Story: Guilt Stricken
Title: Guilt Stricken
Chapters: 1/1
Band: The Gazette
Pairings: Reita/Aoi, Reita/Ruki
Rating: R/Light NC-17
Genres: Drama, mystery, suspense, angst
Warnings: Sexual situations
Summary: Hurting you was my biggest crime.
The small grate opened and little bits of light freckled through the metal divider, dappling the front of Reita’s plain white shirt. The tiny room smelled of stale cigarette smoke and sweat, both indicators of the type of person that usually found themselves situated in this place. It was indicative of crimes of the soul; though Reita didn’t believe in the institution of divinity as man would have it, he was compulsive about his own commitment to the art of worship.
It was a tool, instead, in which he indulged in when the moment struck him. It was in fact that - an indulgence. Typically, he would wrap himself up in the brick and mortar, which existed as an edifice of mockery, and follow through with the practices out of habit. He found little meaning in forgiving the acts that would brand him as damned to hell for eternity. It was hypocrisy, yet he couldn’t resist it. He believed wholly that his soul was his own and that he could do with it as he wished. His belief extended passed the man made institution of dogmatic law.
Yet still he was there and this time with more passion and interest than he ever had been. More often than not, he would remain on the bench and look forward, never glancing toward the brassy grate that separated him from the one who would bear witness to whatever confessions fell from his lips. Most of the time he would be fairly smug and ask the father to bless him for his whatever benign passing atrocity he could think of. Never had he sat beyond the divider and asked to truly be forgiven, never had he though any of his wrong doings worthy of admittance to another man.
He was momentarily perched, however, as close to the grate as he could be. His face was naked of the band that usually sat across the bridge of his nose and concealed part of his face. His fingers were clasped together and he bowed his head deeply enough that his flat, long bangs played across his eyelashes and tickled his nose.
“Forgive me father…for I have sinned…” he said automatically. His voice quivered and he was visibly shaking. The white shirt, dotted with bits of light from the holes in the grate, showed that the fabric wasn’t as bright as it should be. Instead, it was smeared with a variety of filth and grime. Reita’s chest heaved lightly and he tired to stable his breathing with deep, shaking breaths. For the first time in his life, he thought he might actually utter a word of value to a near stranger, who had just as many imperfections, with the hope of reprieve; from what - he wasn’t sure.
“It has been…I don’t even know how long it’s been. A few weeks? Yeah, probably a few weeks. Fuck it.” Reita breathed heavily. “It’s been an entire lifetime since I confessed. But I’m here to say it now. Hear me…please.” His voice shook again, but this time with force and demand laced under the panic and worry. There was silence, which seemed to Reita as both damning and an invitation to speak. It could have been seconds or minutes of empty air, his head didn’t register it in time--simply that it happened at all. He closed the hushed silence with his own voice.
“I buried a dead body.” He said firmly. “Dead, it was dead. Totally dead. Have you ever touched a dead body? Don’t answer that.” He closed his eyes and snapped the words out quickly. “Cold. It was cold and…” he swallowed hard, the saliva of his mouth stuck to the back of his throat and make his dry throat scratchier, “...limp.” He could still feel the flesh between his fingers and the weight of a lifeless person’s body in his hands. The way her eyes had puffed up out of their sockets and there was no color to her as her skin seemed to be growing translucent. She had been heavy if only because she wasn’t helping carry herself as she was moved.
The priest seemed to notice that Reita had trailed off, likely trapped in his own thoughts. “Did you kill this body?” He asked slowly and Reita felt bile crawl up his esophagus as the implication. It hadn’t occurred to him that he left out details in his attempt at simply getting to the part he needed someone to hear; someone who he expected to keep silent. That was why he’d arrived at the church at all - he expected that the person who was to hear what he had to say would never utter a word of his tale.
“No.” He said plainly. “I had nothing to do with it.” There was a hint of offense in his tone. He was offended by the mere suggestion; he was illogically annoyed by it, simply because the rational conclusion led backwards and landed the other man at the ‘why’ of it all. It was then that Reita knew it was coming and he gulped. His eyes fluttered shut, but he knew he couldn’t escape the words as the priest had already uttered them.
“Then how did you come by this body?”
That was his real crime…
________________
“Please…”
It was the only thing he had had to utter to get Reita to respond. Years had been leading to this and Reita had no intention of ignoring it. He loved Aoi. There was no question about it. His mind, heart and soul belonged to him; but Reita couldn’t deny the fact that his body desired Ruki. Aoi did all the things he needed and some of the things he wanted. However, there was lust for Ruki. Raw, carnal emotion that seeped into Reita's body and seemed to take him over completely. It had been there for longer than Reita knew.
He assumed that if he could just have Ruki, just once, he would be able to put it behind him and give himself entirely to Aoi without looking back. But no part of Reita was prepared to ask…to beg Ruki for the one chance he needed to consummate his existence with Aoi and Aoi alone.
Therefore when Ruki presented himself and the opportunity, Reita was quick to accept. There was guilt in the first kiss, their lips softly meeting in a curious and nervous way. Guilt he expected to wash away with each passing connection. But the next one brought no solace to his soul and only drove him deeper into regret morally, emotionally. On the other hand - he peaked; his body didn't care what his heart felt as blood pooled in his lower abdomen. Like spoiled teenagers they found reprieve in the back of Ruki’s car.
Their clothes were off and strewn about the car before either had a chance to fully register that they’d gone missing. Instead, they found excitement in the feel of each others bodies. Reita’s hands roamed Ruki’s chest, memorizing the dips and curves of his chest and arms while Ruki found intense interest in feeling Reita’s back. It was as if every touch sent a ripple of intense heat through them and Reita couldn't get enough of how that heat gathered in one place. Their mouths remained connected and their tongues wrestled frantically in the heat embrace that had already started to fog the windows.
Reita could feel Ruki’s arousal pushing against his stomach and in return his own tightened in the confines of his skin, aching for attention. Ruki was aware that Reita belonged to Aoi, even if the band ignored it, and still he opted to challenge their affection by luring Reita away. His emotion was not that of guilt, as Reita, instead Ruki was full of confidence and triumph for having stolen the bassist and he had every intention of enjoying him.
It would be their secret.
Ruki was pressed against the backseat, his shoulders digging hard into the fabric of it as Reita pushed him hard, dominating him in that short moment. Ruki cooed a soft noise of pleasure as Reita released one hand so he could use it to prepare and explore Ruki's body. With one finger first, he did and then with a second to fully ready him for what was to come. It was then that Ruki opened his mouth and asked again, with a ragged and longing breath, ‘please’.
Reita didn’t falter nor did he hesitate before burying himself into Ruki, his body trembling against Ruki's in the excitement that ran through him. The guilt he expected to evaporate only skyrocketed in his very heart, however he knew it to be the case as the sheer amount of pleasure, stimulation and final desire was met and achieved by another.There was excitement and heightened pleasure in the act. He both craved it still, he craved the feeling of Ruki around him, and yet he despised how it made his heart ache with discomfort.
Certainly with each thrust, each moan that accompanied it and each following kiss, Reita grew closer to his end. Ruki’s body was warm wrapped around him and Reita felt himself twitch inside of Ruki as they rocked in harmony. His panting and deep moans of ecstasy in the movements Reita made as he invaded his body longingly only added to the tension in Reita's hips as his body desperately held a moment longer on the sensation.
Reita could feel the blood forced to his arousal, matched by Ruki’s as his own hand had found its way around the stiff shaft. He worked it simultaneously to their actions, Ruki's pants more ragged as his body fit snugly with Reita's. They were rapidly reaching their climaxes and Reita thrust harder and faster as the sensation began to fully fill his body. However, before they reached that point, a bang echoed out around them, loud enough to rattle the windows and make both of them stop moving in an insant.
Reita didn’t remember dressing himself, but panic had filled him and Ruki’s terrified expression told him that his lover was just as frightened as he was. Surely their already frantically beating hearts had stopped in their scare. They scrambled out of the car, each stumbling to catch their footing against the dirt packed ground. The only thing beyond the safety of their cocoon was a woman’s body, lying in a crumpled heap a little ways away from them.
Blood ran freely from a gun shot wound to her head and they stared dumbly at her. Reita’s former heated blood chilled to the point of arctic and Ruki turned away, the sound of him emptying his stomach resonated in the back of Reita’s ears. He couldn’t find it in himself to move and he wondered briefly, selfishly and greedily, if this was his payment for his immoral actions, actions that hadn’t even come to full fruition.
His eyes narrowed before they closed. They stood in silence, Ruki leaned over the edge of his car, holding his stomach and Reita unable to peel his eyes away from the body, for many minutes. Reita considered calling the police and Ruki voiced the same thing. However, the moment that happened, their secret wouldn’t be a secret anymore nor would it be exclusive to them. There would be questions about their reason for being there and at such an hour; it would be obvious to those who knew them and it was a fate neither was prepared for.
______________
Reita swallowed hard. “It was just there.” He said, sweat breaking out across his forehead as he felt his last meal churn in his stomach. He had touched the body, dug a hole for it, and watched it vanish under layers of dirt - one shovel full offered by him and then a second by Ruki. Yet the thought of his body inside anyone but Aoi, as committed as he was to him, disgusted him more - no matter how much he enjoyed it, no matter how much Ruki aroused him - than the memory of a lifeless carcass of which he was the last to see.
He was aware of how horrible his treatment of the dead was, he knew that there were moral obligations to be had and that his deception in the last of two to see her should be eating at his soul. Yet he had decided, long before this moment, that Aoi meant more to him than the spiritless chassis which once housed a person. That the betrayal marking that particular night was more heart breaking than aiding in a crime.
Had Reita belief in the institution of what the very establishment he knelt in meant, he might have uttered what had happened. Had he the fortitude to trust in the practice, he might have muttered a few more words. However, Reita didn’t. As he blinked away tears in his eyes, he momentarily wondered why he’d come to this particular place at all. He found no solace in his genuflection, clinging to the very last bits of his dignity that were transparent even to him.
“It was just there and I happened to be there too.”
“Why didn’t you call the authorities?”
Probed. Reita felt as if the other man could see right into his soul and he wondered if he could even lie. His eyes fluttered down to his clasped hands, observing their shakiness. Clutching tighter to his own knuckles, he willed them to settled down. If they could be still, so could his head and fast beating heart. Reita took in a few short breaths and let the final one out a little more coolly. “I don’t know.” He uttered the fabrication, seamlessly committing once more to the secrecy that he and Ruki had already promised to. If they already had one secret, they could keep another and for it he would damn his soul should it mean keeping Aoi’s emotional being safe.
He slipped back away from the grate and sat in his customary position, lacking in the reverence he’d expressed moments before. “What is my penance, father?”
A/N: Thanks very much for reading!! I appreciate it a lot. Hopefully it wasn't too horrible. Spare me if it was. ^_^
Chapters: 1/1
Band: The Gazette
Pairings: Reita/Aoi, Reita/Ruki
Rating: R/Light NC-17
Genres: Drama, mystery, suspense, angst
Warnings: Sexual situations
Summary: Hurting you was my biggest crime.
The small grate opened and little bits of light freckled through the metal divider, dappling the front of Reita’s plain white shirt. The tiny room smelled of stale cigarette smoke and sweat, both indicators of the type of person that usually found themselves situated in this place. It was indicative of crimes of the soul; though Reita didn’t believe in the institution of divinity as man would have it, he was compulsive about his own commitment to the art of worship.
It was a tool, instead, in which he indulged in when the moment struck him. It was in fact that - an indulgence. Typically, he would wrap himself up in the brick and mortar, which existed as an edifice of mockery, and follow through with the practices out of habit. He found little meaning in forgiving the acts that would brand him as damned to hell for eternity. It was hypocrisy, yet he couldn’t resist it. He believed wholly that his soul was his own and that he could do with it as he wished. His belief extended passed the man made institution of dogmatic law.
Yet still he was there and this time with more passion and interest than he ever had been. More often than not, he would remain on the bench and look forward, never glancing toward the brassy grate that separated him from the one who would bear witness to whatever confessions fell from his lips. Most of the time he would be fairly smug and ask the father to bless him for his whatever benign passing atrocity he could think of. Never had he sat beyond the divider and asked to truly be forgiven, never had he though any of his wrong doings worthy of admittance to another man.
He was momentarily perched, however, as close to the grate as he could be. His face was naked of the band that usually sat across the bridge of his nose and concealed part of his face. His fingers were clasped together and he bowed his head deeply enough that his flat, long bangs played across his eyelashes and tickled his nose.
“Forgive me father…for I have sinned…” he said automatically. His voice quivered and he was visibly shaking. The white shirt, dotted with bits of light from the holes in the grate, showed that the fabric wasn’t as bright as it should be. Instead, it was smeared with a variety of filth and grime. Reita’s chest heaved lightly and he tired to stable his breathing with deep, shaking breaths. For the first time in his life, he thought he might actually utter a word of value to a near stranger, who had just as many imperfections, with the hope of reprieve; from what - he wasn’t sure.
“It has been…I don’t even know how long it’s been. A few weeks? Yeah, probably a few weeks. Fuck it.” Reita breathed heavily. “It’s been an entire lifetime since I confessed. But I’m here to say it now. Hear me…please.” His voice shook again, but this time with force and demand laced under the panic and worry. There was silence, which seemed to Reita as both damning and an invitation to speak. It could have been seconds or minutes of empty air, his head didn’t register it in time--simply that it happened at all. He closed the hushed silence with his own voice.
“I buried a dead body.” He said firmly. “Dead, it was dead. Totally dead. Have you ever touched a dead body? Don’t answer that.” He closed his eyes and snapped the words out quickly. “Cold. It was cold and…” he swallowed hard, the saliva of his mouth stuck to the back of his throat and make his dry throat scratchier, “...limp.” He could still feel the flesh between his fingers and the weight of a lifeless person’s body in his hands. The way her eyes had puffed up out of their sockets and there was no color to her as her skin seemed to be growing translucent. She had been heavy if only because she wasn’t helping carry herself as she was moved.
The priest seemed to notice that Reita had trailed off, likely trapped in his own thoughts. “Did you kill this body?” He asked slowly and Reita felt bile crawl up his esophagus as the implication. It hadn’t occurred to him that he left out details in his attempt at simply getting to the part he needed someone to hear; someone who he expected to keep silent. That was why he’d arrived at the church at all - he expected that the person who was to hear what he had to say would never utter a word of his tale.
“No.” He said plainly. “I had nothing to do with it.” There was a hint of offense in his tone. He was offended by the mere suggestion; he was illogically annoyed by it, simply because the rational conclusion led backwards and landed the other man at the ‘why’ of it all. It was then that Reita knew it was coming and he gulped. His eyes fluttered shut, but he knew he couldn’t escape the words as the priest had already uttered them.
“Then how did you come by this body?”
That was his real crime…
________________
“Please…”
It was the only thing he had had to utter to get Reita to respond. Years had been leading to this and Reita had no intention of ignoring it. He loved Aoi. There was no question about it. His mind, heart and soul belonged to him; but Reita couldn’t deny the fact that his body desired Ruki. Aoi did all the things he needed and some of the things he wanted. However, there was lust for Ruki. Raw, carnal emotion that seeped into Reita's body and seemed to take him over completely. It had been there for longer than Reita knew.
He assumed that if he could just have Ruki, just once, he would be able to put it behind him and give himself entirely to Aoi without looking back. But no part of Reita was prepared to ask…to beg Ruki for the one chance he needed to consummate his existence with Aoi and Aoi alone.
Therefore when Ruki presented himself and the opportunity, Reita was quick to accept. There was guilt in the first kiss, their lips softly meeting in a curious and nervous way. Guilt he expected to wash away with each passing connection. But the next one brought no solace to his soul and only drove him deeper into regret morally, emotionally. On the other hand - he peaked; his body didn't care what his heart felt as blood pooled in his lower abdomen. Like spoiled teenagers they found reprieve in the back of Ruki’s car.
Their clothes were off and strewn about the car before either had a chance to fully register that they’d gone missing. Instead, they found excitement in the feel of each others bodies. Reita’s hands roamed Ruki’s chest, memorizing the dips and curves of his chest and arms while Ruki found intense interest in feeling Reita’s back. It was as if every touch sent a ripple of intense heat through them and Reita couldn't get enough of how that heat gathered in one place. Their mouths remained connected and their tongues wrestled frantically in the heat embrace that had already started to fog the windows.
Reita could feel Ruki’s arousal pushing against his stomach and in return his own tightened in the confines of his skin, aching for attention. Ruki was aware that Reita belonged to Aoi, even if the band ignored it, and still he opted to challenge their affection by luring Reita away. His emotion was not that of guilt, as Reita, instead Ruki was full of confidence and triumph for having stolen the bassist and he had every intention of enjoying him.
It would be their secret.
Ruki was pressed against the backseat, his shoulders digging hard into the fabric of it as Reita pushed him hard, dominating him in that short moment. Ruki cooed a soft noise of pleasure as Reita released one hand so he could use it to prepare and explore Ruki's body. With one finger first, he did and then with a second to fully ready him for what was to come. It was then that Ruki opened his mouth and asked again, with a ragged and longing breath, ‘please’.
Reita didn’t falter nor did he hesitate before burying himself into Ruki, his body trembling against Ruki's in the excitement that ran through him. The guilt he expected to evaporate only skyrocketed in his very heart, however he knew it to be the case as the sheer amount of pleasure, stimulation and final desire was met and achieved by another.There was excitement and heightened pleasure in the act. He both craved it still, he craved the feeling of Ruki around him, and yet he despised how it made his heart ache with discomfort.
Certainly with each thrust, each moan that accompanied it and each following kiss, Reita grew closer to his end. Ruki’s body was warm wrapped around him and Reita felt himself twitch inside of Ruki as they rocked in harmony. His panting and deep moans of ecstasy in the movements Reita made as he invaded his body longingly only added to the tension in Reita's hips as his body desperately held a moment longer on the sensation.
Reita could feel the blood forced to his arousal, matched by Ruki’s as his own hand had found its way around the stiff shaft. He worked it simultaneously to their actions, Ruki's pants more ragged as his body fit snugly with Reita's. They were rapidly reaching their climaxes and Reita thrust harder and faster as the sensation began to fully fill his body. However, before they reached that point, a bang echoed out around them, loud enough to rattle the windows and make both of them stop moving in an insant.
Reita didn’t remember dressing himself, but panic had filled him and Ruki’s terrified expression told him that his lover was just as frightened as he was. Surely their already frantically beating hearts had stopped in their scare. They scrambled out of the car, each stumbling to catch their footing against the dirt packed ground. The only thing beyond the safety of their cocoon was a woman’s body, lying in a crumpled heap a little ways away from them.
Blood ran freely from a gun shot wound to her head and they stared dumbly at her. Reita’s former heated blood chilled to the point of arctic and Ruki turned away, the sound of him emptying his stomach resonated in the back of Reita’s ears. He couldn’t find it in himself to move and he wondered briefly, selfishly and greedily, if this was his payment for his immoral actions, actions that hadn’t even come to full fruition.
His eyes narrowed before they closed. They stood in silence, Ruki leaned over the edge of his car, holding his stomach and Reita unable to peel his eyes away from the body, for many minutes. Reita considered calling the police and Ruki voiced the same thing. However, the moment that happened, their secret wouldn’t be a secret anymore nor would it be exclusive to them. There would be questions about their reason for being there and at such an hour; it would be obvious to those who knew them and it was a fate neither was prepared for.
______________
Reita swallowed hard. “It was just there.” He said, sweat breaking out across his forehead as he felt his last meal churn in his stomach. He had touched the body, dug a hole for it, and watched it vanish under layers of dirt - one shovel full offered by him and then a second by Ruki. Yet the thought of his body inside anyone but Aoi, as committed as he was to him, disgusted him more - no matter how much he enjoyed it, no matter how much Ruki aroused him - than the memory of a lifeless carcass of which he was the last to see.
He was aware of how horrible his treatment of the dead was, he knew that there were moral obligations to be had and that his deception in the last of two to see her should be eating at his soul. Yet he had decided, long before this moment, that Aoi meant more to him than the spiritless chassis which once housed a person. That the betrayal marking that particular night was more heart breaking than aiding in a crime.
Had Reita belief in the institution of what the very establishment he knelt in meant, he might have uttered what had happened. Had he the fortitude to trust in the practice, he might have muttered a few more words. However, Reita didn’t. As he blinked away tears in his eyes, he momentarily wondered why he’d come to this particular place at all. He found no solace in his genuflection, clinging to the very last bits of his dignity that were transparent even to him.
“It was just there and I happened to be there too.”
“Why didn’t you call the authorities?”
Probed. Reita felt as if the other man could see right into his soul and he wondered if he could even lie. His eyes fluttered down to his clasped hands, observing their shakiness. Clutching tighter to his own knuckles, he willed them to settled down. If they could be still, so could his head and fast beating heart. Reita took in a few short breaths and let the final one out a little more coolly. “I don’t know.” He uttered the fabrication, seamlessly committing once more to the secrecy that he and Ruki had already promised to. If they already had one secret, they could keep another and for it he would damn his soul should it mean keeping Aoi’s emotional being safe.
He slipped back away from the grate and sat in his customary position, lacking in the reverence he’d expressed moments before. “What is my penance, father?”
A/N: Thanks very much for reading!! I appreciate it a lot. Hopefully it wasn't too horrible. Spare me if it was. ^_^