state of the sanity 5-9-11
well i don't know how to say it other than I'm miserable. i wake up everyday with little to no goals. i don't feel close to anyone. i feel like i have something that just disconnected it me a year or so ago maybe longer. it definitely started when i was sick. i don't feel good ever mentally or physically. i feel like i have absolutely no friends. i do good things i process thoughts that are positive and just ignore them. i don't know who i'am and i know i have no one to talk to ,or even if i did i wouldn't want to. like i look at people and i dont trust them. after the two car wrecks,deaths,living with my mom, buying the lemon. seeing the disappointment in Trinity's eyes everyday and my moms no less and she is losing her mind. slowly and painfully. i play cards to get away and i don't feel like im fooling anyone there. and i see George who lost his son and i have no idea what to say. i freeze. i used to have the right thing to say for everyone and i don't mean like bullshit i mean like honest good healthy hopeful advice. i want that back. i want the power that i lost a long time ago. i wake up and im still sleeping. the pills help and unhelp if you know what i mean. the lack of pain is amazing the feeling like i cant live without them is a problem. im getting ready to go back to school but even then its like ok school. i cant be 19 forever. that's the way i feel like a kid who wont grow up. im stuck in this faulty sense of i dunno. i know no one reads this so i know its ok to say all this stuff. i have people i feel connections with but i just cant be who everyone thinks iam or who i used to be. im not that guy. im watching a sunset and i cant even smile. i know i have wrote in awhile. i want to do that more. i hate the internet i hate the day. i like night. after trinity's gone to sleep i can be close to her without feeling like im letting her down. i just want someone to say i love you and mean and i know in my heart they do. i don't me like in a sexual fashion i mean like a friend or family member i hate feeling the way i do now. i feel like i owe the world and ive just filed bankruptcy on it all. Brian and dugan my grandmother. the two car wrecks its like a pile of shit adding up and im the end result. ok so i love you all bye
for now...
for now...