You will not abandon my soul to sheol
One of my friends asked me what was on my bucket list yesterday, and that helped the reality of what I am doing sink in. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said "When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die," an earlier distinction for monastic life was the 'white martyrdom' etc. I don't really have anything on my bucket list except to not mess up. I guess if I thought I had a few more decades in the world to live I'd come up with something, but there isn't really anything I want enough right now other than to not mess up. For a while when I was visiting family with my brother and whatnot, there was a sense that I was kind of trying to recapture bygone days and hold onto them forever, but needed to realize that they are gone and I need to move on with my life. They'd be gone whether I was entering a monastery or not.
When I consider the thoughts, memories, and temptations that have been coming to me lately, it makes me very grateful for how good the Lord has been to me. In some ways he has allowed me to be raised in adversity already, and until now I don't think I have fallen too far. During crisis moments in my life I have seriously considered whether or not I was mentally ill, and given the environment when I am living my mom, at least once yesterday the thought crossed my mind that there have been people who have *murdered* their parents for much less. In a moment of trial yesterday I mustered the strength to be weak and went into my room to punch the mattress a few times and cry. My prayer was "God, help me be good. You are worth this suffering, and I will accept it gratefully if only you will help me to do so and help me be good. If you won't help me to be strong and accept it properly, then please take it back."
Also, a few days ago while I was still in Tally I remember reflecting on how, in the last two years I've been attending the church near my mom's house when visiting, no one has really stopped to talk to me and ask me who I was. A nice hello here and there, or a smile or some other acknowledgment, but that's about it. I told the Lord that it would be nice if he could show me that he is present in that parish by having someone talk to me while I was there. It didn't need to be so I can reveal that I was planning on entering a monastery or anything, just a "Hi, what's your name? What are you doing in town?" or something like that. Interestingly enough, when I was still in Gainesville after visiting my brother, my mom called to tell me she'd met a sister from that church and was talking with her about how she (the sister) wants to go to nursing school and how I want to be a nun. Yesterday I met that sister. Not only did she ask me about myself, but it also came after some weird feelings about the celebrant for which I had to reprimand myself. A friend of mine has been writing a lot about all the scandal in the Miami Archdiocese and I think I have been reading too much of it and letting it get to me. I don't think there should be any laxity in such matters, but I also don't think I should feel as if I've been given leave to be judgmental towards people who are already weak humans in the first place.
PS I really want to get the soundtrack to Of Gods and Men. I watched it at the suggestion of Mr. Dominican (he had a break from seminary formation and we met for coffee the other day), and liked it a lot. That night I journaled a little bit, kind of to just officially lay down the line and let the Lord know that no, I do not in fact have actual feelings for him. I have a great affection for him, and if I was pressed for some strange, apocalyptic reason to start looking for a mate I might start with him, but other than that I'd rather compare it to the love that St. Francis and St. Clare or Bl. Jordan of Saxony and Bl. Diana d'Andalo probably had for each other. I was very glad that I didn't even let his doubts about his vocation creep in. On that note, why doesn't anyone ever get angry at the Devil? He is the one who is the source of all our pain after all. It's not entirely his fault since we choose when to give in to him, but he is the father of it all. I think that is something I will try to focus on more. I don't think venting one's anger at or towards God is without merit since it at least usually turns you toward him, but I think it gives you a greater perspective when you realize how angry you should be with the Devil for tricking us so.
When I consider the thoughts, memories, and temptations that have been coming to me lately, it makes me very grateful for how good the Lord has been to me. In some ways he has allowed me to be raised in adversity already, and until now I don't think I have fallen too far. During crisis moments in my life I have seriously considered whether or not I was mentally ill, and given the environment when I am living my mom, at least once yesterday the thought crossed my mind that there have been people who have *murdered* their parents for much less. In a moment of trial yesterday I mustered the strength to be weak and went into my room to punch the mattress a few times and cry. My prayer was "God, help me be good. You are worth this suffering, and I will accept it gratefully if only you will help me to do so and help me be good. If you won't help me to be strong and accept it properly, then please take it back."
Also, a few days ago while I was still in Tally I remember reflecting on how, in the last two years I've been attending the church near my mom's house when visiting, no one has really stopped to talk to me and ask me who I was. A nice hello here and there, or a smile or some other acknowledgment, but that's about it. I told the Lord that it would be nice if he could show me that he is present in that parish by having someone talk to me while I was there. It didn't need to be so I can reveal that I was planning on entering a monastery or anything, just a "Hi, what's your name? What are you doing in town?" or something like that. Interestingly enough, when I was still in Gainesville after visiting my brother, my mom called to tell me she'd met a sister from that church and was talking with her about how she (the sister) wants to go to nursing school and how I want to be a nun. Yesterday I met that sister. Not only did she ask me about myself, but it also came after some weird feelings about the celebrant for which I had to reprimand myself. A friend of mine has been writing a lot about all the scandal in the Miami Archdiocese and I think I have been reading too much of it and letting it get to me. I don't think there should be any laxity in such matters, but I also don't think I should feel as if I've been given leave to be judgmental towards people who are already weak humans in the first place.
PS I really want to get the soundtrack to Of Gods and Men. I watched it at the suggestion of Mr. Dominican (he had a break from seminary formation and we met for coffee the other day), and liked it a lot. That night I journaled a little bit, kind of to just officially lay down the line and let the Lord know that no, I do not in fact have actual feelings for him. I have a great affection for him, and if I was pressed for some strange, apocalyptic reason to start looking for a mate I might start with him, but other than that I'd rather compare it to the love that St. Francis and St. Clare or Bl. Jordan of Saxony and Bl. Diana d'Andalo probably had for each other. I was very glad that I didn't even let his doubts about his vocation creep in. On that note, why doesn't anyone ever get angry at the Devil? He is the one who is the source of all our pain after all. It's not entirely his fault since we choose when to give in to him, but he is the father of it all. I think that is something I will try to focus on more. I don't think venting one's anger at or towards God is without merit since it at least usually turns you toward him, but I think it gives you a greater perspective when you realize how angry you should be with the Devil for tricking us so.