The Tragic Tale of Gomez Jank
Well, hey there, guys! =D Today I am going to tell you a story...the story of Jank.
Jank. What can I say about Jank? Jank was a crappy guy. A real, real crappy guy. He was born out of a joke, his life was a joke, and even the way he died was a joke. I mean, he didn't even get to die properly; he was just ERASED from existence. Yes, friends. Jank's life sucked hardcore. And that is why we are here to remember and celebrate Jank's super, extremely, ridiculously horrible life.
Jank was born sometime in August, probably on the 3rd or 2nd (no one even bothered to record the precise date). I do remember it was at night. I first met him when I had just come out of the shower and some strangers were messing with The Sims 2 on my very pink computer. When I looked at the screen to see the damage they had done, I saw they had created some...weird creature. And they named it Gomez Jank.
How to describe Jank? Well, he was pudgy, had a weird...beard thing going on... But, most importantly, he had a pink, leopard-print suit on. That was always Jank's trademark, and you could easily recognize him walking down the street. He was not a neat person in the least. In fact, Jank was kind of a huge slob, I believe. He lived in a grody, crappy, disgusting house. I can't even describe it, so I'll just put in a picture.
I guess this mess is too much even for Jank!
That is some nasty jank, and Jank lived in it indeed. There's even a broken satellite that fell out of the sky once and almost hit and killed Jank out on the porch.
All Jank wanted was friends. His's aspiration was to become very, very popular and be loved by all (an aspiration that he, sadly, never reached). He hit on ladies a lot, but they never loved him. In fact, he had a serious, ongoing conflict with one neighbor of his named Rhiannon. His only friend seemed to be Hoshi and, really, she was just an acquaintance who didn't hate him. I guess that is as much as Jank could hope for. I even fashioned him two nice, gross ladies for him to marry, but it was no good. Neither Amy nor Sue Bashee would give Jank the time of day, and that plan soon had to be abandoned.
Everyone's having fun...except Jank.
Rhiannon was in no mood for Jank.
Amy Bashee rejects Jank's amorous advances.
However, something surprising soon happened. A young lady by the name of Gretchen Somelastnamethatcurrentlyescapesme came by and introduced herself to Jank. Gretchen was kind of a huge slob too, and pretty mean, and she was happy to realize that she could bend and control Jank to her will oh-so-very easily. Jank proposed. Gretchen cruelly turned him down. It was another sad memory for Jank's Memory Bank. At this point, Jank TRIED to clean up his act, so he wouldn't be as miserable, and he did get as far as his grody house would allow, but no one could deny that he still lived in a sty hole. Still, this slight improvement proved good enough for Gretchen when she accepted his third marriage proposal. They were married right then and there in his disgusting kitchen, and Jank was no longer alone. Now he had a cruel, slave-driver of a wife to keep him company.
Gretchen was happy to have Jank under her spell.
Jank is sad after Gretchen rejected his first marriage proposal.
Jank is happy after Gretchen accepts his third proposal. Little did he know what awaited him...
Jank's life with Gretchen was full of turmoil. For one thing, his house was much too small for the two of them and they always had to pee at the same time. Guess who always won the war for the toilet? That's right. Having "accidents" was a part of Jank's daily life (as was passing out from exhaustion on the front sidewalk after getting home from his job as a convenience store clerk). Naturally, his hygiene was also always in the red, but Gretchen always took super long showers and used up all the hot water anyway, so Jank had to resort to taking baths by pouring sink water over himself in the kitchen. His only TV was busted, so Jank could only entertain himself by reading old Reader's Digest magazines he had lying around. Jank also couldn't cook, so setting fire to the kitchen was an almost daily event too (Gretchen COULD cook, but she only ever cooked for herself, so Jank was left to fend for himself in the food department as well as in every other area of his life, really).
Jank all passed out on the sidewalk, as usual.
Sometimes, Jank's loneliness and disappointment at never getting a single thing he wanted made him drop down to the floor and start babbling incoherently. At this point, an imaginary therapist would appear out of nowhere and try to set him straight a bit. Sometimes, after being ignored by Gretchen for long periods of time, the Social Bunny would come to visit Jank in an attempt to provide him with some social contact. But, as we all know, everyone hates the Social Bunny, and Jank wavered between giving him Friendly Hugs and Fighting with him. Of course, him being Jank, the Social Bunny still won every time.
THE SOCIAL BUNNY IS WATCHING YOU, JANK!
The Social Bunny and Jank duke it out.
It was at one of the lowest moments of Jank's life that Gretchen gave him the news that they were about to become parents. Jank seemed happy about this, but I wonder if he really should have been. They lived in a crappy, extremely small, two bedroom house that could barely fit two people living in it and now they were having a baby. And not just A baby. That's right. Gretchen had twins, and guess who was stuck taking care of them both for the most part? If you guessed "Jank, that poor loser with not a single iota of luck in his life?", you guessed right! Jank Jr. and Gidget were born in the middle of the night, and Gretchen went straight back to bed immediately, leaving both children on the kitchen floor. Jank had to set up their cribs and put them in there himself. He also had to feed them himself and change their diapers while Gretchen went off to work or to whatever she felt like doing, more often than not. Jank realized he couldn't do it all by himself, so he hired a nanny to help out. Unfortunately, the woman was not the most efficient nanny, and she also decided to take showers at the most inopportune moments (such as when Jank had to pee, and he got enough of that kind of trouble from Gretchen).
Right after this picture was taken, Gretchen dumped Gidget on the floor and went to bed.
Jank's children grew up to be troublemakers. They were both about to be kicked out of school for missing school days and being D- students. Gretchen got fired from her job for making some Unwise Choices. And Jank got old. He was almost at his crappy life's end when he was not-so-mercifully erased by a technical error. And thus, his life ended.
Jank's children do as they please in their parents' bedroom while Jank is forced to sleep in Jank Jr.'s room.
Jank as an old man. This was the last picture of him ever taken.
Oh, Jank... Where did society fail you? At least you can rest in peace knowing that all your misfortune brought us much laughter and joy. See you in version 2.0!
Jank. What can I say about Jank? Jank was a crappy guy. A real, real crappy guy. He was born out of a joke, his life was a joke, and even the way he died was a joke. I mean, he didn't even get to die properly; he was just ERASED from existence. Yes, friends. Jank's life sucked hardcore. And that is why we are here to remember and celebrate Jank's super, extremely, ridiculously horrible life.
Jank was born sometime in August, probably on the 3rd or 2nd (no one even bothered to record the precise date). I do remember it was at night. I first met him when I had just come out of the shower and some strangers were messing with The Sims 2 on my very pink computer. When I looked at the screen to see the damage they had done, I saw they had created some...weird creature. And they named it Gomez Jank.
How to describe Jank? Well, he was pudgy, had a weird...beard thing going on... But, most importantly, he had a pink, leopard-print suit on. That was always Jank's trademark, and you could easily recognize him walking down the street. He was not a neat person in the least. In fact, Jank was kind of a huge slob, I believe. He lived in a grody, crappy, disgusting house. I can't even describe it, so I'll just put in a picture.
I guess this mess is too much even for Jank!
That is some nasty jank, and Jank lived in it indeed. There's even a broken satellite that fell out of the sky once and almost hit and killed Jank out on the porch.
All Jank wanted was friends. His's aspiration was to become very, very popular and be loved by all (an aspiration that he, sadly, never reached). He hit on ladies a lot, but they never loved him. In fact, he had a serious, ongoing conflict with one neighbor of his named Rhiannon. His only friend seemed to be Hoshi and, really, she was just an acquaintance who didn't hate him. I guess that is as much as Jank could hope for. I even fashioned him two nice, gross ladies for him to marry, but it was no good. Neither Amy nor Sue Bashee would give Jank the time of day, and that plan soon had to be abandoned.
Everyone's having fun...except Jank.
Rhiannon was in no mood for Jank.
Amy Bashee rejects Jank's amorous advances.
However, something surprising soon happened. A young lady by the name of Gretchen Somelastnamethatcurrentlyescapesme came by and introduced herself to Jank. Gretchen was kind of a huge slob too, and pretty mean, and she was happy to realize that she could bend and control Jank to her will oh-so-very easily. Jank proposed. Gretchen cruelly turned him down. It was another sad memory for Jank's Memory Bank. At this point, Jank TRIED to clean up his act, so he wouldn't be as miserable, and he did get as far as his grody house would allow, but no one could deny that he still lived in a sty hole. Still, this slight improvement proved good enough for Gretchen when she accepted his third marriage proposal. They were married right then and there in his disgusting kitchen, and Jank was no longer alone. Now he had a cruel, slave-driver of a wife to keep him company.
Gretchen was happy to have Jank under her spell.
Jank is sad after Gretchen rejected his first marriage proposal.
Jank is happy after Gretchen accepts his third proposal. Little did he know what awaited him...
Jank's life with Gretchen was full of turmoil. For one thing, his house was much too small for the two of them and they always had to pee at the same time. Guess who always won the war for the toilet? That's right. Having "accidents" was a part of Jank's daily life (as was passing out from exhaustion on the front sidewalk after getting home from his job as a convenience store clerk). Naturally, his hygiene was also always in the red, but Gretchen always took super long showers and used up all the hot water anyway, so Jank had to resort to taking baths by pouring sink water over himself in the kitchen. His only TV was busted, so Jank could only entertain himself by reading old Reader's Digest magazines he had lying around. Jank also couldn't cook, so setting fire to the kitchen was an almost daily event too (Gretchen COULD cook, but she only ever cooked for herself, so Jank was left to fend for himself in the food department as well as in every other area of his life, really).
Jank all passed out on the sidewalk, as usual.
Sometimes, Jank's loneliness and disappointment at never getting a single thing he wanted made him drop down to the floor and start babbling incoherently. At this point, an imaginary therapist would appear out of nowhere and try to set him straight a bit. Sometimes, after being ignored by Gretchen for long periods of time, the Social Bunny would come to visit Jank in an attempt to provide him with some social contact. But, as we all know, everyone hates the Social Bunny, and Jank wavered between giving him Friendly Hugs and Fighting with him. Of course, him being Jank, the Social Bunny still won every time.
THE SOCIAL BUNNY IS WATCHING YOU, JANK!
The Social Bunny and Jank duke it out.
It was at one of the lowest moments of Jank's life that Gretchen gave him the news that they were about to become parents. Jank seemed happy about this, but I wonder if he really should have been. They lived in a crappy, extremely small, two bedroom house that could barely fit two people living in it and now they were having a baby. And not just A baby. That's right. Gretchen had twins, and guess who was stuck taking care of them both for the most part? If you guessed "Jank, that poor loser with not a single iota of luck in his life?", you guessed right! Jank Jr. and Gidget were born in the middle of the night, and Gretchen went straight back to bed immediately, leaving both children on the kitchen floor. Jank had to set up their cribs and put them in there himself. He also had to feed them himself and change their diapers while Gretchen went off to work or to whatever she felt like doing, more often than not. Jank realized he couldn't do it all by himself, so he hired a nanny to help out. Unfortunately, the woman was not the most efficient nanny, and she also decided to take showers at the most inopportune moments (such as when Jank had to pee, and he got enough of that kind of trouble from Gretchen).
Right after this picture was taken, Gretchen dumped Gidget on the floor and went to bed.
Jank's children grew up to be troublemakers. They were both about to be kicked out of school for missing school days and being D- students. Gretchen got fired from her job for making some Unwise Choices. And Jank got old. He was almost at his crappy life's end when he was not-so-mercifully erased by a technical error. And thus, his life ended.
Jank's children do as they please in their parents' bedroom while Jank is forced to sleep in Jank Jr.'s room.
Jank as an old man. This was the last picture of him ever taken.
Oh, Jank... Where did society fail you? At least you can rest in peace knowing that all your misfortune brought us much laughter and joy. See you in version 2.0!