i am folded and unfolded and unfolding

[stockholmmilk]

every so often, i get in these moods where i feel like all i really want is to go about my everyday life completely unnoticed, without any sort of acknowledgment from anyone- i just don’t want to feel like others are aware that i am around, alive, exist, etc, and as a result from this, i instantly make myself as busy as possible. i think i do this as a way to distract myself from thinking about it also, i think i do this because i  don’t even think i want to feel aware of myself. i always catch myself right before i get into these moods. i slowly begin to withdraw myself from everyone, my anxiety gets really bad, i rarely speak, and than it all hits me. from then on any sort of greet, question or notice from anyone makes me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. i get so upset  that it only makes me want to be even more withdrawn. maybe this is just me being overly sensitive but it’s something i feel like i can’t control. i try my best to deal with it as it comes, at times it is a lot more tolerable than others but most of the time everyone else seems to be put off my it, which is completely understandable, no one likes dealing with fickle people, myself included. everyone just assumes that i want some space, but at some point they take it as i don’t want them around and that’s never the case. i wish they could understand its not them but me. i've never been one to have a heaps of friends, or constantly be out about being as social as others. i spend most of my time myself, and even though it gets lonely, i prefer it that way, it feels safe. anxiety makes it far too difficult to constantly be around others. an extrovert with social anxiety, terrible.



these last couple of days have been somewhat better. i spent new years by myself, mainly because i got i've been very ill so didn't quite feel like celebrating much. i've also, been taking advantage of the days i get off from work to catch up on sleep. today i slept in, and as soon as i got out of bed i had a cup of mint tea and took a long drive and stopped by santana row and bought myself a little box peppermint cupcakes. i just didn’t feel like being inside the house when everyone else was home. i stopped at the book store for a bit aswell. im currently reading "the perks of being a wall flower" which i love but im already more then half way done with it, so i've been on the look out for something new. some time next week i am planning to go to stockton to visit nicholas, and although i dont particularly feel like being around others at the moment, i've been promising him for months that i would take the time see him. i've planned this previously, multiple times but something always came up last minute where i wasn't able to make it. i don't want to disappoint him anymore, so this time around i want to make it very special.




peppermint cupcakes.
i love anything peppermint.

happy new year, i know its definitely late but i mean it whole heartedly. this year i’d like learn to be more self assertive.