They knew Walt Disney was frozen when they could see his nipples through his t-shirt
I have to admit, I have always been suspect of Mickey Mouse. On the surface he seems like a cheerful little fellow but I found his eyes to be very cold and black. Every time I watched his animated shorts my soul felt dirty. It was almost as if he was using his charm to distract me from the fact that he was a corporate whore. Whore may be a strong word to use until you remember that his likeness is displayed on both underwear and ice cream bars. Both of these items are not only scandalous but also tools used by sexual deviants.
It’s a high world after all.
After careful deliberation I realized what bothered me the most about Mr. Mouse. Quite simply, it is the fact that he does not have nipples. What kind of sick creature is born without nipples? It can’t be a simple mutation explained through Darwinism. I will admit that not having nipples would make Mickey more aerodynamic, however this in conjunction with his black eyes can only mean one thing. Mickey Mouse is most likely a vampire. How else can you explain his hiring of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake for the new (and now canceled) Mickey Mouse club? Not only do they both have no talent but, they also suck. Hmmmmm. I may be a simple man but I do know that vampires SUCK the blood of their victims. Coincidence? Probably, although my superior intellect suspects this isn’t the case.
He ate my baby!
Sadly after countless hours of research I have found a flaw in my theory. Male mice are not born with, nor do they develop, nipples. This would mean that not only is Mickey anatomically correct, but he is most likely not a vampire. I guess I will just have to accept the fact that Mickey Mouse is an asexual nipple-less creature that likes to go disco dancing and wear short shorts. It is also important to realize that this does not mean that my superior intellect is in fact less superior. Admitting I came up with a false theory shows not only maturity but also intelligence. I wonder if my nipple-vampire theory would work if I analyzed the origins of Count Duckula. I must admit I have never seen Count Duckula topless although, if I were to use Donald Duck as a guide, I would bet that the Count wouldn’t have any nipples. Sometimes brilliance is just a small step away from insanity.
Could this be a nipple-less creature of the night? You bet your sweet ass!
It’s a high world after all.
After careful deliberation I realized what bothered me the most about Mr. Mouse. Quite simply, it is the fact that he does not have nipples. What kind of sick creature is born without nipples? It can’t be a simple mutation explained through Darwinism. I will admit that not having nipples would make Mickey more aerodynamic, however this in conjunction with his black eyes can only mean one thing. Mickey Mouse is most likely a vampire. How else can you explain his hiring of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake for the new (and now canceled) Mickey Mouse club? Not only do they both have no talent but, they also suck. Hmmmmm. I may be a simple man but I do know that vampires SUCK the blood of their victims. Coincidence? Probably, although my superior intellect suspects this isn’t the case.
He ate my baby!
Sadly after countless hours of research I have found a flaw in my theory. Male mice are not born with, nor do they develop, nipples. This would mean that not only is Mickey anatomically correct, but he is most likely not a vampire. I guess I will just have to accept the fact that Mickey Mouse is an asexual nipple-less creature that likes to go disco dancing and wear short shorts. It is also important to realize that this does not mean that my superior intellect is in fact less superior. Admitting I came up with a false theory shows not only maturity but also intelligence. I wonder if my nipple-vampire theory would work if I analyzed the origins of Count Duckula. I must admit I have never seen Count Duckula topless although, if I were to use Donald Duck as a guide, I would bet that the Count wouldn’t have any nipples. Sometimes brilliance is just a small step away from insanity.
Could this be a nipple-less creature of the night? You bet your sweet ass!