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Blahhhh I'm sick. I was really sick friday morning, but i had two tests so of course i had to go to class. Friday night i went to Cloud 9 at lambda chi, it was ok, i was still sick so i didnt drink anything, and there were as many people as you'd expect there. Mary and I pretty much just danced together the whole night. One time a guy came up and asked me to dance, and Mary told him no. It was hilarious. I like dancing with Mary anyhow, I know she's my best friend so i dont have to worry about some sketchy guy groping me and i can have a good time. I go to dance and have a good time, not to look for guys. Looking for a relationship can only lead to bad things, and its not like my last relationship was exactly a great one. Apparently I have like "if youre a jerk, talk to me" tattooed on my forehead or something. If I meet a guy, I meet a guy, if not, I'm fine by myself for a while. I'm the type of girl that likes to have a boyfriend, and its not always my best idea, but its me, so what am i gonna do. Maybe I can just date for a while, assuming anyone here would ever date me. Besides a wedge rat. I gotta start checkin guys out more before i start my next bound to fail relationship. I also need to stand up for myself more, and start doing what I want.And i need to work on self esteem a bit, cuz there's no way i'd put up with the shit i do if i had more confidence in myself and wasnt so damned afraid of really being alone. I learned a lot from Ryan, and I'm not going to regret I dated him, cuz we did have our good times. I cared so much and I still care about him as person, but it just doesnt benefit me to love him anymore. So my defense is to pretend like I hate him. I dont. But Im also not sitting here hoping we'll get back together. i have my times where im lonely and i miss him, and i need to write it here to get it out.But unless our personalities do total 180's, Ryan and I were never meant to work out. I know he cant give me what I wanted, and he wasnt really capable of having a girlfriend. We're in two different places.We went thru a lot, and it was hard, and I got hurt, but I'm ok. Im not totally over everything, but I'm in a good spot with myself and I think Im ready to trust guys again, but like i said, no rush. I mean I met Ryan very soon after we got here, and we spent pretty much every day and night together til we broke up. My first college heartbreak, huh? All I can say is that I hope I had some effect on him too. I hope he wasnt lying when he said he cared, and I hope eventually we really will be ready to be friends, not the awkward type we are now. There I'm done venting.OHHHHH and me mary chrissy laura and patty are all living in Fuller apartments next year. 5 person nice apartment, with a balcony and all, right across from campus. sweet. Last night I stayed in, i didnt really feel like going out after Ben, Hans, and Tom decided it'd be a great idea to hurl massive ice balls at me in the shower. Both my feet are cut and bleeding in 4 places and bruised. great prank guys. I was beyond pissed. They'll get theirs, tho. leave me some ideas if you have any.