[0014]
I think perhaps I shouldn't attend my classes this week. I will arrange for my work to be brought home and taken back, it isn't a concern. Much is going on this week that seems to need my attention. Here's hoping things are less complicated busy soon.
I need a drink. And some anesthetics.
Push, and pull. It is relentless, my behavior. Try as I might to dictate it, there is no way to grasp at a solution without first admitting that I have a problem. I am resigned to do so. Even if part of my subconscious is aware of that which I deny, if I don’t acknowledge it, how can it affect me?
It began as something simple. A dinner, some drinks and dancing. And to sew it all together, a cliché kiss outside her house. It developed into something that showed smalls signs of continuity. Irritation, like a red flag, began to flutter in the air. And then in the bright lights of this temporary release we were blinded. The train wreck that followed was long, painful, and obliterated everything.
I am sure it will scar.
With expectations exceeded, and expectations defeated, I am left to sit here after it all feeling as though somehow I have failed at something that should have, could have, and maybe did matter...
It is this, however, that I know for fact. She wants of me something that which I cannot give. She looks at me with transparent reflections of her thoughts, her eyes telling all. And when we fall into the deep end with one another and we’re face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and I am forced to see the underneath and all she tries to hide, I never cease to loath myself. She leaves me feeling weak, and for that I resent her. What gives her right to try and hold such dominance over me? Why do I have to feel, when it is all said and done, that whatever I may further desire from her is not permissible, thus leaving me to do without and feel such a hollow emptiness?
How is it that someone like her can vex me in such ways?
It matters not, does it? Perhaps I should just carry on as though things had never been said. I could do so, block out the afflictions of the mind that consume me. I could use her, abuse her, then throw her away like people would assume of me to do. And though I do not wish to, I could say things to her that she might like to hear, make them sound believable, when I myself would never believe a word that comes from my lips. I feel everything I say is a double edged sword, tainted with a thin and unnoticable layer of poison. And I could poison her. But the question remains... Should I?
I feel more obliged to walk away and just forget the goings on between us. We could still be friends, still talk. But if I allow for her to get too close and if I allow myself to accept her in a way different than I already have, she'd be in danger. She'd put others in danger. And though none of it would be intentional, it would still be so.
Well... I have a long while to think of it. I won't be going to school the rest of this week. And I won't be acting until I'm sure of the outcome... and the concequences.
Meme
01. Who is this?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?
04. How have I affected you?
05. What do you think of me?
06. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
07. How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
08. Do you love me?
09. Have I ever hurt you?
10. Would you hug me?
11. Would you kiss me?
12. Would you marry me?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What about me makes you happy?
25. What about me makes you sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. What's something you would change about me?
28. How well do you know me?
29. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
30. Do you think I would kill someone?
31. Are we close?
32. Will you post this somewhere to see what people say about you?
I need a drink. And some anesthetics.
Push, and pull. It is relentless, my behavior. Try as I might to dictate it, there is no way to grasp at a solution without first admitting that I have a problem. I am resigned to do so. Even if part of my subconscious is aware of that which I deny, if I don’t acknowledge it, how can it affect me?
It began as something simple. A dinner, some drinks and dancing. And to sew it all together, a cliché kiss outside her house. It developed into something that showed smalls signs of continuity. Irritation, like a red flag, began to flutter in the air. And then in the bright lights of this temporary release we were blinded. The train wreck that followed was long, painful, and obliterated everything.
I am sure it will scar.
With expectations exceeded, and expectations defeated, I am left to sit here after it all feeling as though somehow I have failed at something that should have, could have, and maybe did matter...
It is this, however, that I know for fact. She wants of me something that which I cannot give. She looks at me with transparent reflections of her thoughts, her eyes telling all. And when we fall into the deep end with one another and we’re face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and I am forced to see the underneath and all she tries to hide, I never cease to loath myself. She leaves me feeling weak, and for that I resent her. What gives her right to try and hold such dominance over me? Why do I have to feel, when it is all said and done, that whatever I may further desire from her is not permissible, thus leaving me to do without and feel such a hollow emptiness?
How is it that someone like her can vex me in such ways?
It matters not, does it? Perhaps I should just carry on as though things had never been said. I could do so, block out the afflictions of the mind that consume me. I could use her, abuse her, then throw her away like people would assume of me to do. And though I do not wish to, I could say things to her that she might like to hear, make them sound believable, when I myself would never believe a word that comes from my lips. I feel everything I say is a double edged sword, tainted with a thin and unnoticable layer of poison. And I could poison her. But the question remains... Should I?
I feel more obliged to walk away and just forget the goings on between us. We could still be friends, still talk. But if I allow for her to get too close and if I allow myself to accept her in a way different than I already have, she'd be in danger. She'd put others in danger. And though none of it would be intentional, it would still be so.
Well... I have a long while to think of it. I won't be going to school the rest of this week. And I won't be acting until I'm sure of the outcome... and the concequences.
Meme
01. Who is this?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?
04. How have I affected you?
05. What do you think of me?
06. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
07. How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
08. Do you love me?
09. Have I ever hurt you?
10. Would you hug me?
11. Would you kiss me?
12. Would you marry me?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What about me makes you happy?
25. What about me makes you sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. What's something you would change about me?
28. How well do you know me?
29. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
30. Do you think I would kill someone?
31. Are we close?
32. Will you post this somewhere to see what people say about you?