(no subject)
Rosie's dad died three weeks ago on Saturday. I still can't believe it. When I think about it I almost feel as if I'm being choked, more than a lump in my throat, I feel like I can't breathe. I've never had that feeling before. Sometimes I get so worked up about this happening to my mom that I can't even think straight. Rosie is all alone. She has no parents. When my mom dies I'll have no parents. I'll be an orphan. I can't even imagine. I don't know what I'll do. This is so hard. I haven't seen Rosie since right after the funeral, she has quit calling anyone back saying that its too hard to be around us because we remind her of him and it kills me. She apparently has a new Emily, she goes taking pictures with her and they go out of town together. It is awful. I missed her so much when she was married and when she left him I was so happy to have someone to talk to again, to hang out with and not have to say anything and be totally comfortable. This is all so fucked up. Rosie's dad was the only man that I truly respected. I never asked him fatherly things but I know if I did he would have never hesitated. They called me their second daughter. I can't believe he's gone. One time he asked me to take pictures of his company's partners; I told him the price that I was going to charge and he told me to "tack a couple extra hundred on" in fees and such. He was always looking out for my mom and me. I haven't cried since his funeral, I haven't felt the need but tonight with all of the shit going on with Rosie it's hit me. When my mom dies I'll need to be heavily sedated. I hate this feeling. I hate not knowing what the future holds. I hate hurting like this.