[Fic] DCBB - Hidden Away - Part Three

[stolen_childe]

Title: Hidden Away
Author: Stolen Childe

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Part Three: The Enemy of My Friend

Castiel wasn’t sure if he was on the right track, he was never really sure when it came to this sort of thing. Gabriel had a tendency to wipe himself off the map, radar, sonar and any other device of human invention. And some devices which of course weren’t human invention.

It was cold, and the fact that Castiel felt it was such was a testament to just how cold it was. He was in a desert, but it was unlike any desert most of humankind was familiar with. There was sand of course, sand all around him, but it reached up with great stretching, grasping fingers. Tore into the sky, searching and seeking, forever frozen in the last shape the harsh Antarctic wind had managed to blow it into. It was a forest of claws. It was unsettling, haunting and beautiful.

“Gabriel!” Castiel shouted. It was probably useless to call the archangel using his human voice but he had been searching for what seemed like hours - had been hours. John would be back from school soon. Sam was at work, which meant when school was done, John would be alone with Dean.

Normally this wasn’t an issue, but normally the Dean sitting in Castiel’s living room was the Dean he had chosen to spend the rest of his life with, and John’s father. This other Dean, this new, different Dean was - Castiel was now realizing - something of an unknown. Castiel could see just as clearly into that Dean’s soul as any other but it was still unsetting to think of John catching on to Dean not being his father.

“Castiel.”

Castiel turned at the sudden voice. It didn’t belong to Gabriel but it was familiar. Inias stood before him, eyes flickering anxiously around the frozen sand before eventually landing on Castiel.

“Hester,” Inias said.

“What?”

“It was Hester. Dean got stuck because of Hester. She’s trying to lock him away in his own nightmares of Purgatory so he cannot interfere with this timeline. She promised not to kill him. She gave no such promise about debilitating him. Be careful, Castiel. She may try again.”

Inias was gone as suddenly as he appeared and Castiel was only that much more determined to find Gabriel.

“Gabriel!” he shouted again, a snarl curling his lips. He could sense he was in the correct general location but the icy claws stretched on for miles in the centre of a wasteland that had been barren nearly as long as Castiel had lived. He couldn’t even begin to guess what drew his wayward brother here of all places; perhaps it was merely the fact that very few would choose to follow him.

Castiel had enough of the trudging and closed his eyes. It was more difficult to fly on the Earthly plain but it wasn’t impossible. It was easier to traverse in the in between spaces than contend with the solidness of the Earth. Regardless, Castiel uncoiled his wings, unfurling them wide on either side, the dual set soaring above his head, larger than they used to be but the same glimmering blue-black colour, and invisible to all but a select few humans.

The additional weight of the second pair took some getting used to, but Castiel had grown accustomed over the years. He beat down swiftly, the accompanying gust sending a few loose particles of sand and powdery snow swirling around him before Castiel was hovering in the thin air of the Antarctic.

From his new vantage point, it only took moments for Castiel to spot Gabriel’s previously secret retreat; it was almost offensive in how incongruous it was. It was an oasis of greenery, sparkling water and golden sand in the middle of all the bland grey.

Castiel couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he flew towards it, massive wings pumping lazily through the air. He landed light and silent, directly in front of Gabriel, glaring at the elder angel with an intensity Castiel had always been known for.

“Hiya Li’l C! See you discovered my home away from home!” Gabriel bubbled.

“Are you drunk?” Castiel asked blandly.

“As near as I can be!” Gabriel announced. Some of the swim-short clad young men behind Gabriel hooted in mirth as they knocked their hollowed-out coconuts together.

“That wasn’t even amusing,” Castiel frowned.

“You just have all the sense of humour of over-cooked seaweed,” Gabriel tutted. “What can I do for you, My Brother?”

“Anything we can help with?” a blonde young woman wearing a very small bikini had come up somehow without Castiel noticing and wrapped herself sinuously around him. Her brunette friend, similarly clad, curled around Castiel’s other side and ran sharp nails up his chest. Castiel impatiently shook both women off.

“I’m married,” he answered shortly. It wasn’t the strictest of truths but Castiel learned long ago that it was the easiest way to shake off advances.

The young women pouted, then flounced away, grabbing some of the young men as they bounced around Castiel.

“Gosh, Cassie, you’re such a spoil-sport,” Gabriel grumbled.

“You’re disrupting nature, Gabriel,” Castiel chastised, looking around the magically constructed tropical Oasis in the middle of Antarctica.

Gabriel waved it off. “I’ll turn it back, always do. Now what brought you all the way out here?”

“Dean.”

“Wow, imagine my surprise.”

“Gabriel. Enough. This is serious.”

“Again, imagine my surprise. Out with it Little B, I got carnal pleasures to explore and iniquities to commit.”

Castiel glared, having quite enough of his brother’s foolishness and took advantage of his newly acquired status. He snapped his fingers and Gabriel’s Oasis disappeared along with all the poor unsuspecting and beguiled young bodies. A brief touch to the forehead and the two of them stumbled into Gabriel’s corner of Heaven.

“Oh I should so smite your ass for that,” Gabriel fumed, the walls rattling.

“Father would only bring me back again,” Castiel rolled his eyes. “Now listen. Please.”

xx

Dean was nervous as he entered the brightly decorated hallways. Castiel had gone off to do Heavenly things and had left directions and the name of the school for Dean in case the angel didn’t return in time. Dean was a little bit early, the corridors were still silent but there was the steady hum of hundreds of tiny bodies detectable in the building.

John’s classroom was on the second floor, nearly at the very far end of the building. Dean stopped outside the closed door. There were pictures stuck to the wood of groups of young boys and girls standing alongside a slender young man with brown hair and glasses. Dean squinted at the picture and whistled low. If that was John’s teacher they sure seemed to start them off young. Or maybe Dean was just old. He rolled his shoulders and felt the pops and sighed. Yeah, he was old. Especially in this damn body.

“Hey Dean.”

Dean spun and silently panicked. Castiel didn’t brief him in the event of encountering other parents. The woman standing in front of him with a little girl attached to her hand also looked ridiculously young. If he were to guess her age he’d put her around twenty-six but her other child was at least eleven so that would mean she started really early. Maybe she just had one of those faces.

“Hey,” Dean said tightly.

“Castiel back from his business trip yet?” she asked.

“Oh, ah… yeah. Working late again today, though,” Dean said still uneasy.

“You never worry?” she asked. She blushed then. “Sorry, that is totally not my place to ask.”

“What do you mean worry?” Dean asked, genuinely confused.

“Never mind. Forget I said anything,” she waved it off.

“Oh hello Dean, Bailey,” another woman had come up to the group. She also had a child attached to her hand but had one on her hip as well.

“Hi Ellie,” Bailey greeted.

Dean gave a mental sigh of relief. At least he had names now.

“Where’s your baby?” Ellie asked, giving Dean a puzzled look. “You always have him with you. Or is Castiel home?”

“Ah… Jass is with Sammy and Mary,” Dean said. That was weird? It seemed silly of him to drag the poor kid around with him when Jasper could have a lot more fun playing with Sam out in the backyard. It was hot today, hotter than June generally got and Sam had filled the small wading pool with water for the kids. Seeing them in the kiddy-pool made Dean want an adult-sized one in the heat, but he contented himself with sitting in the few inches of water while Jasper alternated between sitting quietly on Dean’s lap and slapping small waves in the shallows.

“So Castiel is away again?” Ellie asked. The two women shared significant looks that went completely over Dean’s head. What the hell?

“Just until tonight,” Dean answered slowly.

“Oh man,” Bailey grinned crookedly. “I’d freak out if my guy was off so much.”

“Me too, I hate my husband just going to weekend conferences, and he only has one or two a year,” Ellie commiserated.

Dean was saved by saying anything more by the electronic bell ringing shrilly overhead. Almost in unison, rubber-footed chairs squeaked along linoleum and doors began to open. The volume picked up instantly as excited voices rushed into the hallways.

“Remember,” the scrawny young man was now visible and he was speaking over the noise as he stood by the now open door, “tomorrow is the absolute last day for you to turn in your work. School’s out soon, Kiddos, but you gotta hand in your stuff if you wanna pass! Don’t forget!”

“Bye, Mr. Lake.”

“See you, Mr. Lake.”

“Have a good night!”

Dean listened to the whir of childish voices and searched through the crowd for the one that belonged to him. He was feeling overwhelmed by all the little bodies whirling around his legs and jostling him.

“Are you all right, Dean?” Bailey asked.

“Gosh! I hope we didn’t upset you,” Ellie added.

“No, ah… I’m good. Tired,” Dean raised his voice over the noise.

They had both gathered their children by now. Bailey a little boy and Ellie a little girl. Each woman waved and navigated through the hall as easily as water through a stream. He envied their skill for a minute while he continued to look around for John. There were a few more children dallying in the classroom so he hadn’t panicked yet, but he was certainly feeling close to it.

It was also sinking in rapidly, in this moment, that this was not his world. This was so far removed from his world it was practically alien. Even when he spent that year with Lisa and Ben he rarely picked Ben up from school. The boy took the bus most of the time and when he needed to be home faster, Lisa would get him. The house Dean shared with Castiel and Sam though, was twenty minutes out by car, so there was certainly no bussing it for John.

Castiel explained that the only house they could afford had been in the area they had chosen, but the better school had been in the higher middle class neighbourhood where Dean was now. It was either angel-express or daddy-express. No in between. Dean understood the reasoning of wanting John in what was considered a better school, though the drive kind of sucked.

“You okay Dad?”

Finally! Child.

“Jeeze, Kid, where’d you run off to?” Dean asked.

John stuck his tongue out at Dean, though he was grinning and Dean figured it was a pretty common occurrence between other-Dean and the boy so Dean didn’t chastise, but maybe he should have. He really had no fucking clue.

“I was cleaning the whiteboards, my classroom job for this week,” John explained. “Didn’t Pop say I might be a bit late?”

Probably. Just not to me.

“Who knows,” Dean grinned. “Ready to get gone?”

“Oh yeah, definitely,” John nodded eagerly.

“You got any of those assignments your teacher was talking about?” Dean asked as they began to walk down the corridor. John’s bag looked conspicuously empty.

John sent Dean a puzzled look. He said slowly, “No. I finished mine weeks ago.” The ‘duh, Dad’ was implied.

Great, another screw up.

“Oh, right,” Dean said.

“You’re okay, Dad?” the question was more insistent this time.

“Yeah… Yeah, Kiddo. Just the latest job took a bit extra out of me. It was a doozy,” Dean lied. He hoped that didn’t cross any boundaries. Did they discuss the hunting with the kids?

“Okay. Well don’t forget about baseball tonight. You said you’d be there to watch my game. Pete’s mom is gonna drive me but you said you’d go. And Uncle Sam and Pop. Be sure Pop comes, please Dad? He’s missed the last few.”

Dean winced. Poor kid. Dean supposed Castiel still had a tendency to shake a tail feather and disappear for days if the occasion warranted it. It just sucked that it affected his kids… Their kids… Cas’ kids.

“I’m sure he’ll be there, Monkey,” Dean squeezed the boy’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” John said quietly.

xx

When they reached the house, John kicked off his shoes, dropped his bag, and disappeared out the back door. Dean followed at a more sedate pace only to see a trail of clothes leading across the backyard. He smiled fondly and picked them up, gathering them together.

Sam, finally rescued from pool duty now that John was there to sit with the younger kids, retreated from the splash radius and joined Dean on the patio. The kids were still in clear view however.

“Did you have a refreshing dip?” Dean smirked.

“You’d think that, wouldn’t you,” Sam pulled his wet t-shirt away from his skin and then dropped it. It fell back with a heavy sounding plop. “FYI Big Brother, your baby learned to splash bigger. Enjoy that for bath-time.”

Dean winced. “Thanks.”

“You look off, what’s up?” Sam asked, finally taking a seat next to Dean.

Dean shrugged. “I’m not good at… This whole thing,” Dean gestured expansively. “I screwed up again when I picked up John. He’s gonna figure it out soon and then he’ll probably be freaked, or Cas will be pissed. I don’t know. I’m not a dad, Sam. Then there were these moms at the school while I was waiting. They kept on pulling sad faces at me and mentioning how terrible it was that Cas was away all the time, and how if their husbands were away as much they’d freak. What does that even mean?”

Sam chuckled, “The Paranoid Pollys.”

“Huh?”

“Bailey and ah… Ellie?” Sam asked.

“Yeah,” Dean nodded.

“You named them the Paranoid Pollys because they always act like Cas is about to cheat on you every second he’s away, or something. They’ve implied it more than once. You figured they don’t trust their partners and they’re projecting or something. I know Ellie’s on her second marriage and Bailey’s been engaged twice but it always fell through.”

“God, are you saying we are not only a part of, but we partake in suburban gossip?” Dean asked, white-faced.

Sam laughed, “’Fraid so!” The larger man slapped his brother’s back, sending Dean forward in his seat. “Want to know something worse?”

“Not really, no,” Dean grimaced.

“Well tough, ‘cause I’m telling you anyway. You’re pretty well the Queen Bee of the housewives.”

“What?!” Dean squawked. “How in the world did I end up the chick in this relationship?”

Sam laughed again, “Don’t worry about it. The ladies just got it in their heads because you’re the one who ends up being home more and you make the best pie in the district. They equate that with ‘wife’ in their worlds. You haven’t grown a vagina or anything. You’re still pretty much regarded as an alpha male outside of our little slice of Subugatory.”

Dean winced.

Sam’s eyes widened. “Dude, I am so sorry! I wasn’t… I’m… Shit.”

“It’s all right, Sam. I should probably get Jasper out of the pool. He’s been in a while.” Dean got up quickly and headed over to the laughing children.

“Dean!” Sam called after him. “I-”

“Seriously, Sam. It’s fine.” Dean swooped down and picked up the baby, he held him tight, unmindful of the damp and grabbed one of the towels sitting on the table on his way back into the house. He wrapped Jasper up in it, pulling the little frog-head shaped hood over the baby soft hair and shut the sliding doors probably harder than he needed.

“Dada sad?” Jasper asked, blinking up with wide blue eyes.

“N… no. I…” Dean trailed off. “No, I’m scared. I’m really, really scared and maybe I shouldn’t be telling you that, but you’re a year, it’s not like you’re going to remember or anything, right? It’s just everything is fucked up, Little Man. The minute I let myself relax and be happy and forget for a while that I’m a stranger walking through someone else’s life, it comes back up and smacks me in the damn face. My Cas is out there and alone somewhere and I have no way to get to him. None at all. I don’t even know why I’m here and he’s not. You know? What makes me so special that I get to play Time Lord, huh?” Dean had gone into his and Castiel’s shared bedroom and shut the door. He climbed onto the bed and cradled Jasper against him, resting his chin lightly on the baby’s head.

“I’m just really, really scared, Kiddo. I’m not used to it.”

Jasper wriggled around and put tiny baby hands on Dean’s jaw. “No scared.”

Dean had to gape at the depth of understanding and the oddly serious expression in the tiny child’s eyes.

“Little Dude, I’m pretty sure you aren’t supposed to understand yet,” Dean mused. “Maybe who your Papa and I are and everything, but...”

“Papa?”

“Ah, he’s not here.”

Jasper reached out and pressed a small hand against Dean’s chest. “Papa.”

“No, Kiddo, I’m Daddy. Well not yours technically, but for all intents and purposes…”

Jasper pressed again, right over Dean’s heart. “Papa. No scared.”

“Whoa, whoa, you are not seriously telling me don’t be afraid because Castiel is in my heart, right? Cuz that would be way beyond your ken, Kid. Way beyond.”

Jasper just blinked and began to chatter and sing.

“Complete coincidence,” Dean muttered to himself. “Has to be.”

Jasper settled against him, still singing baby nonsense and Dean just sat and listened.

xx

“That’s becoming a habit of yours,” Castiel’s voice stirred Dean from his half-doze.

Dean looked up and noticed the angel looked haggard but a little less tense. The hunter figured that could only be good so didn’t comment.

Earlier, he had gotten up just long enough to change Jasper into a one-piece jumper but had retreated back to his safe bedroom haven shortly after, baby still in his arms. Right now the only thing keeping him grounded was the little boy with Castiel’s eyes.

“What time is it?” Dean asked sleepily. He felt a nagging suspicion he had to be somewhere.

“Quarter after four,” Castiel replied. He was over at the dresser, staring into it while he pulled off his trench-coat, tie and suit. Dean found himself watching as Castiel stripped out of his ‘work’ clothes and into jeans and a t-shirt. Why he didn’t just whammy them off was beyond Dean.

Four-fifteen. Oh shit. “John’s game! I promised!”

Castiel turned, snapping on his metal watch. “Dean, it’s all right. The game doesn’t start for another half-hour. According to Sam, Layla came and got John not too long ago for practise. I only just got back. We’ll make the game. I swear.”

“You were gone awhile.” Dean settled back again, rubbing his eye with the back of one hand while the other cradled Jasper.

“Yes, there’s some silly nonsense up in Heaven. I needed Gabriel to deal with it and you’re well aware of how elusive he can be when he puts his mind to it. I searched the more obvious places first before I finally tracked him to the desert in Antarctica. He was living the very essence of hedonism.”

Dean frowned, “There’s a desert in Antarctica? Like with sand and shit?”

Castiel chuckled. “Yes.”

“Wait, wait… It’s still cold, right? I’m confused.”

“He constructed a tropical oasis and flew in various, um… enjoyments.”

“So what’s this thing in Heaven?” Dean wanted to know.

“You needn’t worry. It’s taken care of,” Castiel smile looked forced. Dean recognized it from his own Castiel’s face when the angel was being evasive. Or at least, he recognized it from before Cas was crazy. Needless to say, it unsettled Dean.

“You aren’t telling me everything,” Dean said, not able to help the accusatory tone slipping into his voice. He had sudden and gut-wrenching flashbacks to ‘Superman going Darkside’ and couldn’t stop the quick shudder that danced down his spine.

“We should get going,” Castiel said suddenly. “I’ll get Jasper’s bag.”

“Cas,” Dean’s tone was filled with warning.

Castiel must have recognized it because he stopped dead mid-retreat. “You’re right,” Castiel admitted with a sigh. “I’m not. But trust me when I say, you don’t need to worry about it. I’m taking care of it.”

Dean felt sick and cold, hugging Jasper closer. The boy cooed, blinking curiously between his parents though he continued to be relatively calm.

“Look,” Dean tried to keep his tone level and his temper in check. “The last time I heard that from your mouth, or something similar anyway, it didn’t go well. So tell me.”

Castiel turned suddenly and raised his chin. “Very well. You share with me what you mean by that and I’ll reciprocate,” Castiel said archly.

Dean opened his mouth and snapped his shut again, then gritted out, “No.”

“Then, no,” Castiel returned coolly. “We’re both keeping secrets, Dean.”

“I’m doing it to protect you!” Dean shouted suddenly. Jasper whimpered. Castiel glared. Dean flinched and hushed the baby.

Castiel and Dean were locked in a stare, deep and intense. Now this was familiar ground. While it succeeded in putting Dean in recognizable territory, it also served to stab a knife through his chest. This intensity, the locked gazes, the mental stand-offs. They were all familiar, but familiar from before.

The fight went out of Dean. Now it was just scared doe-eyes and a clouded gaze. An eerily vacant smile and strangely poignant speech before Castiel came out with something completely nonsensical again. That was Dean’s reality now. Looking at this Cas in front of him though, he realized that didn’t have to be the case right now. They needed to work together, even if it meant keeping a few little secrets. Dean was doing it to protect Castiel, Castiel was likely doing the same.

“We shouldn’t fight,” Dean said quietly. “I… I don’t want to fight. Not with you, not after…”

“Yes,” Castiel agreed gently. “You’re right. We’ll just have to accept this for now, won’t we? Just please, trust that you’re safe with me.”

Now that Dean didn’t doubt for a second. He couldn’t help the unabashedly genuine, “Always.”

That made the softer, more intimate smile appear on Castiel’s familiar lips again and the angel came forward and kissed Dean without ceremony. Dean was startled for a moment and Castiel tensed, retreating.

“I-”

“Shh,” Dean interrupted, moving back in. Sometimes, he just couldn’t care anymore. This was still Castiel and he was offering comfort in his easy kisses. He was giving Dean something the green-eyed man needed right now more than he could willingly admit. So, he didn’t think and just took. Castiel made a surprised, pleased noise and drew Dean closer.

Jasper giggled between them.

Dean and Castiel pulled away but stayed close enough that their foreheads were pressed together even though they were blushing faintly and giving each other slightly self-conscious, lopsided smiles.

“That actually happens a lot,” Castiel relayed. “Jasper, I mean. John before that.”

“Oh well, at least they know their daddies love each other,” Dean chuckled.

“Yes,” Castiel said quietly.

Dean shifted back and coughed. “We should probably get going, huh? Don’t want John to get upset.”

“Yes, of course,” Castiel nodded. “I’ll get Jasper’s bag. You see if Sam and Mary are ready to go.”

Dean had to revel in how easy it was; this gentle domesticity between them. Natural, right, comfortable and for the first time since Dean arrived, he didn’t panic.

I am going to get this. He silently vowed.

Dean felt a small hand over his heart.

“Papa,” Jasper said. Dean closed his much larger hand over the baby’s and went to find Sam.

God help him, he would get this.

xx

Dean was a little startled that as soon as they crested the short hill overlooking the baseball diamond, John’s small head snapped up and turned towards them. A wide grin spread across the boy’s face and suddenly he was scrambling across the packed sand and grass, making a b-line for them. Dean, Cas, and Sam kept walking and John kept running only to collide purposely against Castiel’s legs, hugging the angel around the waist tightly.

“Papa, you made it,” John gushed.

Dean saw a flash of guilt steal over Castiel’s blue gaze and the hunter had to look away. He felt Castiel move beside him and then the angel was crouching in front of the child, hugging the boy tightly.

“I’m sorry I missed so many… I…” Castiel trailed off and Dean didn’t blame him. There was no real excuse and the one he usually used about being away for work was starting to fall flat. “I’m sorry,” Castiel just repeated instead.

“You’re here now. The game only just started. You’ll get to see me bat. They may even have me pitch when we switch. I’ve been practising and I’m getting pretty good. Dad’s been helping me in the backyard with it. He pro’ly told you though,” John bubbled, leading Castiel towards the field by the hand.

Castiel actually look surprised and shot a glance over to Dean. Dean held his one free hand up, it wasn’t him. It was Other Dean.

“No I… I hadn’t heard,” Castiel admitted.

Dean peered curiously at the archangel’s drawn expression. He looked down at Jasper who was paying no attention whatsoever and was otherwise engaged with something up in the sky.

“Well you’re no help,” Dean muttered. “Hey, ah… Sammy? Something I don’t know?”

Sam looked away. “Not my place, Dean.”

Okay, that pretty well settled it. Dean and Castiel were talking, for real. Maybe all along this wasn’t Dean’s lesson to learn.

His concerns however, were quickly put out of his head as they watched the game. Castiel getting just as, if not more, wrapped up in the children’s venture than Dean was. It was fun, more fun than Dean remembered ever having at Ben’s games. Even there he felt like a bit of an outsider. It was silly, but it was true. After all he was only Lisa’s boyfriend and some of the other moms didn’t really seem to approve. It made things a little uncomfortable for Dean when Lisa wasn’t able to make the games with him.

There was also a different sense of pride when Dean watched John. He wasn’t Dean’s, but he was. For all intents and purposes that was Dean’s kid out there, not one he was borrowing. But his - flesh, blood and soul. With a little extra tossed in courtesy of angel-grace. Also, John was a little pitching machine out there. The kid was kicking some serious ass. Dean cheered extra loud when John struck the third kid in a row out, with carefully aimed throws.

Then without thinking, Dean shouted, “That’s my boy!”

John looked over at the stands with a grin so wide Dean was nearly blinded. It didn’t help when he turned to Cas and saw an unnameable something in his blue eyes. It made Dean feel warm, at peace suddenly. Safe, welcome, where he belonged. It was right.

“I got it wrong,” Dean whispered suddenly.

Castiel heard him anyway and turned a curious gaze on Dean. “What?”

“I keep telling myself I don’t belong here, this isn’t my life. This is another Dean’s life, but that’s wrong. This is mine. Here with you, Sammy, Mary, our boys. I do belong. I’m not out of place, I’m just out of time.”

Castiel’s eyes widened.

“There’s more to it, though,” Dean foraged on. “You and I both need to learn, I think. Earlier, with John and what Sam said. I think maybe I’m here for you too, Cas. And I think we are going to have a long, serious talk when we finish up here.”

“Dean,” Castiel’s voice was wary.

Dean shook his head. “You aren’t getting out of it. I’m sorry.”

Castiel nodded stiffly.

Dean tried to dispel the seriousness of the last few minutes by reaching down with his free hand and grasping tightly at Castiel’s where it was curled on the bench between them. Castiel looked startled once again at the sudden contact but turned his palm over so they could link fingers. Shyly, Castiel squeezed back and smiled at the ground.

xx

Jasper was put down hours ago, John was in bed and hopefully asleep now and Sam had made himself and Mary scarce once he saw the intent in the matching expressions on Dean and Castiel’s faces.

Now the two, the hunter and the angel, sat in silence in the living room - more neutral than the bedroom but still unfamiliar enough for Dean to put him on edge. Castiel, unsurprisingly, had brought them both short glasses filled with whiskey. Dean took two cursory sips; Castiel hadn’t even tried for the illusion of drinking. The angel’s drink was now set aside, watery and untouched on the coffee table. Dean stared at the glass balanced on his knee. Neither of them spoke for the last twenty minutes.

“This is ridiculous,” Castiel said suddenly.

Dean quirked a grin. “Yeah.”

“I mean honestly, since when can’t we speak to one another?” Castiel huffed.

Dean grimaced. “I suppose that’s a good an opening as any.”

Castiel furrowed his brow in confusion. “I suppose you’re going to explain.”

Dean nodded stiffly. “Cas, I… What sparked this entire thing is, well, you’re keeping me in the dark on a lot of things. A hell of a lot. I do get what you’re trying to do. But in my more recent experience, you hiding anything from me doesn’t go well. I think maybe you also hide things from your Dean and I want to tell you right now that is not a path you want to go down.

“I can’t begin to put myself in the middle of your relationship, you two got way too many years on me as a couple for that, but I know you. I know him. Hiding is only going to hurt one another in the end. So just, when he gets back, you really need to tell him everything and you can get your practice in by telling me what you’ve been hiding.”

Castiel bit his lip, looked down and away, before looking back up and saying firmly, “Very well, but only with the stipulation that you will explain to me exactly where this ‘experience’ of yours stems from. I want to know what it is you have been hiding as well, Dean. I think there’s more to what is going on with you being here than you’re telling me. I think perhaps that information will help me get you back.”

“Deal,” Dean said hollowly. “I’ll tell you, just… I need you to clear some things up for me, all right? I mean Bobby kind of implied that the relationship between you and me isn’t as rosy as you’re letting on. Then John’s, well… almost desperation to have you at the game. Sam’s mysterious ‘not my place.’ I don’t get it. You and other Dean seem pretty solid, so what’s with all the trailing statements? Then there’s the whole other kettle of fish with your mysterious problems up in Heaven.”

It was Castiel’s turn to wince. “I suppose I’ve been selfish.”

“Okay…” Dean allowed.

“Please understand, Dean and I really are good together. I promise you, but things aren’t always easy. Especially lately. I have so much to take care of in Heaven, Gabriel’s been… Not at all helpful and I’m not, I’m not as present as I should be. It’s distressing John, which in turn is causing my Dean to be upset.

“We ah… fought, a few weeks ago. Pretty severely. I didn’t handle it well and disappeared for a while. We made up before you arrived here but it was still a work-in-progress. I took… advantage of you not being aware of the situation to, well… I suppose… It was nice just to have things like they used to be for a while, without the guilt and the animosity. John was very concerned for a while that you and I would be over.

“I still spoke with him while I was away but I didn’t come home. That’s why I’ve missed his last two games prior to this one, because you and I weren’t getting along. That wasn’t fair to John and I regret it but… You and I do have a tendency to bring out the worst in one another.”

Dean couldn’t deny that.

“Well, that’s not too bad,” Dean shrugged. “I mean I guess it was unfair of you to imply that we were the perfect couple but I get why you did. I’m not your Dean, and maybe knowing all your problems kind of intruded on your personal life. There’s more to it, though. You haven’t been running off in a tizzy the last few times because you and I were arguing.”

“No, you’re right,” Castiel nodded. “A few of the angels up in Heaven have been restless with your presence here - Anxious that it may disrupt our world. As I told you, you aren’t merely out of time here, you’re out of place. You have a different past than we do which makes you an anomaly.

“Different futures are one thing, but different pasts are… unsettling. It implies alternate realities. Alternate realties shouldn’t cross out of sync. I tried to assure them that your presence here was legitimate and that I would not risk my children. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t trust me.

“Gabriel was missing and I had to locate him. That is the only way their fears would be put aside. Gabriel is technically God’s Voice, now that he remains the only original archangel. They wanted to hear from him that this was all in The Plan. Even if it wasn’t Our Father’s Plan.”

Castiel was hasty to add, “It’s all taken care of now.”

“Did they… Did they want to hurt me?” Dean asked uneasily.

“Yes,” Castiel answered quietly. “I didn’t want you to be concerned.”

They lapsed into quiet at that, silently mulling over what Castiel just revealed. Dean hoped (futilely he knew) that Castiel would forget to ask about Dean’s own evasions.

Castiel finally leaned forward and took a long sip from his drink, before he set it down on the table, the heavy glass bottom loud on the wood. “Your turn.”

Dean winced. “I really wish you wouldn’t ask. It really isn’t important. I mean in this world, it doesn’t matter.”

“I told you mine,” Castiel said pointedly. “That was the deal, Dean.”

Dean flinched. “Fucking deals.”

“I gather that implies far more than what just transpired between the two of us.”

“Yeah, a fuck-load more,” Dean said bitterly. “I…” He really didn’t know how to begin.

Castiel contemplated for a moment before speaking, “I know where you were before you arrived here. I’m aware something bad happened between you and your Castiel and that your timeline skewed dramatically from the one I am familiar with. What with your entire year with Lisa and the implication that something occurred with Sam’s wall. I also know that you’ve mentioned your Castiel’s insanity on multiple occasions. What I don’t know is all the why of everything. Does that help to give you a focal point?”

“Yeah, I guess. I’m not entirely clear on everything myself. I don’t know why you made such massively different decisions in my world than in this one.”

“Why I did?” Castiel asked with no little trepidation.

“Yeah, Cas. You,” Dean said sadly. “Maybe we’ll never figure it out - all the whys of everything - but my world goes off kilter a lot sooner than you may think. I mean, after Sam left, you did too and I don’t mean as just a day trip. I mean you left. There were no surprise visits at Lisa’s. No relaying of information on Crowley and you were the one to pull Sam out, despite him being soulless.

“Maybe that was the first straw, you know? You feeling that guilt that you brought Sam back wrong maybe stopped you from coming to me when you could have. I think you tried. One day I seemed to feel you there, but you never appeared. I didn’t realize until later - way later - that my feeling you without you appearing was a possibility. You seemed more than inclined to play the invisible man in my world,” Dean couldn’t help the bitterness that slipped out.

Castiel furrowed his brow. “That’s… I find that peculiar.”

“Well hold onto your trench coat, Sweetheart, it gets weirder,” Dean sighed. “You were MIA pretty consistently that year. You would tell us that it was the War in Heaven thing keeping you so occupied and of course I believed you, for the most part. You may have been more distant than I was used to but you were still Cas. Sam was a little harder to persuade and Bobby was on the fence for most of it. They weren’t aware of our, ah… previous relationship though.”

“We weren’t together any longer?” Castiel frowned.

“No,” Dean shook his head. “I guess not. I mean, Dude, you left me for a year an entire year. Then you were away more than you were there and it just… It really hurt, honestly. I was covering it up with my angst over Lisa. Sam thought that’s what it was. I just let him go on thinking it.

“We figured out he was soulless pretty quickly and I just couldn’t deal. Not with him, and not with you. Or the lack of both of you, I guess. It was rough, I clung to Lisa as long as I could but it was never really real. Despite what I fooled myself into thinking. It was all you, Man. I only really just realized that fairly recently, to be honest. Anyway, things were rough but they seemed to get better after we thought you killed Crowley.”

“Thought I did?”

“Yeah, I’m getting to that. Things were pretty good, you were around more often, helping more, coming when we called like old times and I thought we might be able to get back on track. Then… then shit hit the fan it a huge way. We found out what Crowley had been up to; he wanted Purgatory. Which I understand was consistent with your world.”

“Yes,” Castiel nodded.

“Well, Crowley went overboard in mine and I don’t know if it happened in yours, but out of revenge, the Mother of All was pulled out of Purgatory.”

Castiel shook his head. “She never manifested in my timeline. It was close, but no, she didn’t.”

Dean sighed, feeling sick. This Castiel’s response implied more than what he had originally thought or hoped. Crowley had only been as sadistic as he was with the monsters because of Castiel. Dean didn’t want to dwell on that too much, not right now. It didn’t change anything anymore.

“Anyway, we found out that my Cas was working with Crowley all along. I had him trapped in Holy Fire. Holy Fire, can you imagine? I know what that does to an angel, how it pushes them to the brink, but I did it anyway; that’s how terrified I was.”

Castiel let out a shaky breath. “Crowley did, well, he tried to convert me. I was working with him for a short while and yes, it was behind Dean’s back for a time but he managed to convince me to stop. D… did you try?”

Dean closed his eyes. “God, of course I did. I tried so hard to keep my trust in you, to convince you what you were doing was wrong but, well, it didn’t take. Maybe a part of you was bitter over Lisa, or maybe you were just that damn scared. I don’t even know, Man, it just seemed… well it seemed fucking out of character for you, is what is seemed. Nothing I said worked and…” Dean took a deep breath, “This is the part that I really wanted to avoid telling you.”

Castiel nodded stiffly. “I’m ready.”

“I hadn’t been able to convince you to stop working with Crowley, like I said, you two were getting closer to what you needed, too. I tried intervening one more time but everything just blew up from there. Lisa and Ben were abducted, you helped torture and kill Bobby’s ex-girlfriend who was a Purgatory Beast that had been in hiding for years. Then,” a deep breath, “then you broke Sam’s wall.”

Castiel recoiled as if he had been slapped, slowly shaking his head. “How could I- No, I can’t believe…”

Dean closed his eyes. “It’s true. You broke it. Put him out of commission to distract me because you and Crowley made a deal to rip open Purgatory then share the souls. Though I gathered after he took Ben and Lisa, you changed the plan. You wanted me to back you up so bad, Cas, to trust you, but after everything I just couldn’t and I didn’t. I don’t know if that’s what eventually pushed you over the edge but something did and you stole the spell, the blood. Everything.

“You opened Purgatory and sucked up everything you could. You killed Balthazar, killed Raphael and then… Then declared yourself the new God.”

Castiel was utterly still and silent, and also pale as a sheet. Dean plowed forward with his eyes closed and didn’t see.

“You basically went on a spree, though oddly enough, kept Crowley alive. Then the souls got too much and they started eating away at you. Eventually, after weeks you realized what was happening and came to us for help, but by then it was way too late. They had already latched onto you. We got the souls put back but…”

“What?” Castiel’s voice was cracked and raw, barely a whisper and barely loud enough for Dean to catch.

“The Leviathan wouldn’t let go,” Dean whispered.

“No,” Castiel whispered.

“I’m sorry, you let them out. They began to slowly take over the country. Filtering out through the water and you… I thought you died. You just disappeared into the water and didn’t come back up. We went on without you - Sam, Bobby and I. Then Sam’s wall started to crumble and he began to lose it; we kept it at bay for a while but then Bobby died.”

“No.”

“God, I really don’t… I lost everyone. Sam was insane, you were gone in the drink. At the time, we thought Bobby was gone completely. I had to lock Sam up, Cas. There was nothing else I could do, the wall was gone and I couldn’t help. One last ditch effort, I called everyone I could think of; all the while the Leviathans were getting closer and closer to taking over the world. Then… Then I found you again.”

Dean finally looked at Castiel. “You were alive, but you weren’t you. You were posing as a healer, with a wife and all and I couldn’t even. Just seeing you again, everything came flooding back and I was so mad. No, I was fucking pissed, but you didn’t even know who the fuck you were! You were some bastard named Emmanuel who had been alive for months helping people, and I didn’t even know. You didn’t know me! You didn’t come back to me. Though I still needed you.

“I took you to Sam and well… A lot of shit happened but you remembered and then I… I lost. You. Again. You took Sam’s hell-baggage and you were gone. We left you, out of your mind in that loony-bin. I barely looked back but it was all still there. The anger, the fear and even, God, even a little bit of disgust.”

Castiel winced.

“Then-”

“I don’t want to hear anymore,” Castiel whispered, his eyes bright and wild. “I can’t, I can’t hear anymore. Please, I… This isn’t…” Castiel was standing, backing away something very close to terror blazoned across his face.

Dean recognized it all too easily and he stood quickly, reaching out. “No, no… Look I-”

“No! Stop! Stop. I can’t…”

“Castiel, that’s not the end,” Dean tried reaching out.

“It’s enough,” Castiel keened, eyes swimming with tears. Then in a blink the angel was gone.

“Cas?! Castiel!” Dean shouted to the ceiling. “Castiel! It didn’t end there, listen to me! It’s okay now, I mean it! Cas! Please!”

Nothing.

“Please,” Dean croaked, throat tight and eyes wet.

After that Dean went outside and screamed himself hoarse. He was grateful he still had presence of mind enough to take his frantic calls out of doors in order to avoid waking up the three children in the house. Sam, still with hunter senses tuned or just brother instincts flaring, found Dean about an hour later. His worry was clear on his face, hazel eyes anxious in the dim light.

Dean was sagged against the Impala at this point; he had tried explaining during his monologue about how the whole mess with his Cas was water under the bridge now, but Dean wasn’t even sure if his pleas reached Castiel’s ears wherever the angel had flitted off to.

Dean had done exactly what he had been attempting to avoid since he arrived in this messed-up world - Destroyed someone else’s life as effectively as his own. Did he break this world’s Castiel? Send him off the deep-end? Dean was so raw with emotion and worry that he probably wasn’t thinking all that straight but still, Castiel was gone.

“Damnit Cas! What about your boys?” Dean shouted out loud, voice wrecked.

“Your boys too, Dean,” Sam said quietly.

Dean flinched. “No.”

“Dean,” Sam pleaded. “What do you mean? What happened?”

“I tricked myself, Sam. I tricked myself into thinking I wouldn’t fuck this life up as royally as I fucked up my own, but because we fucking agreed on fucking full disclosure I screwed it all up. Cas told me him and his Dean didn’t get on all the time like everyone hinted at, but only after I promised to tell him the whole truth, now look what I’ve done. They were only just back on track and I may have broken his Cas just like I broke my own. He didn’t even let me finish, Sam. I wasn’t done.

“My Cas sure screwed up big time, but I was on my way to forgiving him almost whole hog, I really was. I… I didn’t have the luxury at the time to keep holding grudges. We needed Cas and Cas needed me to forgive him. Even just a little. At the end of the night, how could I not, you know? He was still Cas. All of us fucked up more than any creature - human or otherwise - should be entitled to, really, but if we can’t forgive one another for it, what do we got left? But before I could finish he just,” Dean made an aborted gesture with his hand and let it drop with a loud slap against his thigh.

“Dean, what happened?” Sam asked gently, coming over to lean next to Dean. “In your world?”

“I can’t,” Dean shook his head. “Not again.”

xx

It had been two days since Castiel had taken off. Two days without a sighting or a word. John was beginning to get anxious, Dean could tell and not only that, the boy would flash him accusatory little glares from time to time, when John thought Dean couldn’t see. Dean didn’t know if those glares were directed at him-him because John suspected, or if they were directed at dad-him because John blamed Dean for Castiel taking off again. Dean though, honestly, was just way too tired to figure it out.

The last several nights, ever since Castiel left, Dean’s sleep had been restless, filled with vivid Purgatory dreams that always left Dean waking up confused. It was starting to wear him down and everyone could sense it. Dean was trying his best for the boys, Mary, and Sam but he knew it was falling a little flat. Dean really, honestly didn’t know how to be this man that they all expected him to be. Even Sam, who knew the truth, seemed to expect more than Dean could give, especially on top of being so tired.

Maybe though, maybe if he could just get some proper sleep he’d be all right again. Maybe if he just took a little nap the dreams wouldn’t affect him. Then he could be better, for everyone. Then he could try again to contact Cas. For real instead of just his rapid babbling in times when he was alone, or just with Jasper.

“Sam?” Dean found his brother downstairs reading to Mary in the small living area Sam had set up in the open space near the far wall of the basement.

“Hiya Unca Dean,” Mary greeted shyly.

“Hey Princess,” Dean smiled. Hopefully the girl wouldn’t be able to tell it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Yeah Dean?” Sam asked, standing up like an eager puppy, almost vibrating in his need to help.

“I’d hate to… I mean, this sucks of me to ask, but could you watch the boys for a bit? I think… I just really need to get some sleep.”

Sam nodded. “Sure thing, Dean. You rest, you look like you need it.”

Dean smiled again, this time more genuine even if it was small. “Cool. Thanks Sam. You’re awesome. Just two hours, shouldn’t need more than that. If I’m not up by then wake me, all right? Then the five of us can go out for dinner or something. My treat.”

“Sure, whatever you want, Dean.”

“Night-night , sleep-tight!” Mary called after Dean’s retreating back.

Dean turned for a moment to thank the girl then headed back upstairs. Yeah, all he needed was sleep.

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