Arrrrgh!
Dear Kathryn,
I too prayed that you had a Happy Easter and felt the love of our Risen Lord.
I think that you should just relax and live each day as God presents it to you. Leave the discernment to Him. He will guide you as long as you remain faithful to Him.
Perhaps, eventually, you may consider having another period of aspirancy here with us if you still feel inclined to the cloistered contemplative life. You did have a positive experience the first time. doing this may settle your mind one way or another. You are young and have plenty of time to sort things out. So there is no need to rush.
Know that you are always in our prayers and ask our Dear Lord to guide you daily on your journey through life. He is the wonderful Good Shepherd and you are His fragile, little lamb and He will carry you all through your journey through life.
With love and prayers,
Sr. Mary Rose
That's the e-mail I got from Sr. Mary Rose. Soooo frustrating! I kind of want to cry =( Part of me wants to write back something like "Dear Sr. Mary Rose; If you asked me to enter tomorrow and I could have all my affairs settled by then, I would say yes. I want to get this done with as soon as possible. As much as I have known anything, I know that this is what God wants me to do. I recognize that this may just be my impulsiveness, but God has not directly revealed anything to me to the contrary. I know he would show me the way if I had to stay where I am now, but I don't have any particular prospects on the line, I don't see a whole lot of good I could do here right now that would be convincingly much better than what I could do as a nun (though obviously I could be wrong, but how am I to know?), and I am in agony about all of this. God has been telling me, I think, on an almost day to day basis, that he wants me to pursue the contemplative life but at this point there is not much more I can do to respond. Blessings, Kathryn"
When I think about trying to run from God and doing the opposite of what I think he wants me to do (eg running off somewhere to do missions abroad or getting a new degree, leaving my job to volunteer somewhere, dating and looking for a husband, etc.) it doesn't sit well with me, and besides that there are way too many options to easily pick one. In a way I'm glad that he has made rebelling against him difficult. Despite my frustration, this has all been a great blessing, but in particular when I realize just how agonizingly frustrated I am but how much more greatly he is worth it all. That just about reduces me to tears. Even if I don't immediately feel it, I *know* by default that he is better than it all and that he's worth it, and that somehow makes everything better. It is a great grace, though, and I know that things like this don't come as easily to everyone. For me, however, the greater the struggle, the greater I realize is the love of God. It helps me to ask for suffering and to remember to honor the times I have already asked for it and not to forswear myself.
I almost want to print out this letter to read to my spiritual director. Either way, just going by how I feel right now I think I might end up crying in his office or coming very close to it. That's not my style though, so I'm kind of hoping that Mass will help me to man up right before we meet.
Really though, I need to remind myself of what I have said several times already: I don't like the idea of the day to day, but I am still incredibly blessed that I nonetheless have all of my needs taken care of. I have some semblance of a community, I have a good, accessible church to go to regularly, I'm active in some form of ministry, I have a job, I'm healthy etc. Part of me thinks that saying all of this is a cop out for letting myself be vulnerable (really, I don't give people enough credit who have the courage to rail against God and/or simply pour their hearts out about how miserable they are, but as far as being spiritually beneficial or healthy I'm still not thoroughly convinced about which approach is best), but part of me really does need to recognize this truth.
Here's to hoping...
I too prayed that you had a Happy Easter and felt the love of our Risen Lord.
I think that you should just relax and live each day as God presents it to you. Leave the discernment to Him. He will guide you as long as you remain faithful to Him.
Perhaps, eventually, you may consider having another period of aspirancy here with us if you still feel inclined to the cloistered contemplative life. You did have a positive experience the first time. doing this may settle your mind one way or another. You are young and have plenty of time to sort things out. So there is no need to rush.
Know that you are always in our prayers and ask our Dear Lord to guide you daily on your journey through life. He is the wonderful Good Shepherd and you are His fragile, little lamb and He will carry you all through your journey through life.
With love and prayers,
Sr. Mary Rose
That's the e-mail I got from Sr. Mary Rose. Soooo frustrating! I kind of want to cry =( Part of me wants to write back something like "Dear Sr. Mary Rose; If you asked me to enter tomorrow and I could have all my affairs settled by then, I would say yes. I want to get this done with as soon as possible. As much as I have known anything, I know that this is what God wants me to do. I recognize that this may just be my impulsiveness, but God has not directly revealed anything to me to the contrary. I know he would show me the way if I had to stay where I am now, but I don't have any particular prospects on the line, I don't see a whole lot of good I could do here right now that would be convincingly much better than what I could do as a nun (though obviously I could be wrong, but how am I to know?), and I am in agony about all of this. God has been telling me, I think, on an almost day to day basis, that he wants me to pursue the contemplative life but at this point there is not much more I can do to respond. Blessings, Kathryn"
When I think about trying to run from God and doing the opposite of what I think he wants me to do (eg running off somewhere to do missions abroad or getting a new degree, leaving my job to volunteer somewhere, dating and looking for a husband, etc.) it doesn't sit well with me, and besides that there are way too many options to easily pick one. In a way I'm glad that he has made rebelling against him difficult. Despite my frustration, this has all been a great blessing, but in particular when I realize just how agonizingly frustrated I am but how much more greatly he is worth it all. That just about reduces me to tears. Even if I don't immediately feel it, I *know* by default that he is better than it all and that he's worth it, and that somehow makes everything better. It is a great grace, though, and I know that things like this don't come as easily to everyone. For me, however, the greater the struggle, the greater I realize is the love of God. It helps me to ask for suffering and to remember to honor the times I have already asked for it and not to forswear myself.
I almost want to print out this letter to read to my spiritual director. Either way, just going by how I feel right now I think I might end up crying in his office or coming very close to it. That's not my style though, so I'm kind of hoping that Mass will help me to man up right before we meet.
Really though, I need to remind myself of what I have said several times already: I don't like the idea of the day to day, but I am still incredibly blessed that I nonetheless have all of my needs taken care of. I have some semblance of a community, I have a good, accessible church to go to regularly, I'm active in some form of ministry, I have a job, I'm healthy etc. Part of me thinks that saying all of this is a cop out for letting myself be vulnerable (really, I don't give people enough credit who have the courage to rail against God and/or simply pour their hearts out about how miserable they are, but as far as being spiritually beneficial or healthy I'm still not thoroughly convinced about which approach is best), but part of me really does need to recognize this truth.
Here's to hoping...