RP: So What Are We Now?

[shh_rodolphus]

Date: June 14th, 2005
Characters: Ginny Weasley and Rodolphus Lestrange
Location: The River
Status: Private
Summary: Rodolphus hopes he was right about Ginny's vague reference to Thursday.
Complete: Complete

Comments

[shh_rodolphus]

Rodolphus was vaguely started when her hand touched his, but he did his best to hide it.

"And because you were trying to protect me, you reject all possibility that it is a warning? Perhaps you are not the one being warned."

He watched her stand and begin walking along the edge of the river. Rodolphus listened to her in silence, leaving his pencil abandoned.

"Them? Your nightmares?" He asked quietly. "I do not know what you have done, Ginny. I would not make you tell me, either. It is a very good thing that you are not directly plagued with nightmares, but I'm not sure how protecting me, with my brother alongside you, prevents them from assaulting you."

He raised an eyebrow.

"You spoke of me paying for all the sorrows I have caused. What about the ones your comrades in arms, your friends, perhaps even you, have killed? Simply because we did terrible things does not mean that we are immune to sorrow or love. Some lost family, friends that have been beside them since near birth. Are the sorrows of the light more significant than those of the dark?"

[shh_ginny]

"No, I reject the possibility that it's anything more than my subconscious mind telling me I've gone quite mental, thank you."

Her hand went to her head and Ginny drew a deep breath. "It doesn't. All right? Is that what you wanted to hear? It doesn't. It... it overtakes us. He and I. He because he won't run. I because I cannot let him stand alone. I can't. But not you. Not the cat. I push him away..." She turned her back to the wizard, trying to steady her heartrate and when she continued, it was in a more subdued, emotionless tone. "I wake up then."

She walked back to him, standing before him at the bench, looking down. Ginny reached out as if to touch him but drew her hand back. "I was quoting Homer. 'Looking darkly upon Hector, swift footed Achilles answered, 'I cannot forgive you. As there are no trustworthy oaths between men and lions, there can be no love between you and me. Before then to glut with his blood, Ares, the god who fights under the shield's guard. Now the time comes for you to be a spearman and a bold warrior. You will pay in a lump for all the sorrows of my companions you have killed in your spear's fury.'"

"I don't know if they are or not but we didn't start the war." Ginny's jaw tightened, her voice shaking. "I killed them. That's what I did, Rodolphus. They gave me only one choice and I took it and I don't care if they deserve sorrow. I don't care."

[shh_rodolphus]

"I sincerely doubt you've gone mental."

Rodolphus rubbed his temples, trying to ignore his migraine. This conversation certainly was not helping in the least, but that would not keep him silent.

"He meaning Rabastan?" Rodolphus said, eyes lowered. "I am glad he's found a friend in you, or at least some form of mentor-student relationship. You two likely work well together, even though I'm sure you do rub each other the wrong way on occasion. You're both too stubborn not to."

At her emotionless words, Rodolphus bit his lip.

"There is nothing more to the dream?"

His fingertips traced the line of the wolf's back.

"I know what you were quoting, Ginny. Just because I am pure of blood doesn't mean I avoid literature that is both classic and of good merit, no matter the author."

Rodolphus let out a deep breath.

"I am quite aware that you didn't start the war. My point was that both men and lions suffer from many of the same flaws, the same emotions, even if they cannot trust each other."

He let his eyes close, and it was a mistake. The faces of so many he knew instantly assaulted him and he shuddered, forcing them open.

"I'm not asking you to care."

Rodolphus smiled, but it was empty.

"William Blake once said that it was easier to forgive an enemy than a friend. I think it's true because it is easier to forgive people I never knew for killing those I cared for, those I shared my life with, than it is to forgive the woman standing in front of me for doing the same. You may not care about them, but remember that someone did."

[shh_ginny]

Everything Bill railed at her came rushing back and Ginny stubbornly set her jaw. "He's my friend and he earned that."

She didn't respond any further about the dream, just giving her head a curt shake.

Her eyes narrowed and Ginny took a very deliberate step back, the thin layer of remembered trust in the man before her sheering away at his words and it took everything she had not to reach for her wand. Angry now, she hissed. "You are the last person I'd want forgiveness from. Your friends... the people you think you cared about so bloody much... they were trying to kill me and my patients and I hope they rot in the afterlife. I hope they spend eternity in torment a thousand times worse than what I live with."

[shh_rodolphus]

"I'm sure he has."

He saw rage flash through her eyes at his words, and wasn't surprised.

"I do not think that I cared about them, Ginny. I did. Whether or not it was returned in kind does not matter to me."

Rodolphus looked up at her, his gaze level.

"Perhaps you do not want my forgiveness, but there is likely someone or something you want forgiveness from. People are rarely haunted by entirely justified things. Be angry at me, be angry at everyone who's ever wronged you, but then look me in the face and tell me that that eases your guilt. Hate me, if you will, but at least be honest with me."

[shh_ginny]

A chill raced along her skin. "Maybe people like you believe that but those of us on the other side, we didn't enjoy what we had to do to save ourselves from people like you."

"Be honest with you? That's laughable, really. You don't care about my honesty. You never cared about me. You'd rather I had died if it meant your friends lived, so yeah, you're bloody right I'll be angry." Ginny said sharply. "The only thing I need forgiveness from is believing you... Sod it, it doesn't matter."

[shh_rodolphus]

"You think I enjoyed killing?" Rodolphus said, and looked away.

That wounded him more than he would ever admit, and he bit his lip so hard he tasted blood.

"I don't care about your honesty? Really? Isn't an issue of honesty what made us angry at each other in the first place?"

He stood up and looked at her, teeth clenched.

"If you don't think I care about you, then you need someone to have your head examined."

Rodolphus wiped the blood from his lip, anger glowing in his eyes as he stared at her.

[shh_ginny]

"What made me angry in the first place was finding out that someone I cared deeply for was really Rodolphus Lestrange." Ginny hissed unmercifully, letting the untruth filter in to hide the fact that she'd allowed herself to care for the man in front of her at all.

She steeled herself not to step back when he stood, unwilling to appear afraid or intimidated even as he looked down at her.

Lifting her chin defiantly, Ginny said angrily. "If you do, you have a bloody fine way of showing it!"

[shh_rodolphus]

"What made me angry was the fact that our friendship, all the moments by the river, in Scotland, you helping with my headaches, suddenly turned to ash. I am not saying in any way that they balance out what I've done, but that doesn't mean they mean nothing!"

He half-shouted the last words and his hands clenched into fists.

"How am I supposed to show you I care?" Rodolphus said, forcing his tone to lower. "If I agree and tell you that, yes, everyone I knew as comrades were worth nothing as people, that I'm glad my wife is dead, would that make things better? I cannot change the past, and neither can you. All we can shape is the future. What in Merlin's bloody name do you want from me?"

[shh_ginny]

"Of course they bloody meant something you sodding..." She'd cringed the smallest bit when he raised his voice but the motion of his hands caught her attention and Ginny reached out, curling one hand around his wrist. "Stop that. Please. Rod."

"Well, bloody shouting at me certainly isn't the way." Ginny blinked, unnerved by how quickly she'd gotten angry. She tried to continue on a softer tone. "I don't want you to agree. I won't lie and say I'm sorry Bellatrix is dead though I'd be lying if I said I'd rather you were glad of it."

She didn't let go of her hold but she loosened it, hesitating. "I don't know. I just don't bloody know, all right?"

[shh_rodolphus]

Rodolphus looked down at the hand encompassing his wrist and stared at it for a moment. Letting out a deep breath, his hands slowly unclenched. His short nails had left faint half-moon marks in his palms.

"I'm sorry." He said softly. "I shouldn't have yelled. This is all just...frustrating."

He managed an extremely weak chuckle.

"And I am aware of the severe understatement of my words."

Rodolphus watched her grip slowly relax.

"I don't know either. But I'm quite sure raging at each other is likely not the way to go."

[shh_ginny]

"You know, before... I'd have given anything to see you feel so much but now... Merlin, you have no idea how..." Ginny sighed, knowing she should let go of his wrist but unable to make her hand open. In all the time she'd spent with the wizard in the past, they very rarely touched and it'd only been the warmth of his skin under her hand that had brought her out from behind the wall of blind anger that had engulfed her.

Her thumb brushed across his skin. "No matter what else happens, Rodolphus, you have to let go of her. You have to. She's gone and you... love isn't a one-off. I learned that, too. I lost... it doesn't matter now. What matters is that you understand that you can't hold yourself away from your feelings anymore."

A soft beep drew her attention and Ginny sighed again, ignoring the reminder charm for another moment. "I'm sorry for what I said. I was angry and I just... this is very hard for me, you must know that. I have to go but... I know you want things to be as they were and they can't. They just can't but you are right, it's about the future now, not the past and I need to think." Looking up at him, she watched his expression for a moment before she moved, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around him quickly, giving him a tight hug and disapparating.

[shh_rodolphus]

Rodolphus listened to her in silence, his eyes looking down at the hand grasping his wrist.

"I do suppose that is true." He said quietly, teeth worrying at his lip. "I wish it was as simple as just closing a door or locking a chest. Something that could be done and easily walked away from."

His gaze moved from her hand to her face.

"I know it's hard. It would be unfair to assume that everything could be suddenly alright."

He nodded faintly when she said she needed to think, but was fairly startled when she tightly hugged him before apparating away.

Rodolphus stared at the blank space in front of him for a moment before collapsing down on the bench and for the first time in a very long while, fighting back what he believed could be tears.