Armed robbery, as opposed to an amputee with a ski-mask holding a note in his teeth
The phone rang.
I said hello.
Thus far, everything had gone as expected.
"Hello?" came a timid, female voice on the other end.
My mind spun to process this voice before said person would realize I didn't have a fucking clue who they be.
Sounded like Sanum.
"Hey!", I said, careful not to call Sanum by name, in the event that it was actually a castrated male friend of mine that desperately needed to not be confused with a woman for the duration of this phone call.
"Hi..." came the voice again, offering no help towards establishing an identity.
"..this is Nikki.."
A-HAH! Nikki I can work with, only so many of those, and the voice now strikes especially familiar with one Nikki in particular. An old and long-lost Nikki but a fond Nikki from before. A nice Nikki. A former ex-girlfriend Nikki, my first upon making it to middle school. My first real social contact of anyone besides what few friends of her talked her into going out with me.
Interesting that she'd call, as the last time she had was 6th grade, if she ever had at all. Perhaps once since I've known her.
"Hey! I haven't heard from you in awhile.." I said, always prepared to paint a dazzling picture of the obvious for someone as a means of making conversation. "What's up?" Shit, I was running out of reserves as far as conversational banter. What the fuck do you say to a girl without being flirty? All flirtaciousness gone from my body, dear sweet Jesus tooth-pickin' Christ what in the great unraveling fuck d I say?
"Not much," she replies sweetly, "what about you?"
Somehow I didn't find it in socially good taste to say "Trying to figure out why the fuck you called me", as it would naturally seem far more hostile than as it came screaming in echo from my mind.
"Hey, glad to hear from you! It's been a long time..." I say again, dear God am I making it too obvious I have no idea what the fuck to say? It's been a long time since what? We were twelve? You broke up with me? Your friends told me I called you too much and my enthusiasm to having something resembling a relationship drove you madly into the hills.
"Yeah... here's the thing..." she says... and I pay close attention.
"I spent all of last night dreaming about you... and I kept waking up like, 'why do I keep having dreams about this kid.' So I had to call you."
"Awww... that's sweet." I say, because it sounds like something someone else would say if someone else was me. "That's really cool... I wouldn't have had the balls to do that..."
"Yeah, I had butterflies dialing" she answered honestly, or so I can only assume.
"I'm surprised you still have my phone number." I said, surprised that she still had my phone number.
"I didn't", she giggled, "I had to look you up in the phone book. At first I thought it was S-U-A... and you weren't there and I was like 'shit', but than I checked S-A-U and there was four... I guessed right on the first try."
I felt like saying congratulations, but such would sound too awkward.
"Well, I'm glad you looked me up, I miss all of my friends from Mott.. I feel bad I just stopped talking to almost all of my little circle of friends, but, I'm SO bad with the phone, I NEVER call people and I tend not to call people back even when they call me. I feel bad."
"Yeah.. " something something, insignificant.
The conversation continued another ten awkward minutes, waiting for her to go into any detail at all about the dreams, at which point I would have to tell her I was taken and embarrass the fuck out of her for calling me up, telling me such lurid details of what we did against my will in her dreams, and than my feeling guilty because - in Nikki's mind or not, however much despite my knowledge - I cheated on Sarah in the dream world.
Because as all of us have learned at one point or another, there is no comfortable end to the following conversation.
"I just called you out of nowhere to ask if you'd go out with me?"
"I have a girlfriend."
"If you didn't, would you like me?"
"I dunno. I have a girlfriend. I like her."
"Oh..."
Hello Agonizing Silence.
I had to make sure that's not why she was calling. Had to make sure. Had had had. I must bring this up indirectly. I had a plan!
Me: Yeah.. listen it's been a long time so forgive how out-dated this probably is, but... are you still with Dennis.
I knew damn well she wasn't, but this would lead to "No, but I am with ____" at which point I could stop peeing on the floor.
Her: No... but he still comes around, more-or-less stalking me. You don't know what happened with us?
Me: No.
Her: If you're the only one that doesn't know what happened... I'd like to keep it that way. That got around to everyone and just won't go away... I regret it so much.
Me: Don't regret it, highschool is all about doing things to be forgotten and getting on as best you can, don't drag yourself down and beat yourself up over the past, it just makes it harder to start over and avoid old mistakes.
Her: Yeah... this doesn't really go away... blah blah blah
SHIT! She totally managed to swerve around whether or not she was with someone. Now even if she's not I don't want to make her feel bad after an ugly end to a long relationship that everything about Sarah and I is bells, whistles, and love at it's truest and most skippifying. Great tingling shitballs, what do I do?!
So... ten minutes go by. I still don't know... and talking this long to an ex-girlfriend on the phone is beginning to feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable, near cheating... and panic has fully set in. FINALLY, whatever the fuck it was I said, (I believe, "are you with someone now") she finally told me YES, she IS, for the last YEAR.. and thank GOD!
Now I can relax.
Even more-so as she asks me and I tell her I'm with Sarah, have been since 10/03... with that out on the table, I could talk for the next hour and feel completely comfortable. WHEW!
So, in the end, all she had to say was that she missed me and the dreams made her realize how few of her old friends she kept in contact with, that I was always really nice and funny and she missed me, and that she'd like to hang out sometime with a bunch of people... taking great care to not make it seem personal or flirty in anyway... I think she could detect the distinct sound of shitting all over myself before such lines were drawn.
Hence is just an isolated example of how fucking scrambled my brains get at the very thought of anything anywhere's near what anyone could possibly consider to be cheating or entertaining the thoughts and possibilities of being dishonest to Sarah.
I'd rather cut myself off socially from every woman outside of my family for the rest of my life, including the elderly.
As long as I can continue to tongue-kiss family members, I'm just fine.
Relax... it's a joke.
Besides, they were coming on to me.
I know Sarah can identify with what I'm talking about though, as far as sheer fucking horror, trembling fear insanity of anything within a lightyear of cheating. She was tired, thinking of me, went to give her male friend a hug and went to kiss him... and she was nearly in tears when she told me about it, even though her lips never ended up anywhere near his CHEEK, where they were aimed... and technically all she'd done was hug a friend whom belonged entirely by coincidence to the opposite gender... and I swear she looked like she thought I was going to hit her.
I did, of course, but still... you have to be amazed by her intuition, right?
I'm just kidding, I would never hit Sarah... strictly waitresses and expecting mothers.
Especially the ones that aren't expecting it... you find it applies to the majority.
Really keeps a crowd on their toes.
Anyway, Nikki wants to hang out tomorrow, I doubt that'll happen as I need to spend a lot more time with Sarah before I spend time with anyone else, though she made a point of inviting Sarah, but I doubt she'll have the time away from all of her cocksucking homework. Especially since they (the little group) want to see a movie. I'll tell her we're going to do our homework together (which will probably work out to be true) and than jot her number down somewhere to be lost among all of the other numbers I've taken down and lost despite a genuine intention to keep them handy.
Such is the life of Desperado Willy.
I really need a theme song... Like a Rapist with a Picnic Basket
In the mean time, here I am Loving Sarah More Than Love Has Ever Loved Before
I said hello.
Thus far, everything had gone as expected.
"Hello?" came a timid, female voice on the other end.
My mind spun to process this voice before said person would realize I didn't have a fucking clue who they be.
Sounded like Sanum.
"Hey!", I said, careful not to call Sanum by name, in the event that it was actually a castrated male friend of mine that desperately needed to not be confused with a woman for the duration of this phone call.
"Hi..." came the voice again, offering no help towards establishing an identity.
"..this is Nikki.."
A-HAH! Nikki I can work with, only so many of those, and the voice now strikes especially familiar with one Nikki in particular. An old and long-lost Nikki but a fond Nikki from before. A nice Nikki. A former ex-girlfriend Nikki, my first upon making it to middle school. My first real social contact of anyone besides what few friends of her talked her into going out with me.
Interesting that she'd call, as the last time she had was 6th grade, if she ever had at all. Perhaps once since I've known her.
"Hey! I haven't heard from you in awhile.." I said, always prepared to paint a dazzling picture of the obvious for someone as a means of making conversation. "What's up?" Shit, I was running out of reserves as far as conversational banter. What the fuck do you say to a girl without being flirty? All flirtaciousness gone from my body, dear sweet Jesus tooth-pickin' Christ what in the great unraveling fuck d I say?
"Not much," she replies sweetly, "what about you?"
Somehow I didn't find it in socially good taste to say "Trying to figure out why the fuck you called me", as it would naturally seem far more hostile than as it came screaming in echo from my mind.
"Hey, glad to hear from you! It's been a long time..." I say again, dear God am I making it too obvious I have no idea what the fuck to say? It's been a long time since what? We were twelve? You broke up with me? Your friends told me I called you too much and my enthusiasm to having something resembling a relationship drove you madly into the hills.
"Yeah... here's the thing..." she says... and I pay close attention.
"I spent all of last night dreaming about you... and I kept waking up like, 'why do I keep having dreams about this kid.' So I had to call you."
"Awww... that's sweet." I say, because it sounds like something someone else would say if someone else was me. "That's really cool... I wouldn't have had the balls to do that..."
"Yeah, I had butterflies dialing" she answered honestly, or so I can only assume.
"I'm surprised you still have my phone number." I said, surprised that she still had my phone number.
"I didn't", she giggled, "I had to look you up in the phone book. At first I thought it was S-U-A... and you weren't there and I was like 'shit', but than I checked S-A-U and there was four... I guessed right on the first try."
I felt like saying congratulations, but such would sound too awkward.
"Well, I'm glad you looked me up, I miss all of my friends from Mott.. I feel bad I just stopped talking to almost all of my little circle of friends, but, I'm SO bad with the phone, I NEVER call people and I tend not to call people back even when they call me. I feel bad."
"Yeah.. " something something, insignificant.
The conversation continued another ten awkward minutes, waiting for her to go into any detail at all about the dreams, at which point I would have to tell her I was taken and embarrass the fuck out of her for calling me up, telling me such lurid details of what we did against my will in her dreams, and than my feeling guilty because - in Nikki's mind or not, however much despite my knowledge - I cheated on Sarah in the dream world.
Because as all of us have learned at one point or another, there is no comfortable end to the following conversation.
"I just called you out of nowhere to ask if you'd go out with me?"
"I have a girlfriend."
"If you didn't, would you like me?"
"I dunno. I have a girlfriend. I like her."
"Oh..."
Hello Agonizing Silence.
I had to make sure that's not why she was calling. Had to make sure. Had had had. I must bring this up indirectly. I had a plan!
Me: Yeah.. listen it's been a long time so forgive how out-dated this probably is, but... are you still with Dennis.
I knew damn well she wasn't, but this would lead to "No, but I am with ____" at which point I could stop peeing on the floor.
Her: No... but he still comes around, more-or-less stalking me. You don't know what happened with us?
Me: No.
Her: If you're the only one that doesn't know what happened... I'd like to keep it that way. That got around to everyone and just won't go away... I regret it so much.
Me: Don't regret it, highschool is all about doing things to be forgotten and getting on as best you can, don't drag yourself down and beat yourself up over the past, it just makes it harder to start over and avoid old mistakes.
Her: Yeah... this doesn't really go away... blah blah blah
SHIT! She totally managed to swerve around whether or not she was with someone. Now even if she's not I don't want to make her feel bad after an ugly end to a long relationship that everything about Sarah and I is bells, whistles, and love at it's truest and most skippifying. Great tingling shitballs, what do I do?!
So... ten minutes go by. I still don't know... and talking this long to an ex-girlfriend on the phone is beginning to feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable, near cheating... and panic has fully set in. FINALLY, whatever the fuck it was I said, (I believe, "are you with someone now") she finally told me YES, she IS, for the last YEAR.. and thank GOD!
Now I can relax.
Even more-so as she asks me and I tell her I'm with Sarah, have been since 10/03... with that out on the table, I could talk for the next hour and feel completely comfortable. WHEW!
So, in the end, all she had to say was that she missed me and the dreams made her realize how few of her old friends she kept in contact with, that I was always really nice and funny and she missed me, and that she'd like to hang out sometime with a bunch of people... taking great care to not make it seem personal or flirty in anyway... I think she could detect the distinct sound of shitting all over myself before such lines were drawn.
Hence is just an isolated example of how fucking scrambled my brains get at the very thought of anything anywhere's near what anyone could possibly consider to be cheating or entertaining the thoughts and possibilities of being dishonest to Sarah.
I'd rather cut myself off socially from every woman outside of my family for the rest of my life, including the elderly.
As long as I can continue to tongue-kiss family members, I'm just fine.
Relax... it's a joke.
Besides, they were coming on to me.
I know Sarah can identify with what I'm talking about though, as far as sheer fucking horror, trembling fear insanity of anything within a lightyear of cheating. She was tired, thinking of me, went to give her male friend a hug and went to kiss him... and she was nearly in tears when she told me about it, even though her lips never ended up anywhere near his CHEEK, where they were aimed... and technically all she'd done was hug a friend whom belonged entirely by coincidence to the opposite gender... and I swear she looked like she thought I was going to hit her.
I did, of course, but still... you have to be amazed by her intuition, right?
I'm just kidding, I would never hit Sarah... strictly waitresses and expecting mothers.
Especially the ones that aren't expecting it... you find it applies to the majority.
Really keeps a crowd on their toes.
Anyway, Nikki wants to hang out tomorrow, I doubt that'll happen as I need to spend a lot more time with Sarah before I spend time with anyone else, though she made a point of inviting Sarah, but I doubt she'll have the time away from all of her cocksucking homework. Especially since they (the little group) want to see a movie. I'll tell her we're going to do our homework together (which will probably work out to be true) and than jot her number down somewhere to be lost among all of the other numbers I've taken down and lost despite a genuine intention to keep them handy.
Such is the life of Desperado Willy.
I really need a theme song... Like a Rapist with a Picnic Basket
In the mean time, here I am Loving Sarah More Than Love Has Ever Loved Before