october
i really don't like the month of october. i have so many bad memories of things happening in october, so many things have happened to people i care about... i feel bad even feeling sorry for myself about my grandpa when i think of what some of my good friends have had to go through. grandpa lived a full life, and he was ready to go. he had been suffering so much, and he knew it was his time. he was ok with it, and we all got to say goodbye. we couldn't have been more lucky- to know it was coming, and have a chance to say goodbye and prepare ourselves for what was to come... it's really hitting some of my relatives hard, but i know we'll all get through this, eventually.
it doesn't help that october is filled with midterms, and when i get stressed out i get sick. first it was an allergic reaction that sent me to the health service where they put me on some hard core meds, but now i have a sinus-infection/cold something or other on top of it and i can't take anything for it because of the other meds. i hate midterms. the two big classes i have this semester are both taught by actual professors, not just TAs and these two women are pretty hard core. both of their tests are not going to be fun.
i dunno... i thought i was so ready to graduate and be done with this whole experience. but the closer i get to the real world, the less it's a place i want to go right now. the interview last week went pretty well, i won't know about anything for another week or so and i don't really want to curse it, that's why i'm not saying where or what it is. all i'll say is that it's a real, grown-up job- full time with benefits, etc... and it's in the cities. so who knows if i even want it, because if i get that then we all know i'm not moving out by chris. this long-distance thing is killing me. i really don't want to deal with it for another 3 years! i can't take it. i miss him so much. and i know if i get a job here i could go visit but i have debts to pay off! airfare is expensive! and i'll have limited time off. seriously. i don't know what to do- and i know nobody can tell me what to do... i just wish i knew how to figure it all out... i'm going to go work out for awhile.... maybe that will help clear my head so i can study the rest of the day away... let's hope so.