The Wonderful World Of New Products
I went shopping today and saw a couple of new products, which not only frightened me but also sent a shockwave to the deepest parts of my soul (and they said I couldn’t write dramatic scripts for soap opera’s). That shocking imagery reminds me that I need new socks. Anyway, the first new product I saw was “CASHMERE” toilet paper. The product is not actually cashmere, but a facsimile product that is meant to feel like cashmere. How soft do you need your toilet paper? As long as it isn’t industrial strength catholic high school toilet paper I think we should all be ok. I am all for the evolution of products but, what are they going to come up with next. Perhaps a “butt brush” For that person in your life that just doesn’t feel clean enough. We could even have butt-whitening paste, which would have saved Michael Jackson millions. Or maybe we need clear clothing so you can feel free but at the same time be protected by the elements. Britney Spears could even market this product in her next video although she may look a little too classy. Cashmere toilet paper just sounds pretentious.
I think toilet paper is being promoted in the wrong way. We are constantly being told we need softer paper or more perforations. If they want to impress me they should add some fancy lights or some smart looking pinstripes. Perhaps they could add a rear spoiler to make it more aerodynamic. I don’t know if you are ever without toilet paper and someone tosses you a roll. That situation is highly dangerous and could cause an eye injury. Maybe the powers that be should add a few airbags as well just to prevent injury. I am also not a fan of the commercial with the bears doing their business beside a tree while molesting a package of toilet paper. Quite frankly that freaks me out. I mean do I really need to see a bear blast a dookie while I am trying to eat some lucky charms? The answer to that question is a strong NO.
On that note I also saw another unique product called rosemary/mint shampoo. When I read the label I knew that I had to smell it, thus I quickly unscrewed the cap anticipating an oratory explosion. What I was treated to was something that should be sprinkled on a meal and not hair. Call me crazy but I don’t want someone to eat my hair or add any sauces or spices to it. In fact I don’t want a shampoo bottle that is shaped like a sex toy either. Although I suppose there could be an argument that all shampoo bottles are shaped like sex toys. What I meant to say was I have no idea what sex toys look like. Anyway, what is the next step, pancake mix that can be used as toilet paper and as a revitalizing shampoo? I must remember to patent that idea.
I think toilet paper is being promoted in the wrong way. We are constantly being told we need softer paper or more perforations. If they want to impress me they should add some fancy lights or some smart looking pinstripes. Perhaps they could add a rear spoiler to make it more aerodynamic. I don’t know if you are ever without toilet paper and someone tosses you a roll. That situation is highly dangerous and could cause an eye injury. Maybe the powers that be should add a few airbags as well just to prevent injury. I am also not a fan of the commercial with the bears doing their business beside a tree while molesting a package of toilet paper. Quite frankly that freaks me out. I mean do I really need to see a bear blast a dookie while I am trying to eat some lucky charms? The answer to that question is a strong NO.
On that note I also saw another unique product called rosemary/mint shampoo. When I read the label I knew that I had to smell it, thus I quickly unscrewed the cap anticipating an oratory explosion. What I was treated to was something that should be sprinkled on a meal and not hair. Call me crazy but I don’t want someone to eat my hair or add any sauces or spices to it. In fact I don’t want a shampoo bottle that is shaped like a sex toy either. Although I suppose there could be an argument that all shampoo bottles are shaped like sex toys. What I meant to say was I have no idea what sex toys look like. Anyway, what is the next step, pancake mix that can be used as toilet paper and as a revitalizing shampoo? I must remember to patent that idea.