Five Memories that Make Severus Smile
This is for drusillas_rain
Severus’ mind opens up in layers. In the outermost layer are the things that he wants to be seen; the ways he has been wronged, his anger, his prejudices. These things pollute the surface for anyone who might dip into his mind to see. The second layer, if one digs, contains his pride, his desire for recognition and power, and any grudge he has ever had. These things are only somewhat hidden, not enough that someone would have to work very hard to find them. If you peal that away there are his secret humiliations; school day antics, his father, being dressed down by the Dark Lord; all the things that wound his pride.
There is no wall between the truth and the lies and the poisonous thoughts seep into one another so that sometimes he can’t even remember that hidden in places only he would think to look are memories that make him smile.
5. It’s the smell of tobacco that makes him think of his father: A large man rolling a cigarette with one hand as he gesticulated with the other, precise like no one else. His father bought him his first drink, taught him how to fix a flat, and gave him his first lecture.
He can picture his father shaking his head and grinning with pride so many years ago, and Severus can’t help but smile too as those faint and few memories of his father’s love wash over him.
4. Even in the years when Severus did not have to hide his thoughts and feelings in layers of bitterness, he still tended to dwell quite a bit on things he’d said and made himself feel foolish, or times others had humiliated him. The thoughts of himself, a great fool in the scheme of things tended to fester in his mind until he remembered a time he had been incredibly clever.
There were times he had said just the right thing, no one could respond. He’d been sharp, smart and even funny. Those moments would never cease to make him smile, even while pretending not to care what other’s thought.
3. Drinking with Minerva his first year as a teacher, Severus realised that teachers were actually people outside of the classroom. He still smiles when he thinks back on the things he learned about her that night.
2. Severus has his acceptance letter to Hogwarts pressed between the pages of an old book along with the letter asking him to come teach. Sometimes he takes them out and reads them, thinking of Dumbledore. If he is not careful he will imagine the helpless look in the man’s eyes just before he flies over the astronomy tower and Severus will not sleep that night, but the thoughts of Dumbledore when he was alive make Severus smile. The world is unlikely to see a more stubborn manipulative man.
1. Severus struggled with making a patronus. He never would have bothered with it at all if it weren’t for the Order’s ridiculous idea to use them to send communications. A happy memory was a hard thing to pin-down. Even if you live a normal life with very little misery, the level of positive energy needed to create the patronus is hard to come up with.
It was Dumbledore that reminded him how slippery memories really were. They can be altered, modified, even fabricated altogether. Severus had many false memories littered about for the curious legilimens, but only one false memory kept hidden.
Someday, he promises himself every time he draws the energy for a patronus, he will discover if those lips are really as soft as he’s supposed. There will be plenty of time to convince Remus he deserves a chance after the world is normal again.
My apologies for any misspellings or grammar oddities. And... If anyone else is interested in playing this meme with me I am still taking topics over here: 5 fandom things meme
Severus’ mind opens up in layers. In the outermost layer are the things that he wants to be seen; the ways he has been wronged, his anger, his prejudices. These things pollute the surface for anyone who might dip into his mind to see. The second layer, if one digs, contains his pride, his desire for recognition and power, and any grudge he has ever had. These things are only somewhat hidden, not enough that someone would have to work very hard to find them. If you peal that away there are his secret humiliations; school day antics, his father, being dressed down by the Dark Lord; all the things that wound his pride.
There is no wall between the truth and the lies and the poisonous thoughts seep into one another so that sometimes he can’t even remember that hidden in places only he would think to look are memories that make him smile.
5. It’s the smell of tobacco that makes him think of his father: A large man rolling a cigarette with one hand as he gesticulated with the other, precise like no one else. His father bought him his first drink, taught him how to fix a flat, and gave him his first lecture.
He can picture his father shaking his head and grinning with pride so many years ago, and Severus can’t help but smile too as those faint and few memories of his father’s love wash over him.
4. Even in the years when Severus did not have to hide his thoughts and feelings in layers of bitterness, he still tended to dwell quite a bit on things he’d said and made himself feel foolish, or times others had humiliated him. The thoughts of himself, a great fool in the scheme of things tended to fester in his mind until he remembered a time he had been incredibly clever.
There were times he had said just the right thing, no one could respond. He’d been sharp, smart and even funny. Those moments would never cease to make him smile, even while pretending not to care what other’s thought.
3. Drinking with Minerva his first year as a teacher, Severus realised that teachers were actually people outside of the classroom. He still smiles when he thinks back on the things he learned about her that night.
2. Severus has his acceptance letter to Hogwarts pressed between the pages of an old book along with the letter asking him to come teach. Sometimes he takes them out and reads them, thinking of Dumbledore. If he is not careful he will imagine the helpless look in the man’s eyes just before he flies over the astronomy tower and Severus will not sleep that night, but the thoughts of Dumbledore when he was alive make Severus smile. The world is unlikely to see a more stubborn manipulative man.
1. Severus struggled with making a patronus. He never would have bothered with it at all if it weren’t for the Order’s ridiculous idea to use them to send communications. A happy memory was a hard thing to pin-down. Even if you live a normal life with very little misery, the level of positive energy needed to create the patronus is hard to come up with.
It was Dumbledore that reminded him how slippery memories really were. They can be altered, modified, even fabricated altogether. Severus had many false memories littered about for the curious legilimens, but only one false memory kept hidden.
Someday, he promises himself every time he draws the energy for a patronus, he will discover if those lips are really as soft as he’s supposed. There will be plenty of time to convince Remus he deserves a chance after the world is normal again.
My apologies for any misspellings or grammar oddities. And... If anyone else is interested in playing this meme with me I am still taking topics over here: 5 fandom things meme