Down
As of the 29th of this month, I will have been back to work for a year and now more than ever, I've been getting really down about not being at home. Long post under the cut.
I grew up with a parent at home and while I didn't realize it at the time, it was nice to come home from school and have my mother (and later, both parents) be there, waiting for me, having a home-cooked supper ready at an early hour so we could have family time, not rushing to get homework done, etc. etc.
I know that's not possible for some, I don't judge in that way.
What I'm sad about is not being able to do it. I want to make healthy suppers, I want to relax afterwards with my kids and do homework in a relatively leisurely manner and not worry about the stack of dishes. I want to do this as a family, not one parent cleaning and the other getting their time with the kids.
I hate rushing them to get to bed in the evening and then having to wake them in the morning if they had a hard time falling to sleep.
Maria has never gotten over the fact that Mummy isn't at home. I hate that I had to change caregivers and that with this arrangement she can't go to pre-school three mornings a week, because she was ready at two, she's more than ready at three. Not that I think it will change her academic career, it's not about that, but I think she's bright and enjoys the pre-school atmosphere.
Therapy is also an issue with Jackson. We're cutting back because he doesn't need as much but we've also had trouble scheduling now that he's at school and we're not home until after five.
However, once again, C.'s job is in flux. The company who gave the consultants a raise a couple of years ago, clawed some of it back last year and now are going to force them to become employees or else. C. has never wanted to be an employee, particularly not for this company. He will take it for the time being but it will probably mean another pay cut.
We have talked about it, and C. is okay with me taking another year leave of absence (we found out I could have been off an extra year once I had returned). I just haven't really enjoyed being back at work (thus posting this from the office) and have felt more productive at home. I just don't know if I'd ever want to come back.
My office is nice, btw -- not very stressful and I have a wonderful manager. It's an ideal setting for me other than the commute which I'm starting to hate now that it's fall and the traffic is getting busier.
On top of all of this, I'm getting growing pains and want a bigger home. That, of course, is not that important but it's a niggling thing in the back of my mind.
I thought it would pass but it seems it's continuing -- it's just highlighted every time I have a slow commute, a hectic night or a little girl who misses her mummy too much after a long day.
It seems obvious I should leave, but I feel like I wouldn't be doing my equal share in supporting the family if I stayed home. That seems silly, but with Chris's job in flux, I don't want him to feel the pressure of being the sole provider. We know we could manage without my job for a few more years but there's part of me that doesn't feel right.
The final issue is that I got an "acting" position at my job. I was given an offer from another group and so my boss then offered me a higher level to stay. They are now running a competition for me (although there have been 50 other applicants) -- I have been in the job for a year (and also before going on maternity leave) so I'm the most qualified. We're in the middle of the process that they are doing on my behalf and it could take months. It's not an easy time to just say... hey, can I take a leave of absence? I guess I figure I'll wait it out, hopefully win my job competition and then ask to be part-time or take income averaging which are government options. It just seems a long time away and Maria and Jackson are only getting older. I want to be home when they are small. That's the point
I grew up with a parent at home and while I didn't realize it at the time, it was nice to come home from school and have my mother (and later, both parents) be there, waiting for me, having a home-cooked supper ready at an early hour so we could have family time, not rushing to get homework done, etc. etc.
I know that's not possible for some, I don't judge in that way.
What I'm sad about is not being able to do it. I want to make healthy suppers, I want to relax afterwards with my kids and do homework in a relatively leisurely manner and not worry about the stack of dishes. I want to do this as a family, not one parent cleaning and the other getting their time with the kids.
I hate rushing them to get to bed in the evening and then having to wake them in the morning if they had a hard time falling to sleep.
Maria has never gotten over the fact that Mummy isn't at home. I hate that I had to change caregivers and that with this arrangement she can't go to pre-school three mornings a week, because she was ready at two, she's more than ready at three. Not that I think it will change her academic career, it's not about that, but I think she's bright and enjoys the pre-school atmosphere.
Therapy is also an issue with Jackson. We're cutting back because he doesn't need as much but we've also had trouble scheduling now that he's at school and we're not home until after five.
However, once again, C.'s job is in flux. The company who gave the consultants a raise a couple of years ago, clawed some of it back last year and now are going to force them to become employees or else. C. has never wanted to be an employee, particularly not for this company. He will take it for the time being but it will probably mean another pay cut.
We have talked about it, and C. is okay with me taking another year leave of absence (we found out I could have been off an extra year once I had returned). I just haven't really enjoyed being back at work (thus posting this from the office) and have felt more productive at home. I just don't know if I'd ever want to come back.
My office is nice, btw -- not very stressful and I have a wonderful manager. It's an ideal setting for me other than the commute which I'm starting to hate now that it's fall and the traffic is getting busier.
On top of all of this, I'm getting growing pains and want a bigger home. That, of course, is not that important but it's a niggling thing in the back of my mind.
I thought it would pass but it seems it's continuing -- it's just highlighted every time I have a slow commute, a hectic night or a little girl who misses her mummy too much after a long day.
It seems obvious I should leave, but I feel like I wouldn't be doing my equal share in supporting the family if I stayed home. That seems silly, but with Chris's job in flux, I don't want him to feel the pressure of being the sole provider. We know we could manage without my job for a few more years but there's part of me that doesn't feel right.
The final issue is that I got an "acting" position at my job. I was given an offer from another group and so my boss then offered me a higher level to stay. They are now running a competition for me (although there have been 50 other applicants) -- I have been in the job for a year (and also before going on maternity leave) so I'm the most qualified. We're in the middle of the process that they are doing on my behalf and it could take months. It's not an easy time to just say... hey, can I take a leave of absence? I guess I figure I'll wait it out, hopefully win my job competition and then ask to be part-time or take income averaging which are government options. It just seems a long time away and Maria and Jackson are only getting older. I want to be home when they are small. That's the point