciousness to understand everything about the world around me (impossible), I have been feeling quite content. I just wish I had more time to practice the arts I love so much.
He was trying to eat a fish that was too big for him. It was pretty funny.
Milissa
Look at that fatty.
& whatever
awesome